Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

Day 1 #100happydays

Day 1 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and continue to heal from the amount of drinking I did this weekend.

Now that I've addressed that let's start with what made me happy today. Hank! Every time I look down at his adorable little face, messy hair and crooked arms.. I can't help but smile. I've made him cowboy hats, referee jerseys, and I've even given him a mustache or two. I found his best friend Eric while downtown on Christmas Eve a few years ago. They have been inseparable ever since. I brought him a sea shell last year from NC that he adores and he loves bananas, ChapStick, and making new friends.

He is really one of a kind. Well sort of, I did have to buy a whole box of him because he's fragile and his little face falls off after a while. He likes to take selfies or pose with friends. He's versatile like that. 

So he was my #Day1 because he's so simple and adorable. Just like life :)

My #100HappyDays

I wrote a whole post earlier that basically resulted in me feeling worse than I would have had I just let the negativity go. 

So, I'm starting over with this. 

Today is a perfect day! I am still alive.

Shouldn't that be enough? I take so many days for granted by calling them bad days or letting myself be a grump ass all day. Or by letting other people determine how my day is going to go. Shitty drivers, past friends, asshole clerks, loud kids...

Today all I can do is my best and forget about the past. Even yesterday which isn't hard because I drank entirely too much last night anyway. Oh and my brilliant drunk ass sent some texts. Which isn't unheard of for me. But one particular text was really angry and full of really bad grammar. I'm mostly sorry for the grammar. 

Back to the point of this post: tomorrow I am starting #100HappyDays. Inspired by a friend on Instagram. She's a very kind person and her happy posts even make me smile so my happy posts are bound to change my life... Right? 

My number one all time favorite movie in the entire world (Poolhall Junkies) has a quote that I really need to pay more attention to. 

"Every day is a good day, kid..just try missing one once!" Duh

High Five Your Intuition

Women want a gentleman. Right? I mean for the most part we want someone who falls under this definition:

gent·le·manˈjentlmən/

noun

1.a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.

Let's break that down: 

Chivalrous: behaving in an honorable or polite way especially toward women

Courteous: very polite in a way that shows respect

Honorable: having or showing honesty and good moral character

So basically a gentleman, in today's world, would honor the relationship (no matter how small) he has with a woman. He would respect her enough to get to the bottom of things and not just bail on the relationship (again no matter how small).  There would be a conversation. There would be balls involved. Big ones. Unless of course said gentleman is ball-less. Which, in most of my most recent cases.. this happened to be true. I'm sure of it.

So, what is a 'good moral character'? Is that carrying on multiple relationships with many women at once? Is that trying to figure out which woman he is carrying on with is going to benefit him the most and thus dropping the others like a bad habit when another is more convenient? I don't know about you, but that direction isn't on my own personal moral compass and I'd be hard pressed to find a respectable moral person to actually have that on theirs. 

I guess what I'm getting at here is that... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not you .. it actually is quite literally him. But maybe it's a little bit you and me because aren't we allowing this sort of behavior... right? In a sense? There is smart and then there is intuition. And then there is a smart intuition. 

I would say my intuition needs to be trusted a bit more and I need to give it more credit. 

More high fives and coffee breaks. Definitely. 

The Male Selfie

Here's something I've put a lot of thought into. 

Guys taking selfies

Now, girls, we do this a lot. All of us at all ages. Some don't. I shouldn't generalize. But it's rare when you see a guy take a selfie. Guys that take multiple selfies? Even more rare and usually they're flexing a bicep or showing off their ab work. Fine. Guys that take selfies for the sake of taking selfies? Weird. To me it's weird. (I'm talking strictly straight guys) 

I'm in this habit of comparing everyone I meet to my middle brother. He would literally never and has literally never taken a selfie. He also would never be caught dead listening to top 40 hits. He's a guys guy. He doesn't need a beard or even a 5 o'clock shadow to prove that. My oldest brother is the same way. They are actual men. Selfie-less men. (Except for one time my oldest brother took a hilariously bad mustache selfie..but he was overseas and when you fight for our country you are free to do whatever you want). But these two males in my life would never just take a selfie, slap 18 filters on it and post for likes. If they did I would probably make fun of them. Like a lot. All the time. 

Now, not all guys that take selfies are doing it for the sake of the selfie. Some are just way into themselves and their looks and that's fine. You're cute..we get it. Or sometimes they are on a cool vacation with an awesome view in the background! Great! Your nephew is in the picture too! Or your son! Adorable! But some male selfies (melfies?) are annoying to me. Especially when I, a professional selfie taking female, don't even post that many attention seeking selfies. 

Oh you're wearing a different hat! No hat! New sunglasses! New shirt? I don't care. 

Just stop. Or at least slow down. Or stop. Something. 

So that's my stance on the melfie. 

Declaring Clarity

Sometimes when we find new information about situations we react. Well we actually always react. But I've learned that one can react in different ways. You can either react by ugly crying into your pillow, or you can react by laughing. You can react by getting irrationally angry, or you can react by going completely insane. Or you can have a neutral response to the information that leaves you feeling strangely calm. It's one of the feelings where you're not sure if you're going to actually eventually explode OR if you're going to just remain calm. 

Something new I found out last night left me laughing. It was another moment of clarity for me. And these moments have been happening -- a lot. Clarity is so beautiful. It's a lot like those moments you're driving through a nasty blizzard and you can't see the road. You slow way down and move over so you don't get run down by a semi. And as you're white knuckling the steering wheel and seriously thinking to yourself that you should turn back and go another day... the wind dies down, the snow slows to a mild flurry and you can finally see the road again. You laugh at yourself for wanting to give up through that mess but you're also extremely relieved to know that you lived through it. The conditions slowed you down, but you didn't give up. Happy tears, crazy laughter and some proverbial pats on the back (because you still don't want to let go of that steering wheel). But at least you can see and at least you feel like you have a little bit of that control back. 

I'm not going to go into the details of what I found out last night because really they're irrelevant. It's just another one of those situations where you want to give your intuition a high five for not actually just being crazy irrational girl thoughts. My heart, head and gut were all working together on this one and for that.. I thank them. 

I continue to be more excited about the future than I was the day before. The unknown is terrifying, unless you are actually creating your own unknown. 

My Little Cliche

Even after the worst storms.. the sun does come out.

This sounds so cliche but it also is SCREAMING at me. Thisismylife!!

I have had beyond anxiety for the last 2 days. Just heart pounding, tired, anxious anxiety!

Today the rain stopped and the sun came out and it was at the moment I realized: this is life and it's mine.

I can literally map out my life to be any way that I want it to. I am moving to NC. So my dream of landing on the east coast is coming to fruition. I have a degree in public relations. So my dream of doing something I love is coming to fruition. So my other dreams? The ones I've thought recently to be completely unattainable? They must be right around the corner. It's these kind of moments in my life that remind me of who I am, why I'm here and what I'm capable of.

I have dreams of finding friends in NC. I have dreams of finding love. I have dreams of finding the perfect public relations job with that brilliant corner office and millions of windows. I have dreams of having a white picket fence around my beautiful little home where I live with my future husband and our golden retriever. Notice I didn't say kids, they still aren't part of the dream. (Sorry mom).

My first step will be to just get to NC and start living out there like I have been there my whole life. I'm going to frequent coffee shops and have 'my usual.' I'm going to sit at a bar by myself after work. you know the ones with people in suits and drinking martinis? Maybe I'll have to start drinking martinis. Does a shot of gin count? The grocery store clerks are going to come to love the witty banter I bring to their lines. I might make friends with a security guard in the museums I visit often. It's a city with things and people and places. All the nouns are there!

I'm capable of more than someone else's opinion of me. And all it took was a little storm for me to realize that.

Labor Day 2014

I cannot believe I had to book a flight home for Labor Day. It's basically the only holiday I will be able to come home for this year. Which is fine. I know Thanksgiving and Christmas are typically family holidays and they are good ones to gather with friends, however, I've never been into them. I've tried. I've tried to find the Christmas spirit but ever since one terribly lonely Christmas when I lived in Wyoming... the feeling just hasn't been there.

I was literally left by myself at my apartment because I wasn't technically invited to my ex's parent's house for Christmas. We were living together at the moment and even that didn't deem me worthy of an invite. Those people just flat didn't like me. I've never had someone's parents, regardless of religious background, just not like me. I'm a people person. Don't get that mistaken for a people pleaser -- I am anything but a people pleaser.

Ha. Another 'oh well' moment in my life!

Anyways, a lot of people are asking "Why Labor Day?" Well for a couple of reasons, really. It's my 10 year high school reunion, it's my favorite holiday, and it's a time when I know I can see all of my favorite people in one place for a weekend. It'll be a short lived weekend for me but I'm sure it'll be full of memories. It might be my last Dillon Labor Day so I fully plan on making the most of it. Which I usually do ...

Short and sweet.

The People I Know pt 2

So something else that has really made my time in Dillon completely worth it were the people I was fortunate enough to work with. I have worked in many places in my life and developed many friendships because of it. They're the kind of friends that even though we don't see each other daily anymore, we still catch up in our own ways. It typically involves only the occasional Facebook comment or post but still, we have kept in touch.

There are 5 girls in this office that have been there for me since the first time we met. They are all vastly different. They come from very different places in life and they have had very different struggles. However, they are all near and dear to me!

One of these ladies worked here previously and then came back right about the beginning of my second year here. We became friends almost immediately and have remained fairly close ever since. She is my voice of reason. She makes me think with a clear head, even though we both agree we're actually terrible at doing that. She has really helped me through a lot of my bullshit and for that I will always be grateful!

2 of the others I really got close with after our respective departments merged into one. They are seriously just lights in my life. Friendly and loving. They are the kind of girls that will drop their own stuff for you and just be there. I have shared a lot of laughs with these two and I'm sure more tears than any of us care to count.

The last 2.. they are in a league of their own. Both of them left me here. Jerks. I've forgiven them...kind of. I miss these two every single day. They were part of what I'll always refer to as the "A Team" here in the office. Brilliant, kind, funny and sweet. If you need to know anything at all about a process for basically any department here, not only could they explain it to you.. they would make sure you understood it. I remember during my breakup 6 years ago one of these ladies in particular overheard me listening to "I Will Survive". She basically just laughed at me. Which was good because even in that self-pity-wallowing moment I was able to realize just how ridiculous I was being. She was definitely a huge part in me getting over all that nonsense!

I haven't known these girls for long, however, they will always be 5 of the best co-workers and friends a girl could ask for. I'm thankful to have worked in this office for the last 6 years because it granted me such a huge extended family!

And I'm definitely the lucky one.

Photo Credit: Best Friends Picture

The People I Know pt 1

I'm gonna take a little time to write about some of these amazing people I've met in the last 6 years and the ones I've known for longer. These are the people that have really made a difference in my living back in my home town.

This is Part 1

Do you ever meet someone, fake roofie them and then build a lasting friendship with them? No? Well that's how I met one of my very best friends. She was working at a bar/restaurant we all frequented when I first moved back. She was friends with one of my best friends but she is a lot younger than us so I never knew her. She sat a drink on our table and asked us to watch it really quick. Upon her return I told her I had roofied it! Because roofies are funny. She just laughed and walked back to the kitchen. Later that evening we ran into her downtown. I told her I was impressed by her ability to stay awake this long. We basically became instant friends at that point and she means more to me each day I know her!Because roofies = love and friendship.

Through her I was able to meet a lot of other really awesome people. Two of these girls I have ran around with for the last few years and they really give me a run for my money when it comes to the downtown scene. It's pretty much a given that if we are all downtown together it's going to be a wreck but the memories, and selfies, will be perfect! They're the kind of girls that just do anything to make sure people are having a good time and they definitely love with their whole hearts. I've always been impressed with their capacity for love...and booze. 

So two girls I've known for ages also played a huge role in my "growing up" in the last 6 years. One I've known for 20+ years and the other around 15 or so. Regardless, they are literally always there for me and when we want to be selfish assholes and shut out the world, there aren't two better partners in crime. We've shared a lot of laughter and tears over the many years of our friendship and I know even with the impending distance, we'll still be able to remain thick as thieves. They mean a whole lot to me and I'm gonna miss their shoulders when I need a good ugly cry. 

More to come! This is only the beginning.. 

It's Time to Celebrate!

Going away party!

That's tonight. I'm not actually leaving for another 3 weeks but because of holidays and busy schedules, it was decided a long time ago to hold this little celebration tonight. I tried to throw this myself and got yelled at by one of my best friends. She thought it to be a little ridiculous that I was throwing my own going away party so she assumed the position. She's one of those people that I met in the last 6 years that has definitely become more of a sister than just a best friend. We're both really weird and when we get together it is always the same laughter.

Tonight is NOT the night to be sad though. Because I know this good bye isn't forever and it's more like 'see you guys later'... it's still going to be hard. I've been attached at the hip to these people for a long time and now my little security blankets aren't going to just be there to go to dinner or drink too many bottles of wine at the salon or let me ugly cry about stupid shit. (I am the Kim Kardashian of Montana when it comes to the ugly cry.) Thanks to modern technology, however, we can do all of these things with the touch of a button on our smart phones. Maybe we won't be in the same room but it will surely feel like it sometimes.

Tonight we're going to celebrate our time together and share memories, laughter and a lot of shots.

I mean, I will kind of have to mourn this past life I am living currently. If that makes any sense. Things will be different and I'm sure I will be different because of all of these changes. Not in a bad way though. Just less cautious and more curious. I think why I keep writing about this and why I have so many thoughts on this is because I have literally never done anything courageous in my life.

So many things in my life have left me emotionally drained. Deaths, breakups, loss of friendship, wrecking my car, saying good bye to siblings, friends moving away..

But this is the one time in my life I am making the decision to do something completely and totally on my own without anyone's help. This is what independence is made of--I think.

I feel like I'm the subject of a Beyonce song...

Always Forward.. Never Back

Have I ever mentioned to you, my 'readers', how excited I am to see what NC has in store for me? I am beyond excited.

Scared and nervous.. but excited!

The most recent bump in my road hasn't put a damper on my plans. I gave myself a 12 hour window to get over all of that and I have. Completely. In fact, it's only made the thrill of the change that much more. I get to go explore a whole new city. I get to explore all new people. I get to explore all new opportunities.

The fact that I had thought I had found something that could have resembled 'love' only to have it blow up in my face only makes me believe in the possibility more. I struck a nerve so hard that it actually caused someone to lash out at me. Which is kind of cool and puts a little spark in my step.

"I've got the powaaa.. it's gettin' it's gettin' it's gettin' kind hectic"...

So I said I was moving on... so let's do that. Onward and upward. Can you even imagine what someone like me could do in a city with 700,000+ people?

I recently read on article about how hard it is to meet genuine people in a new city. That may be true, however, I am a genuine person so I shouldn't have a hard time weeding through the bad ones. I may make a few mistakes where it comes to friendships at first, but I am confident I will end up in a group of people I can call my own. Now, don't get me wrong. A lot of this is still terrifying because I am actually leaving the best group of people behind. Some I've known for 20+ years and some I've only just met in the last 6. I'm not an old dog yet and I still can be taught new tricks. I'm ready to take the city by storm.

If only it were July 11th so I could get this thing going!

Ha!

So this is interesting. I've been blocked on all things social media by someone I considered to be a very good friend. Blocked in life too, I assume.

It's times like these that make me realize that some people are just not meant to be in our lives. Is the question 'Can we talk' now considered "crazy girl" talk? Are girls not allowed to have feelings or emotions? Can we not express our slight insecurities without someone deeming us crazy and putting us in a corner?

This has nothing to do with the move. Not really anyways. It just more has to do with life and what it's like to be single in 2014. Or more or less.. what it's like to be a girl in 2014. A girl that has feelings.

This is going to make my transition to NC much easier, though. I'll have more freedom and more vacation days to burn in Pennsylvania or Orlando where some of my best friends live. Actual friends. People who wouldn't just block me like a child. I shouldn't be name calling - but it is what it is. All the questions as to why he was single have been answered.

Being the avid over thinker that I am, I have been looking back on the last week trying to figure out where everything went wrong. Did I say something or do something? Can I even be the one to blame here? He didn't even let me get TO the crazy girl point all of us females know we can get to before he basically pulled the 2014 edition of shunning. You want to see psycho? I'm sure I still have remnants of the psycho I used to be back in my early 20s festering somewhere inside of me.

Maybe blogging about it is the new crazy.

Then f*ck him. I'm crazy.

Plenty of Time

I have always been a cynic. Always. Well not always but mostly always. A third of my future endeavor and this blog are all about the possibility of finally finding someone to share life with. That fact might catch a lot of you off guard..

Mostly because I have always been so "Ew, yuck, gross" when it comes to anything resembling relationships or love or any of that mushy "bullshit." I'm super sick of divorce, but I will swear up and down daily that I'll have at least 3 ex-husbands. Maybe 4.. But in the last year or so that's become more of a joke whereas my actual way of thinking is slightly different.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work and looking at the piles of boxes I have ready to load into my car and checking my phone every so often for a Snapchat response or even a good morning text, I realized something. I am yet again in a situation where I am allowing someone else to determine my level of happiness. It's not their fault. It's my own fault. I look forward to these little things and the things that are said so much that I forgot that's not how life works. Life is busy and it's chaos a lot of the time. It's not sitting around and checking our phones for reassurance. It's happening all the time and it's not slowing down so I can get what I want or a pat on the back. It's all about timing. Something I've never been good at understanding. I’m always hoping though that whatever it is that I come across will be something worth waiting for. 

I can't know for sure that NC will house the love of my life. I can't know for sure that Montana doesn't already. I can't say in which state my "love" will come from. He could be from Delaware or even Florida. The last 6 years I've barked up many wrong trees. Mostly guys that are just really bad for me or really bad for themselves. I could go on and on about this but I'll just leave it at that.

I am fully prepared to catch a lot of shit for this post. Mostly from cynics just like me that probably have always thought I was more of a cold-heart rather than a softy.

Which, is still mostly true..

Hypothetical v Realistic

Hypothetical: I could live with my dad and brother, work in the bakery for minimum wage and get to see my family all the time. 

Realistic: That could never work because my brother and I would end up in prison for attempted murder of each other and my dad would be forced into early retirement due to stress related heart failure. 

Hypothetical: I could stay in Dillon, live at my mom's house and work at KCI forever. I could continue to party my ass off every weekend and remain single because hey, I have a cat! 

Realistic: I would end up married to another fellow bar fly after having settled and potentially end up with 5+ kids. My mom would be forced to disown me and I'm sure my cat would be soon to follow. 

Hypothetical: I could move to Butte, live with one of my best friends and find a job closely related to my degree. 

Realistic: My friend would eventually kick me out when she realized my minimum wage McDonald's job wasn't quite up to the "Bill paying" par and I'd end up living in a low income housing unit in uptown Butte. 

Hypothetical: I could move to Charlotte and be alone and miserable and cry all the time and then move home because my fondness for small town living and asshole cowboys has grown due to my absence. 

Realistic: I could move to Charlotte and be alone for a time and maybe a little miserable. Cry for a little bit but eventually put the bottle of wine down, head out into my new city and learn the backstreets to make my commute to work more bearable. I could find some guy and convince the poor bastard to love me and realize that love does exist! I could find a PR firm with an entry level position and work my ass off to make it up the ladder. I could take sushi rolling classes and meet tons of new people who have my same interests. 

I could or I couldn't. But realistically... I will. 

My story starts soon 

Eat, Prey, Love

Everyone has their own version of "Eat, Pray, Love"

Mine just happens to be "Eat, Prey, Love" and this was unintentionally intentional - I think.

So what does this mean to me?

Eat: I have lived in a town without a single sushi restaurant my entire life. Which up until last year wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't until some of my wonderful friends in Pennsylvania forced sushi down my throat (haha) back in Pittsburgh in 2013.. then my love affair for sushi started at full force. Moving to the east coast isn't just about sushi, though. It's more about what that represents. Living in a city with options. Options for more than just sushi restaurants. Just options in general. Also, it's the chance to see a new movie the day it comes out and not having to wait 2-3 weeks sometimes a month or more to see a "new release". Sushi represents something bigger. Something more raw..

Prey: As I mentioned before, this was unintentionally intentional. I didn't really realize I had even made the typo until I posted a link to my blog to share with friends. I am kind of a stickler for proper spelling and decent grammar so this was about to drive me crazy. However, a relative of mine pointed out that I should keep it that way and that it appears intentional. So unintentionally intentional it is. I do plan on preying a lot in NC. Preying on life. I want to make sure that every single minute counts. Not that I don't do this now, but counting minutes in Montana is slow and steady. I need something faster and more energetic.

Love: Let's just say I've kissed a lot of frogs and I mean that in the slimiest of ways. I have met and been around and dealt with and liked a lot of assholes in my 28 years of life. Most of them have appeared in the last 6 years. Besides being frogs they all have one thing in common: Me. So in order to find something different it's time to be a different person. Not different, better. Because a really good person, a better person.. wouldn't have allowed herself to involve herself in the lives of these types of guys. At all. So, I don't know what's out there in NC but I plan on finding someone not slimy.. obviously. Someone who is going to realize I am a good thing and I have a lot to offer. Also, someone who realizes I am human and treats me accordingly. First, I have to treat myself like a human. And that's been the plan all along.

So this is the tentative plan anyway. I'm no Julia Roberts but I would like to think I don't have to be her to find my own adventure and my own plan and my own path.

A change will do me good.

Home/House/Wine

I've never bought a bed before. Or a couch for that matter.

I'm not bringing a single piece of furniture to NC with me so I'll be seeking out both of these items immediately. These are things you cannot buy online. I keep looking for styles that I like but really... unless you sit on about 100 couches and lay on 100 beds.. you're not going to find the right things just by looking at them.

I keep remembering all the things that make a house into a home. Coffee tables, night stands, TV stands, dressers.. All of these things I won't have once I leave July 11th. So weird.

I'm sure there are other things required to turn a house into a home but I don't have any of those things either. Not yet anyways. Maybe one day. I recently started believing in all of that kind of stuff again in hopes of finding it. And I feel closer to finding it every single day.

First though.. I'm going to find my apartment in a city I've never been in. Then I'm going to find my bed and couch. Then a wine bottle opener...

Then I'll let the rest be details that hopefully fall in line as I go.

Come what may.

Is This Real Life?

This week my application to my apartment was accepted. My site-unseen apartment. One I've never been in. I don't know what condition it will be in. I don't know what it will smell like. Or feel like. I don't really know what 512 sq ft means or how big that is.

What I do know though is that the unknown is awesomely terrifying. I will be on the 3rd floor. I will have a balcony. I have a kitchen.. and a bathroom. These are the only things I know for sure.

I don't own a bed, a couch, tables.. Nothing. I own clothes, kitchen and bathroom stuff, and decorations. There are a couple of furniture stores in the area of my apartment. I am going to finance the shit out of a mattress and a couch. At least. Maybe some TV stands and a night stand. I am literally starting fresh and new and clean and...

What am I doing?

An adventure. That's what I'm doing. I'm doing adventure.

Before...

I'm moving. I've said this word a million times but never in this context.

"I want to move" "I'm moving after graduation" "I hope to move" "I wish to move"

But now.. it's just.. I'm moving.

 July 2014 I am heading off on my own adventure to plow my own path and forge my own channel. I am going to where I don't know a soul. My immediate family is 1000s of miles away. My closest friend is 7 hours away.

I am leaving my comfort zone, my security blanket, my familiarity... and i'm replacing it with the unknown. Sure, I can Google my destination all I want. I can flip through pictures of 100s of apartment complexes and I can Google map my way from there to the nearest Whole Foods. But I know what my town smells like, feels like, and sounds like. There are going to be all new smells, feels, and sounds.

I won't have anyone to hug. That's weird. I hug everyone. I hug my mom at least weekly if not daily sometimes. I hug my friends when I first see them and then even sometimes when I'm leaving to head home.

My closest comfort will be in phone calls, face time dates and text messages. Catching up with everyone on Facebook will be hard but necessary. Instagram will show me what they are seeing every day. Maybe I'll write more letters.

Wait a minute now. No one is holding me at gun point forcing me to drive 35 hours to a new home. This is my decision. I am going to meet 100s of new people. I am going to form new bonds with co-workers and meet random strangers in various social situations. I am going to live 100% completely and totally independent of anyone and I am going to create memories that will last. My friends and family will be checking up with MY Facebook and MY Instagram to see what adventures I've been on. Maybe the first 6 months will tear me up and I'll basically be ready to throw in the towel.. but after those 6? Then what? Everything. Life. Life will be happening and I'll be right in the middle of it. Embracing it.