Mindful Ignorance

I quit smoking.

It's been 12 days. That first week was pure hell. My head was in a vice grip and someone was definitely spraying fog directly into my face and my ears were full of cotton. My mouth tasted like I had sucked on pennies every morning when I woke up only to be made worse when I brushed my teeth. Gum did nothing and actually the taste ruined every piece of gum I would chew. Food tasted weird and I basically ate all the food so I can tell you first hand... it all tasted weird.

It was hard to sleep. I had to actually stay in bed in the mornings for fear that the morning habit of 6 cigarettes while playing Angry Birds or Toy Blast would rear it's ugly head and take over my life.

Oh but crying at your desk for 3 days and somehow hiding that from all of the people you work with and managing to get work done is actually quite the treat.

I tried the patch on day 1 but it burned and itched and I just couldn't even. Literally. Could. Not.

I drank so much water during the day that I was up 3 or 4 times a night peeing. Milk was actually the God send. It would get the taste to go away for a few minutes. But it would come back and then my mouth would feel gross from having drank milk. So I was still losing.

Day 6 the fog started clearing! The vice grip was loosening! My mouth still tasted like I stored spare change in it, but things were finally improving.

And then a few days later I tried to think about smoking. About the actual action of it. Nothing. I can't remember a thing. I can't remember holding a cigarette, lighting a cigarette, inhaling.... nothing. I remember nothing about being a smoker. And it is the most shocking and amazing feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.

And I can only assume, because I am well aware that not every person in my life actually believes in me or has my best interests at heart, that people will think I'll have a cigarette in my hand again and fail. Again. Because I've started and stopped a lot of things in my life.

I've started and stopped weight loss programs, guides, goals, destinations.

I've started and stopped television shows and paintings. Hell, I can't even listen to a full song on the damn radio because sometimes I change my mind. Okay, all the time I change my mind. There are a few magical songs in the universe that I will listen to all the way through. Mostly "Hello I love you" by The Doors and "Ashes" by Josh Martinez. To name a few. Oh and "Puppets" and "Trying to Find a Balance" by Atmosphere. Anyway......

I don't finish a whole lot that I start. I am aware of this. I abruptly stop friendships because sometimes it's easier to just walk away from people than it is to say "Hey, I think this friendship isn't working out for me." Because people always demand a reason. And I don't always have one.

I don't have a reason for why I start and stop anything. Sometimes I think I'll enjoy something, realize I don't.. and then I jet. I get uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. And I am pretty in tune with my feelings and emotions and if I'm not feeling something.... I bail.

And 12 days ago at 3:30pm on a Monday afternoon in my dad's temporary front yard.. I bailed on cigarettes. Before I walked outside to do the damn thing my Gma told me "You know Grandpa Dwight quit by saying "This was my last cigarette" at the end of the last cigarette he smoked. And it was. He just quit."

So that's what I did. I said goodbye to an addiction I had for a very long time. I sucked it down to the filter like I often did. But, you know what I noticed? Which was probably true with every other cigarette I smoked... I didn't even pay attention to the act of smoking it. I wasn't even mindfully aware that I was smoking. I was looking at my phone and just inhaling and exhaling. I found that odd. That after so many years of the same habit and the same motion I realized on my very last one that I didn't even pay attention to the damn thing. I loved something I didn't even pay attention to.

Could you imagine? Loving something so much and being so afraid to live without it yet... you never pay it any mind when it's in your hand? Going into your lungs? Making you cough and sound like you definitely have emphysema?

Yet after that moment I realized I do the very same thing with something that actually has treated me well for 31 years of my life. My very own body. I've treated this thing like absolute shit! And I literally could not live without it... and I do love what it has done for me. Yet I was still making so many choices that seriously affected the health of it. I mean, I didn't become overweight by feeding my body a healthy diet and giving it exercise on the regular.

Which brings me to another blog for some other time.

For now I just want to say this: You can doubt me all you want. You can believe that I won't stick to absolutely anything in my life because I never have. But, hear this.... I have never in my life felt more confident or sure of myself than the moment I realized that quitting smoking literally means I can do and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

I believe in myself and I'm not sure I've ever been able to say that and actually mean it.

Love..... friend or foe?

I really love love.

Watching my friends find these partners in life that they can share all their ups and down with. It is absolutely beautiful and amazing. This weekend I was in yet another wedding. (Always a bridesmaid...) and watching him watch her when she's doing absolutely anything and seeing his face glow.. that's the good stuff. There are so many wonderful men out there that are loving and kind. That are sweet and funny. That are not only good friends of mine but are taking care of the hearts of good women in my life!

But you know what? I am really okay being single. I'm not sought after. I don't have a ton of dudes breaking down my door or blowing up my phone. I get ghosted on a lot. Guys just stop talking to me out of the blue. And when I actually do get hit on ... well. It's not by anyone I would actually want to date. Drunk guys in a bar do not count.

For many years I didn't go much longer than a week without having to find someone to entertain me. Someone to text with, talk to, flirt with... I just needed it. So I always looked for it and pushed for it.I don't need it anymore. I don't want it. I have this massive wall up that keeps me from even looking at a guy like he could be something because honestly, I think most of you are a joke.

Talking to one of my best friends the other day about a new guy she's been seeing. She was GUSHING over this guy. Telling us how great he is. And we were FAWNING and GUSHING right back. You know why?

You won't ever believe this. It is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of a man doing.

He told his friends about her. Yup. That was the big moment we all fell in love with him. Because he put his friends on speaker phone while they were driving and the man said "Oh hey! I've heard a lot about you!" He called her by her nickname that we all adoringly call her and that was that. That was the big event that occurred in my friends life that made me go "Yassss girl he's a good guy!"

Seriously? This is what it's come down to? We've been treated so horribly in our dating lives that someone doing something like that for one of our friends was mind blowing. We expect so much less from all of you. Are you aware that this is how you are supposed to treat another human? You are supposed to make that person known. You aren't supposed to keep people a secret... yet it happens all the time. And we as women put up with it! We do.

"Oh but he's so sweet when it's just us!"

Why? Cause he told you that you looked pretty? Because he held your hand watching a movie? Because he complimented you on your cooking? We are settling for this bare minimum bullshit. I used to tell every single guy I was interested in (after they continuously didn't give me flowers for every single occasion) that i didn't even like flowers. After they refused to actually commit I would make sure they knew how chill I was by expressing how little I cared about commitment. I was just the fun girl looking for the fun fling and no strings. Because why would I want to tell you that actually I am worthy as a human to be dated, courted, taken out.. I love flowers on any given day. I want to get married. I want your friends to know I exist.

So many of us are letting these dudes get away with relationship murder. Well.. I can't even call it a relationship. Since really no one even knows what that means anymore. Everyone has these awkward in-betweens.
"Oh we're just talking"
"We just text a lot.. and have great conversation"
"He basically just comes over after the sun goes down, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like in the day light!"
"I've never met any of his friends. It's cool though, we're just hanging out. In doors. At my house. On Fridays. After 2am".
"He's just so busy.. and I don't even want a relationship"

PLEASE.

I do want a relationship. Some day. Right now? I'm still sick to death of men and their bullshit. I'm sure I have bullshit, too. In fact I know I do. I have a real bad habit of going to bed at 7pm because I get up at 4 so I can come to terms with the fact that I have to go be social with other humans and work for sometimes 11 hours. I would rather paint or sit on my couch than put effort into anything that's going to fall short of my newly found expectations. I don't want to ever be excited about a dude because HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME. That's dumb. You know why? Because that's common courtesy and human nature. And that is NOT something to be excited about.

You fellas have gotten away with a lot of shady behavior when it's come to being in my life and the life of other really remarkable women.

This is why we get life coaches and strategize for how to better ourselves. This is why we educate ourselves and surround ourselves with our hobbies and our friends. This is why so many of us are bitter and shut off and down right cold-hearted.

Because somehow, somewhere... chivalry died so hard that not even decency is a thing anymore


(Note: This can easily be reversed from a man's perspective to the shitty women he's witnessed in life. We're not angels. This is just my view on it.."