And now in true “I talk too much and overshare my life” fashion.. I’ll try to sum up the worst best year of my life.
2018... you brought me so much. New friends, clarity, happiness, sadness, anxiety, hypothyroidism, depression, hangovers, laughter, new music, new movies, new inside jokes, strengthened friendships, weakened friendships..
I’m ending this year with a combination of a full heart that’s heavy. I made poor choices and turned myself into a monster. My self esteem hit all time lows and brought about a lot of self evaluation and fears. I lost sleep because of anxiety attacks and I woke up plenty of mornings in sheer panic. My happiness relying on white claws and my Sunday hangover depression floating into Monday’s and Tuesday’s depression.
Today I made a choice. I cannot live in this fog anymore. I am far from the face of depression. It is downright shocking how many people have to find some extra help to make it through.
This post isn’t meant for you to shower me with “you’re so great.. we love you” kind of affections.
It’s more like Hey, friends... my life is a foggy mess and I want to throw out an I’m sorry and I love you to everyone...
But most importantly to myself!
New Year New Antidepressant. 💕
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Just Words
I used to think people who claimed depression or anxiety were just looking for some kind of attention.
Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".
Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.
Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.
Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.
I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.
"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"
"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"
"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"
"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"
Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.
Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!
Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".
Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.
Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.
Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.
I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.
"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"
"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"
"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"
"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"
Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.
Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!
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