A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.