Self Eval for 2018

And now in true “I talk too much and overshare my life” fashion.. I’ll try to sum up the worst best year of my life.

2018... you brought me so much. New friends, clarity, happiness, sadness, anxiety, hypothyroidism, depression, hangovers, laughter, new music, new movies, new inside jokes, strengthened friendships, weakened friendships..

I’m ending this year with a combination of a full heart that’s heavy. I made poor choices and turned myself into a monster. My self esteem hit all time lows and brought about a lot of self evaluation and fears. I lost sleep because of anxiety attacks and I woke up plenty of mornings in sheer panic. My happiness relying on white claws and my Sunday hangover depression floating into Monday’s and Tuesday’s depression.

Today I made a choice.  I cannot live in this fog anymore. I am far from the face of depression. It is downright shocking how many people have to find some extra help to make it through.

This post isn’t meant for you to shower me with “you’re so great.. we love you” kind of affections.

It’s more like Hey, friends... my life is a foggy mess and I want to throw out an I’m sorry and I love you to everyone...

But most importantly to myself!

New Year New Antidepressant. 💕

Just Words

I used to think people who claimed depression or anxiety were just looking for some kind of attention.

Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".

Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.

Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.

Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.

I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.

"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"

"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"

"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"

"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"

Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.

Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!

Ready Set... Nope

Listen, online dating sucks. I don’t care if you’ve been successful.. you know it sucks. It is 100%  the worst way to meet people.

First you have to meet their internet persona and figure out if you even like that part of them enough to like move onto the whole meeting in person thing. I haven’t made it to that part yet…

Well, I actually did briefly and then he essentially was completely full of shit and thank goodness because really hindsight.. I dodged a big giant hot mess of a bullet.

You see, I started out with stars and hearts in my eyes and full trust. I mean why wouldn’t the first guy I talked to on a dating site be like ‘The’ Guy. I am a pretty great person.. so why wouldn’t it be THAT easy for me? It wasn’t. It wasn’t that easy at all. And it’s continuing to not be the slightest bit easy. You really to have to weed through some weirdos, assholes, dummies, pretty boys, quiet guys, creeps, pick me guys, liars… so on. I even had someone ask me if I could get them weed. I can’t make this up.

Anyway.. It’s not often I come to the realization that I am essentially better than anyone. I mean I know I am. It’s human nature. We’re all actually better than someone. There really isn’t like one person who is actually just at the very bottom of people. Well, I mean there is.. but I don’t want to make this a political post so I’ll just move on. But a simple fact about me is that through all of my bullshit… I at the very least have my shit somewhat together. Sure I am certainly a jerk 45% of my life, I am picky and super bossy sometimes and I really don’t like people when I’m not in the mood for people. However, I have a solid job, I am pretty attractive, I am hilarious, I am one hell of a writer (Case in Point)… and you know how I know all of this with pure confidence? I surround myself by some of the best people. People that I know wouldn’t be around if I wasn’t as actually great as I am. Have you met my friends? They’re all insanely amazing.

So why am I even having to go online to date? Or to try and date.. or to find someone who would be suitable to date?

Because I live in a town of 5,000 people.. and I am pretty sure I’ve exhausted my efforts in my fair town. And I’m actually not really market ready if I’m being totally honest with myself. I really need to get into shape again, I should probably do my dishes more than once a week, I absolutely could stand to wash my car for the 3^rd time in the 10 years I’ve owned it, I maybe could not drink to the point of a blackout 3-4 times a month (which I know doesn’t sound terrible but I only drink on the weekends.. so), I should also maybe try a hobby that isn’t blacking out, binge watching Real Housewives of Everywhere, or seeing how quickly I can actually devour a bag of Smartfood popcorn…

I think online dating is actually only the worst when you’re not actually ready for what you’re about to encounter. I am getting so frustrated with the bullshit on there. But this little diary like realization post here just kind of opened my eyes to what the real issue is.

I am totally and completely and 100% not ready to even be considering dating. The first guy I attracted into my realm lied through his teeth probably 90% of the time we were talking, the next was a kid who I think wants to actually wear me as a skin suit, and lastly we have Mr Pick Me who has spent a majority of our conversations trying to prove to me that he’s great. I don’t need you to write out proof, bro.. I can usually tell within the first paragraph about your Roth IRAs that you’re probably not that great. 

OH and let’s not forget the guy who literally asked me for bud..  I quit.

Lessons in Expecting

I have been trying to read the Four Agreements for months. Occasionally things happen in my life that make me hyper aware that I need to make some very big changes in my life. 

No location or job change or anything like that. But with the way I process things and the way I handle disappointment and situations that are just in general less than ideal. 

Lately one of the “agreements” from the book that has been popping into my head is the one about not taking things personally. It’s kind of an “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. And quite honestly it has nothing to do with you! It really should be a reflection of that person. 

I expect a lot. I don’t mean I have high expectations. I just often expect things to go a certain way and when they don’t I definitely handle it poorly. I am never prepared for the let down because I honestly work myself into believing there won’t be one. Spoiler: there’s always a let down in expectation. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. Someone like myself who has had constant disappointments should really be used to this and know how to handle things better. I haven’t learned that yet. With each disappointment has come a sliver of a lesson though. Just a tiny sparkle of it. 

Now to circle back around to the beginning statements about not taking things personally. I take disappointment very personally. I take let downs right into my soul and I am constantly having to pick myself back up after it happens. I try not let it make me cold or hardened, but to be honest it’s gettin harder and harder. I’m a pretty negative optimist. Or maybe I’m a positive pessimist? I get my head in the clouds over certain situations and I forget to come back down to earth and check out the reality of it. 

I am going to spend the rest of 2018 learning. Learning how to re-wire my expectations and learn how to essentially expect disappointment. I will probably continue to hope for the best but unless something is in black and white and right in front of my face, I am not going to let it control any emotion or get me buzzed. 

I am going to learn how to not take things so personally. Good and bad. It’s been 7 months of “expectation/disappointment” cycles. Well, let’s be honest.. these cycles have spanned a good portion of my 32 years. 

I want off the merry-go-round. I’m starting to get dizzy. 

One of Those Open Letters

Dear Nice Guys, 

You always have so many opinions and ideas about the women, ahem, excuse me... the “girls” (as you call us) who just aren’t that into you. We're not refusing to give you a chance because you're a nice guy. If you really think that, then you're not really a nice guy.

You assume we prefer the jerks that ignore us. Or the assholes that cheat on us. Or the pricks that torture us with half truths and empty promises. 

You assume that we love being treated like garbage and we just don’t have the mental capacity to handle a nice guy. A guy with his life together and a guy with all the things we are just craving on a silver platter.

Come closer. I need you to really hear what I’m about to say...

What if.. we don’t have anything actually in common? What if we don’t actually enjoy your company? Your personality? Your doting on our whims? Maybe you have a horrible sense of humor and we just can’t get with it. Maybe.. just maybe we don’t find you attractive. 

Is there a such thing as Too Nice? You’re damn right there is. 

Too nice is terrifying. You want to know everything about us on the first date but we are still trying to figure out who the hell we are. You’re really into us and that’s awesome but for how long? Our insecurities are running wild and now all of a sudden this “white knight” wants to prove to us they’re nothing like the last guy.

Fun fact, nice guy! The last guy to turn our heads and hearts upside down was JUST AS NICE in the beginning. 

And he turned out to be anything but! He was sweet and attentive. And so much fun. He had the kind eyes and the kind demeanor and he was attractive and great. We had a blast together! And he.. turned out to be anything but a nice guy. He turned out to be cold and mean and a total disappointment. 

So please, tell me why I’m supposed to believe you when you tell me you’re nice and show all this interest in me. What’s different about you? And tell me why I’m supposed to just believe that you’re not like the rest when we just met? You all think that some nice words and showing a little bit of interest will just win you the heart of any female you lay your eyes on. It's not that easy. In 2018 the women of the world have gotten smarter. No, it's not a feminism thing. It's a sick of being toyed with thing. We NEED you less. You don't realize that. We don't NEED a knight in shining armor anymore. We don't need kind words and promises. We don't essentially NEED you at all anymore. 

We have a little more power now and we're a little less 1950's housewife. We actually choose the people in our lives. Not by a need... but by a want. We want you in our lives! If we want you as a friend and not as a significant other then let us have that. You don't get to make all the decisions anymore. We do have some say in who we end up with and most of us are completely content ending up alone because we know now that there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, alone for most of us doesn't mean actually alone.

The women of the world have loved and have tried to be loved! We are no longer looking for someone to fill a void or a gap or to take care of us. We have most of our shit together now and we have lots of love around us. Our friendships are stronger, our connections with our families more firm, and the love we have for ourselves knows no limits. 

We do not need a nice guy with a good job to take care of us. We want our partner in life to be a partner and not our keeper or our caretaker and on the flip we don't want to keep or take care of anyone else either. We want to laugh liberally, travel often, dance in parking lots, make our own money, share experiences and adventures with wonderful people, stay in when it's sunny, or go out into the rain. 

We want to have someone in our lives that can not complete us, but complement us. And we want to in return complement you.