Danny DeVito

I have decided to make a shift in my life lately and I can really feel it these last few days. I have been spending more time listening to my thoughts and less time reacting to them. This is something I’ve dove into over the last week or so called Observing the Ego. The ego is something we develop as children that speaks to us in our own voices yet the words aren’t really ours. They’re the words of our experiences. They’re the words from our parent’s actions. They are a collection of bullshit… mostly.

Most people have this voice… most people have an ego. Well really… every single one of us has this. It’s just the reaction to it that gives us all a different sort of take on life. My ego is a jerk. It’s constantly on me about several different things. One of the most prominent is whenever any kind of relationship is existing with the opposite sex. Recently though I’ve been really observing the things my ego has been telling me about a few of the other relationships I have in my life.

The scary part about the ego is it acts like it’s you. It sounds like you! It’s taking your past experiences and using them as evidence to support their claims and it’s convincing you of all of the things you fear the most. Abandonment, worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness… 

I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I’ve been in. Whether they cheated physically, emotionally, or just didn’t want to ‘commit’ to one person.. I was never the center of the relationship. Not that I have to be the center but I wasn’t even like.. adjusted slightly to the left. I was just kind of there to pass the time until someone better came along. Or so it felt. And that’s what my ego always tells me now. “There will be someone better than you coming along. Just wait. You’ll see the signs very clearly! It’s the same every single time. Just make sure you are stricken with as much anxiety as possible, become very needy and clingy, and drive the point home that you’re definitely not the right one for them early so you can just get over the hurt that is inevitable. You aren’t worth someone sticking around. Remember that time your dad moved? And don’t forget every guy that has ghosted you.. And always remember that the first guy you said ‘I love you’ to left you for another woman. All of these examples build up into the conclusion that You Are Not Good Enough. Take every action someone else makes as a personal attack because they would literally never do these same things to anyone else. Ever. It’s just you!”

I take a lot of things personally because my Ego tells me to. Those of you that are fortunate enough to not have a constant barrage of negativity coming your way are gifted with something called Confidence. Confidence is that totally attainable possibility that some are just magically born with. Some of you have been instilled with this mythical beast since you were babies. So this whole post probably makes zero sense to you. You have already learned to observe and not react to what your ego is telling you so the voice is probably so tiny and small you don’t even hear it anymore. 

I am actively working on observing mine currently. As I’m writing this it’s telling me “Don’t post that… someone will read this and surely think you’re crazy. Do you really think your view on this is at all accurate/informative? You have a lot of nerve thinking that you are at all an expert on something you just started looking into. If you keep sharing this much information about your inner thoughts people are definitely going to walk away from you. You are going to lose friends over this because they’re going to think you’re absolutely nuts! Good luck ever finding someone to love you… you are a f*cking loon!”

And much like how I view Danny DeVito.. I’m going to overlook the advice and post this shit anyway.

(Get it? Cause he’s short.. and I am not. It’s hilarious.)

Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.