An Apology of Sorts

To the right one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.

You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.

So I'm not sorry at all.

Score Yourself

My life coach (Lisa) posed a question to me a few weeks ago. She said to me "Katie.. what do you want in a man?"
My response? "Funny.. kind.. honest.. hard working.." She said okay pretty typical, vague, blah response. Lisa then asked me to DIG DEEP. She wanted specifics.

So I thought about it.. and I wrote my specifics. She then asked me to Score myself on these things.

Score myself? On things I want in a man? But ... this isn't about me.. this is about him. Which was clearly wrong. This is not about the hims in the world. It's about the ME. Just me. No one else.

Then she asked me to score myself 3 months ago. And to score the last few men I was in a relationship with. At this point my eyes became wide open to this process. Especially because my score 3 months ago is about 40 points less than it is now and I am not even going to talk about the scores my exes received. Amazing men and while they may have been aligned with Katie from 3 months or hell even 10 years ago... they are not aligned with present day Katie. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean they're bad guys or shitty boyfriends or assholes or anything like that. It simply means that anything more than a friendship just wouldn't be wise. For anyone. Especially me. Which is ultimately the person I have put at the top of my list. For once. Me.

I'm not going to get into details about scoring, my score (new or old), or their scores. (If you are interested I will be posting Lisa's website link and a link to check out her book below)  But what I will tell you is this... This shit is a science! For example, one of the qualities I want in a man is that I need them to enjoy giving and receiving. Love, time, gifts, support.. so on and so forth. When I went to score myself on this one she corrected me, took about 2 points off the score I would have given myself and said "You only scored this high because you are a giver. You give freely. You support, you love, you share your time... however, you are not at all a receiver. You have got to work on that." So that's phase 75 in all of this. Taking the tiny bits of what I want in a man, flipping them around on myself, and working on them. Bit by bit.

This week I am working on being better at receiving, being uncompromisingly and universally honest, and my positive sexual energy. Don't take that last one for what it sounds like. She simply wants me to ditch the hoodies and get into clothing that shows off who I am as a woman. Become a girl. It doesn't mean I have to dive head first into more floral patterns and any amount of skinny jeans. But I need to start celebrating what I've got.

I used to think the best thing about me is that I am staunchly independent. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me, buy me dinner, buy me flowers, take me to the movies, call me pretty, buy me birthday gifts. That's not independence... that's fear. If I say I don't want those things, and I continue to just pay for everything and never speak my mind on the subject then I won't seem needy and scare him away. Scare what way though? Someone I have no business being with?

The next man I date better buy me flowers and coffee, he better take me on dates, he better hold the door and tell me I'm gorgeous, he better spoil me and surprise me. I work hard. I pay my own bills.  And if it scares someone away to know that I want them to pay for dates then they can run far far away. I am a great girl looking for marriage. One day, not now!! I'm not ready for that yet. But one day I want to meet the man of my dreams at an alter in Vegas. Or by the river in Montana. Or on the beach in North Carolina. And if that is scary to the next man I meet then he can move right along. It's scarier for me to keep secrets, hold it all in, hide who I am.. then it is to end up alone.

I deserve amazing things in this life and I'm making them happen. One session at a time!

Here's the Book: Score Your Soulmate 
Here's the Website: Lisa M Hayes