Broken Bowls and Lightbulbs

I've been here 5 months. Almost. It will be 5 months on the 14th of this month.

I really love it here. It's near perfect.

I have amazing friends here that have become best friends.

Their families are also amazing and their friends have become my friends.

I love that about this place. I also love the air, the smells, and how I feel when I'm here. I love my independence. I love that I'm doing this whole thing on my own.

However, I am really missing my family today. I am beside myself actually.

My mom had bought me this set of bowls months ago and finally shipped them to me this last week. I opened them today and one was broken. I lost it. Serious breakdown. It was a gift from my mother and it had been broken by some asshole who clearly doesn't know what "fragile" means. The box looks like it's been drop kicked. I have had maybe 3 real breakdowns since I've been here and they all stem back to those jerks back home. The ones that raised me to be the kind of person who can just take off and move 35 hours away. I really really miss them.

I've done a lot since I've been here. I've accomplished a lot of things. I am starting new things and meeting new people. (Still single, I know that surprises all of you.. ha) But I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I am also learning that the hardest part about growing up is that my family likes Montana and no matter how hard I try I'll never convince any of them to come live here. With me. In my 500 sq/ft box.

I've also learned that apartment management doesn't replace light bulbs in really high ceiling fans and now I'm on the hunt for someone with a ladder so I can just fix it my damn self. This is one of those moments where I wish I had a guy in my life. I know I can fix the stupid thing myself and I really don't need a guy to do it, but wouldn't it be nice to just have the offer?

You're right. I'll just go buy my own damn ladder.

Chase Your Love

I've moved for love before. I moved to Wyoming because of what I thought was love. It was my idea (at the time) of what love is. Basically I moved because I was dependent on that person to make me happy and I've always hated that I moved for a boy.

I've always thought people were absolutely ridiculous for doing the same. Don't do it. That was my mantra. Don't ever move for a guy. Or for love. Or for anything that isn't 100% selfish. Ha.

Okay so fast forward to this morning when I read this article titled: "Staying Is Settling". The article basically outlines different reasons to move. And why we should move often. I have always been a big fan of the moving, the changing, and the different experiences that can come from a move or change.

However, #3 kind of threw me for a loop because it goes against everything I believe when it comes to moving and love.

I've also never looked at love as being the ultimate destination because let's be honest: I am a scrooge, grinch, grump, and just all out against love. Well, I have been in the past. A lot about this journey I am currently on has been discovering different ways to love. Without reservation, without dependency, and with full trust. Willing to fall and not be caught. That's what I'm learning. I can fall... or I can stay still. I've never liked to stay in one place so I am teaching myself to be more willing to fall.

The first line in this particular section of this particular article says this: To chase love is to chase happinesses. I agree that self-love equals happiness. I'll never disagree with that. This sentence held a little more meaning to me though. I took from it that chasing love, whether it's self love or the love of another, is what makes humans happy. Because after all, love is one of our most basic instincts. This was solidified by another line further down: If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.

I loved the point behind this even though I am still up in the air for my feelings on love. I moved to Wyoming for what I thought was love and/or happiness. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But it was an experience regardless of what it actually was or wasn't.

Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. 

Now I'm not saying I would move for love again in a heart beat. No, I'm not saying that at all especially since I have found something quite special here in NC. And that's nothing more than a relationship I have established with myself! However, I am less inclined to find someone to be a total nut job if it's something that they want to do.

Chase your love. Whatever your love is. Make sure you're going after it. And make sure that whatever experience comes from it is worth it for the greater good.

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This

I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.

Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.

I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.

Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.

I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.

Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.

And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!

Save Your Breath - I'll Catch Mine Eventually

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate to be warned about someone or something? I hate it. Why are you telling me all these things? What benefit to you is it to get that warning out there? You don't think I've had enough disappointment in my life that I can't handle a little bit more - if disappointment is even the end result? You don't think I can handle a let down? Or that I haven't been let down in the past? Yes, I am sick of disappointment. Yes, I hate being let down -- but You literally cannot shield another person from experiences.

Experiences. That's what life is. It's a combination of planned events, unplanned events, bullets to dodge, and dun dun dun.. experiences.

Every single decision we make during the day is ours to make. Do you remember in my last post when we discussed (I say "we" like you had any choice.. no I discussed) freewill. The ability to choose our own choices. Well I choose my Choice. I Choose My Choice. (Thanks, Charlotte York-Goldenblatt for this little quip). I choose to get wrapped up in something that may or may not work out because I have faith that things always will. Even though I know that disappointment and let down happens. I am well aware of these things.

I am well aware that my rose colored glasses I see everyone and everything through are often tainted by the goodness I believe exists in all people. I am well aware that this isn't a movie and this is real life and bad things happen to good and bad people and that karma is a bitch and that people can most definitely treat other people with vagrant ignorance. I get it. However, I don't choose to treat people this way. I don't purposely try to screw anyone over and hurt them, so I don't expect anyone to actually do that to me. Even though, it has definitely happened. No one warned me about those people. No. Where were the warnings with them? Nowhere. Do I even on some level wish someone would have been there to say "Now, Katie..." because that would have instantly taken away my ability to choose my own choice.

In closing: Unless you have evidence that someone is a serial killer rapist pedophile or can show me specific examples of where someone has specifically said "Cannot wait to screw ____ over" then mind your own business.

That's it: Mind ya bid'ness

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon

I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am. 

I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.

I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well. 

See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).

Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.

I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.

You're welcome.

Stop Needing and Start Living

I witness a lot of things go down on Facebook. I see all the posts and the inspirational sappy bullshit that comes along with it. I see the frustration with "stupid" men and "needy" women being put on display via some picture of a desert or forest with a cheesy caption.

Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.

Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.

I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.

"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.

So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.

If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!

Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.

But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

A New Beginning.. Again

You're all about to go on another adventure with me.

No, I'm not moving again.

I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.

Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!

Soon to be an after! 

Labor Day '14

Well, we did it. Another Labor Day weekend has come and gone. I flew home to Dillon for my class reunion and also for all the Labor Day shenanigans in general. 

I'm constantly reminded by the company that I keep that I am beyond lucky. In every sense of that word. I saw faces I haven't seen in days, months, and years. I hugged, laughed, sang, drank, talked, and yelled my way through Labor Day weekend. Literally, I have no voice. 

I read something not long ago about how best friends in high school become distant friends and then fall into the acquaintance category. My story is different. Our story. In our story friends from preschool are still some of my best friends. Elementary, junior high, and high school. In my 20s I have found myself only loving these people more. 

Falling right back in step with one another. Creating new memories and telling old stories. 

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in Dillon and to have known the people I know. My heart is full. Not at capacity though as I'm always welcoming new people into the circle and they fall in place with us like they've known us for years. 

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The only thing I need now is some new vocal cords and a liver transplant. 

Dillon, you have proven to me yet again that you are the worlds greatest small town and we're all lucky to know you. 

Change of Plans

A couple of months ago I had plans for this weekend. Plans that would have determined a lot of different things about my life. If these plans were still in effect as they were a few months ago, the dinner I had with girls from work last night wouldn't have happened. There are other things and people that currently exist in my life that wouldn't exist had these plans not fallen through as well.

I say fallen through as if things just kind of didn't work out. Which they didn't, obviously, but not just circumstance... Anyway.

It's funny... this weekend could have been substantially different than the weekend I am living currently. So even though Thursday isn't technically the weekend it still counts as something that would have never happened. I got to finally see the city. The actual city. It was amazing. My tour guide was hilarious and took me to a lot of vastly different places. From one of the more ghetto areas to an extremely ritzy area. Through uptown and then through NoDa. NoDa is full of hipsters and I found myself strangely drawn to it! There is a lot more to see, I'm sure, and I'm looking forward to checking more of it out eventually.

And then Last night I laughed with girlfriends. I haven't laughed with girlfriends since I left Montana. We told stories and made jokes and just in general got to know each other outside of work. There was very little work talk and really we just talked about our lives and future plans and how we got to where we are today. It was awesome and I think I could really fall into wonderful friendships with these girls. Very happy with where I am in that regard. And then today I finally made it out to Kitty City in Concord. I fell in love with an unexpected little fella. He's white and grey and his name is Thor. I will be changing that name immediately to Kevin. Immediately.

I was going to go around town and do a few more things but upon leaving Kitty City I realized I was absolutely covered in cat hair and while I am not afraid of 'cat lady status', I cannot wear it like a badge of honor because honestly it just looks ridiculous. So I came home and all of these thoughts occurred to me so here I am writing them out for everyone back home to see. That really is the point of all of this. To keep everyone updated.

I'm eating and preying and loving this entire situation and had the plans that fell through not fallen through this weekend... I would be in a substantially different place in my life right now. I am so glad that whatever it was ended because something better has definitely pulled together in my life to show me how absolutely grateful I should be to be who I am.

I left behind all of my friends and all of my family to go on an adventure and while I am absolutely missing every single one of them right now, I assure you all that I couldn't be happier in this current situation.

Early Morning Early Warning

My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"

I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.

One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!

2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!

I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.

So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.

Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.

Dream A Little Dream pt2

First of all, I dream constantly. When I was a little girl I would tell my dad (in great detail) about the dreams I had the night before. They've always been vivid, in color, full sound. I can control my dreams. If I recognize it's a dream, they turn into video games and I can actually make them go however I want. I have had repeat dreams more times than I can count and they are the best video game dreams because I can make them better than before. I fly a lot. Not a stand and take off fly though. I run really fast and I just take off. Like an airplane. I had a dream once where I was a bird. An actual bird. It was pretty interesting.

I've had dream friends since I could remember, too. I know they say everyone in our dreams are people we've actually seen in conscious life, but some of these people have been appearing in my dreams since I was a child. I don't know their names and I never get a clear face, but I know they are the same people. I don't know if I believe that dreams mean anything because I honestly think they are just our subconscious giving us pictures as to how we view the world. My world is sometimes terrifying, but most the time it's just a good time. (Life imitating dreams.. clearly)

Last night I had this dream where Bon Jovi (gross) was playing a concert in my mom's backyard. My brother and I decided we'd rather see Sublime so we headed up to the college to watch their show. When we got home Bon Jovi was still tearing down and I was exhausted and drunk. I asked them who they were and they all at the same time replied "Bon Jovi". I told them I'd never heard of them and asked what they sing. They listed a what's what of their greatest hits and I pretended like they must not be that big yet. I could feel the frustration at this point but I kept arguing anyways. At this point I realized it was a dream and with that I started telling them how terrible and cliche they were. I basically chewed out Bon Jovi and it felt like heaven.

I've had multiple dreams like this that have just stuck with me. One that I had in high school will never leave me. Everyone was up at the college in my hometown (I dream about this place a lot) and everyone was in line getting vaccinated for various things. I got sick of waiting and decided to walk home. Nearing the parking lot of the college I realize there is a guy in a jeep and he offers to give me a ride. I know this guy, but not that I can recall in real life have I ever actually met him. Dark hair, born eyes, great eyebrows. It's really snowy out and as we're driving I notice he's passed my mom's house. He flips around in front of the catholic church and heads back in the right direction. As he drops me off he writes his number on a piece of paper (pre-cellphone era) and it was 153-5166. I still don't know what this number means and I've never forgotten it. As soon as I woke up I wrote it down and it's just stayed with me.

Like I said before, I don't know if dreams mean anything or if they are just little plays our brain puts on for us as we sleep. Sleep would be really boring without dreams and I don't know how people who don't dream manage to sleep through the night.

The worst dreams are the ones where you wake up sobbing uncontrollably though... I'll save that for another post.

Friendship Date (A day late!)

Friendship day was yesterday (August 3rd). I missed it! Fortunately I talked to a few of my good friends back home. Life has actually kept on going since I left. I'm surprised you're all functioning so well without me. I know how hard it was for everyone to say goodbye to me. I was like the glue that held that little town together so I'm glad to see that I left a residue... :)

So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.

So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.

"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."

"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."

"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."

"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."

"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."

And Lastly:

"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."

Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.

My friends are irreplaceable.

Back to the Basics

Trying to think of things to write lately has been difficult. I have thoughts and opinions but I have become more worried lately about what people are going to think about my thoughts and opinions. I have recently stopped writing for myself and have started writing for whoever is reading. That's terrible and that's not at all how a real writer should be. I'm not going to impress everyone and I'm definitely not going to make or break relationships by keeping everything rated G or letting everything fluctuate into an R rating. I started this because I do have a voice and I do have my own shit going on. I'm on the adventure of a lifetime!

I've also found that I'm losing my writing style. I'm trying to compare myself to writers on other blogs and I'm finding that it's actually killing my own thought process. I don't need to use every $5 word in the book in order to get my point across. I like things black or white. I like not having a gray area. I like knowing and not being kept in the dark or lead on.. so why am I treating my potential readers the same way? I need to get back the point of this whole thing and that was to keep friends and family in touch with what it is I have been up to.

So let's get back to the basics by saying things have been happening lately and I believe them to be good things. I am trying to throw off my old habits by not actually putting all my eggs in one basket but luckily, because of my past experiences.. I have learned that slow and steady wins the race. So I'm going to actually just leave that as is because I don't know what else to say at this point. It could be good. I'm hoping it's good but won't be destroyed if it's not good. It's life.

I recently joined back up with the rest of the world and hooked up cable and internet. I have spent a total of 2 minutes watching TV (mostly to check and make sure I have AMC) and the rest of the time has been spent with my new boyfriend: Netflix. Well not new, we've actually been in a relationship for a lot of years. Back when DVDs and streaming came hand in hand. We took a break from each other but our relationship is still firm. That's what love is -- I think. Clearly, I'm an expert.

Today is going to be (well it's supposed to be) a productive day if I could peel myself away from the Roku and get in the damn shower. I have to pay rent, get an oil change, join the gym and clean my apartment.

Maybe it's not a full day, but Netflix and I have plans later.

The Real Best Parts About Growing Up With Brothers

So, really, I was raised in a pack of wolves. My brothers are animals. They were absolutely the worst human beings. Just complete down to the core assholes. I mean that in the nicest way.

But that always worked to my benefit. While they both disliked me a majority of our childhood, I could count on either one of them to have my back if anyone was being awful to me. So let's start there.

1. Built In Security System. One of the things I loved about being the baby of the family, is that I was baby of the family with 2 older brothers. Basically, if you were mean to me... you were done. Probably my favorite memory of this in action would be when a kid in elementary school was relentless. He was awful to me. All the time. The school wouldn't do anything and I think my mom was sick of me coming home in tears every single day. So, instead of having smoke blown up her 'a' by the administration once again, she said something to my middle brother. I do believe it was the very next day I witnessed that problem being taken care of. It still warms my heart.

2. Thick skin. Well let's be honest here. Even though I grew up being picked on and tortured.. I'm still a sensitive Sally. But they did teach me a lot of come backs and witty things to say later in life.

3. As adults, I now have 2 built in best friends. So they may not see it this way, but they seriously are 2 of the best friends a girl could have. They are still assholes, but so am I. We treat each other terribly but seriously, when it comes down to the important stuff, they are always there. J more than likely will tell me how completely ridiculous I'm being while B will basically tell me to grow up. They have never sugar coated anything with me. They are the absolute definition of what good tough love is. And I love them for it.

4. Really really really great taste in music. It's true! I like some absolute shit, however, my brothers both gave me an ear for good music. It may have started with our mother as she pretty much had us listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin in the womb, but these two guys seriously instilled a love for all things music in me at an early age. B always loved the heavy stuff. Pantera, Metallica.. you name it. There was a lot of it happening in my house. J was always more diverse and completely different than anyone. Once we downloaded Napster in our house the sky was the limit. I don't mean to sound totally hipster here, but we were listening to stuff before anyone else in our area had ever heard of it. J has always been good about that. He still to this day sends me songs from artists of which I have never heard, and it takes a while for the rest of the world to catch up.

5. I am really choosy. I may end up single forever because of these clowns. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, and really I hope I don't end up single forever, but they've made this dating thing really hard on a girl in a really good way. I look up to these two guys so much and their opinions mean the absolute world to me. I couldn't imagine being with someone, dating someone, marrying someone... if these 2 didn't approve. If they didn't love him, how could I? It's not that hard to be someone these two would like to be around though. Be funny, be nice to their sister, and be ready to have someone pick you apart, make fun of you, and absolutely be ready to give it all back to them. In my family, if you can't take a lot of sarcastic jabbing, then you my friend, will not make it out alive.

Like I said: they're animals. But they're also 2 of my very best friends in the world.

Also, they're going to hate this post and I'm going to get no end of grief for writing it.

The Best Parts About Growing Up With Older Brothers

Nothing.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

When I lived in Dillon (a whole 1.5 weeks ago), I'd get off of work, go home and practically ignore the fact that there was an outside world. If I went straight home after work I typically stayed there. I cannot even fathom doing that here. I used to just sit right down and watch TV. Or sometimes make it to the gym. Mostly though, if I made it home I stayed there.

Here I find myself getting home around 3:50-4pm. I do some things. Put dishes away that I've left out to dry, straighten up my bathroom, make my bed, etc. Then around 5 I always think that's the perfect time to go out and do things. Find some place to shop and/or spend money. Groceries, decorations, nonsense. I try to get to my destinations based on street names alone and most of the time I do just fine. I can now make it from my apartment to Walmart and back without so much as looking at my GPS. It's freeing. It really is.

Last night, I was caught in what can only be describe as a torrential downpour. You ain't neva seen a stawm like we had last nigh'. The lightning was literally striking in the neighborhood across from mine. As I was driving home with a trunk full of stuff for my little abode, I was splashed by this lake that had formed in the middle of the main street. Seconds of not being able to see. I think normally this is a situation in which I would have panicked. Pulled over, cried a little and then put myself together and carried on my way. Last night though I couldn't help but laugh! The driver that splashed me slowed way down and I looked at him and he looked mortified. As if he did it on purpose. I was laughing so hard he probably thinks I'm absolutely crazy. I've never seen such a body of water form in the middle of a road like that.

It's little instances like this that show me how much I've already changed for the better. Now, I always always put all my eggs in one basket. It's just what I do, however, I feel very comfortable saying that this place has honestly made me twice the independent person I was before I got here. I still have yet to find myself in a bar or restaurant by myself. But today is Friday.

Who knows where this night will take me.

A Life Alone is a Life Worth Living (A listicle)

This list is inspired by a friends' Facebook status today. She gave a brief 'pro and con' over living alone.

A week into it and I have a few of my own:

PRO I can literally talk to myself about anything and no one is going to say "Are you talking to me or yourself". It's nice to have these moments with myself. I understand me.

CON I pretty much have to talk to myself all the time because I'm a talker and when there is no one else around to talk to, I'll still continue to talk. I like an audience, but really... I need no audience.

PRO No judgement for any decision made within those walls. Seriously! I can eat dinner pantsless, in bed watching Sex in the City. Dinner can be as healthy as chicken tacos or as bad (but delicious) as Bojangles.

CON No judgement means I can pretty much fall into any and all bad habits without any qualms. Something I need to already check myself on.

PRO Sometimes, I can leave a cup in the sink over night and not feel like the world is going to end. Seriously, I can even leave my plate next to the sink for a little while and not feel a bit guilty about it.

CON There is literally no one but me to clean up after myself so, really, things get cleaned rather quickly. That could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm terrified of these bugs down here and I'm not interested in rooming with any of them.

PRO I don't have to share my new couch.. with anyone. It's pretty amazing really. Sprawl out for a nap and no one is gonna show up to interrupt you. You can also drink wine in the middle of afternoon on your couch without anyone passing judgment! An entire bottle of wine. In a water glass.

CON Opening a bottle of wine is hard. I need a boyfriend and/or a better bottle opener. Just to open it. Then they can leave whilst I drink the whole thing.

PRO After you drink a bottle of wine, it is completely okay to just get down on the floor and do some yoga. It may be considered counterproductive, but the relaxing quality of wine and the soothing quality of yoga combined all together is a really incredible feeling.

CON There are literally zero cons to doing yoga after drinking a bottle of wine.

NC to PA.. A Quick Weekend Trip

What a fast weekend that was!
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.

Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.

I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.

One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.

New Life!

I haven't updated this in a while because I literally have nothing to write about. I guess for now I can say that I absolutely love my new office. Everyone is very friendly and sweet. I am impressed with how many of them have popped over to say Hi or requested I find them so we can finally meet face to face. It was a nerve wracking first morning on Wednesday. I went to the wrong building first and then when I found the right building I was in the wrong parking lot! Oh well, I made it and it's been a ride.

Although I'm technically alone in this giant city, I have yet to feel actually alone. I don't have Wi-Fi or cable at the new place so I've been watching a lot of "Sex in the City" that I have on DVD. I also went ahead and bought "Seinfeld" and a season of "Friends". I go to the grocery store, cook dinner, do laundry. I FaceTime with family and text with friends. I snap as many pictures of this experience as possible.

I miss everyone back home so much, but not enough to give up. I am pushing forward in this new adventure and things are happening quickly. I head to Pennsylvania to see some friends tonight and then Monday I start a book club. (I have yet to finish the book.. I better get busy). That will give me a huge opportunity to meet some brand new people. I have to drive into Charlotte, which is terrifying, but I'm learning.

I'm learning that you do not drive the speed limit here. Like EVER. It's a mere suggestion. 10-15 miles over is what the actual speed limit is according to everyone here. On my 3rd day into the commute I am comfortable enough to put my music on blast and have a little concert in my car on the way to work. It's crazy how being in a place with 800,000 people has completely raised my self esteem. I feel like I could do absolutely anything!

Anyway, I am excited to get on the road tonight and I'm excited to head back to MT for Labor Day weekend. I'm just excited to do just about anything right now.

I'm just excited.

Hey Ya'll. Have a good one!

My goodness! That's about all I can say about today!

I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.

Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.

So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.

I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.

This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.

Dream a Little Dream

I really need a dream interpreter. This one almost blew my mind as far as weirdness. 

I literally rode my office chair down to some place where they empty banana boxes and then realized I shouldn't have left work yet so instead of my office chair I stole a car. (I think I was still in Dillon at this time and not NC). I then was involved in gang activity which had me beating a mob boss up with a Billy club.. And then also opening a safe using this same method. 

After, I ended up in a house that I thought was my dad's, however, my friend's dead grandmother was in one room and I was just simply told not to go in there. I didn't realize my dad's dog, Junebug, hadn't been outside all day until she disappeared and I then found her in the dead grandma's room peeing in what I assumed to be the same spot she had been peeing in all day. I went in to clean it and that's when I noticed not only is the very obviously passed away grandmother of my friend sitting in there, she's sitting up in a recliner with her eyes wide open staring at whoever walks into the room. All I could think was that I wanted to tell my friend how sweet her grandmother looked...dead.

 

I cleaned up the pee and that's about when I woke up or stopped remembering my dream. 

I have had really bizarre dreams since I was a kid...obviously. 

Realizations

10 years ago I graduated high school! I couldn’t wait to get out of the ‘hell hole, death trap’ town that everyone was STUCK in and going nowhere!

I couldn’t wait to run away from the 3 MIPs (minor in possessions).

I couldn’t wait to be independent from my parents. I couldn’t wait to get away from the same boring old routines that everyone falls into in this town.

I couldn’t wait to have real options for stuff to do! Anything was possible outside of this town. I couldn’t wait to be away from all the gossip and people talking shit. I really hated people knowing my business and knowing who I was.

I couldn’t wait to make real money and go out and party constantly and never worry about the cops busting it up.

I couldn’t wait to not be referred to as one of my siblings little sisters or have someone know exactly who my mom was.

I couldn’t wait to get away from the small town mentality and close mindedness that everyone in that town possesses.

I’m really glad I grew up.

Fast forward to now. I just graduated college! I cannot wait to leave Dillon but not because it’s a hell hole that I’m stuck in.

I haven’t been in a single bit of trouble since I was 18 and I value my independence above any other trait I possess. I have fallen into a wonderful routine here that I will never regret. I frequent the same bars, same restaurants and I hang out with the same people. And I love all of it!

There is a lot to do here. You just have to be willing to have a little bit of a creative mind and money for beer. There are a lot of possibilities in this town; however, even I know that working PR in this town would be difficult at best.

Not that I’m in the middle of the gossip, but I hear it and no one talks about me. And if they do, I honestly don’t know where their shit talking would come from. I absolutely love that people know me here now. I love it! They may not know me personally but I’ve met people that have ‘heard of me’ and it’s never been a bad thing.

I have literally not made ‘real money’ in my life. I make enough to get by for a single, kid-free person. I’m comfortable. Partying constantly gets old. Yeah, I said it. I love to drink, but I hate to feel it for 4 days afterwards.

I still cringe when someone says “Oh you’re so and so’s little sister!” I hate it. But I’m also secretly proud when these people also say “I love that guy” referring to either brother or “she’s so sweet!” referring to any of my step sisters and if you know my mom count yourself lucky. She’s absolutely amazing and I will fight you to the death over the fact that my mom IS better than your mom.

This town is small town and the people have their own opinions. The only thing that was close-minded was me. I had a complete inability to realize people are entitled to their own opinions...even if I don’t agree with them! It doesn’t make them ‘bad’ people. We just don’t have discussions related to that topic.

Growing up here wasn’t easy, but growing here made me who I am today.

Always Grateful

Being sad when you say goodbye to friends and family doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. It actually means that thus far all the choices you have made have been the right ones.

I'm very fortunate to feel this sadness right now. It means that I've been living my life well surrounded by amazing people. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of something new. An adventure. My heart will heal eventually and the sadness I feel will fade but I'll never stop missing the people in my life that have made the last 6 years incredible. 

Even when I do meet my new co-workers and make new friends and fall in love, these people will be a part of my life. The experiences I've had with them will carry me through to my next part of life. 

I'll always be grateful to this town and these people. And I am looking forward to seeing what the next 6 years of my life will develop into. 

Online Dating Observations

Okay so, it's 2014. Most everyone that I know at this point has been on some version of dating site. I've tried a couple. Most recently, I decided to give it another shot because of this move across the country. I figured I could try and make some new friends in advance, however, I've come up short every single time. Maybe it's because I shouldn't be on a dating site to make friends... I am almost certain it's because I am actually the 'meet cute' kind of girl. We're not going to meet sitting on our respective computers, we're going to meet in a grocery store, bowling alley, bar.. somewhere adorable like that. But, it's slowly becoming a realization that I am not meeting any of the Rights online. (Not to discount people who have met their 'others' on dating sites. I know quite a few people actually that have been successful in this way. I'll call them the lucky ones.)

1. If I don't respond, I'm not interested. It's a lot like when someone doesn't respond to me. I can take a hint and move on. You're really not getting it when your "hey beaitufl" goes unanswered? Which takes me to my next point:

2. If there are a lot of lazy spelling errors in your messages, I won't respond. There is the occasional mistype and I get that. Sometimes you transpose letters or auto-correct isn't working to your advantage, but as in the case above, if those are the only two words you're sending me and 50% of it is an error? I'm probably not giving you the benefit of the doubt.

3. Why do you only have pictures of you with other females? If you are trying to attract a woman, any woman, then why are you only posting pictures of yourself with multiple other females? I totally understand you wanting to display how 'attractive' you are to the opposite sex, but if that were true why are you on a dating site? You have 50 friends that are all girls and zero male friends. To me that screams RUN!

4. When I say "I'm actually really independent".. that isn't a bad thing. And it also doesn't mean that "I'm only independent until you come into my life." I don't say these things to make you feel some type of way about me. I seriously mean that my independence is important to me and I can still maintain that even while in a relationship, so don't tell me I won't 'need' to be independent once I meet you.

5. I am looking for new friends is not an invite to proposition me for sex. It does not mean that I am looking for 'friends with benefits' on an online site. I don't think I have to explain this further.

6. No, even online, actually does mean no. This one should actually go along with #5, but I had to reiterate.

7. Please actually read my profile. It's always very obvious to me when guys don't take the time to even skim my profile. It's not even a long read. It's a couple of short sentences about how I am literally looking for friends, what my interests are, and what kind of person (I hope) I am. Asking me questions that can be answered by peeling open your eyes for like 2 seconds is not going to secure a response from me.

8. I don't want your phone number. Not right away, anyway. Mostly because I don't want to give you mine right away because the more that happens the more I risk having to eventually change my number. It's always so unnerving when your second message to me is your phone number. Why? So we can now continue this ever so promising 1 message long relationship via text message? No, please.

9. Not all online daters are shallow. You sent me an 'interested' sign, I checked out your profile. I didn't message you. You then message me and ask how dare I not message you back after you click 'interested'. I must be shallow or just cruel. Right? Or maybe I saw that you're old enough to be my dad, you have 'being awesome' listed as one of your hobbies and you have 5 kids.

10. Cheesy pickup lines online, too? We're all on this site for a common reason. To meet someone new. Whether that person is going to be a new friend, a new relationship or a new whatever. I don't need you to add insult to injury by using any form of pickup line to get me to speak to you. That includes also the cheesy one liner compliments. "Hey beautiful" "Hey cutie pie". I couldn't imagine myself ever sending a message to a random stranger and saying "Hello, handsome!" It just cheapens the whole experience for me.

I just do better meeting people and making friends in person. I have slowly brought myself to this conclusion.

I am going to keep trying and I haven't deleted my account...yet. Like I said before, I know people who have actually been successful in this way! I just don't know if it's the 'way' for me.

A 2 Part Listicle (pt 1)

One of my favorite parts about the internet is the LISTS. A lot of people hate lists and a lot of writers hate lists. I am neither a person nor am I a writer because on a list of Things I Love:

1. Lists are number 1! I seriously love lists. Especially when lists are happy! A list of things someone loves is probably my favorite thing in the world. You can essentially learn a lot about people by their "list". Also, the more we talk about the things we love, the better off we are. I love you, lists. All of you. 

2. Owls. Long story short, I was being extremely grumpy one day and my weird ass middle brother showed me his impression of a burrowing owl. Which was so stupid and hilarious... I now equate owls with belly laughs. I often refer to them as 'owies' because I'm actually 12 years. My mom bought me some kitchen towels with owls on them. I refer to them as my "owie towies'. *Issues run deep with this one*

3. Really terrible music. It's no secret that I have a tendency to listen to shitty music. Not like universally shitty like Nickelback or Creed. No, it actually might be worse.. because on my current playlist I have such things as Miley Cyrus, One Direction and Selena Gomez. I like to think that the Aesop Rock, Atmosphere and Josh Martinez that are also included on the previously aforementioned playlist allows me some leeway from too much judgement, though. I'm 28 and I will still party like I'm 18 to some pop music.

4. Guys in Hats. Not to be mistaken with guys in cowboy hats, top hats or *shudder* fedoras. I mean ball caps. Not flat billed hats. Ball caps. Like the ones that show off their favorite sports team or store they frequent. Not that a nicely gelled or 'pasted' hair style isn't good with me, there is just something about a hat. Also under the hat is probably messy hair. And who doesn't love messy hair?

5. Orange Beers. Sometimes referred to as the 'beermosa'. I can't get enough of these things. They are refreshing on a hot day, soothing on a stressful day, and perfectly acceptable on a day that reaches 20 below zero. I take mine with Miller Light and OJ. Sometimes a Blue Moon or a Raspberry Wheat Shock Top. Mostly I'm happy with a Miller Light and OJ. I am literally drooling right now.

6. Well gin shots. Warm gin, straight up. Shot glass. Family. It's definitely a family tradition and it is just something we do.

7. Someecards. I have made so many of these things. Here, I'll share a few of my personal favorites that I have made. Feel free to share or save.

There are definitely a lot of things in this life that I love. I have been fortunate enough to find my happiness in these last 6 years and I'm grateful for all the amazing experiences that are to come. 

These are just 7 out of a million. Find your happy in the little things! That's the only advice I know I can give.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

5 Things I Plan on Doing When I Move

1. Starting a brand new daily routine. I am literally going to wake up and do things differently on my very first working day in NC. My current routine has me disheveled and leaving the house in disarray before I head to work. I am going to first make myself a cup of coffee and grab a book or "Drop 7" (favorite phone game) and just breath. I might take myself for a walk (time permitting) or just simply meditate on the day going great. If I end up getting cable, I'll watch the news. Or simply put away the dishes from the night before. Currently I wake up, shower, and leave. I really want that extra time in the morning to just recharge and energize and get ready for the day.

2. I will not frequent the same places twice in a week. I might pick a grocery store and stick to it, however, I am going to not go to the same coffee shops, restaurants, bars, salons, gas stations, or any other little shops I might stop into. This way, I don't get stuck in a bad routine with places that aren't the right fit. I can almost audition different places and might even end up in the place where I make new friends or find the love of my life. But those 2 things won't just be in any old place. They'll be in the 'right' place.

3. I will take myself out on dates. I have never gone to a movie, a restaurant or a bar and just sat completely by myself. If I do that in my home town I won't be alone. I'll inevitably know someone else in that establishment and thus the solo date usually turns into sitting with someone else or another group or what have you. I really want to go to dinner and then a movie completely and totally alone. Maybe stop at a bar on the way home and have a beer or two and then take myself home. Maybe cuddle with myself. That last part is a stretch. I just really want to get to know me. And sometimes the best way to do that is to date yourself. I hope I don't get something stuck in my teeth or say something embarrassing... to myself...

4. I am going to join a gym. This is a given though. My apartment building has a gym and the Y is only 11 minutes from where I'll be living. I need a gym to sustain my sanity. Working out is not only super great for physical health it's also amazing for well-being. I think people say this kind of stuff all the time and a lot of people just roll their eyes - but seriously. It's a brilliant escape and that whole endorphin thing? Not a rumor.

5. I am going to suck it up and talk on the phone. As many of my close friends know, being on the phone is my least favorite part about the day. I am on the phone constantly at work. We talk to Medicare, other providers and sometimes patients. Being on the phone all day basically means I loathe being on the phone after work. However, in order to keep in touch with the brilliant and beautiful people I know back home, I'm going to have to just do it. I have always wanted to change my voice mail to "Hang up and just text me". But, I know I'll soon discover that being on the phone with my favorite people back home will actually be a nice little release. (Along with a bottle of wine.. or 2)

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

Day 1 #100happydays

Day 1 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and continue to heal from the amount of drinking I did this weekend.

Now that I've addressed that let's start with what made me happy today. Hank! Every time I look down at his adorable little face, messy hair and crooked arms.. I can't help but smile. I've made him cowboy hats, referee jerseys, and I've even given him a mustache or two. I found his best friend Eric while downtown on Christmas Eve a few years ago. They have been inseparable ever since. I brought him a sea shell last year from NC that he adores and he loves bananas, ChapStick, and making new friends.

He is really one of a kind. Well sort of, I did have to buy a whole box of him because he's fragile and his little face falls off after a while. He likes to take selfies or pose with friends. He's versatile like that. 

So he was my #Day1 because he's so simple and adorable. Just like life :)

My #100HappyDays

I wrote a whole post earlier that basically resulted in me feeling worse than I would have had I just let the negativity go. 

So, I'm starting over with this. 

Today is a perfect day! I am still alive.

Shouldn't that be enough? I take so many days for granted by calling them bad days or letting myself be a grump ass all day. Or by letting other people determine how my day is going to go. Shitty drivers, past friends, asshole clerks, loud kids...

Today all I can do is my best and forget about the past. Even yesterday which isn't hard because I drank entirely too much last night anyway. Oh and my brilliant drunk ass sent some texts. Which isn't unheard of for me. But one particular text was really angry and full of really bad grammar. I'm mostly sorry for the grammar. 

Back to the point of this post: tomorrow I am starting #100HappyDays. Inspired by a friend on Instagram. She's a very kind person and her happy posts even make me smile so my happy posts are bound to change my life... Right? 

My number one all time favorite movie in the entire world (Poolhall Junkies) has a quote that I really need to pay more attention to. 

"Every day is a good day, kid..just try missing one once!" Duh

High Five Your Intuition

Women want a gentleman. Right? I mean for the most part we want someone who falls under this definition:

gent·le·manˈjentlmən/

noun

1.a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.

Let's break that down: 

Chivalrous: behaving in an honorable or polite way especially toward women

Courteous: very polite in a way that shows respect

Honorable: having or showing honesty and good moral character

So basically a gentleman, in today's world, would honor the relationship (no matter how small) he has with a woman. He would respect her enough to get to the bottom of things and not just bail on the relationship (again no matter how small).  There would be a conversation. There would be balls involved. Big ones. Unless of course said gentleman is ball-less. Which, in most of my most recent cases.. this happened to be true. I'm sure of it.

So, what is a 'good moral character'? Is that carrying on multiple relationships with many women at once? Is that trying to figure out which woman he is carrying on with is going to benefit him the most and thus dropping the others like a bad habit when another is more convenient? I don't know about you, but that direction isn't on my own personal moral compass and I'd be hard pressed to find a respectable moral person to actually have that on theirs. 

I guess what I'm getting at here is that... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not you .. it actually is quite literally him. But maybe it's a little bit you and me because aren't we allowing this sort of behavior... right? In a sense? There is smart and then there is intuition. And then there is a smart intuition. 

I would say my intuition needs to be trusted a bit more and I need to give it more credit. 

More high fives and coffee breaks. Definitely.