The Game Changer 2016

Hi Lisa!
I am one of those 30 year old girls that always ends up on the shitty end of the breakup. I have confidence until I get into a relationship. I've read every "self help" book and listened to every podcast. I get inspired like someone lit a fire under me for a bit...and then I crash. I get so needy in a relationship but yet I pay for everything. Needy emotionally ...but financially sound.

My friend says I don't have enough self worth to really stand my ground and get what I deserve. Yes I have weight to lose and that hinders my self esteem but I know there are a million other wonderful things about me that I need to protect. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I won't end up alone but I'm sick of being walked on. I am so angry with men yet I know really I should be angry with myself for allowing the bad behaviors.
I've listened to every single one of your podcasts and I just absolutely love your view points.
Help? -Katie

I sent this on 6/10/2016. And to say this email changed my life is an understatement. From that day forward I hired Lisa Hayes to tell me how to live my life. I needed it. I needed someone to coach me into adulthood. All of these relationship issues were just the tip of the iceberg. The next few months, every time I talked to Lisa I would end up in tears. Because it wasn't at all about being bad in relationships or the dreaded "being needy" that most women are accused of. I truly disliked myself. Everyone else was placed so much higher than I placed myself.

Reading the above email is hilarious to me now. To be completely and 100% honest I reached out to her hoping I could learn something to fix my most recent failed relationship. Maybe if I changed... I could somehow get him to come back. Throughout the process I kept thinking though "If only HE saw how much I have changed and how better I am." It wasn't until probably the 2nd month I was in this thing with Lisa that everything clicked. What I ended up learning was how much I didn't need or want that relationship or anymore similar relationships to exist again. 

I was finally growing a relationship with myself. I know people don't always struggle with this. This "self love" thing comes so naturally to some so this process of hiring a life coach and having to work on it when I'm 30 is probably a little... kooky to some people. And that's fine. You can definitely have your opinions on it.  I needed this. I didn't know I was okay. Before all of this, I didn't know people could like me just because they liked me. I always thought everyone had an angle. I always felt that if I didn't act a certain way people would leave. Because people have left. And I put it all on me and blamed myself. 

2016 was my best year yet because I finally figured out how to love myself. It's necessary and required. And it's the foundation for all other love. 

For 2017 I resolve...
To build my relationship with myself. 
To continue to take care of myself first. 
To paint as often as possible.
To continue to be happy.

Us

Forward: This wasn't written for anyone but myself and the women and men out there that have gone through enough. Enough. Who don't think they're enough. Who don't hope for enough. This is from us. We've all been through it and if you haven't you either had it all figured out from birth or you're living under a rock.

This is an open letter to the ones who (luckily) got away

Dear you,

You're not special. You're not the first person to come into someone's life and walk out almost just as quickly. We gave you too much power. And even with this letter some might say we're still giving you power. But we're the kind of people who like to remove the weight from our shoulders one word at a time. We tried that with you though didn't we? We tried to get answers out of you, tried to seek out some closure. That didn't work for you though did it? You had already decided to take the"high road" and basically pretend that we never existed.

Luckily your actions(this is where we're giving you power) put some pep in our step. We took it upon ourselves to figure out what was wrong with us. Did you read that? We(the speaking party) were trying to figure out(deduce, hypothesize?) what was wrong(inaccurate, incorrect) with us. Isn't that silly? You're the one with zero backbone yet we found the fault in ourselves. Were we not pretty/handsome enough, did we not wait long enough to respond to your texts, did we cry on your shoulder too much, maybe we held our forks weird, or our laughs were too loud, perhaps we walked with a bit of a limp, or our toes curved oddly?

These are the things running through our heads. "If only I had just..." "Maybe I should have.." "I definitely shouldn't have.."

Don't we sound dumb? Clearly needy and probably absolutely crazy.

The only thing that is really the matter with us ...was you. You were so great in the beginning. They always are after all. Kind, filling our heads full of nice words and hope. Things that those of us lacking self love are missing in our lives. We're so busy tearing ourselves down we find someone with a couple of cute .50 words and we lose our minds! So afraid to speak our minds to you for fear you'll leave us! And what will we do without you?

Well some of us find someone new immediately. Ahhh yes. That rebound. The next one with the cute words and the sweet hope and all the stuff.

And the rest of us finally say through heavy sobs and alligator tears "What the f*ck is actually wrong with me? Why does it always end this way. Where did I go wrong?" And that's when through process and trial and error...we find it. We find the love we've been looking for.(And this is where we take the power back)

Oh it's a cautious fairytale, this love. We have kept a wall up between us and this love for so long it is a hard one to disassemble. But brick by brick...we let down our protection. And this love comes pouring in. Finally someone gets us!! Loves our quirks and our curved toes. Loves our weird eyebrows and the way our smile is crooked when we're tired. Loves that we're big softies and needy as hell. Loves that we cry during sad movie. Loves that we our so passionate about our hobbies that sometimes we ignore life and just do that for a while.

It was us all along. It was always us.

All the love we've been pouring on these exes in our lives, all the attention and energy we dish out to people who aren't capable of dishing it back... it just needed to be redirected back at us. The pain we were feeling from yet another failed relationship was nothing but something inside of us hurting because we still weren't getting it.

We were treating ourselves exactly like you did.

So thank you.

Thank you for not being anything special in our lives. Those of us that needed that final push have finally found the one we want to be with forever.

And it was Us... all along.

Quick Thoughts

I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts  were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.

Let's clear some things up. Here and now

1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.

2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.

3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.

4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.

5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.

6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.

Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.

An Apology of Sorts

To the right one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.

You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.

So I'm not sorry at all.

Score Yourself

My life coach (Lisa) posed a question to me a few weeks ago. She said to me "Katie.. what do you want in a man?"
My response? "Funny.. kind.. honest.. hard working.." She said okay pretty typical, vague, blah response. Lisa then asked me to DIG DEEP. She wanted specifics.

So I thought about it.. and I wrote my specifics. She then asked me to Score myself on these things.

Score myself? On things I want in a man? But ... this isn't about me.. this is about him. Which was clearly wrong. This is not about the hims in the world. It's about the ME. Just me. No one else.

Then she asked me to score myself 3 months ago. And to score the last few men I was in a relationship with. At this point my eyes became wide open to this process. Especially because my score 3 months ago is about 40 points less than it is now and I am not even going to talk about the scores my exes received. Amazing men and while they may have been aligned with Katie from 3 months or hell even 10 years ago... they are not aligned with present day Katie. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean they're bad guys or shitty boyfriends or assholes or anything like that. It simply means that anything more than a friendship just wouldn't be wise. For anyone. Especially me. Which is ultimately the person I have put at the top of my list. For once. Me.

I'm not going to get into details about scoring, my score (new or old), or their scores. (If you are interested I will be posting Lisa's website link and a link to check out her book below)  But what I will tell you is this... This shit is a science! For example, one of the qualities I want in a man is that I need them to enjoy giving and receiving. Love, time, gifts, support.. so on and so forth. When I went to score myself on this one she corrected me, took about 2 points off the score I would have given myself and said "You only scored this high because you are a giver. You give freely. You support, you love, you share your time... however, you are not at all a receiver. You have got to work on that." So that's phase 75 in all of this. Taking the tiny bits of what I want in a man, flipping them around on myself, and working on them. Bit by bit.

This week I am working on being better at receiving, being uncompromisingly and universally honest, and my positive sexual energy. Don't take that last one for what it sounds like. She simply wants me to ditch the hoodies and get into clothing that shows off who I am as a woman. Become a girl. It doesn't mean I have to dive head first into more floral patterns and any amount of skinny jeans. But I need to start celebrating what I've got.

I used to think the best thing about me is that I am staunchly independent. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me, buy me dinner, buy me flowers, take me to the movies, call me pretty, buy me birthday gifts. That's not independence... that's fear. If I say I don't want those things, and I continue to just pay for everything and never speak my mind on the subject then I won't seem needy and scare him away. Scare what way though? Someone I have no business being with?

The next man I date better buy me flowers and coffee, he better take me on dates, he better hold the door and tell me I'm gorgeous, he better spoil me and surprise me. I work hard. I pay my own bills.  And if it scares someone away to know that I want them to pay for dates then they can run far far away. I am a great girl looking for marriage. One day, not now!! I'm not ready for that yet. But one day I want to meet the man of my dreams at an alter in Vegas. Or by the river in Montana. Or on the beach in North Carolina. And if that is scary to the next man I meet then he can move right along. It's scarier for me to keep secrets, hold it all in, hide who I am.. then it is to end up alone.

I deserve amazing things in this life and I'm making them happen. One session at a time!

Here's the Book: Score Your Soulmate 
Here's the Website: Lisa M Hayes

A FairyTale

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had no idea the power she possessed. She absolutely loves to have conversation with anyone and everyone. She is a brilliant communicator whether she's speaking or writing. She is hilarious and smart. She can burn you in such a way it makes you love her for it. She can pick up a paintbrush and some 50 cent paints and create. Period. Whatever it is...she can do it. She always made friends easily. That was never the problem. The problem with this beautiful girl was that she didn't believe any of it. She lost her new friends, she felt like she had to be fake in order to keep people in her life, and she was never quite herself to people she had just met. It was hard for her to accept that people liked her for her. The friendships she had for 20+ years just always seemed to stay no matter what she did so she could handle that. New people? She felt like she had to be a version of herself that suited them and not let people see her weakness.

Falling in love was easy for her. She did it often. Or so she thought. The feelings she craved she forced. She had a very vivid imagination so it was easy for her to make believe that she was living in the fantasy world she saw on TV and read in books. She felt like the knot in her gut and the daily crying were just part of what love was. "This is butterflies!" she thought to herself. And soon they were. Not knowing that her intuition was yelling at her. Subtly at first and then it grew louder and louder until she broke. The relationship would crumble and the girl would move on to the next one. Never once did she address the knot in her stomach. She just let it grow.

One day, the girl met a boy. This boy was special. He had so many interesting things about him she figured this must be the one. The one that would be the everlasting love she's been looking for. He wasn't much of a talker but that was okay to the girl. He was attractive and funny. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with this boy that hardly spoke. She spoke enough for the both of them, she thought. The knot returned. The tears flowed like water. "Yay love! Just what I've been looking for!" Then it all came crashing down. The boy wasn't really interested in anything serious with the girl. He really enjoyed their friendship and cared about her a lot but he just wasn't ready for anything set in stone. All the girl heard was "I care about you" and continued on blindly. Finally it became obvious to the girl that the boy was slipping away from her. "He can't leave.." she thought "I need him." And just like that... he was gone. The girl was left empty again.

But this time it was different. "Why can't anyone love me? Why won't anyone just stay? I'm not loveable. I'm not good enough." She called into work. She couldn't even muster the courage to get out of bed. She couldn't face the day knowing that she had yet another failed relationship under her belt. Oh man and everyone that was so happy for her? So what now she has to explain it to all of them? Let them down? She was let down yet again by an evil boy. She was angry with the boy. This was all his fault. He could have just loved her and made her life so much easier.

Now, this whole time, the girl had a friend telling her all kinds of things she didn't think she needed to listen to. Like how she needed to take a break from guys and work on herself! The girl couldn't believe that. Why did she need to work on herself when as soon as she found someone to love her she would feel whole and good and right? This friend isn't an ordinary friend though. This friend is special. She's like a fairy Godfriend...which is like a fairy Godmother but she's not an old woman with silver hair and a wand. She's a wonderfully brilliant woman that always tried to build the girl up. Show her what was amazing about her. Of course the girl never believed her. She figured her friend was only saying these things because they were friends and she was saying them out of obligation.

Until one day, the girl had a conversation with someone who didn't know her. This woman seemed to dissect the girl bit by bit. She told the girl all the really great things about her that the girl tended to ignore or just couldn't see. She gave the girl the tools she would need and should be using in order to love herself. "Love myself?" the girl thought. It was a foreign concept. The girl had spent 30 years of her life thinking that someone needed to love her and then her life would be set and didn't ever in a million years imagine that if that someone loving her WAS her that everything would change. So she said "What the hell!" and decided to give it a go.

First, the woman told her she was not allowed to date during this process... Which was easy for the girl because she had already made up her mind that men were scum and she was mad at all of them for treating her so horribly.

Second, the woman wanted the girl to speak to herself lovingly and sweetly. No more harsh words and no more putting herself down.

So she began..

"Love myself. I love myself. I feel stupid. I LOVE myself. I love MYSELF. I am an idiot."

But the more she worked on it... the more she believed.

Then, the woman wanted her to really look back at her past relationships. What were the commonalities? What happened over and over? And what could be learned from each of them? As the girl wrote, the tears flowed. The pain that was coming up from a relationship that crashed and burned almost 10 years ago was enough to make her shut her journal and just cry. She couldn't believe it. When that relationship ended the girl didn't feel a thing and now all of a sudden she was working through some serious anger and pain and emotion. By the time the girl opened her journal again and got to the last two relationships she was fired up! She was angry with every stroke of her pen. Everything that hurt, everything that made her angry, everything! The girl could see in every word she wrote how little she valued herself. How much she hated herself. How the lack of love she had for herself shaped every relationship she's been in.

The girl had found it. She found the love for herself. She found her heart and her soul and what she was craving and missing. And that wasn't love from her mom, her dad, her friends, a man...


She found the most pure and true love that could ever exist. She was finally in love with herself.

And she lived happily ever after.

(You might be thinking that ending was rather abrupt.. is it that easy? Fall in love with yourself and the rest of your story will be happily ever after? Well, I am here to tell you... it is that f*cking easy.)

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!

5 Stars!

Every time a relationship ends I feel horrible. Another failed relationship under my belt! And I don't exactly look inside myself to find out why...No. I just blame the other person. When in reality the other people were never really that horrible. To me..for what I want and for what i deserve? Yah. Horrible. But in general I've dated the average guy who really gave me exactly what I expected from them because of how little I value myself. I allowed every single bit of the treatment. When in reality about a month into any of these relationships I should have ran. Some in fact...should have made me run before I even got wrapped up in them. I should have "read the reviews". 

I am a pretty smart shopper. I hardly buy a product in a store without knowing everything about it. I read through all the bad reviews and see the general consensus before I even think about making a purchase. I skim the good. In fact I hardly read the good. Because the good isn't what's helpful. Sure I love to know when 3000 people out of 4500 loved a book or a coffee maker. But the truth lies in those 1500 who weren't satisfied. With those kind of odds I'm betting I'll enjoy it, get a lot of use out of it, and maybe even love it. The problem is, there's no dating review site for men and women to join. A site where we all can look up our potential partners and read what their exes thought of them

Well Brad here got a 4.5 out of 5 stars! He was a great boyfriend to 25 women! 4 thought he was a tool but hey I like those odds! Oh and Mark only got a 1.5 out of 5. Wow. Those 27 women were really irritated by his lack of commitment but 2 souls out there thought he was just the keenest. 

This doesn't exist. We can't do this. And it would honestly be super creepy to write a review about an ex. "Well Mike was nice at first until I sobered up and realized he was a complete loser with 2 children he's hardly taking care of and I'm pretty sure he's lying about his job. Oh and my friends are certain he's a meth head" (actual review of a guy I dated once upon a time). 

But if I could just read the signs like I read reviews I'd be light years ahead of myself. I'd probably be with the guy who called first, texted back, traveled with me, cooked me dinner, made me coffee, loved my mom, joked around with my dad, and the guy that my brothers absolutely adored. The signs lie in our stomachs. Those pings and tings...the butterflies, the flips. This thought all came about because one of my best friends told me recently that she waits until all of those rose colored glasses are cleared up, the buzz, the excitement...and then she makes a decision about a guy. Whether or not he's actually good enough for her or if it was just the honeymoon phase that made her think it so. These are like our internal reviews. Our hearts and stomachs are giving these guys a 5 of 5. However, our brains are giving the realness. The bad reviews. 

I am too busy living in the land of rose colored butterflies that flip and ting to realize that someone isn't good enough for me. Because that feeling..that heightened happiness we all should feel has blurred my meter. It's made me ignore the stuff that bugs the shit out of me. The stuff that my (somewhat) logical brain is feeding me is where the real truth is. Always always read and consider the bad reviews before making a final decision. 

The glasses (and gloves) are off. 

Put Me In Coach

My whole life I've been the girl with the pretty face. The girl with the hot friends. The girl with the hot brothers. The girl with the good personality. The big girl.

The girl who settles for someone who will settle for her.

I find that if I go for less than what I deserve maybe they'll settle for me. I somehow feel like I've deserved the things I've been dealt. The relationships that have left me torn apart. The friends that have walked all over me. The guys who want a good time..not a long time. The guys who aren't honest, don't communicate, aren't willing to go above any measure, who aren't able to commit to just me... I've always told myself I don't deserve better than this. I always though I was just the girl someone settles for. Not someone anyone would want to seriously be with. All because of how I look.

I've always felt like I don't deserve to even really put my foot down and demand things in a relationship because look at me! Why would I deserve anyone who calls when they say they will? Wants to see me often? Wants to buy ME dinner? Wants to surprise me with fun gifts? Initiates conversation? Who smiles when I text them? Who wants to be in an actual relationship with me and not this half assed open relationship new age bullshit?

I tell people I'm not comfortable with other people paying for things for me. Movie tickets, dinners, drinks... The truth is I don't feel like I deserve any of that stuff. Like I don't deserve someone to want to spoil me and make me feel cared for! Treat me like I'm half a person because that's how I feel.

On paper I'm a dream girl. I'm laid back, hilarious, great conversationalist, I get along with anyone, I have amazing friends, I have a great job and I make my own money, I care about people with my whole heart, I'm goofy and unconventional,  I try to always be there for people who need me, I'm generous and I like to make sure everyone is having a good time, I'm curious and intelligent. I'm so many damn good things.

But because I'm a big girl I've put up with mediocre bullshit from all kinds of people.

And today...that all ends. Well yesterday. But I'm just writing this today. So today.

Because I am not my body, I'm not my weight, and I'm not my size.

I feel like I met myself for the first time last night during my very first session with a life coach. Yah. You read that right. A life coach. Because some of us have struggles and some of us have read every self help book out there and some of us don't know how to end the cycle and just love ourselves fully and completely.

Sportsing people didn't just learn to sports because they picked up their sports ball. They had a coach.

I just happened to not know how to life...so I hired a life coach.

Playground Antics

Here’s something fun:

All this writing I do? It means nothing. It’s my words and thoughts and ideas. It’s the words thoughts and ideas of my friends and family. It’s things I’ve read in books or listened to on podcasts. It’s probably the things I’m going to be learning in the next few weeks. But why can’t I apply them? Why is it that I have a bit of confidence, I’m sure of myself, and I’m pretty stable.. until I meet a guy? Why do I always jump immediately into “Okay this is the one I’m sure of it and now I’m going to push this and twist it and force it. We’re going to make this a thing whether he likes to or not!” Ew.

What makes me not able to just go with the flow like so many other people? One of my best friends was telling me the timeline of the relationship with her fiancé. They didn’t even really discuss exclusivity for like 6 months. Didn’t refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend until a year. Now I realize people are different and we don’t all work the same… but my last relationship I was pushing for both of those things to exist within 2 months. 2 months of even really knowing one another. My brain was already living back on the east coast and I was forgetting about all the things I had in the present. Like hobbies, friends, family.. a life.

I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. I mean I was in a relationship sure.. but I don’t think we both were. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s not anyone’s fault. Well it’s my fault. I know so many things about how you’re supposed to act and feel and be. I know that you’re supposed to set boundaries and you’re not supposed to just give your heart away at the first site of someone attractive and sweet. I know that you’re not supposed to chase or be caught easily. I know that as a woman if you have any self worth and value you’re supposed to let them come to you. They should want to. I shouldn’t be chasing boys around the playground anymore at the ripe old age of 30.

I know all of these things… yet the one thing missing from my smart little brain is the HOW. HOW in the HELL do women do this? How do you love yourself enough to just let go and have faith? How how how.

And that’s what I intend on finding out. How to not give chase…how to not be 5 year old Katie with 10,000 insecurities.

The only baggage I have is that.. insecurities.

So I’m going to learn how to unpack my bags and stay awhile.

Glue Not Required

To touch on my last post a bit more...

I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.

Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.

Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"

See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?

Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.

You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.

Why It Sucks To Be In Love with Love.. (But not yourself..)

Every time I fall in love I think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.

Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to continue for far too long.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I love to make them feel special and cared for."  And then I stopped. That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard. Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for 10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.." So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a really good head on my shoulders"?

And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her the absolute best way they could?

The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
 
 I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those 10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently. 

Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for. 

But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5. 
 

A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.