Glue Not Required

To touch on my last post a bit more...

I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.

Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.

Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"

See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?

Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.

You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.