Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Just Words

I used to think people who claimed depression or anxiety were just looking for some kind of attention.

Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".

Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.

Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.

Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.

I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.

"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"

"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"

"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"

"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"

Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.

Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!

Lessons in Expecting

I have been trying to read the Four Agreements for months. Occasionally things happen in my life that make me hyper aware that I need to make some very big changes in my life. 

No location or job change or anything like that. But with the way I process things and the way I handle disappointment and situations that are just in general less than ideal. 

Lately one of the “agreements” from the book that has been popping into my head is the one about not taking things personally. It’s kind of an “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. And quite honestly it has nothing to do with you! It really should be a reflection of that person. 

I expect a lot. I don’t mean I have high expectations. I just often expect things to go a certain way and when they don’t I definitely handle it poorly. I am never prepared for the let down because I honestly work myself into believing there won’t be one. Spoiler: there’s always a let down in expectation. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. Someone like myself who has had constant disappointments should really be used to this and know how to handle things better. I haven’t learned that yet. With each disappointment has come a sliver of a lesson though. Just a tiny sparkle of it. 

Now to circle back around to the beginning statements about not taking things personally. I take disappointment very personally. I take let downs right into my soul and I am constantly having to pick myself back up after it happens. I try not let it make me cold or hardened, but to be honest it’s gettin harder and harder. I’m a pretty negative optimist. Or maybe I’m a positive pessimist? I get my head in the clouds over certain situations and I forget to come back down to earth and check out the reality of it. 

I am going to spend the rest of 2018 learning. Learning how to re-wire my expectations and learn how to essentially expect disappointment. I will probably continue to hope for the best but unless something is in black and white and right in front of my face, I am not going to let it control any emotion or get me buzzed. 

I am going to learn how to not take things so personally. Good and bad. It’s been 7 months of “expectation/disappointment” cycles. Well, let’s be honest.. these cycles have spanned a good portion of my 32 years. 

I want off the merry-go-round. I’m starting to get dizzy. 

Love..... friend or foe?

I really love love.

Watching my friends find these partners in life that they can share all their ups and down with. It is absolutely beautiful and amazing. This weekend I was in yet another wedding. (Always a bridesmaid...) and watching him watch her when she's doing absolutely anything and seeing his face glow.. that's the good stuff. There are so many wonderful men out there that are loving and kind. That are sweet and funny. That are not only good friends of mine but are taking care of the hearts of good women in my life!

But you know what? I am really okay being single. I'm not sought after. I don't have a ton of dudes breaking down my door or blowing up my phone. I get ghosted on a lot. Guys just stop talking to me out of the blue. And when I actually do get hit on ... well. It's not by anyone I would actually want to date. Drunk guys in a bar do not count.

For many years I didn't go much longer than a week without having to find someone to entertain me. Someone to text with, talk to, flirt with... I just needed it. So I always looked for it and pushed for it.I don't need it anymore. I don't want it. I have this massive wall up that keeps me from even looking at a guy like he could be something because honestly, I think most of you are a joke.

Talking to one of my best friends the other day about a new guy she's been seeing. She was GUSHING over this guy. Telling us how great he is. And we were FAWNING and GUSHING right back. You know why?

You won't ever believe this. It is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of a man doing.

He told his friends about her. Yup. That was the big moment we all fell in love with him. Because he put his friends on speaker phone while they were driving and the man said "Oh hey! I've heard a lot about you!" He called her by her nickname that we all adoringly call her and that was that. That was the big event that occurred in my friends life that made me go "Yassss girl he's a good guy!"

Seriously? This is what it's come down to? We've been treated so horribly in our dating lives that someone doing something like that for one of our friends was mind blowing. We expect so much less from all of you. Are you aware that this is how you are supposed to treat another human? You are supposed to make that person known. You aren't supposed to keep people a secret... yet it happens all the time. And we as women put up with it! We do.

"Oh but he's so sweet when it's just us!"

Why? Cause he told you that you looked pretty? Because he held your hand watching a movie? Because he complimented you on your cooking? We are settling for this bare minimum bullshit. I used to tell every single guy I was interested in (after they continuously didn't give me flowers for every single occasion) that i didn't even like flowers. After they refused to actually commit I would make sure they knew how chill I was by expressing how little I cared about commitment. I was just the fun girl looking for the fun fling and no strings. Because why would I want to tell you that actually I am worthy as a human to be dated, courted, taken out.. I love flowers on any given day. I want to get married. I want your friends to know I exist.

So many of us are letting these dudes get away with relationship murder. Well.. I can't even call it a relationship. Since really no one even knows what that means anymore. Everyone has these awkward in-betweens.
"Oh we're just talking"
"We just text a lot.. and have great conversation"
"He basically just comes over after the sun goes down, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like in the day light!"
"I've never met any of his friends. It's cool though, we're just hanging out. In doors. At my house. On Fridays. After 2am".
"He's just so busy.. and I don't even want a relationship"

PLEASE.

I do want a relationship. Some day. Right now? I'm still sick to death of men and their bullshit. I'm sure I have bullshit, too. In fact I know I do. I have a real bad habit of going to bed at 7pm because I get up at 4 so I can come to terms with the fact that I have to go be social with other humans and work for sometimes 11 hours. I would rather paint or sit on my couch than put effort into anything that's going to fall short of my newly found expectations. I don't want to ever be excited about a dude because HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME. That's dumb. You know why? Because that's common courtesy and human nature. And that is NOT something to be excited about.

You fellas have gotten away with a lot of shady behavior when it's come to being in my life and the life of other really remarkable women.

This is why we get life coaches and strategize for how to better ourselves. This is why we educate ourselves and surround ourselves with our hobbies and our friends. This is why so many of us are bitter and shut off and down right cold-hearted.

Because somehow, somewhere... chivalry died so hard that not even decency is a thing anymore


(Note: This can easily be reversed from a man's perspective to the shitty women he's witnessed in life. We're not angels. This is just my view on it.." 

Quick Thoughts

I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts  were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.

Let's clear some things up. Here and now

1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.

2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.

3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.

4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.

5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.

6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.

Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.

5 Stars!

Every time a relationship ends I feel horrible. Another failed relationship under my belt! And I don't exactly look inside myself to find out why...No. I just blame the other person. When in reality the other people were never really that horrible. To me..for what I want and for what i deserve? Yah. Horrible. But in general I've dated the average guy who really gave me exactly what I expected from them because of how little I value myself. I allowed every single bit of the treatment. When in reality about a month into any of these relationships I should have ran. Some in fact...should have made me run before I even got wrapped up in them. I should have "read the reviews". 

I am a pretty smart shopper. I hardly buy a product in a store without knowing everything about it. I read through all the bad reviews and see the general consensus before I even think about making a purchase. I skim the good. In fact I hardly read the good. Because the good isn't what's helpful. Sure I love to know when 3000 people out of 4500 loved a book or a coffee maker. But the truth lies in those 1500 who weren't satisfied. With those kind of odds I'm betting I'll enjoy it, get a lot of use out of it, and maybe even love it. The problem is, there's no dating review site for men and women to join. A site where we all can look up our potential partners and read what their exes thought of them

Well Brad here got a 4.5 out of 5 stars! He was a great boyfriend to 25 women! 4 thought he was a tool but hey I like those odds! Oh and Mark only got a 1.5 out of 5. Wow. Those 27 women were really irritated by his lack of commitment but 2 souls out there thought he was just the keenest. 

This doesn't exist. We can't do this. And it would honestly be super creepy to write a review about an ex. "Well Mike was nice at first until I sobered up and realized he was a complete loser with 2 children he's hardly taking care of and I'm pretty sure he's lying about his job. Oh and my friends are certain he's a meth head" (actual review of a guy I dated once upon a time). 

But if I could just read the signs like I read reviews I'd be light years ahead of myself. I'd probably be with the guy who called first, texted back, traveled with me, cooked me dinner, made me coffee, loved my mom, joked around with my dad, and the guy that my brothers absolutely adored. The signs lie in our stomachs. Those pings and tings...the butterflies, the flips. This thought all came about because one of my best friends told me recently that she waits until all of those rose colored glasses are cleared up, the buzz, the excitement...and then she makes a decision about a guy. Whether or not he's actually good enough for her or if it was just the honeymoon phase that made her think it so. These are like our internal reviews. Our hearts and stomachs are giving these guys a 5 of 5. However, our brains are giving the realness. The bad reviews. 

I am too busy living in the land of rose colored butterflies that flip and ting to realize that someone isn't good enough for me. Because that feeling..that heightened happiness we all should feel has blurred my meter. It's made me ignore the stuff that bugs the shit out of me. The stuff that my (somewhat) logical brain is feeding me is where the real truth is. Always always read and consider the bad reviews before making a final decision. 

The glasses (and gloves) are off. 

Why It Sucks To Be In Love with Love.. (But not yourself..)

Every time I fall in love I think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.

Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to continue for far too long.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I love to make them feel special and cared for."  And then I stopped. That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard. Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for 10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.." So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a really good head on my shoulders"?

And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her the absolute best way they could?

The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
 
 I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those 10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently. 

Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for. 

But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5. 
 

A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally. 

Chase Your Love

I've moved for love before. I moved to Wyoming because of what I thought was love. It was my idea (at the time) of what love is. Basically I moved because I was dependent on that person to make me happy and I've always hated that I moved for a boy.

I've always thought people were absolutely ridiculous for doing the same. Don't do it. That was my mantra. Don't ever move for a guy. Or for love. Or for anything that isn't 100% selfish. Ha.

Okay so fast forward to this morning when I read this article titled: "Staying Is Settling". The article basically outlines different reasons to move. And why we should move often. I have always been a big fan of the moving, the changing, and the different experiences that can come from a move or change.

However, #3 kind of threw me for a loop because it goes against everything I believe when it comes to moving and love.

I've also never looked at love as being the ultimate destination because let's be honest: I am a scrooge, grinch, grump, and just all out against love. Well, I have been in the past. A lot about this journey I am currently on has been discovering different ways to love. Without reservation, without dependency, and with full trust. Willing to fall and not be caught. That's what I'm learning. I can fall... or I can stay still. I've never liked to stay in one place so I am teaching myself to be more willing to fall.

The first line in this particular section of this particular article says this: To chase love is to chase happinesses. I agree that self-love equals happiness. I'll never disagree with that. This sentence held a little more meaning to me though. I took from it that chasing love, whether it's self love or the love of another, is what makes humans happy. Because after all, love is one of our most basic instincts. This was solidified by another line further down: If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.

I loved the point behind this even though I am still up in the air for my feelings on love. I moved to Wyoming for what I thought was love and/or happiness. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But it was an experience regardless of what it actually was or wasn't.

Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. 

Now I'm not saying I would move for love again in a heart beat. No, I'm not saying that at all especially since I have found something quite special here in NC. And that's nothing more than a relationship I have established with myself! However, I am less inclined to find someone to be a total nut job if it's something that they want to do.

Chase your love. Whatever your love is. Make sure you're going after it. And make sure that whatever experience comes from it is worth it for the greater good.

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This

I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.

Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.

I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.

Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.

I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.

Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.

And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!

Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon

I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am. 

I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.

I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well. 

See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).

Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.

I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.

You're welcome.

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

A New Beginning.. Again

You're all about to go on another adventure with me.

No, I'm not moving again.

I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.

Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!

Soon to be an after! 

Change of Plans

A couple of months ago I had plans for this weekend. Plans that would have determined a lot of different things about my life. If these plans were still in effect as they were a few months ago, the dinner I had with girls from work last night wouldn't have happened. There are other things and people that currently exist in my life that wouldn't exist had these plans not fallen through as well.

I say fallen through as if things just kind of didn't work out. Which they didn't, obviously, but not just circumstance... Anyway.

It's funny... this weekend could have been substantially different than the weekend I am living currently. So even though Thursday isn't technically the weekend it still counts as something that would have never happened. I got to finally see the city. The actual city. It was amazing. My tour guide was hilarious and took me to a lot of vastly different places. From one of the more ghetto areas to an extremely ritzy area. Through uptown and then through NoDa. NoDa is full of hipsters and I found myself strangely drawn to it! There is a lot more to see, I'm sure, and I'm looking forward to checking more of it out eventually.

And then Last night I laughed with girlfriends. I haven't laughed with girlfriends since I left Montana. We told stories and made jokes and just in general got to know each other outside of work. There was very little work talk and really we just talked about our lives and future plans and how we got to where we are today. It was awesome and I think I could really fall into wonderful friendships with these girls. Very happy with where I am in that regard. And then today I finally made it out to Kitty City in Concord. I fell in love with an unexpected little fella. He's white and grey and his name is Thor. I will be changing that name immediately to Kevin. Immediately.

I was going to go around town and do a few more things but upon leaving Kitty City I realized I was absolutely covered in cat hair and while I am not afraid of 'cat lady status', I cannot wear it like a badge of honor because honestly it just looks ridiculous. So I came home and all of these thoughts occurred to me so here I am writing them out for everyone back home to see. That really is the point of all of this. To keep everyone updated.

I'm eating and preying and loving this entire situation and had the plans that fell through not fallen through this weekend... I would be in a substantially different place in my life right now. I am so glad that whatever it was ended because something better has definitely pulled together in my life to show me how absolutely grateful I should be to be who I am.

I left behind all of my friends and all of my family to go on an adventure and while I am absolutely missing every single one of them right now, I assure you all that I couldn't be happier in this current situation.

Early Morning Early Warning

My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"

I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.

One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!

2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!

I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.

So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.

Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.

Friendship Date (A day late!)

Friendship day was yesterday (August 3rd). I missed it! Fortunately I talked to a few of my good friends back home. Life has actually kept on going since I left. I'm surprised you're all functioning so well without me. I know how hard it was for everyone to say goodbye to me. I was like the glue that held that little town together so I'm glad to see that I left a residue... :)

So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.

So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.

"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."

"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."

"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."

"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."

"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."

And Lastly:

"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."

Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.

My friends are irreplaceable.

Back to the Basics

Trying to think of things to write lately has been difficult. I have thoughts and opinions but I have become more worried lately about what people are going to think about my thoughts and opinions. I have recently stopped writing for myself and have started writing for whoever is reading. That's terrible and that's not at all how a real writer should be. I'm not going to impress everyone and I'm definitely not going to make or break relationships by keeping everything rated G or letting everything fluctuate into an R rating. I started this because I do have a voice and I do have my own shit going on. I'm on the adventure of a lifetime!

I've also found that I'm losing my writing style. I'm trying to compare myself to writers on other blogs and I'm finding that it's actually killing my own thought process. I don't need to use every $5 word in the book in order to get my point across. I like things black or white. I like not having a gray area. I like knowing and not being kept in the dark or lead on.. so why am I treating my potential readers the same way? I need to get back the point of this whole thing and that was to keep friends and family in touch with what it is I have been up to.

So let's get back to the basics by saying things have been happening lately and I believe them to be good things. I am trying to throw off my old habits by not actually putting all my eggs in one basket but luckily, because of my past experiences.. I have learned that slow and steady wins the race. So I'm going to actually just leave that as is because I don't know what else to say at this point. It could be good. I'm hoping it's good but won't be destroyed if it's not good. It's life.

I recently joined back up with the rest of the world and hooked up cable and internet. I have spent a total of 2 minutes watching TV (mostly to check and make sure I have AMC) and the rest of the time has been spent with my new boyfriend: Netflix. Well not new, we've actually been in a relationship for a lot of years. Back when DVDs and streaming came hand in hand. We took a break from each other but our relationship is still firm. That's what love is -- I think. Clearly, I'm an expert.

Today is going to be (well it's supposed to be) a productive day if I could peel myself away from the Roku and get in the damn shower. I have to pay rent, get an oil change, join the gym and clean my apartment.

Maybe it's not a full day, but Netflix and I have plans later.

Hey Ya'll. Have a good one!

My goodness! That's about all I can say about today!

I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.

Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.

So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.

I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.

This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.