Just More Rambling

So much of my days consist of me trying to figure out my own brain. That and I have to also do my job, keep my cat alive, keep up with my family and friends, keep my apartment looking like an adult lives in it, finish paintings, start paintings, and remember to feed myself. Oh and drink water. 

Lately though my attention has been very focused and drilled in on (some would call it hyper-focused) the fact that I am ADHD. I don’t have ADHD and I don’t suffer from ADHD. I just am. I was also diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Odds are the last two are a result of not being diagnosed with ADHD until the 11th hour. 

Anyway! Some of the things that I’ve learned about this new situation is that my lack of emotional control, emotional manipulation, need for constant attention, missing self esteem, staunch fear of rejection and people leaving or “abandoning me” are all a direct result of ADHD. Well maybe not all, but because I have a differently wired brain I am less likely to know the appropriate ways to respond to things. 

I have a tendency to be passive aggressive. I get bothered by tiny cues and vibes I think I am feeling off someone and I don’t think before I react and speak and I end up sounding like a child. Things I think are going to come off playful and funny end up turning into a form of emotional manipulation to try and make someone feel bad for not reacting in the way I found it to be appropriate. This is a harmful reaction. This is where I run the risk of actually pushing important people away. I’ve always dealt with my assumptions of hurt with humor. 

Just ask my dad! It was funny when I was younger to threaten to go back to therapy if he didn’t do what I asked of him. Now, I’m 33 and it’s just flat manipulative. 

I do the same thing in most other relationships in my life when things aren’t going according to my assumed plan. “I’ll say this.. they’ll say this.. and THEN I’ll be happy”. What actually happens is I’ll say _________ then they don’t respond in the way I imagined and I react to the hurt so I try to hurt right back. Emotionally. Rarely does this work in my favor. Mostly I end up looking like a lot of work. 

What is actually a lot of work is thinking before I speak. When I started down the path of the supposed ADHD diagnoses I was mostly concerned with my lack of focus and memory. I can’t find anything and I get explosively frustrated because of it. I forget to do tasks at work all the time and I beat myself up for it for days. All of a sudden though this whole world opened up to me. A world of living with a brain that misfires from time to time. I am not going to sit here and say my irrational overreacting is entirely ADHD... although odds are a very large portion of my tendencies is due to that very thing. 

I do not want to rely on this diagnosis as an explanation for everything I do and say and just rest there. I am happy to see that I’m not just crazy and emotionally imbalanced.. I just am actively focused on not letting it rule my every whim. 

I am trying. 

Not such a shocking diagnosis though...

My Brain is so jumbled.

All the time. Constantly pinging between thoughts. I forget easy words and misplace my debit card more than any human should. I struggle with self-acceptance to the point where I have turned every person in my life into some kind of a demon who can turn against me at any moment. All in my mind of course! I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love or the friendships I have been given. As a matter of fact, I bounce between friendship struggles from time to time. Always feeling like I’m being picked over. Not good enough. Probably annoying to this person or that person. I am certain 76% of the people in my life see me as a child. I can’t prove that they think this. Only that I get a vibe from everyone…

The vibe I’m referring to is the one that sinks deep into my chest. A feeling of a physical rock chilling somewhere near my breastbone. It’s a hard thing to describe. It’s both an empty space and a dull ache. Like a rock shaped hollow. Like a geode. So at least it’s pretty…

I have never had a normal intimate relationship because of this. I’ve spent most relationships assuming I’m not good enough anyway and they will eventually just leave. I used to think this was because of things that happened when I was younger. I always blamed outwardly on this one.

The classic “my parents got divorced so everyone leaves” mentality left me basically deciding that eventually every guy will see I am not worth any(more) time or effort and ditch out. I constantly hold on tight to people for fear they’ll just bust out. Leave. Ghost. Disappear. Cease to exist. I try to play it cool. Like I’m the calm cool and collected type. Please. I am constantly panicked. My heart always racing and my head swimming. Thoughts of abandonment which quickly turn to the self-blame and hatred.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since January. She is a doll. To say the least. She has made me so much more self-aware it’s almost uncanny. I can see my exact train of though rolling through like it’s on schedule. “Right on time! Here comes the bullshit... Choo-Choo”. During a few of the sessions she mentioned the letters ADHD to me. The first time she mentioned it I was denying it through damn near gritted teeth. “No, not a chance. That was never in my childhood and that isn’t me… Nope”. The second time she brought it up it was brief, and we didn’t even really discuss it being “me”. Mostly just used in context of … honestly, I can’t even remember now. But it wasn’t me.

The 3^rd time, as they say, was the charm though. I don’t remember what we were talking about when she brought it up this most recent time, but I do remember it felt like someone was tapping me in the center of the forehead. She suggested I kick the caffeine for a few days and see how I feel. I almost sought out a different therapist with that thought alone. NO COFFEE?! How ... in the actual… Alright well I tried it. For roughly 5 hours… I know I need the flavor of coffee at the very least, so I switched to decaf to compromise with myself (honestly, I was trying to trick myself and it was so beyond hopeless.)

I’m not sure you can even call what happened at work that day actually “work”. It was more like I was temporarily transformed into Derek Zoolander dressed like a monkey trying to get the files off the brightly colored Mac computer. I couldn’t even think straight. I can’t even recall all the details but around noon I was over feeling like a zombie and I gave in to the sweet sweet caffeine in the breakroom. And maybe placebo effect is to blame but I felt instant satisfaction and my brain re-focused and I was able to stumble through the last few hours of the day. It was really at that moment though I decided this ADHD thing might be holding some water. I never really realized how much I lacked focus at work. Mind you, a few reviews/conversations with my boss led to me writing every. single. thing. down that she assigned to me. I have lists to complete lists to complete tasks to complete processes to set reminders to create a list.

I cannot function without a good list. Everything gets written down. If it’s even the least bit important I jot it down.

So, I knew I needed to get an actual evaluation before I could really get things in motion. Real frustrating and long story short on this part… I found a psychiatrist that specializes in mood disorders and learned just last night that combined type ADHD is my God given right. Or mood disorder. Or whatever. In finding this out I’ve learned that there are a lot of things (see all the above) that have basically been controlled by my mis-wired brain. I’m not going to say my brain is bad… or that it is wrong… but it’s just wired differently. There are all these things that are related to it… Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Emotional Dysregulation, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, etc. (Look at all those ‘dys’!)

Now all I can do is hope the treatment plan is at least on the right path to some normalcy. I sincerely hope people in my life know that I’m going to try not to use this as a crutch, but I do want you all to know (those who have stuck by and those who have taken steps back) I am working on something that is bigger than me. I just really need you all to be in my corner about this if I do start crutching. There will be some things that come up in my day to day that are part of the ADHD. My insecurities aren’t going to just go away. My need to hold on to people tightly isn’t going to dip lightly either. Would’ve been a lot cooler to have a handle on this sooner!

Standby though, ya’ll.

I fully plan on learning all I can about this disorder and doing what I can to make it my bitch.

Danny DeVito

I have decided to make a shift in my life lately and I can really feel it these last few days. I have been spending more time listening to my thoughts and less time reacting to them. This is something I’ve dove into over the last week or so called Observing the Ego. The ego is something we develop as children that speaks to us in our own voices yet the words aren’t really ours. They’re the words of our experiences. They’re the words from our parent’s actions. They are a collection of bullshit… mostly.

Most people have this voice… most people have an ego. Well really… every single one of us has this. It’s just the reaction to it that gives us all a different sort of take on life. My ego is a jerk. It’s constantly on me about several different things. One of the most prominent is whenever any kind of relationship is existing with the opposite sex. Recently though I’ve been really observing the things my ego has been telling me about a few of the other relationships I have in my life.

The scary part about the ego is it acts like it’s you. It sounds like you! It’s taking your past experiences and using them as evidence to support their claims and it’s convincing you of all of the things you fear the most. Abandonment, worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness… 

I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I’ve been in. Whether they cheated physically, emotionally, or just didn’t want to ‘commit’ to one person.. I was never the center of the relationship. Not that I have to be the center but I wasn’t even like.. adjusted slightly to the left. I was just kind of there to pass the time until someone better came along. Or so it felt. And that’s what my ego always tells me now. “There will be someone better than you coming along. Just wait. You’ll see the signs very clearly! It’s the same every single time. Just make sure you are stricken with as much anxiety as possible, become very needy and clingy, and drive the point home that you’re definitely not the right one for them early so you can just get over the hurt that is inevitable. You aren’t worth someone sticking around. Remember that time your dad moved? And don’t forget every guy that has ghosted you.. And always remember that the first guy you said ‘I love you’ to left you for another woman. All of these examples build up into the conclusion that You Are Not Good Enough. Take every action someone else makes as a personal attack because they would literally never do these same things to anyone else. Ever. It’s just you!”

I take a lot of things personally because my Ego tells me to. Those of you that are fortunate enough to not have a constant barrage of negativity coming your way are gifted with something called Confidence. Confidence is that totally attainable possibility that some are just magically born with. Some of you have been instilled with this mythical beast since you were babies. So this whole post probably makes zero sense to you. You have already learned to observe and not react to what your ego is telling you so the voice is probably so tiny and small you don’t even hear it anymore. 

I am actively working on observing mine currently. As I’m writing this it’s telling me “Don’t post that… someone will read this and surely think you’re crazy. Do you really think your view on this is at all accurate/informative? You have a lot of nerve thinking that you are at all an expert on something you just started looking into. If you keep sharing this much information about your inner thoughts people are definitely going to walk away from you. You are going to lose friends over this because they’re going to think you’re absolutely nuts! Good luck ever finding someone to love you… you are a f*cking loon!”

And much like how I view Danny DeVito.. I’m going to overlook the advice and post this shit anyway.

(Get it? Cause he’s short.. and I am not. It’s hilarious.)

Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Self Eval for 2018

And now in true “I talk too much and overshare my life” fashion.. I’ll try to sum up the worst best year of my life.

2018... you brought me so much. New friends, clarity, happiness, sadness, anxiety, hypothyroidism, depression, hangovers, laughter, new music, new movies, new inside jokes, strengthened friendships, weakened friendships..

I’m ending this year with a combination of a full heart that’s heavy. I made poor choices and turned myself into a monster. My self esteem hit all time lows and brought about a lot of self evaluation and fears. I lost sleep because of anxiety attacks and I woke up plenty of mornings in sheer panic. My happiness relying on white claws and my Sunday hangover depression floating into Monday’s and Tuesday’s depression.

Today I made a choice.  I cannot live in this fog anymore. I am far from the face of depression. It is downright shocking how many people have to find some extra help to make it through.

This post isn’t meant for you to shower me with “you’re so great.. we love you” kind of affections.

It’s more like Hey, friends... my life is a foggy mess and I want to throw out an I’m sorry and I love you to everyone...

But most importantly to myself!

New Year New Antidepressant. 💕

Just Words

I used to think people who claimed depression or anxiety were just looking for some kind of attention.

Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".

Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.

Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.

Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.

I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.

"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"

"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"

"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"

"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"

Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.

Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!

Ready Set... Nope

Listen, online dating sucks. I don’t care if you’ve been successful.. you know it sucks. It is 100%  the worst way to meet people.

First you have to meet their internet persona and figure out if you even like that part of them enough to like move onto the whole meeting in person thing. I haven’t made it to that part yet…

Well, I actually did briefly and then he essentially was completely full of shit and thank goodness because really hindsight.. I dodged a big giant hot mess of a bullet.

You see, I started out with stars and hearts in my eyes and full trust. I mean why wouldn’t the first guy I talked to on a dating site be like ‘The’ Guy. I am a pretty great person.. so why wouldn’t it be THAT easy for me? It wasn’t. It wasn’t that easy at all. And it’s continuing to not be the slightest bit easy. You really to have to weed through some weirdos, assholes, dummies, pretty boys, quiet guys, creeps, pick me guys, liars… so on. I even had someone ask me if I could get them weed. I can’t make this up.

Anyway.. It’s not often I come to the realization that I am essentially better than anyone. I mean I know I am. It’s human nature. We’re all actually better than someone. There really isn’t like one person who is actually just at the very bottom of people. Well, I mean there is.. but I don’t want to make this a political post so I’ll just move on. But a simple fact about me is that through all of my bullshit… I at the very least have my shit somewhat together. Sure I am certainly a jerk 45% of my life, I am picky and super bossy sometimes and I really don’t like people when I’m not in the mood for people. However, I have a solid job, I am pretty attractive, I am hilarious, I am one hell of a writer (Case in Point)… and you know how I know all of this with pure confidence? I surround myself by some of the best people. People that I know wouldn’t be around if I wasn’t as actually great as I am. Have you met my friends? They’re all insanely amazing.

So why am I even having to go online to date? Or to try and date.. or to find someone who would be suitable to date?

Because I live in a town of 5,000 people.. and I am pretty sure I’ve exhausted my efforts in my fair town. And I’m actually not really market ready if I’m being totally honest with myself. I really need to get into shape again, I should probably do my dishes more than once a week, I absolutely could stand to wash my car for the 3^rd time in the 10 years I’ve owned it, I maybe could not drink to the point of a blackout 3-4 times a month (which I know doesn’t sound terrible but I only drink on the weekends.. so), I should also maybe try a hobby that isn’t blacking out, binge watching Real Housewives of Everywhere, or seeing how quickly I can actually devour a bag of Smartfood popcorn…

I think online dating is actually only the worst when you’re not actually ready for what you’re about to encounter. I am getting so frustrated with the bullshit on there. But this little diary like realization post here just kind of opened my eyes to what the real issue is.

I am totally and completely and 100% not ready to even be considering dating. The first guy I attracted into my realm lied through his teeth probably 90% of the time we were talking, the next was a kid who I think wants to actually wear me as a skin suit, and lastly we have Mr Pick Me who has spent a majority of our conversations trying to prove to me that he’s great. I don’t need you to write out proof, bro.. I can usually tell within the first paragraph about your Roth IRAs that you’re probably not that great. 

OH and let’s not forget the guy who literally asked me for bud..  I quit.

Lessons in Expecting

I have been trying to read the Four Agreements for months. Occasionally things happen in my life that make me hyper aware that I need to make some very big changes in my life. 

No location or job change or anything like that. But with the way I process things and the way I handle disappointment and situations that are just in general less than ideal. 

Lately one of the “agreements” from the book that has been popping into my head is the one about not taking things personally. It’s kind of an “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. And quite honestly it has nothing to do with you! It really should be a reflection of that person. 

I expect a lot. I don’t mean I have high expectations. I just often expect things to go a certain way and when they don’t I definitely handle it poorly. I am never prepared for the let down because I honestly work myself into believing there won’t be one. Spoiler: there’s always a let down in expectation. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. Someone like myself who has had constant disappointments should really be used to this and know how to handle things better. I haven’t learned that yet. With each disappointment has come a sliver of a lesson though. Just a tiny sparkle of it. 

Now to circle back around to the beginning statements about not taking things personally. I take disappointment very personally. I take let downs right into my soul and I am constantly having to pick myself back up after it happens. I try not let it make me cold or hardened, but to be honest it’s gettin harder and harder. I’m a pretty negative optimist. Or maybe I’m a positive pessimist? I get my head in the clouds over certain situations and I forget to come back down to earth and check out the reality of it. 

I am going to spend the rest of 2018 learning. Learning how to re-wire my expectations and learn how to essentially expect disappointment. I will probably continue to hope for the best but unless something is in black and white and right in front of my face, I am not going to let it control any emotion or get me buzzed. 

I am going to learn how to not take things so personally. Good and bad. It’s been 7 months of “expectation/disappointment” cycles. Well, let’s be honest.. these cycles have spanned a good portion of my 32 years. 

I want off the merry-go-round. I’m starting to get dizzy. 

One of Those Open Letters

Dear Nice Guys, 

You always have so many opinions and ideas about the women, ahem, excuse me... the “girls” (as you call us) who just aren’t that into you. We're not refusing to give you a chance because you're a nice guy. If you really think that, then you're not really a nice guy.

You assume we prefer the jerks that ignore us. Or the assholes that cheat on us. Or the pricks that torture us with half truths and empty promises. 

You assume that we love being treated like garbage and we just don’t have the mental capacity to handle a nice guy. A guy with his life together and a guy with all the things we are just craving on a silver platter.

Come closer. I need you to really hear what I’m about to say...

What if.. we don’t have anything actually in common? What if we don’t actually enjoy your company? Your personality? Your doting on our whims? Maybe you have a horrible sense of humor and we just can’t get with it. Maybe.. just maybe we don’t find you attractive. 

Is there a such thing as Too Nice? You’re damn right there is. 

Too nice is terrifying. You want to know everything about us on the first date but we are still trying to figure out who the hell we are. You’re really into us and that’s awesome but for how long? Our insecurities are running wild and now all of a sudden this “white knight” wants to prove to us they’re nothing like the last guy.

Fun fact, nice guy! The last guy to turn our heads and hearts upside down was JUST AS NICE in the beginning. 

And he turned out to be anything but! He was sweet and attentive. And so much fun. He had the kind eyes and the kind demeanor and he was attractive and great. We had a blast together! And he.. turned out to be anything but a nice guy. He turned out to be cold and mean and a total disappointment. 

So please, tell me why I’m supposed to believe you when you tell me you’re nice and show all this interest in me. What’s different about you? And tell me why I’m supposed to just believe that you’re not like the rest when we just met? You all think that some nice words and showing a little bit of interest will just win you the heart of any female you lay your eyes on. It's not that easy. In 2018 the women of the world have gotten smarter. No, it's not a feminism thing. It's a sick of being toyed with thing. We NEED you less. You don't realize that. We don't NEED a knight in shining armor anymore. We don't need kind words and promises. We don't essentially NEED you at all anymore. 

We have a little more power now and we're a little less 1950's housewife. We actually choose the people in our lives. Not by a need... but by a want. We want you in our lives! If we want you as a friend and not as a significant other then let us have that. You don't get to make all the decisions anymore. We do have some say in who we end up with and most of us are completely content ending up alone because we know now that there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, alone for most of us doesn't mean actually alone.

The women of the world have loved and have tried to be loved! We are no longer looking for someone to fill a void or a gap or to take care of us. We have most of our shit together now and we have lots of love around us. Our friendships are stronger, our connections with our families more firm, and the love we have for ourselves knows no limits. 

We do not need a nice guy with a good job to take care of us. We want our partner in life to be a partner and not our keeper or our caretaker and on the flip we don't want to keep or take care of anyone else either. We want to laugh liberally, travel often, dance in parking lots, make our own money, share experiences and adventures with wonderful people, stay in when it's sunny, or go out into the rain. 

We want to have someone in our lives that can not complete us, but complement us. And we want to in return complement you.

Mindful Ignorance

I quit smoking.

It's been 12 days. That first week was pure hell. My head was in a vice grip and someone was definitely spraying fog directly into my face and my ears were full of cotton. My mouth tasted like I had sucked on pennies every morning when I woke up only to be made worse when I brushed my teeth. Gum did nothing and actually the taste ruined every piece of gum I would chew. Food tasted weird and I basically ate all the food so I can tell you first hand... it all tasted weird.

It was hard to sleep. I had to actually stay in bed in the mornings for fear that the morning habit of 6 cigarettes while playing Angry Birds or Toy Blast would rear it's ugly head and take over my life.

Oh but crying at your desk for 3 days and somehow hiding that from all of the people you work with and managing to get work done is actually quite the treat.

I tried the patch on day 1 but it burned and itched and I just couldn't even. Literally. Could. Not.

I drank so much water during the day that I was up 3 or 4 times a night peeing. Milk was actually the God send. It would get the taste to go away for a few minutes. But it would come back and then my mouth would feel gross from having drank milk. So I was still losing.

Day 6 the fog started clearing! The vice grip was loosening! My mouth still tasted like I stored spare change in it, but things were finally improving.

And then a few days later I tried to think about smoking. About the actual action of it. Nothing. I can't remember a thing. I can't remember holding a cigarette, lighting a cigarette, inhaling.... nothing. I remember nothing about being a smoker. And it is the most shocking and amazing feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.

And I can only assume, because I am well aware that not every person in my life actually believes in me or has my best interests at heart, that people will think I'll have a cigarette in my hand again and fail. Again. Because I've started and stopped a lot of things in my life.

I've started and stopped weight loss programs, guides, goals, destinations.

I've started and stopped television shows and paintings. Hell, I can't even listen to a full song on the damn radio because sometimes I change my mind. Okay, all the time I change my mind. There are a few magical songs in the universe that I will listen to all the way through. Mostly "Hello I love you" by The Doors and "Ashes" by Josh Martinez. To name a few. Oh and "Puppets" and "Trying to Find a Balance" by Atmosphere. Anyway......

I don't finish a whole lot that I start. I am aware of this. I abruptly stop friendships because sometimes it's easier to just walk away from people than it is to say "Hey, I think this friendship isn't working out for me." Because people always demand a reason. And I don't always have one.

I don't have a reason for why I start and stop anything. Sometimes I think I'll enjoy something, realize I don't.. and then I jet. I get uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. And I am pretty in tune with my feelings and emotions and if I'm not feeling something.... I bail.

And 12 days ago at 3:30pm on a Monday afternoon in my dad's temporary front yard.. I bailed on cigarettes. Before I walked outside to do the damn thing my Gma told me "You know Grandpa Dwight quit by saying "This was my last cigarette" at the end of the last cigarette he smoked. And it was. He just quit."

So that's what I did. I said goodbye to an addiction I had for a very long time. I sucked it down to the filter like I often did. But, you know what I noticed? Which was probably true with every other cigarette I smoked... I didn't even pay attention to the act of smoking it. I wasn't even mindfully aware that I was smoking. I was looking at my phone and just inhaling and exhaling. I found that odd. That after so many years of the same habit and the same motion I realized on my very last one that I didn't even pay attention to the damn thing. I loved something I didn't even pay attention to.

Could you imagine? Loving something so much and being so afraid to live without it yet... you never pay it any mind when it's in your hand? Going into your lungs? Making you cough and sound like you definitely have emphysema?

Yet after that moment I realized I do the very same thing with something that actually has treated me well for 31 years of my life. My very own body. I've treated this thing like absolute shit! And I literally could not live without it... and I do love what it has done for me. Yet I was still making so many choices that seriously affected the health of it. I mean, I didn't become overweight by feeding my body a healthy diet and giving it exercise on the regular.

Which brings me to another blog for some other time.

For now I just want to say this: You can doubt me all you want. You can believe that I won't stick to absolutely anything in my life because I never have. But, hear this.... I have never in my life felt more confident or sure of myself than the moment I realized that quitting smoking literally means I can do and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

I believe in myself and I'm not sure I've ever been able to say that and actually mean it.

Love..... friend or foe?

I really love love.

Watching my friends find these partners in life that they can share all their ups and down with. It is absolutely beautiful and amazing. This weekend I was in yet another wedding. (Always a bridesmaid...) and watching him watch her when she's doing absolutely anything and seeing his face glow.. that's the good stuff. There are so many wonderful men out there that are loving and kind. That are sweet and funny. That are not only good friends of mine but are taking care of the hearts of good women in my life!

But you know what? I am really okay being single. I'm not sought after. I don't have a ton of dudes breaking down my door or blowing up my phone. I get ghosted on a lot. Guys just stop talking to me out of the blue. And when I actually do get hit on ... well. It's not by anyone I would actually want to date. Drunk guys in a bar do not count.

For many years I didn't go much longer than a week without having to find someone to entertain me. Someone to text with, talk to, flirt with... I just needed it. So I always looked for it and pushed for it.I don't need it anymore. I don't want it. I have this massive wall up that keeps me from even looking at a guy like he could be something because honestly, I think most of you are a joke.

Talking to one of my best friends the other day about a new guy she's been seeing. She was GUSHING over this guy. Telling us how great he is. And we were FAWNING and GUSHING right back. You know why?

You won't ever believe this. It is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of a man doing.

He told his friends about her. Yup. That was the big moment we all fell in love with him. Because he put his friends on speaker phone while they were driving and the man said "Oh hey! I've heard a lot about you!" He called her by her nickname that we all adoringly call her and that was that. That was the big event that occurred in my friends life that made me go "Yassss girl he's a good guy!"

Seriously? This is what it's come down to? We've been treated so horribly in our dating lives that someone doing something like that for one of our friends was mind blowing. We expect so much less from all of you. Are you aware that this is how you are supposed to treat another human? You are supposed to make that person known. You aren't supposed to keep people a secret... yet it happens all the time. And we as women put up with it! We do.

"Oh but he's so sweet when it's just us!"

Why? Cause he told you that you looked pretty? Because he held your hand watching a movie? Because he complimented you on your cooking? We are settling for this bare minimum bullshit. I used to tell every single guy I was interested in (after they continuously didn't give me flowers for every single occasion) that i didn't even like flowers. After they refused to actually commit I would make sure they knew how chill I was by expressing how little I cared about commitment. I was just the fun girl looking for the fun fling and no strings. Because why would I want to tell you that actually I am worthy as a human to be dated, courted, taken out.. I love flowers on any given day. I want to get married. I want your friends to know I exist.

So many of us are letting these dudes get away with relationship murder. Well.. I can't even call it a relationship. Since really no one even knows what that means anymore. Everyone has these awkward in-betweens.
"Oh we're just talking"
"We just text a lot.. and have great conversation"
"He basically just comes over after the sun goes down, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like in the day light!"
"I've never met any of his friends. It's cool though, we're just hanging out. In doors. At my house. On Fridays. After 2am".
"He's just so busy.. and I don't even want a relationship"

PLEASE.

I do want a relationship. Some day. Right now? I'm still sick to death of men and their bullshit. I'm sure I have bullshit, too. In fact I know I do. I have a real bad habit of going to bed at 7pm because I get up at 4 so I can come to terms with the fact that I have to go be social with other humans and work for sometimes 11 hours. I would rather paint or sit on my couch than put effort into anything that's going to fall short of my newly found expectations. I don't want to ever be excited about a dude because HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME. That's dumb. You know why? Because that's common courtesy and human nature. And that is NOT something to be excited about.

You fellas have gotten away with a lot of shady behavior when it's come to being in my life and the life of other really remarkable women.

This is why we get life coaches and strategize for how to better ourselves. This is why we educate ourselves and surround ourselves with our hobbies and our friends. This is why so many of us are bitter and shut off and down right cold-hearted.

Because somehow, somewhere... chivalry died so hard that not even decency is a thing anymore


(Note: This can easily be reversed from a man's perspective to the shitty women he's witnessed in life. We're not angels. This is just my view on it.." 

The Game Changer 2016

Hi Lisa!
I am one of those 30 year old girls that always ends up on the shitty end of the breakup. I have confidence until I get into a relationship. I've read every "self help" book and listened to every podcast. I get inspired like someone lit a fire under me for a bit...and then I crash. I get so needy in a relationship but yet I pay for everything. Needy emotionally ...but financially sound.

My friend says I don't have enough self worth to really stand my ground and get what I deserve. Yes I have weight to lose and that hinders my self esteem but I know there are a million other wonderful things about me that I need to protect. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I won't end up alone but I'm sick of being walked on. I am so angry with men yet I know really I should be angry with myself for allowing the bad behaviors.
I've listened to every single one of your podcasts and I just absolutely love your view points.
Help? -Katie

I sent this on 6/10/2016. And to say this email changed my life is an understatement. From that day forward I hired Lisa Hayes to tell me how to live my life. I needed it. I needed someone to coach me into adulthood. All of these relationship issues were just the tip of the iceberg. The next few months, every time I talked to Lisa I would end up in tears. Because it wasn't at all about being bad in relationships or the dreaded "being needy" that most women are accused of. I truly disliked myself. Everyone else was placed so much higher than I placed myself.

Reading the above email is hilarious to me now. To be completely and 100% honest I reached out to her hoping I could learn something to fix my most recent failed relationship. Maybe if I changed... I could somehow get him to come back. Throughout the process I kept thinking though "If only HE saw how much I have changed and how better I am." It wasn't until probably the 2nd month I was in this thing with Lisa that everything clicked. What I ended up learning was how much I didn't need or want that relationship or anymore similar relationships to exist again. 

I was finally growing a relationship with myself. I know people don't always struggle with this. This "self love" thing comes so naturally to some so this process of hiring a life coach and having to work on it when I'm 30 is probably a little... kooky to some people. And that's fine. You can definitely have your opinions on it.  I needed this. I didn't know I was okay. Before all of this, I didn't know people could like me just because they liked me. I always thought everyone had an angle. I always felt that if I didn't act a certain way people would leave. Because people have left. And I put it all on me and blamed myself. 

2016 was my best year yet because I finally figured out how to love myself. It's necessary and required. And it's the foundation for all other love. 

For 2017 I resolve...
To build my relationship with myself. 
To continue to take care of myself first. 
To paint as often as possible.
To continue to be happy.

Us

Forward: This wasn't written for anyone but myself and the women and men out there that have gone through enough. Enough. Who don't think they're enough. Who don't hope for enough. This is from us. We've all been through it and if you haven't you either had it all figured out from birth or you're living under a rock.

This is an open letter to the ones who (luckily) got away

Dear you,

You're not special. You're not the first person to come into someone's life and walk out almost just as quickly. We gave you too much power. And even with this letter some might say we're still giving you power. But we're the kind of people who like to remove the weight from our shoulders one word at a time. We tried that with you though didn't we? We tried to get answers out of you, tried to seek out some closure. That didn't work for you though did it? You had already decided to take the"high road" and basically pretend that we never existed.

Luckily your actions(this is where we're giving you power) put some pep in our step. We took it upon ourselves to figure out what was wrong with us. Did you read that? We(the speaking party) were trying to figure out(deduce, hypothesize?) what was wrong(inaccurate, incorrect) with us. Isn't that silly? You're the one with zero backbone yet we found the fault in ourselves. Were we not pretty/handsome enough, did we not wait long enough to respond to your texts, did we cry on your shoulder too much, maybe we held our forks weird, or our laughs were too loud, perhaps we walked with a bit of a limp, or our toes curved oddly?

These are the things running through our heads. "If only I had just..." "Maybe I should have.." "I definitely shouldn't have.."

Don't we sound dumb? Clearly needy and probably absolutely crazy.

The only thing that is really the matter with us ...was you. You were so great in the beginning. They always are after all. Kind, filling our heads full of nice words and hope. Things that those of us lacking self love are missing in our lives. We're so busy tearing ourselves down we find someone with a couple of cute .50 words and we lose our minds! So afraid to speak our minds to you for fear you'll leave us! And what will we do without you?

Well some of us find someone new immediately. Ahhh yes. That rebound. The next one with the cute words and the sweet hope and all the stuff.

And the rest of us finally say through heavy sobs and alligator tears "What the f*ck is actually wrong with me? Why does it always end this way. Where did I go wrong?" And that's when through process and trial and error...we find it. We find the love we've been looking for.(And this is where we take the power back)

Oh it's a cautious fairytale, this love. We have kept a wall up between us and this love for so long it is a hard one to disassemble. But brick by brick...we let down our protection. And this love comes pouring in. Finally someone gets us!! Loves our quirks and our curved toes. Loves our weird eyebrows and the way our smile is crooked when we're tired. Loves that we're big softies and needy as hell. Loves that we cry during sad movie. Loves that we our so passionate about our hobbies that sometimes we ignore life and just do that for a while.

It was us all along. It was always us.

All the love we've been pouring on these exes in our lives, all the attention and energy we dish out to people who aren't capable of dishing it back... it just needed to be redirected back at us. The pain we were feeling from yet another failed relationship was nothing but something inside of us hurting because we still weren't getting it.

We were treating ourselves exactly like you did.

So thank you.

Thank you for not being anything special in our lives. Those of us that needed that final push have finally found the one we want to be with forever.

And it was Us... all along.

Quick Thoughts

I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts  were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.

Let's clear some things up. Here and now

1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.

2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.

3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.

4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.

5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.

6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.

Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.

An Apology of Sorts

To the right one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.

You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.

So I'm not sorry at all.

Score Yourself

My life coach (Lisa) posed a question to me a few weeks ago. She said to me "Katie.. what do you want in a man?"
My response? "Funny.. kind.. honest.. hard working.." She said okay pretty typical, vague, blah response. Lisa then asked me to DIG DEEP. She wanted specifics.

So I thought about it.. and I wrote my specifics. She then asked me to Score myself on these things.

Score myself? On things I want in a man? But ... this isn't about me.. this is about him. Which was clearly wrong. This is not about the hims in the world. It's about the ME. Just me. No one else.

Then she asked me to score myself 3 months ago. And to score the last few men I was in a relationship with. At this point my eyes became wide open to this process. Especially because my score 3 months ago is about 40 points less than it is now and I am not even going to talk about the scores my exes received. Amazing men and while they may have been aligned with Katie from 3 months or hell even 10 years ago... they are not aligned with present day Katie. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean they're bad guys or shitty boyfriends or assholes or anything like that. It simply means that anything more than a friendship just wouldn't be wise. For anyone. Especially me. Which is ultimately the person I have put at the top of my list. For once. Me.

I'm not going to get into details about scoring, my score (new or old), or their scores. (If you are interested I will be posting Lisa's website link and a link to check out her book below)  But what I will tell you is this... This shit is a science! For example, one of the qualities I want in a man is that I need them to enjoy giving and receiving. Love, time, gifts, support.. so on and so forth. When I went to score myself on this one she corrected me, took about 2 points off the score I would have given myself and said "You only scored this high because you are a giver. You give freely. You support, you love, you share your time... however, you are not at all a receiver. You have got to work on that." So that's phase 75 in all of this. Taking the tiny bits of what I want in a man, flipping them around on myself, and working on them. Bit by bit.

This week I am working on being better at receiving, being uncompromisingly and universally honest, and my positive sexual energy. Don't take that last one for what it sounds like. She simply wants me to ditch the hoodies and get into clothing that shows off who I am as a woman. Become a girl. It doesn't mean I have to dive head first into more floral patterns and any amount of skinny jeans. But I need to start celebrating what I've got.

I used to think the best thing about me is that I am staunchly independent. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me, buy me dinner, buy me flowers, take me to the movies, call me pretty, buy me birthday gifts. That's not independence... that's fear. If I say I don't want those things, and I continue to just pay for everything and never speak my mind on the subject then I won't seem needy and scare him away. Scare what way though? Someone I have no business being with?

The next man I date better buy me flowers and coffee, he better take me on dates, he better hold the door and tell me I'm gorgeous, he better spoil me and surprise me. I work hard. I pay my own bills.  And if it scares someone away to know that I want them to pay for dates then they can run far far away. I am a great girl looking for marriage. One day, not now!! I'm not ready for that yet. But one day I want to meet the man of my dreams at an alter in Vegas. Or by the river in Montana. Or on the beach in North Carolina. And if that is scary to the next man I meet then he can move right along. It's scarier for me to keep secrets, hold it all in, hide who I am.. then it is to end up alone.

I deserve amazing things in this life and I'm making them happen. One session at a time!

Here's the Book: Score Your Soulmate 
Here's the Website: Lisa M Hayes

A FairyTale

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had no idea the power she possessed. She absolutely loves to have conversation with anyone and everyone. She is a brilliant communicator whether she's speaking or writing. She is hilarious and smart. She can burn you in such a way it makes you love her for it. She can pick up a paintbrush and some 50 cent paints and create. Period. Whatever it is...she can do it. She always made friends easily. That was never the problem. The problem with this beautiful girl was that she didn't believe any of it. She lost her new friends, she felt like she had to be fake in order to keep people in her life, and she was never quite herself to people she had just met. It was hard for her to accept that people liked her for her. The friendships she had for 20+ years just always seemed to stay no matter what she did so she could handle that. New people? She felt like she had to be a version of herself that suited them and not let people see her weakness.

Falling in love was easy for her. She did it often. Or so she thought. The feelings she craved she forced. She had a very vivid imagination so it was easy for her to make believe that she was living in the fantasy world she saw on TV and read in books. She felt like the knot in her gut and the daily crying were just part of what love was. "This is butterflies!" she thought to herself. And soon they were. Not knowing that her intuition was yelling at her. Subtly at first and then it grew louder and louder until she broke. The relationship would crumble and the girl would move on to the next one. Never once did she address the knot in her stomach. She just let it grow.

One day, the girl met a boy. This boy was special. He had so many interesting things about him she figured this must be the one. The one that would be the everlasting love she's been looking for. He wasn't much of a talker but that was okay to the girl. He was attractive and funny. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with this boy that hardly spoke. She spoke enough for the both of them, she thought. The knot returned. The tears flowed like water. "Yay love! Just what I've been looking for!" Then it all came crashing down. The boy wasn't really interested in anything serious with the girl. He really enjoyed their friendship and cared about her a lot but he just wasn't ready for anything set in stone. All the girl heard was "I care about you" and continued on blindly. Finally it became obvious to the girl that the boy was slipping away from her. "He can't leave.." she thought "I need him." And just like that... he was gone. The girl was left empty again.

But this time it was different. "Why can't anyone love me? Why won't anyone just stay? I'm not loveable. I'm not good enough." She called into work. She couldn't even muster the courage to get out of bed. She couldn't face the day knowing that she had yet another failed relationship under her belt. Oh man and everyone that was so happy for her? So what now she has to explain it to all of them? Let them down? She was let down yet again by an evil boy. She was angry with the boy. This was all his fault. He could have just loved her and made her life so much easier.

Now, this whole time, the girl had a friend telling her all kinds of things she didn't think she needed to listen to. Like how she needed to take a break from guys and work on herself! The girl couldn't believe that. Why did she need to work on herself when as soon as she found someone to love her she would feel whole and good and right? This friend isn't an ordinary friend though. This friend is special. She's like a fairy Godfriend...which is like a fairy Godmother but she's not an old woman with silver hair and a wand. She's a wonderfully brilliant woman that always tried to build the girl up. Show her what was amazing about her. Of course the girl never believed her. She figured her friend was only saying these things because they were friends and she was saying them out of obligation.

Until one day, the girl had a conversation with someone who didn't know her. This woman seemed to dissect the girl bit by bit. She told the girl all the really great things about her that the girl tended to ignore or just couldn't see. She gave the girl the tools she would need and should be using in order to love herself. "Love myself?" the girl thought. It was a foreign concept. The girl had spent 30 years of her life thinking that someone needed to love her and then her life would be set and didn't ever in a million years imagine that if that someone loving her WAS her that everything would change. So she said "What the hell!" and decided to give it a go.

First, the woman told her she was not allowed to date during this process... Which was easy for the girl because she had already made up her mind that men were scum and she was mad at all of them for treating her so horribly.

Second, the woman wanted the girl to speak to herself lovingly and sweetly. No more harsh words and no more putting herself down.

So she began..

"Love myself. I love myself. I feel stupid. I LOVE myself. I love MYSELF. I am an idiot."

But the more she worked on it... the more she believed.

Then, the woman wanted her to really look back at her past relationships. What were the commonalities? What happened over and over? And what could be learned from each of them? As the girl wrote, the tears flowed. The pain that was coming up from a relationship that crashed and burned almost 10 years ago was enough to make her shut her journal and just cry. She couldn't believe it. When that relationship ended the girl didn't feel a thing and now all of a sudden she was working through some serious anger and pain and emotion. By the time the girl opened her journal again and got to the last two relationships she was fired up! She was angry with every stroke of her pen. Everything that hurt, everything that made her angry, everything! The girl could see in every word she wrote how little she valued herself. How much she hated herself. How the lack of love she had for herself shaped every relationship she's been in.

The girl had found it. She found the love for herself. She found her heart and her soul and what she was craving and missing. And that wasn't love from her mom, her dad, her friends, a man...


She found the most pure and true love that could ever exist. She was finally in love with herself.

And she lived happily ever after.

(You might be thinking that ending was rather abrupt.. is it that easy? Fall in love with yourself and the rest of your story will be happily ever after? Well, I am here to tell you... it is that f*cking easy.)

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!