Mindful Ignorance

I quit smoking.

It's been 12 days. That first week was pure hell. My head was in a vice grip and someone was definitely spraying fog directly into my face and my ears were full of cotton. My mouth tasted like I had sucked on pennies every morning when I woke up only to be made worse when I brushed my teeth. Gum did nothing and actually the taste ruined every piece of gum I would chew. Food tasted weird and I basically ate all the food so I can tell you first hand... it all tasted weird.

It was hard to sleep. I had to actually stay in bed in the mornings for fear that the morning habit of 6 cigarettes while playing Angry Birds or Toy Blast would rear it's ugly head and take over my life.

Oh but crying at your desk for 3 days and somehow hiding that from all of the people you work with and managing to get work done is actually quite the treat.

I tried the patch on day 1 but it burned and itched and I just couldn't even. Literally. Could. Not.

I drank so much water during the day that I was up 3 or 4 times a night peeing. Milk was actually the God send. It would get the taste to go away for a few minutes. But it would come back and then my mouth would feel gross from having drank milk. So I was still losing.

Day 6 the fog started clearing! The vice grip was loosening! My mouth still tasted like I stored spare change in it, but things were finally improving.

And then a few days later I tried to think about smoking. About the actual action of it. Nothing. I can't remember a thing. I can't remember holding a cigarette, lighting a cigarette, inhaling.... nothing. I remember nothing about being a smoker. And it is the most shocking and amazing feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.

And I can only assume, because I am well aware that not every person in my life actually believes in me or has my best interests at heart, that people will think I'll have a cigarette in my hand again and fail. Again. Because I've started and stopped a lot of things in my life.

I've started and stopped weight loss programs, guides, goals, destinations.

I've started and stopped television shows and paintings. Hell, I can't even listen to a full song on the damn radio because sometimes I change my mind. Okay, all the time I change my mind. There are a few magical songs in the universe that I will listen to all the way through. Mostly "Hello I love you" by The Doors and "Ashes" by Josh Martinez. To name a few. Oh and "Puppets" and "Trying to Find a Balance" by Atmosphere. Anyway......

I don't finish a whole lot that I start. I am aware of this. I abruptly stop friendships because sometimes it's easier to just walk away from people than it is to say "Hey, I think this friendship isn't working out for me." Because people always demand a reason. And I don't always have one.

I don't have a reason for why I start and stop anything. Sometimes I think I'll enjoy something, realize I don't.. and then I jet. I get uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. And I am pretty in tune with my feelings and emotions and if I'm not feeling something.... I bail.

And 12 days ago at 3:30pm on a Monday afternoon in my dad's temporary front yard.. I bailed on cigarettes. Before I walked outside to do the damn thing my Gma told me "You know Grandpa Dwight quit by saying "This was my last cigarette" at the end of the last cigarette he smoked. And it was. He just quit."

So that's what I did. I said goodbye to an addiction I had for a very long time. I sucked it down to the filter like I often did. But, you know what I noticed? Which was probably true with every other cigarette I smoked... I didn't even pay attention to the act of smoking it. I wasn't even mindfully aware that I was smoking. I was looking at my phone and just inhaling and exhaling. I found that odd. That after so many years of the same habit and the same motion I realized on my very last one that I didn't even pay attention to the damn thing. I loved something I didn't even pay attention to.

Could you imagine? Loving something so much and being so afraid to live without it yet... you never pay it any mind when it's in your hand? Going into your lungs? Making you cough and sound like you definitely have emphysema?

Yet after that moment I realized I do the very same thing with something that actually has treated me well for 31 years of my life. My very own body. I've treated this thing like absolute shit! And I literally could not live without it... and I do love what it has done for me. Yet I was still making so many choices that seriously affected the health of it. I mean, I didn't become overweight by feeding my body a healthy diet and giving it exercise on the regular.

Which brings me to another blog for some other time.

For now I just want to say this: You can doubt me all you want. You can believe that I won't stick to absolutely anything in my life because I never have. But, hear this.... I have never in my life felt more confident or sure of myself than the moment I realized that quitting smoking literally means I can do and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

I believe in myself and I'm not sure I've ever been able to say that and actually mean it.

Love..... friend or foe?

I really love love.

Watching my friends find these partners in life that they can share all their ups and down with. It is absolutely beautiful and amazing. This weekend I was in yet another wedding. (Always a bridesmaid...) and watching him watch her when she's doing absolutely anything and seeing his face glow.. that's the good stuff. There are so many wonderful men out there that are loving and kind. That are sweet and funny. That are not only good friends of mine but are taking care of the hearts of good women in my life!

But you know what? I am really okay being single. I'm not sought after. I don't have a ton of dudes breaking down my door or blowing up my phone. I get ghosted on a lot. Guys just stop talking to me out of the blue. And when I actually do get hit on ... well. It's not by anyone I would actually want to date. Drunk guys in a bar do not count.

For many years I didn't go much longer than a week without having to find someone to entertain me. Someone to text with, talk to, flirt with... I just needed it. So I always looked for it and pushed for it.I don't need it anymore. I don't want it. I have this massive wall up that keeps me from even looking at a guy like he could be something because honestly, I think most of you are a joke.

Talking to one of my best friends the other day about a new guy she's been seeing. She was GUSHING over this guy. Telling us how great he is. And we were FAWNING and GUSHING right back. You know why?

You won't ever believe this. It is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of a man doing.

He told his friends about her. Yup. That was the big moment we all fell in love with him. Because he put his friends on speaker phone while they were driving and the man said "Oh hey! I've heard a lot about you!" He called her by her nickname that we all adoringly call her and that was that. That was the big event that occurred in my friends life that made me go "Yassss girl he's a good guy!"

Seriously? This is what it's come down to? We've been treated so horribly in our dating lives that someone doing something like that for one of our friends was mind blowing. We expect so much less from all of you. Are you aware that this is how you are supposed to treat another human? You are supposed to make that person known. You aren't supposed to keep people a secret... yet it happens all the time. And we as women put up with it! We do.

"Oh but he's so sweet when it's just us!"

Why? Cause he told you that you looked pretty? Because he held your hand watching a movie? Because he complimented you on your cooking? We are settling for this bare minimum bullshit. I used to tell every single guy I was interested in (after they continuously didn't give me flowers for every single occasion) that i didn't even like flowers. After they refused to actually commit I would make sure they knew how chill I was by expressing how little I cared about commitment. I was just the fun girl looking for the fun fling and no strings. Because why would I want to tell you that actually I am worthy as a human to be dated, courted, taken out.. I love flowers on any given day. I want to get married. I want your friends to know I exist.

So many of us are letting these dudes get away with relationship murder. Well.. I can't even call it a relationship. Since really no one even knows what that means anymore. Everyone has these awkward in-betweens.
"Oh we're just talking"
"We just text a lot.. and have great conversation"
"He basically just comes over after the sun goes down, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like in the day light!"
"I've never met any of his friends. It's cool though, we're just hanging out. In doors. At my house. On Fridays. After 2am".
"He's just so busy.. and I don't even want a relationship"

PLEASE.

I do want a relationship. Some day. Right now? I'm still sick to death of men and their bullshit. I'm sure I have bullshit, too. In fact I know I do. I have a real bad habit of going to bed at 7pm because I get up at 4 so I can come to terms with the fact that I have to go be social with other humans and work for sometimes 11 hours. I would rather paint or sit on my couch than put effort into anything that's going to fall short of my newly found expectations. I don't want to ever be excited about a dude because HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME. That's dumb. You know why? Because that's common courtesy and human nature. And that is NOT something to be excited about.

You fellas have gotten away with a lot of shady behavior when it's come to being in my life and the life of other really remarkable women.

This is why we get life coaches and strategize for how to better ourselves. This is why we educate ourselves and surround ourselves with our hobbies and our friends. This is why so many of us are bitter and shut off and down right cold-hearted.

Because somehow, somewhere... chivalry died so hard that not even decency is a thing anymore


(Note: This can easily be reversed from a man's perspective to the shitty women he's witnessed in life. We're not angels. This is just my view on it.." 

The Game Changer 2016

Hi Lisa!
I am one of those 30 year old girls that always ends up on the shitty end of the breakup. I have confidence until I get into a relationship. I've read every "self help" book and listened to every podcast. I get inspired like someone lit a fire under me for a bit...and then I crash. I get so needy in a relationship but yet I pay for everything. Needy emotionally ...but financially sound.

My friend says I don't have enough self worth to really stand my ground and get what I deserve. Yes I have weight to lose and that hinders my self esteem but I know there are a million other wonderful things about me that I need to protect. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I won't end up alone but I'm sick of being walked on. I am so angry with men yet I know really I should be angry with myself for allowing the bad behaviors.
I've listened to every single one of your podcasts and I just absolutely love your view points.
Help? -Katie

I sent this on 6/10/2016. And to say this email changed my life is an understatement. From that day forward I hired Lisa Hayes to tell me how to live my life. I needed it. I needed someone to coach me into adulthood. All of these relationship issues were just the tip of the iceberg. The next few months, every time I talked to Lisa I would end up in tears. Because it wasn't at all about being bad in relationships or the dreaded "being needy" that most women are accused of. I truly disliked myself. Everyone else was placed so much higher than I placed myself.

Reading the above email is hilarious to me now. To be completely and 100% honest I reached out to her hoping I could learn something to fix my most recent failed relationship. Maybe if I changed... I could somehow get him to come back. Throughout the process I kept thinking though "If only HE saw how much I have changed and how better I am." It wasn't until probably the 2nd month I was in this thing with Lisa that everything clicked. What I ended up learning was how much I didn't need or want that relationship or anymore similar relationships to exist again. 

I was finally growing a relationship with myself. I know people don't always struggle with this. This "self love" thing comes so naturally to some so this process of hiring a life coach and having to work on it when I'm 30 is probably a little... kooky to some people. And that's fine. You can definitely have your opinions on it.  I needed this. I didn't know I was okay. Before all of this, I didn't know people could like me just because they liked me. I always thought everyone had an angle. I always felt that if I didn't act a certain way people would leave. Because people have left. And I put it all on me and blamed myself. 

2016 was my best year yet because I finally figured out how to love myself. It's necessary and required. And it's the foundation for all other love. 

For 2017 I resolve...
To build my relationship with myself. 
To continue to take care of myself first. 
To paint as often as possible.
To continue to be happy.

Us

Forward: This wasn't written for anyone but myself and the women and men out there that have gone through enough. Enough. Who don't think they're enough. Who don't hope for enough. This is from us. We've all been through it and if you haven't you either had it all figured out from birth or you're living under a rock.

This is an open letter to the ones who (luckily) got away

Dear you,

You're not special. You're not the first person to come into someone's life and walk out almost just as quickly. We gave you too much power. And even with this letter some might say we're still giving you power. But we're the kind of people who like to remove the weight from our shoulders one word at a time. We tried that with you though didn't we? We tried to get answers out of you, tried to seek out some closure. That didn't work for you though did it? You had already decided to take the"high road" and basically pretend that we never existed.

Luckily your actions(this is where we're giving you power) put some pep in our step. We took it upon ourselves to figure out what was wrong with us. Did you read that? We(the speaking party) were trying to figure out(deduce, hypothesize?) what was wrong(inaccurate, incorrect) with us. Isn't that silly? You're the one with zero backbone yet we found the fault in ourselves. Were we not pretty/handsome enough, did we not wait long enough to respond to your texts, did we cry on your shoulder too much, maybe we held our forks weird, or our laughs were too loud, perhaps we walked with a bit of a limp, or our toes curved oddly?

These are the things running through our heads. "If only I had just..." "Maybe I should have.." "I definitely shouldn't have.."

Don't we sound dumb? Clearly needy and probably absolutely crazy.

The only thing that is really the matter with us ...was you. You were so great in the beginning. They always are after all. Kind, filling our heads full of nice words and hope. Things that those of us lacking self love are missing in our lives. We're so busy tearing ourselves down we find someone with a couple of cute .50 words and we lose our minds! So afraid to speak our minds to you for fear you'll leave us! And what will we do without you?

Well some of us find someone new immediately. Ahhh yes. That rebound. The next one with the cute words and the sweet hope and all the stuff.

And the rest of us finally say through heavy sobs and alligator tears "What the f*ck is actually wrong with me? Why does it always end this way. Where did I go wrong?" And that's when through process and trial and error...we find it. We find the love we've been looking for.(And this is where we take the power back)

Oh it's a cautious fairytale, this love. We have kept a wall up between us and this love for so long it is a hard one to disassemble. But brick by brick...we let down our protection. And this love comes pouring in. Finally someone gets us!! Loves our quirks and our curved toes. Loves our weird eyebrows and the way our smile is crooked when we're tired. Loves that we're big softies and needy as hell. Loves that we cry during sad movie. Loves that we our so passionate about our hobbies that sometimes we ignore life and just do that for a while.

It was us all along. It was always us.

All the love we've been pouring on these exes in our lives, all the attention and energy we dish out to people who aren't capable of dishing it back... it just needed to be redirected back at us. The pain we were feeling from yet another failed relationship was nothing but something inside of us hurting because we still weren't getting it.

We were treating ourselves exactly like you did.

So thank you.

Thank you for not being anything special in our lives. Those of us that needed that final push have finally found the one we want to be with forever.

And it was Us... all along.

Quick Thoughts

I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts  were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.

Let's clear some things up. Here and now

1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.

2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.

3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.

4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.

5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.

6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.

Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.

An Apology of Sorts

To the right one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.

You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.

So I'm not sorry at all.

Score Yourself

My life coach (Lisa) posed a question to me a few weeks ago. She said to me "Katie.. what do you want in a man?"
My response? "Funny.. kind.. honest.. hard working.." She said okay pretty typical, vague, blah response. Lisa then asked me to DIG DEEP. She wanted specifics.

So I thought about it.. and I wrote my specifics. She then asked me to Score myself on these things.

Score myself? On things I want in a man? But ... this isn't about me.. this is about him. Which was clearly wrong. This is not about the hims in the world. It's about the ME. Just me. No one else.

Then she asked me to score myself 3 months ago. And to score the last few men I was in a relationship with. At this point my eyes became wide open to this process. Especially because my score 3 months ago is about 40 points less than it is now and I am not even going to talk about the scores my exes received. Amazing men and while they may have been aligned with Katie from 3 months or hell even 10 years ago... they are not aligned with present day Katie. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean they're bad guys or shitty boyfriends or assholes or anything like that. It simply means that anything more than a friendship just wouldn't be wise. For anyone. Especially me. Which is ultimately the person I have put at the top of my list. For once. Me.

I'm not going to get into details about scoring, my score (new or old), or their scores. (If you are interested I will be posting Lisa's website link and a link to check out her book below)  But what I will tell you is this... This shit is a science! For example, one of the qualities I want in a man is that I need them to enjoy giving and receiving. Love, time, gifts, support.. so on and so forth. When I went to score myself on this one she corrected me, took about 2 points off the score I would have given myself and said "You only scored this high because you are a giver. You give freely. You support, you love, you share your time... however, you are not at all a receiver. You have got to work on that." So that's phase 75 in all of this. Taking the tiny bits of what I want in a man, flipping them around on myself, and working on them. Bit by bit.

This week I am working on being better at receiving, being uncompromisingly and universally honest, and my positive sexual energy. Don't take that last one for what it sounds like. She simply wants me to ditch the hoodies and get into clothing that shows off who I am as a woman. Become a girl. It doesn't mean I have to dive head first into more floral patterns and any amount of skinny jeans. But I need to start celebrating what I've got.

I used to think the best thing about me is that I am staunchly independent. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me, buy me dinner, buy me flowers, take me to the movies, call me pretty, buy me birthday gifts. That's not independence... that's fear. If I say I don't want those things, and I continue to just pay for everything and never speak my mind on the subject then I won't seem needy and scare him away. Scare what way though? Someone I have no business being with?

The next man I date better buy me flowers and coffee, he better take me on dates, he better hold the door and tell me I'm gorgeous, he better spoil me and surprise me. I work hard. I pay my own bills.  And if it scares someone away to know that I want them to pay for dates then they can run far far away. I am a great girl looking for marriage. One day, not now!! I'm not ready for that yet. But one day I want to meet the man of my dreams at an alter in Vegas. Or by the river in Montana. Or on the beach in North Carolina. And if that is scary to the next man I meet then he can move right along. It's scarier for me to keep secrets, hold it all in, hide who I am.. then it is to end up alone.

I deserve amazing things in this life and I'm making them happen. One session at a time!

Here's the Book: Score Your Soulmate 
Here's the Website: Lisa M Hayes

A FairyTale

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had no idea the power she possessed. She absolutely loves to have conversation with anyone and everyone. She is a brilliant communicator whether she's speaking or writing. She is hilarious and smart. She can burn you in such a way it makes you love her for it. She can pick up a paintbrush and some 50 cent paints and create. Period. Whatever it is...she can do it. She always made friends easily. That was never the problem. The problem with this beautiful girl was that she didn't believe any of it. She lost her new friends, she felt like she had to be fake in order to keep people in her life, and she was never quite herself to people she had just met. It was hard for her to accept that people liked her for her. The friendships she had for 20+ years just always seemed to stay no matter what she did so she could handle that. New people? She felt like she had to be a version of herself that suited them and not let people see her weakness.

Falling in love was easy for her. She did it often. Or so she thought. The feelings she craved she forced. She had a very vivid imagination so it was easy for her to make believe that she was living in the fantasy world she saw on TV and read in books. She felt like the knot in her gut and the daily crying were just part of what love was. "This is butterflies!" she thought to herself. And soon they were. Not knowing that her intuition was yelling at her. Subtly at first and then it grew louder and louder until she broke. The relationship would crumble and the girl would move on to the next one. Never once did she address the knot in her stomach. She just let it grow.

One day, the girl met a boy. This boy was special. He had so many interesting things about him she figured this must be the one. The one that would be the everlasting love she's been looking for. He wasn't much of a talker but that was okay to the girl. He was attractive and funny. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with this boy that hardly spoke. She spoke enough for the both of them, she thought. The knot returned. The tears flowed like water. "Yay love! Just what I've been looking for!" Then it all came crashing down. The boy wasn't really interested in anything serious with the girl. He really enjoyed their friendship and cared about her a lot but he just wasn't ready for anything set in stone. All the girl heard was "I care about you" and continued on blindly. Finally it became obvious to the girl that the boy was slipping away from her. "He can't leave.." she thought "I need him." And just like that... he was gone. The girl was left empty again.

But this time it was different. "Why can't anyone love me? Why won't anyone just stay? I'm not loveable. I'm not good enough." She called into work. She couldn't even muster the courage to get out of bed. She couldn't face the day knowing that she had yet another failed relationship under her belt. Oh man and everyone that was so happy for her? So what now she has to explain it to all of them? Let them down? She was let down yet again by an evil boy. She was angry with the boy. This was all his fault. He could have just loved her and made her life so much easier.

Now, this whole time, the girl had a friend telling her all kinds of things she didn't think she needed to listen to. Like how she needed to take a break from guys and work on herself! The girl couldn't believe that. Why did she need to work on herself when as soon as she found someone to love her she would feel whole and good and right? This friend isn't an ordinary friend though. This friend is special. She's like a fairy Godfriend...which is like a fairy Godmother but she's not an old woman with silver hair and a wand. She's a wonderfully brilliant woman that always tried to build the girl up. Show her what was amazing about her. Of course the girl never believed her. She figured her friend was only saying these things because they were friends and she was saying them out of obligation.

Until one day, the girl had a conversation with someone who didn't know her. This woman seemed to dissect the girl bit by bit. She told the girl all the really great things about her that the girl tended to ignore or just couldn't see. She gave the girl the tools she would need and should be using in order to love herself. "Love myself?" the girl thought. It was a foreign concept. The girl had spent 30 years of her life thinking that someone needed to love her and then her life would be set and didn't ever in a million years imagine that if that someone loving her WAS her that everything would change. So she said "What the hell!" and decided to give it a go.

First, the woman told her she was not allowed to date during this process... Which was easy for the girl because she had already made up her mind that men were scum and she was mad at all of them for treating her so horribly.

Second, the woman wanted the girl to speak to herself lovingly and sweetly. No more harsh words and no more putting herself down.

So she began..

"Love myself. I love myself. I feel stupid. I LOVE myself. I love MYSELF. I am an idiot."

But the more she worked on it... the more she believed.

Then, the woman wanted her to really look back at her past relationships. What were the commonalities? What happened over and over? And what could be learned from each of them? As the girl wrote, the tears flowed. The pain that was coming up from a relationship that crashed and burned almost 10 years ago was enough to make her shut her journal and just cry. She couldn't believe it. When that relationship ended the girl didn't feel a thing and now all of a sudden she was working through some serious anger and pain and emotion. By the time the girl opened her journal again and got to the last two relationships she was fired up! She was angry with every stroke of her pen. Everything that hurt, everything that made her angry, everything! The girl could see in every word she wrote how little she valued herself. How much she hated herself. How the lack of love she had for herself shaped every relationship she's been in.

The girl had found it. She found the love for herself. She found her heart and her soul and what she was craving and missing. And that wasn't love from her mom, her dad, her friends, a man...


She found the most pure and true love that could ever exist. She was finally in love with herself.

And she lived happily ever after.

(You might be thinking that ending was rather abrupt.. is it that easy? Fall in love with yourself and the rest of your story will be happily ever after? Well, I am here to tell you... it is that f*cking easy.)

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!

5 Stars!

Every time a relationship ends I feel horrible. Another failed relationship under my belt! And I don't exactly look inside myself to find out why...No. I just blame the other person. When in reality the other people were never really that horrible. To me..for what I want and for what i deserve? Yah. Horrible. But in general I've dated the average guy who really gave me exactly what I expected from them because of how little I value myself. I allowed every single bit of the treatment. When in reality about a month into any of these relationships I should have ran. Some in fact...should have made me run before I even got wrapped up in them. I should have "read the reviews". 

I am a pretty smart shopper. I hardly buy a product in a store without knowing everything about it. I read through all the bad reviews and see the general consensus before I even think about making a purchase. I skim the good. In fact I hardly read the good. Because the good isn't what's helpful. Sure I love to know when 3000 people out of 4500 loved a book or a coffee maker. But the truth lies in those 1500 who weren't satisfied. With those kind of odds I'm betting I'll enjoy it, get a lot of use out of it, and maybe even love it. The problem is, there's no dating review site for men and women to join. A site where we all can look up our potential partners and read what their exes thought of them

Well Brad here got a 4.5 out of 5 stars! He was a great boyfriend to 25 women! 4 thought he was a tool but hey I like those odds! Oh and Mark only got a 1.5 out of 5. Wow. Those 27 women were really irritated by his lack of commitment but 2 souls out there thought he was just the keenest. 

This doesn't exist. We can't do this. And it would honestly be super creepy to write a review about an ex. "Well Mike was nice at first until I sobered up and realized he was a complete loser with 2 children he's hardly taking care of and I'm pretty sure he's lying about his job. Oh and my friends are certain he's a meth head" (actual review of a guy I dated once upon a time). 

But if I could just read the signs like I read reviews I'd be light years ahead of myself. I'd probably be with the guy who called first, texted back, traveled with me, cooked me dinner, made me coffee, loved my mom, joked around with my dad, and the guy that my brothers absolutely adored. The signs lie in our stomachs. Those pings and tings...the butterflies, the flips. This thought all came about because one of my best friends told me recently that she waits until all of those rose colored glasses are cleared up, the buzz, the excitement...and then she makes a decision about a guy. Whether or not he's actually good enough for her or if it was just the honeymoon phase that made her think it so. These are like our internal reviews. Our hearts and stomachs are giving these guys a 5 of 5. However, our brains are giving the realness. The bad reviews. 

I am too busy living in the land of rose colored butterflies that flip and ting to realize that someone isn't good enough for me. Because that feeling..that heightened happiness we all should feel has blurred my meter. It's made me ignore the stuff that bugs the shit out of me. The stuff that my (somewhat) logical brain is feeding me is where the real truth is. Always always read and consider the bad reviews before making a final decision. 

The glasses (and gloves) are off. 

Put Me In Coach

My whole life I've been the girl with the pretty face. The girl with the hot friends. The girl with the hot brothers. The girl with the good personality. The big girl.

The girl who settles for someone who will settle for her.

I find that if I go for less than what I deserve maybe they'll settle for me. I somehow feel like I've deserved the things I've been dealt. The relationships that have left me torn apart. The friends that have walked all over me. The guys who want a good time..not a long time. The guys who aren't honest, don't communicate, aren't willing to go above any measure, who aren't able to commit to just me... I've always told myself I don't deserve better than this. I always though I was just the girl someone settles for. Not someone anyone would want to seriously be with. All because of how I look.

I've always felt like I don't deserve to even really put my foot down and demand things in a relationship because look at me! Why would I deserve anyone who calls when they say they will? Wants to see me often? Wants to buy ME dinner? Wants to surprise me with fun gifts? Initiates conversation? Who smiles when I text them? Who wants to be in an actual relationship with me and not this half assed open relationship new age bullshit?

I tell people I'm not comfortable with other people paying for things for me. Movie tickets, dinners, drinks... The truth is I don't feel like I deserve any of that stuff. Like I don't deserve someone to want to spoil me and make me feel cared for! Treat me like I'm half a person because that's how I feel.

On paper I'm a dream girl. I'm laid back, hilarious, great conversationalist, I get along with anyone, I have amazing friends, I have a great job and I make my own money, I care about people with my whole heart, I'm goofy and unconventional,  I try to always be there for people who need me, I'm generous and I like to make sure everyone is having a good time, I'm curious and intelligent. I'm so many damn good things.

But because I'm a big girl I've put up with mediocre bullshit from all kinds of people.

And today...that all ends. Well yesterday. But I'm just writing this today. So today.

Because I am not my body, I'm not my weight, and I'm not my size.

I feel like I met myself for the first time last night during my very first session with a life coach. Yah. You read that right. A life coach. Because some of us have struggles and some of us have read every self help book out there and some of us don't know how to end the cycle and just love ourselves fully and completely.

Sportsing people didn't just learn to sports because they picked up their sports ball. They had a coach.

I just happened to not know how to life...so I hired a life coach.

Playground Antics

Here’s something fun:

All this writing I do? It means nothing. It’s my words and thoughts and ideas. It’s the words thoughts and ideas of my friends and family. It’s things I’ve read in books or listened to on podcasts. It’s probably the things I’m going to be learning in the next few weeks. But why can’t I apply them? Why is it that I have a bit of confidence, I’m sure of myself, and I’m pretty stable.. until I meet a guy? Why do I always jump immediately into “Okay this is the one I’m sure of it and now I’m going to push this and twist it and force it. We’re going to make this a thing whether he likes to or not!” Ew.

What makes me not able to just go with the flow like so many other people? One of my best friends was telling me the timeline of the relationship with her fiancé. They didn’t even really discuss exclusivity for like 6 months. Didn’t refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend until a year. Now I realize people are different and we don’t all work the same… but my last relationship I was pushing for both of those things to exist within 2 months. 2 months of even really knowing one another. My brain was already living back on the east coast and I was forgetting about all the things I had in the present. Like hobbies, friends, family.. a life.

I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. I mean I was in a relationship sure.. but I don’t think we both were. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s not anyone’s fault. Well it’s my fault. I know so many things about how you’re supposed to act and feel and be. I know that you’re supposed to set boundaries and you’re not supposed to just give your heart away at the first site of someone attractive and sweet. I know that you’re not supposed to chase or be caught easily. I know that as a woman if you have any self worth and value you’re supposed to let them come to you. They should want to. I shouldn’t be chasing boys around the playground anymore at the ripe old age of 30.

I know all of these things… yet the one thing missing from my smart little brain is the HOW. HOW in the HELL do women do this? How do you love yourself enough to just let go and have faith? How how how.

And that’s what I intend on finding out. How to not give chase…how to not be 5 year old Katie with 10,000 insecurities.

The only baggage I have is that.. insecurities.

So I’m going to learn how to unpack my bags and stay awhile.

Glue Not Required

To touch on my last post a bit more...

I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.

Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.

Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"

See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?

Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.

You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.

Why It Sucks To Be In Love with Love.. (But not yourself..)

Every time I fall in love I think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.

Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to continue for far too long.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I love to make them feel special and cared for."  And then I stopped. That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard. Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for 10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.." So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a really good head on my shoulders"?

And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her the absolute best way they could?

The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
 
 I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those 10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently. 

Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for. 

But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5. 
 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.

Broken Bowls and Lightbulbs

I've been here 5 months. Almost. It will be 5 months on the 14th of this month.

I really love it here. It's near perfect.

I have amazing friends here that have become best friends.

Their families are also amazing and their friends have become my friends.

I love that about this place. I also love the air, the smells, and how I feel when I'm here. I love my independence. I love that I'm doing this whole thing on my own.

However, I am really missing my family today. I am beside myself actually.

My mom had bought me this set of bowls months ago and finally shipped them to me this last week. I opened them today and one was broken. I lost it. Serious breakdown. It was a gift from my mother and it had been broken by some asshole who clearly doesn't know what "fragile" means. The box looks like it's been drop kicked. I have had maybe 3 real breakdowns since I've been here and they all stem back to those jerks back home. The ones that raised me to be the kind of person who can just take off and move 35 hours away. I really really miss them.

I've done a lot since I've been here. I've accomplished a lot of things. I am starting new things and meeting new people. (Still single, I know that surprises all of you.. ha) But I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I am also learning that the hardest part about growing up is that my family likes Montana and no matter how hard I try I'll never convince any of them to come live here. With me. In my 500 sq/ft box.

I've also learned that apartment management doesn't replace light bulbs in really high ceiling fans and now I'm on the hunt for someone with a ladder so I can just fix it my damn self. This is one of those moments where I wish I had a guy in my life. I know I can fix the stupid thing myself and I really don't need a guy to do it, but wouldn't it be nice to just have the offer?

You're right. I'll just go buy my own damn ladder.

Chase Your Love

I've moved for love before. I moved to Wyoming because of what I thought was love. It was my idea (at the time) of what love is. Basically I moved because I was dependent on that person to make me happy and I've always hated that I moved for a boy.

I've always thought people were absolutely ridiculous for doing the same. Don't do it. That was my mantra. Don't ever move for a guy. Or for love. Or for anything that isn't 100% selfish. Ha.

Okay so fast forward to this morning when I read this article titled: "Staying Is Settling". The article basically outlines different reasons to move. And why we should move often. I have always been a big fan of the moving, the changing, and the different experiences that can come from a move or change.

However, #3 kind of threw me for a loop because it goes against everything I believe when it comes to moving and love.

I've also never looked at love as being the ultimate destination because let's be honest: I am a scrooge, grinch, grump, and just all out against love. Well, I have been in the past. A lot about this journey I am currently on has been discovering different ways to love. Without reservation, without dependency, and with full trust. Willing to fall and not be caught. That's what I'm learning. I can fall... or I can stay still. I've never liked to stay in one place so I am teaching myself to be more willing to fall.

The first line in this particular section of this particular article says this: To chase love is to chase happinesses. I agree that self-love equals happiness. I'll never disagree with that. This sentence held a little more meaning to me though. I took from it that chasing love, whether it's self love or the love of another, is what makes humans happy. Because after all, love is one of our most basic instincts. This was solidified by another line further down: If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.

I loved the point behind this even though I am still up in the air for my feelings on love. I moved to Wyoming for what I thought was love and/or happiness. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But it was an experience regardless of what it actually was or wasn't.

Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. 

Now I'm not saying I would move for love again in a heart beat. No, I'm not saying that at all especially since I have found something quite special here in NC. And that's nothing more than a relationship I have established with myself! However, I am less inclined to find someone to be a total nut job if it's something that they want to do.

Chase your love. Whatever your love is. Make sure you're going after it. And make sure that whatever experience comes from it is worth it for the greater good.

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This

I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.

Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.

I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.

Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.

I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.

Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.

And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!

Save Your Breath - I'll Catch Mine Eventually

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate to be warned about someone or something? I hate it. Why are you telling me all these things? What benefit to you is it to get that warning out there? You don't think I've had enough disappointment in my life that I can't handle a little bit more - if disappointment is even the end result? You don't think I can handle a let down? Or that I haven't been let down in the past? Yes, I am sick of disappointment. Yes, I hate being let down -- but You literally cannot shield another person from experiences.

Experiences. That's what life is. It's a combination of planned events, unplanned events, bullets to dodge, and dun dun dun.. experiences.

Every single decision we make during the day is ours to make. Do you remember in my last post when we discussed (I say "we" like you had any choice.. no I discussed) freewill. The ability to choose our own choices. Well I choose my Choice. I Choose My Choice. (Thanks, Charlotte York-Goldenblatt for this little quip). I choose to get wrapped up in something that may or may not work out because I have faith that things always will. Even though I know that disappointment and let down happens. I am well aware of these things.

I am well aware that my rose colored glasses I see everyone and everything through are often tainted by the goodness I believe exists in all people. I am well aware that this isn't a movie and this is real life and bad things happen to good and bad people and that karma is a bitch and that people can most definitely treat other people with vagrant ignorance. I get it. However, I don't choose to treat people this way. I don't purposely try to screw anyone over and hurt them, so I don't expect anyone to actually do that to me. Even though, it has definitely happened. No one warned me about those people. No. Where were the warnings with them? Nowhere. Do I even on some level wish someone would have been there to say "Now, Katie..." because that would have instantly taken away my ability to choose my own choice.

In closing: Unless you have evidence that someone is a serial killer rapist pedophile or can show me specific examples of where someone has specifically said "Cannot wait to screw ____ over" then mind your own business.

That's it: Mind ya bid'ness

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.