Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Lessons in Expecting

I have been trying to read the Four Agreements for months. Occasionally things happen in my life that make me hyper aware that I need to make some very big changes in my life. 

No location or job change or anything like that. But with the way I process things and the way I handle disappointment and situations that are just in general less than ideal. 

Lately one of the “agreements” from the book that has been popping into my head is the one about not taking things personally. It’s kind of an “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. And quite honestly it has nothing to do with you! It really should be a reflection of that person. 

I expect a lot. I don’t mean I have high expectations. I just often expect things to go a certain way and when they don’t I definitely handle it poorly. I am never prepared for the let down because I honestly work myself into believing there won’t be one. Spoiler: there’s always a let down in expectation. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. Someone like myself who has had constant disappointments should really be used to this and know how to handle things better. I haven’t learned that yet. With each disappointment has come a sliver of a lesson though. Just a tiny sparkle of it. 

Now to circle back around to the beginning statements about not taking things personally. I take disappointment very personally. I take let downs right into my soul and I am constantly having to pick myself back up after it happens. I try not let it make me cold or hardened, but to be honest it’s gettin harder and harder. I’m a pretty negative optimist. Or maybe I’m a positive pessimist? I get my head in the clouds over certain situations and I forget to come back down to earth and check out the reality of it. 

I am going to spend the rest of 2018 learning. Learning how to re-wire my expectations and learn how to essentially expect disappointment. I will probably continue to hope for the best but unless something is in black and white and right in front of my face, I am not going to let it control any emotion or get me buzzed. 

I am going to learn how to not take things so personally. Good and bad. It’s been 7 months of “expectation/disappointment” cycles. Well, let’s be honest.. these cycles have spanned a good portion of my 32 years. 

I want off the merry-go-round. I’m starting to get dizzy. 

One of Those Open Letters

Dear Nice Guys, 

You always have so many opinions and ideas about the women, ahem, excuse me... the “girls” (as you call us) who just aren’t that into you. We're not refusing to give you a chance because you're a nice guy. If you really think that, then you're not really a nice guy.

You assume we prefer the jerks that ignore us. Or the assholes that cheat on us. Or the pricks that torture us with half truths and empty promises. 

You assume that we love being treated like garbage and we just don’t have the mental capacity to handle a nice guy. A guy with his life together and a guy with all the things we are just craving on a silver platter.

Come closer. I need you to really hear what I’m about to say...

What if.. we don’t have anything actually in common? What if we don’t actually enjoy your company? Your personality? Your doting on our whims? Maybe you have a horrible sense of humor and we just can’t get with it. Maybe.. just maybe we don’t find you attractive. 

Is there a such thing as Too Nice? You’re damn right there is. 

Too nice is terrifying. You want to know everything about us on the first date but we are still trying to figure out who the hell we are. You’re really into us and that’s awesome but for how long? Our insecurities are running wild and now all of a sudden this “white knight” wants to prove to us they’re nothing like the last guy.

Fun fact, nice guy! The last guy to turn our heads and hearts upside down was JUST AS NICE in the beginning. 

And he turned out to be anything but! He was sweet and attentive. And so much fun. He had the kind eyes and the kind demeanor and he was attractive and great. We had a blast together! And he.. turned out to be anything but a nice guy. He turned out to be cold and mean and a total disappointment. 

So please, tell me why I’m supposed to believe you when you tell me you’re nice and show all this interest in me. What’s different about you? And tell me why I’m supposed to just believe that you’re not like the rest when we just met? You all think that some nice words and showing a little bit of interest will just win you the heart of any female you lay your eyes on. It's not that easy. In 2018 the women of the world have gotten smarter. No, it's not a feminism thing. It's a sick of being toyed with thing. We NEED you less. You don't realize that. We don't NEED a knight in shining armor anymore. We don't need kind words and promises. We don't essentially NEED you at all anymore. 

We have a little more power now and we're a little less 1950's housewife. We actually choose the people in our lives. Not by a need... but by a want. We want you in our lives! If we want you as a friend and not as a significant other then let us have that. You don't get to make all the decisions anymore. We do have some say in who we end up with and most of us are completely content ending up alone because we know now that there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, alone for most of us doesn't mean actually alone.

The women of the world have loved and have tried to be loved! We are no longer looking for someone to fill a void or a gap or to take care of us. We have most of our shit together now and we have lots of love around us. Our friendships are stronger, our connections with our families more firm, and the love we have for ourselves knows no limits. 

We do not need a nice guy with a good job to take care of us. We want our partner in life to be a partner and not our keeper or our caretaker and on the flip we don't want to keep or take care of anyone else either. We want to laugh liberally, travel often, dance in parking lots, make our own money, share experiences and adventures with wonderful people, stay in when it's sunny, or go out into the rain. 

We want to have someone in our lives that can not complete us, but complement us. And we want to in return complement you.

Score Yourself

My life coach (Lisa) posed a question to me a few weeks ago. She said to me "Katie.. what do you want in a man?"
My response? "Funny.. kind.. honest.. hard working.." She said okay pretty typical, vague, blah response. Lisa then asked me to DIG DEEP. She wanted specifics.

So I thought about it.. and I wrote my specifics. She then asked me to Score myself on these things.

Score myself? On things I want in a man? But ... this isn't about me.. this is about him. Which was clearly wrong. This is not about the hims in the world. It's about the ME. Just me. No one else.

Then she asked me to score myself 3 months ago. And to score the last few men I was in a relationship with. At this point my eyes became wide open to this process. Especially because my score 3 months ago is about 40 points less than it is now and I am not even going to talk about the scores my exes received. Amazing men and while they may have been aligned with Katie from 3 months or hell even 10 years ago... they are not aligned with present day Katie. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean they're bad guys or shitty boyfriends or assholes or anything like that. It simply means that anything more than a friendship just wouldn't be wise. For anyone. Especially me. Which is ultimately the person I have put at the top of my list. For once. Me.

I'm not going to get into details about scoring, my score (new or old), or their scores. (If you are interested I will be posting Lisa's website link and a link to check out her book below)  But what I will tell you is this... This shit is a science! For example, one of the qualities I want in a man is that I need them to enjoy giving and receiving. Love, time, gifts, support.. so on and so forth. When I went to score myself on this one she corrected me, took about 2 points off the score I would have given myself and said "You only scored this high because you are a giver. You give freely. You support, you love, you share your time... however, you are not at all a receiver. You have got to work on that." So that's phase 75 in all of this. Taking the tiny bits of what I want in a man, flipping them around on myself, and working on them. Bit by bit.

This week I am working on being better at receiving, being uncompromisingly and universally honest, and my positive sexual energy. Don't take that last one for what it sounds like. She simply wants me to ditch the hoodies and get into clothing that shows off who I am as a woman. Become a girl. It doesn't mean I have to dive head first into more floral patterns and any amount of skinny jeans. But I need to start celebrating what I've got.

I used to think the best thing about me is that I am staunchly independent. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me, buy me dinner, buy me flowers, take me to the movies, call me pretty, buy me birthday gifts. That's not independence... that's fear. If I say I don't want those things, and I continue to just pay for everything and never speak my mind on the subject then I won't seem needy and scare him away. Scare what way though? Someone I have no business being with?

The next man I date better buy me flowers and coffee, he better take me on dates, he better hold the door and tell me I'm gorgeous, he better spoil me and surprise me. I work hard. I pay my own bills.  And if it scares someone away to know that I want them to pay for dates then they can run far far away. I am a great girl looking for marriage. One day, not now!! I'm not ready for that yet. But one day I want to meet the man of my dreams at an alter in Vegas. Or by the river in Montana. Or on the beach in North Carolina. And if that is scary to the next man I meet then he can move right along. It's scarier for me to keep secrets, hold it all in, hide who I am.. then it is to end up alone.

I deserve amazing things in this life and I'm making them happen. One session at a time!

Here's the Book: Score Your Soulmate 
Here's the Website: Lisa M Hayes

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Change of Plans

A couple of months ago I had plans for this weekend. Plans that would have determined a lot of different things about my life. If these plans were still in effect as they were a few months ago, the dinner I had with girls from work last night wouldn't have happened. There are other things and people that currently exist in my life that wouldn't exist had these plans not fallen through as well.

I say fallen through as if things just kind of didn't work out. Which they didn't, obviously, but not just circumstance... Anyway.

It's funny... this weekend could have been substantially different than the weekend I am living currently. So even though Thursday isn't technically the weekend it still counts as something that would have never happened. I got to finally see the city. The actual city. It was amazing. My tour guide was hilarious and took me to a lot of vastly different places. From one of the more ghetto areas to an extremely ritzy area. Through uptown and then through NoDa. NoDa is full of hipsters and I found myself strangely drawn to it! There is a lot more to see, I'm sure, and I'm looking forward to checking more of it out eventually.

And then Last night I laughed with girlfriends. I haven't laughed with girlfriends since I left Montana. We told stories and made jokes and just in general got to know each other outside of work. There was very little work talk and really we just talked about our lives and future plans and how we got to where we are today. It was awesome and I think I could really fall into wonderful friendships with these girls. Very happy with where I am in that regard. And then today I finally made it out to Kitty City in Concord. I fell in love with an unexpected little fella. He's white and grey and his name is Thor. I will be changing that name immediately to Kevin. Immediately.

I was going to go around town and do a few more things but upon leaving Kitty City I realized I was absolutely covered in cat hair and while I am not afraid of 'cat lady status', I cannot wear it like a badge of honor because honestly it just looks ridiculous. So I came home and all of these thoughts occurred to me so here I am writing them out for everyone back home to see. That really is the point of all of this. To keep everyone updated.

I'm eating and preying and loving this entire situation and had the plans that fell through not fallen through this weekend... I would be in a substantially different place in my life right now. I am so glad that whatever it was ended because something better has definitely pulled together in my life to show me how absolutely grateful I should be to be who I am.

I left behind all of my friends and all of my family to go on an adventure and while I am absolutely missing every single one of them right now, I assure you all that I couldn't be happier in this current situation.

Early Morning Early Warning

My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"

I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.

One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!

2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!

I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.

So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.

Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.

Friendship Date (A day late!)

Friendship day was yesterday (August 3rd). I missed it! Fortunately I talked to a few of my good friends back home. Life has actually kept on going since I left. I'm surprised you're all functioning so well without me. I know how hard it was for everyone to say goodbye to me. I was like the glue that held that little town together so I'm glad to see that I left a residue... :)

So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.

So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.

"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."

"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."

"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."

"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."

"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."

And Lastly:

"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."

Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.

My friends are irreplaceable.

The Real Best Parts About Growing Up With Brothers

So, really, I was raised in a pack of wolves. My brothers are animals. They were absolutely the worst human beings. Just complete down to the core assholes. I mean that in the nicest way.

But that always worked to my benefit. While they both disliked me a majority of our childhood, I could count on either one of them to have my back if anyone was being awful to me. So let's start there.

1. Built In Security System. One of the things I loved about being the baby of the family, is that I was baby of the family with 2 older brothers. Basically, if you were mean to me... you were done. Probably my favorite memory of this in action would be when a kid in elementary school was relentless. He was awful to me. All the time. The school wouldn't do anything and I think my mom was sick of me coming home in tears every single day. So, instead of having smoke blown up her 'a' by the administration once again, she said something to my middle brother. I do believe it was the very next day I witnessed that problem being taken care of. It still warms my heart.

2. Thick skin. Well let's be honest here. Even though I grew up being picked on and tortured.. I'm still a sensitive Sally. But they did teach me a lot of come backs and witty things to say later in life.

3. As adults, I now have 2 built in best friends. So they may not see it this way, but they seriously are 2 of the best friends a girl could have. They are still assholes, but so am I. We treat each other terribly but seriously, when it comes down to the important stuff, they are always there. J more than likely will tell me how completely ridiculous I'm being while B will basically tell me to grow up. They have never sugar coated anything with me. They are the absolute definition of what good tough love is. And I love them for it.

4. Really really really great taste in music. It's true! I like some absolute shit, however, my brothers both gave me an ear for good music. It may have started with our mother as she pretty much had us listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin in the womb, but these two guys seriously instilled a love for all things music in me at an early age. B always loved the heavy stuff. Pantera, Metallica.. you name it. There was a lot of it happening in my house. J was always more diverse and completely different than anyone. Once we downloaded Napster in our house the sky was the limit. I don't mean to sound totally hipster here, but we were listening to stuff before anyone else in our area had ever heard of it. J has always been good about that. He still to this day sends me songs from artists of which I have never heard, and it takes a while for the rest of the world to catch up.

5. I am really choosy. I may end up single forever because of these clowns. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, and really I hope I don't end up single forever, but they've made this dating thing really hard on a girl in a really good way. I look up to these two guys so much and their opinions mean the absolute world to me. I couldn't imagine being with someone, dating someone, marrying someone... if these 2 didn't approve. If they didn't love him, how could I? It's not that hard to be someone these two would like to be around though. Be funny, be nice to their sister, and be ready to have someone pick you apart, make fun of you, and absolutely be ready to give it all back to them. In my family, if you can't take a lot of sarcastic jabbing, then you my friend, will not make it out alive.

Like I said: they're animals. But they're also 2 of my very best friends in the world.

Also, they're going to hate this post and I'm going to get no end of grief for writing it.

NC to PA.. A Quick Weekend Trip

What a fast weekend that was!
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.

Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.

I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.

One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.

Always Grateful

Being sad when you say goodbye to friends and family doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. It actually means that thus far all the choices you have made have been the right ones.

I'm very fortunate to feel this sadness right now. It means that I've been living my life well surrounded by amazing people. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of something new. An adventure. My heart will heal eventually and the sadness I feel will fade but I'll never stop missing the people in my life that have made the last 6 years incredible. 

Even when I do meet my new co-workers and make new friends and fall in love, these people will be a part of my life. The experiences I've had with them will carry me through to my next part of life. 

I'll always be grateful to this town and these people. And I am looking forward to seeing what the next 6 years of my life will develop into. 

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

The People I Know pt 2

So something else that has really made my time in Dillon completely worth it were the people I was fortunate enough to work with. I have worked in many places in my life and developed many friendships because of it. They're the kind of friends that even though we don't see each other daily anymore, we still catch up in our own ways. It typically involves only the occasional Facebook comment or post but still, we have kept in touch.

There are 5 girls in this office that have been there for me since the first time we met. They are all vastly different. They come from very different places in life and they have had very different struggles. However, they are all near and dear to me!

One of these ladies worked here previously and then came back right about the beginning of my second year here. We became friends almost immediately and have remained fairly close ever since. She is my voice of reason. She makes me think with a clear head, even though we both agree we're actually terrible at doing that. She has really helped me through a lot of my bullshit and for that I will always be grateful!

2 of the others I really got close with after our respective departments merged into one. They are seriously just lights in my life. Friendly and loving. They are the kind of girls that will drop their own stuff for you and just be there. I have shared a lot of laughs with these two and I'm sure more tears than any of us care to count.

The last 2.. they are in a league of their own. Both of them left me here. Jerks. I've forgiven them...kind of. I miss these two every single day. They were part of what I'll always refer to as the "A Team" here in the office. Brilliant, kind, funny and sweet. If you need to know anything at all about a process for basically any department here, not only could they explain it to you.. they would make sure you understood it. I remember during my breakup 6 years ago one of these ladies in particular overheard me listening to "I Will Survive". She basically just laughed at me. Which was good because even in that self-pity-wallowing moment I was able to realize just how ridiculous I was being. She was definitely a huge part in me getting over all that nonsense!

I haven't known these girls for long, however, they will always be 5 of the best co-workers and friends a girl could ask for. I'm thankful to have worked in this office for the last 6 years because it granted me such a huge extended family!

And I'm definitely the lucky one.

Photo Credit: Best Friends Picture

The People I Know pt 1

I'm gonna take a little time to write about some of these amazing people I've met in the last 6 years and the ones I've known for longer. These are the people that have really made a difference in my living back in my home town.

This is Part 1

Do you ever meet someone, fake roofie them and then build a lasting friendship with them? No? Well that's how I met one of my very best friends. She was working at a bar/restaurant we all frequented when I first moved back. She was friends with one of my best friends but she is a lot younger than us so I never knew her. She sat a drink on our table and asked us to watch it really quick. Upon her return I told her I had roofied it! Because roofies are funny. She just laughed and walked back to the kitchen. Later that evening we ran into her downtown. I told her I was impressed by her ability to stay awake this long. We basically became instant friends at that point and she means more to me each day I know her!Because roofies = love and friendship.

Through her I was able to meet a lot of other really awesome people. Two of these girls I have ran around with for the last few years and they really give me a run for my money when it comes to the downtown scene. It's pretty much a given that if we are all downtown together it's going to be a wreck but the memories, and selfies, will be perfect! They're the kind of girls that just do anything to make sure people are having a good time and they definitely love with their whole hearts. I've always been impressed with their capacity for love...and booze. 

So two girls I've known for ages also played a huge role in my "growing up" in the last 6 years. One I've known for 20+ years and the other around 15 or so. Regardless, they are literally always there for me and when we want to be selfish assholes and shut out the world, there aren't two better partners in crime. We've shared a lot of laughter and tears over the many years of our friendship and I know even with the impending distance, we'll still be able to remain thick as thieves. They mean a whole lot to me and I'm gonna miss their shoulders when I need a good ugly cry. 

More to come! This is only the beginning..