Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

A FairyTale

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had no idea the power she possessed. She absolutely loves to have conversation with anyone and everyone. She is a brilliant communicator whether she's speaking or writing. She is hilarious and smart. She can burn you in such a way it makes you love her for it. She can pick up a paintbrush and some 50 cent paints and create. Period. Whatever it is...she can do it. She always made friends easily. That was never the problem. The problem with this beautiful girl was that she didn't believe any of it. She lost her new friends, she felt like she had to be fake in order to keep people in her life, and she was never quite herself to people she had just met. It was hard for her to accept that people liked her for her. The friendships she had for 20+ years just always seemed to stay no matter what she did so she could handle that. New people? She felt like she had to be a version of herself that suited them and not let people see her weakness.

Falling in love was easy for her. She did it often. Or so she thought. The feelings she craved she forced. She had a very vivid imagination so it was easy for her to make believe that she was living in the fantasy world she saw on TV and read in books. She felt like the knot in her gut and the daily crying were just part of what love was. "This is butterflies!" she thought to herself. And soon they were. Not knowing that her intuition was yelling at her. Subtly at first and then it grew louder and louder until she broke. The relationship would crumble and the girl would move on to the next one. Never once did she address the knot in her stomach. She just let it grow.

One day, the girl met a boy. This boy was special. He had so many interesting things about him she figured this must be the one. The one that would be the everlasting love she's been looking for. He wasn't much of a talker but that was okay to the girl. He was attractive and funny. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with this boy that hardly spoke. She spoke enough for the both of them, she thought. The knot returned. The tears flowed like water. "Yay love! Just what I've been looking for!" Then it all came crashing down. The boy wasn't really interested in anything serious with the girl. He really enjoyed their friendship and cared about her a lot but he just wasn't ready for anything set in stone. All the girl heard was "I care about you" and continued on blindly. Finally it became obvious to the girl that the boy was slipping away from her. "He can't leave.." she thought "I need him." And just like that... he was gone. The girl was left empty again.

But this time it was different. "Why can't anyone love me? Why won't anyone just stay? I'm not loveable. I'm not good enough." She called into work. She couldn't even muster the courage to get out of bed. She couldn't face the day knowing that she had yet another failed relationship under her belt. Oh man and everyone that was so happy for her? So what now she has to explain it to all of them? Let them down? She was let down yet again by an evil boy. She was angry with the boy. This was all his fault. He could have just loved her and made her life so much easier.

Now, this whole time, the girl had a friend telling her all kinds of things she didn't think she needed to listen to. Like how she needed to take a break from guys and work on herself! The girl couldn't believe that. Why did she need to work on herself when as soon as she found someone to love her she would feel whole and good and right? This friend isn't an ordinary friend though. This friend is special. She's like a fairy Godfriend...which is like a fairy Godmother but she's not an old woman with silver hair and a wand. She's a wonderfully brilliant woman that always tried to build the girl up. Show her what was amazing about her. Of course the girl never believed her. She figured her friend was only saying these things because they were friends and she was saying them out of obligation.

Until one day, the girl had a conversation with someone who didn't know her. This woman seemed to dissect the girl bit by bit. She told the girl all the really great things about her that the girl tended to ignore or just couldn't see. She gave the girl the tools she would need and should be using in order to love herself. "Love myself?" the girl thought. It was a foreign concept. The girl had spent 30 years of her life thinking that someone needed to love her and then her life would be set and didn't ever in a million years imagine that if that someone loving her WAS her that everything would change. So she said "What the hell!" and decided to give it a go.

First, the woman told her she was not allowed to date during this process... Which was easy for the girl because she had already made up her mind that men were scum and she was mad at all of them for treating her so horribly.

Second, the woman wanted the girl to speak to herself lovingly and sweetly. No more harsh words and no more putting herself down.

So she began..

"Love myself. I love myself. I feel stupid. I LOVE myself. I love MYSELF. I am an idiot."

But the more she worked on it... the more she believed.

Then, the woman wanted her to really look back at her past relationships. What were the commonalities? What happened over and over? And what could be learned from each of them? As the girl wrote, the tears flowed. The pain that was coming up from a relationship that crashed and burned almost 10 years ago was enough to make her shut her journal and just cry. She couldn't believe it. When that relationship ended the girl didn't feel a thing and now all of a sudden she was working through some serious anger and pain and emotion. By the time the girl opened her journal again and got to the last two relationships she was fired up! She was angry with every stroke of her pen. Everything that hurt, everything that made her angry, everything! The girl could see in every word she wrote how little she valued herself. How much she hated herself. How the lack of love she had for herself shaped every relationship she's been in.

The girl had found it. She found the love for herself. She found her heart and her soul and what she was craving and missing. And that wasn't love from her mom, her dad, her friends, a man...


She found the most pure and true love that could ever exist. She was finally in love with herself.

And she lived happily ever after.

(You might be thinking that ending was rather abrupt.. is it that easy? Fall in love with yourself and the rest of your story will be happily ever after? Well, I am here to tell you... it is that f*cking easy.)

A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.

Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally. 

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This

I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.

Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.

I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.

Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.

I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.

Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.

And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!

Back to the Basics

Trying to think of things to write lately has been difficult. I have thoughts and opinions but I have become more worried lately about what people are going to think about my thoughts and opinions. I have recently stopped writing for myself and have started writing for whoever is reading. That's terrible and that's not at all how a real writer should be. I'm not going to impress everyone and I'm definitely not going to make or break relationships by keeping everything rated G or letting everything fluctuate into an R rating. I started this because I do have a voice and I do have my own shit going on. I'm on the adventure of a lifetime!

I've also found that I'm losing my writing style. I'm trying to compare myself to writers on other blogs and I'm finding that it's actually killing my own thought process. I don't need to use every $5 word in the book in order to get my point across. I like things black or white. I like not having a gray area. I like knowing and not being kept in the dark or lead on.. so why am I treating my potential readers the same way? I need to get back the point of this whole thing and that was to keep friends and family in touch with what it is I have been up to.

So let's get back to the basics by saying things have been happening lately and I believe them to be good things. I am trying to throw off my old habits by not actually putting all my eggs in one basket but luckily, because of my past experiences.. I have learned that slow and steady wins the race. So I'm going to actually just leave that as is because I don't know what else to say at this point. It could be good. I'm hoping it's good but won't be destroyed if it's not good. It's life.

I recently joined back up with the rest of the world and hooked up cable and internet. I have spent a total of 2 minutes watching TV (mostly to check and make sure I have AMC) and the rest of the time has been spent with my new boyfriend: Netflix. Well not new, we've actually been in a relationship for a lot of years. Back when DVDs and streaming came hand in hand. We took a break from each other but our relationship is still firm. That's what love is -- I think. Clearly, I'm an expert.

Today is going to be (well it's supposed to be) a productive day if I could peel myself away from the Roku and get in the damn shower. I have to pay rent, get an oil change, join the gym and clean my apartment.

Maybe it's not a full day, but Netflix and I have plans later.

New Life!

I haven't updated this in a while because I literally have nothing to write about. I guess for now I can say that I absolutely love my new office. Everyone is very friendly and sweet. I am impressed with how many of them have popped over to say Hi or requested I find them so we can finally meet face to face. It was a nerve wracking first morning on Wednesday. I went to the wrong building first and then when I found the right building I was in the wrong parking lot! Oh well, I made it and it's been a ride.

Although I'm technically alone in this giant city, I have yet to feel actually alone. I don't have Wi-Fi or cable at the new place so I've been watching a lot of "Sex in the City" that I have on DVD. I also went ahead and bought "Seinfeld" and a season of "Friends". I go to the grocery store, cook dinner, do laundry. I FaceTime with family and text with friends. I snap as many pictures of this experience as possible.

I miss everyone back home so much, but not enough to give up. I am pushing forward in this new adventure and things are happening quickly. I head to Pennsylvania to see some friends tonight and then Monday I start a book club. (I have yet to finish the book.. I better get busy). That will give me a huge opportunity to meet some brand new people. I have to drive into Charlotte, which is terrifying, but I'm learning.

I'm learning that you do not drive the speed limit here. Like EVER. It's a mere suggestion. 10-15 miles over is what the actual speed limit is according to everyone here. On my 3rd day into the commute I am comfortable enough to put my music on blast and have a little concert in my car on the way to work. It's crazy how being in a place with 800,000 people has completely raised my self esteem. I feel like I could do absolutely anything!

Anyway, I am excited to get on the road tonight and I'm excited to head back to MT for Labor Day weekend. I'm just excited to do just about anything right now.

I'm just excited.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

Day 1 #100happydays

Day 1 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and continue to heal from the amount of drinking I did this weekend.

Now that I've addressed that let's start with what made me happy today. Hank! Every time I look down at his adorable little face, messy hair and crooked arms.. I can't help but smile. I've made him cowboy hats, referee jerseys, and I've even given him a mustache or two. I found his best friend Eric while downtown on Christmas Eve a few years ago. They have been inseparable ever since. I brought him a sea shell last year from NC that he adores and he loves bananas, ChapStick, and making new friends.

He is really one of a kind. Well sort of, I did have to buy a whole box of him because he's fragile and his little face falls off after a while. He likes to take selfies or pose with friends. He's versatile like that. 

So he was my #Day1 because he's so simple and adorable. Just like life :)