Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Stop Needing and Start Living

I witness a lot of things go down on Facebook. I see all the posts and the inspirational sappy bullshit that comes along with it. I see the frustration with "stupid" men and "needy" women being put on display via some picture of a desert or forest with a cheesy caption.

Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.

Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.

I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.

"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.

So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.

If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!

Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.

But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:

Friendship Date (A day late!)

Friendship day was yesterday (August 3rd). I missed it! Fortunately I talked to a few of my good friends back home. Life has actually kept on going since I left. I'm surprised you're all functioning so well without me. I know how hard it was for everyone to say goodbye to me. I was like the glue that held that little town together so I'm glad to see that I left a residue... :)

So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.

So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.

"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."

"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."

"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."

"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."

"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."

And Lastly:

"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."

Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.

My friends are irreplaceable.