Danny DeVito

I have decided to make a shift in my life lately and I can really feel it these last few days. I have been spending more time listening to my thoughts and less time reacting to them. This is something I’ve dove into over the last week or so called Observing the Ego. The ego is something we develop as children that speaks to us in our own voices yet the words aren’t really ours. They’re the words of our experiences. They’re the words from our parent’s actions. They are a collection of bullshit… mostly.

Most people have this voice… most people have an ego. Well really… every single one of us has this. It’s just the reaction to it that gives us all a different sort of take on life. My ego is a jerk. It’s constantly on me about several different things. One of the most prominent is whenever any kind of relationship is existing with the opposite sex. Recently though I’ve been really observing the things my ego has been telling me about a few of the other relationships I have in my life.

The scary part about the ego is it acts like it’s you. It sounds like you! It’s taking your past experiences and using them as evidence to support their claims and it’s convincing you of all of the things you fear the most. Abandonment, worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness… 

I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I’ve been in. Whether they cheated physically, emotionally, or just didn’t want to ‘commit’ to one person.. I was never the center of the relationship. Not that I have to be the center but I wasn’t even like.. adjusted slightly to the left. I was just kind of there to pass the time until someone better came along. Or so it felt. And that’s what my ego always tells me now. “There will be someone better than you coming along. Just wait. You’ll see the signs very clearly! It’s the same every single time. Just make sure you are stricken with as much anxiety as possible, become very needy and clingy, and drive the point home that you’re definitely not the right one for them early so you can just get over the hurt that is inevitable. You aren’t worth someone sticking around. Remember that time your dad moved? And don’t forget every guy that has ghosted you.. And always remember that the first guy you said ‘I love you’ to left you for another woman. All of these examples build up into the conclusion that You Are Not Good Enough. Take every action someone else makes as a personal attack because they would literally never do these same things to anyone else. Ever. It’s just you!”

I take a lot of things personally because my Ego tells me to. Those of you that are fortunate enough to not have a constant barrage of negativity coming your way are gifted with something called Confidence. Confidence is that totally attainable possibility that some are just magically born with. Some of you have been instilled with this mythical beast since you were babies. So this whole post probably makes zero sense to you. You have already learned to observe and not react to what your ego is telling you so the voice is probably so tiny and small you don’t even hear it anymore. 

I am actively working on observing mine currently. As I’m writing this it’s telling me “Don’t post that… someone will read this and surely think you’re crazy. Do you really think your view on this is at all accurate/informative? You have a lot of nerve thinking that you are at all an expert on something you just started looking into. If you keep sharing this much information about your inner thoughts people are definitely going to walk away from you. You are going to lose friends over this because they’re going to think you’re absolutely nuts! Good luck ever finding someone to love you… you are a f*cking loon!”

And much like how I view Danny DeVito.. I’m going to overlook the advice and post this shit anyway.

(Get it? Cause he’s short.. and I am not. It’s hilarious.)

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!

One Month From Home

It has been a hot minute since I've written anything. I am nearing my first trip home in a year and I have some thoughts on things.

Over the last year I've learned a lot about different things and since I am fond of internet lists... I found that style fitting for this post.

1. Do not ever get annoyed or make comments to someone always staring at their phone. You don't know what that person is looking at or who they are talking to. 90% of the time when I've been "busted" staring at my phone, it's because I'm reading something a friend posted, looking at their pictures, or texting with a friend or family member. I'm not doing it to disregard you. I am doing it to keep in touch with other people in my life.

2. Budget Budget Budget. I never really realized the importance of a budget until I was finally out doing this life thing totally on my own. I get a lot of comments about my lack of financial awareness. "What responsibilities could you possibly have that caused you such financial disrepair?" Well... none. And that's the problem.

3. Spending a lot of time alone doesn't make you lonely. The exact opposite actually. I enjoy time alone because I enjoy time with myself. I can think and say and do literally whatever I want without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. It's really great. I enjoy me. I used to have to have people around me all the time because I really didn't just enjoy "me". But, now that I do... I've found I feel less stressed out and frustrated. And that's the best way to spend a day off.

4. You are you... and I am me. No two people do or say or think or react the same way. One thing doesn't always work for two people and as soon as more people figure this out and start sticking up for themselves, the happier they will become. Don't make someone do something just because it worked for you. Suggest it.. move on.

5. No matter how happy you are somewhere...Go Home. Not like forever, but definitely take trips. I was really incredibly happy here the first 6 months I was here. My happiness has since declined. My homesickness has taken over and it only made me realize that I really need to see my family and friends more than once a year. Analogy: When I first left home I left with a full cup. The cup has slowly been emptied over the year and I've learned that when it gets past that half full point, it's time to pour a little more liquid into it. Letting your glass get less than half full makes it feel less than half empty. Optimism turns to pessimism.

So that's that.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Stop Needing and Start Living

I witness a lot of things go down on Facebook. I see all the posts and the inspirational sappy bullshit that comes along with it. I see the frustration with "stupid" men and "needy" women being put on display via some picture of a desert or forest with a cheesy caption.

Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.

Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.

I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.

"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.

So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.

If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!

Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.

But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

Early Morning Early Warning

My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"

I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.

One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!

2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!

I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.

So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.

Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.

The Real Best Parts About Growing Up With Brothers

So, really, I was raised in a pack of wolves. My brothers are animals. They were absolutely the worst human beings. Just complete down to the core assholes. I mean that in the nicest way.

But that always worked to my benefit. While they both disliked me a majority of our childhood, I could count on either one of them to have my back if anyone was being awful to me. So let's start there.

1. Built In Security System. One of the things I loved about being the baby of the family, is that I was baby of the family with 2 older brothers. Basically, if you were mean to me... you were done. Probably my favorite memory of this in action would be when a kid in elementary school was relentless. He was awful to me. All the time. The school wouldn't do anything and I think my mom was sick of me coming home in tears every single day. So, instead of having smoke blown up her 'a' by the administration once again, she said something to my middle brother. I do believe it was the very next day I witnessed that problem being taken care of. It still warms my heart.

2. Thick skin. Well let's be honest here. Even though I grew up being picked on and tortured.. I'm still a sensitive Sally. But they did teach me a lot of come backs and witty things to say later in life.

3. As adults, I now have 2 built in best friends. So they may not see it this way, but they seriously are 2 of the best friends a girl could have. They are still assholes, but so am I. We treat each other terribly but seriously, when it comes down to the important stuff, they are always there. J more than likely will tell me how completely ridiculous I'm being while B will basically tell me to grow up. They have never sugar coated anything with me. They are the absolute definition of what good tough love is. And I love them for it.

4. Really really really great taste in music. It's true! I like some absolute shit, however, my brothers both gave me an ear for good music. It may have started with our mother as she pretty much had us listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin in the womb, but these two guys seriously instilled a love for all things music in me at an early age. B always loved the heavy stuff. Pantera, Metallica.. you name it. There was a lot of it happening in my house. J was always more diverse and completely different than anyone. Once we downloaded Napster in our house the sky was the limit. I don't mean to sound totally hipster here, but we were listening to stuff before anyone else in our area had ever heard of it. J has always been good about that. He still to this day sends me songs from artists of which I have never heard, and it takes a while for the rest of the world to catch up.

5. I am really choosy. I may end up single forever because of these clowns. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, and really I hope I don't end up single forever, but they've made this dating thing really hard on a girl in a really good way. I look up to these two guys so much and their opinions mean the absolute world to me. I couldn't imagine being with someone, dating someone, marrying someone... if these 2 didn't approve. If they didn't love him, how could I? It's not that hard to be someone these two would like to be around though. Be funny, be nice to their sister, and be ready to have someone pick you apart, make fun of you, and absolutely be ready to give it all back to them. In my family, if you can't take a lot of sarcastic jabbing, then you my friend, will not make it out alive.

Like I said: they're animals. But they're also 2 of my very best friends in the world.

Also, they're going to hate this post and I'm going to get no end of grief for writing it.

The Best Parts About Growing Up With Older Brothers

Nothing.

NC to PA.. A Quick Weekend Trip

What a fast weekend that was!
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.

Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.

I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.

One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.

Hey Ya'll. Have a good one!

My goodness! That's about all I can say about today!

I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.

Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.

So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.

I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.

This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.

Realizations

10 years ago I graduated high school! I couldn’t wait to get out of the ‘hell hole, death trap’ town that everyone was STUCK in and going nowhere!

I couldn’t wait to run away from the 3 MIPs (minor in possessions).

I couldn’t wait to be independent from my parents. I couldn’t wait to get away from the same boring old routines that everyone falls into in this town.

I couldn’t wait to have real options for stuff to do! Anything was possible outside of this town. I couldn’t wait to be away from all the gossip and people talking shit. I really hated people knowing my business and knowing who I was.

I couldn’t wait to make real money and go out and party constantly and never worry about the cops busting it up.

I couldn’t wait to not be referred to as one of my siblings little sisters or have someone know exactly who my mom was.

I couldn’t wait to get away from the small town mentality and close mindedness that everyone in that town possesses.

I’m really glad I grew up.

Fast forward to now. I just graduated college! I cannot wait to leave Dillon but not because it’s a hell hole that I’m stuck in.

I haven’t been in a single bit of trouble since I was 18 and I value my independence above any other trait I possess. I have fallen into a wonderful routine here that I will never regret. I frequent the same bars, same restaurants and I hang out with the same people. And I love all of it!

There is a lot to do here. You just have to be willing to have a little bit of a creative mind and money for beer. There are a lot of possibilities in this town; however, even I know that working PR in this town would be difficult at best.

Not that I’m in the middle of the gossip, but I hear it and no one talks about me. And if they do, I honestly don’t know where their shit talking would come from. I absolutely love that people know me here now. I love it! They may not know me personally but I’ve met people that have ‘heard of me’ and it’s never been a bad thing.

I have literally not made ‘real money’ in my life. I make enough to get by for a single, kid-free person. I’m comfortable. Partying constantly gets old. Yeah, I said it. I love to drink, but I hate to feel it for 4 days afterwards.

I still cringe when someone says “Oh you’re so and so’s little sister!” I hate it. But I’m also secretly proud when these people also say “I love that guy” referring to either brother or “she’s so sweet!” referring to any of my step sisters and if you know my mom count yourself lucky. She’s absolutely amazing and I will fight you to the death over the fact that my mom IS better than your mom.

This town is small town and the people have their own opinions. The only thing that was close-minded was me. I had a complete inability to realize people are entitled to their own opinions...even if I don’t agree with them! It doesn’t make them ‘bad’ people. We just don’t have discussions related to that topic.

Growing up here wasn’t easy, but growing here made me who I am today.

A 2 Part Listicle (pt 1)

One of my favorite parts about the internet is the LISTS. A lot of people hate lists and a lot of writers hate lists. I am neither a person nor am I a writer because on a list of Things I Love:

1. Lists are number 1! I seriously love lists. Especially when lists are happy! A list of things someone loves is probably my favorite thing in the world. You can essentially learn a lot about people by their "list". Also, the more we talk about the things we love, the better off we are. I love you, lists. All of you. 

2. Owls. Long story short, I was being extremely grumpy one day and my weird ass middle brother showed me his impression of a burrowing owl. Which was so stupid and hilarious... I now equate owls with belly laughs. I often refer to them as 'owies' because I'm actually 12 years. My mom bought me some kitchen towels with owls on them. I refer to them as my "owie towies'. *Issues run deep with this one*

3. Really terrible music. It's no secret that I have a tendency to listen to shitty music. Not like universally shitty like Nickelback or Creed. No, it actually might be worse.. because on my current playlist I have such things as Miley Cyrus, One Direction and Selena Gomez. I like to think that the Aesop Rock, Atmosphere and Josh Martinez that are also included on the previously aforementioned playlist allows me some leeway from too much judgement, though. I'm 28 and I will still party like I'm 18 to some pop music.

4. Guys in Hats. Not to be mistaken with guys in cowboy hats, top hats or *shudder* fedoras. I mean ball caps. Not flat billed hats. Ball caps. Like the ones that show off their favorite sports team or store they frequent. Not that a nicely gelled or 'pasted' hair style isn't good with me, there is just something about a hat. Also under the hat is probably messy hair. And who doesn't love messy hair?

5. Orange Beers. Sometimes referred to as the 'beermosa'. I can't get enough of these things. They are refreshing on a hot day, soothing on a stressful day, and perfectly acceptable on a day that reaches 20 below zero. I take mine with Miller Light and OJ. Sometimes a Blue Moon or a Raspberry Wheat Shock Top. Mostly I'm happy with a Miller Light and OJ. I am literally drooling right now.

6. Well gin shots. Warm gin, straight up. Shot glass. Family. It's definitely a family tradition and it is just something we do.

7. Someecards. I have made so many of these things. Here, I'll share a few of my personal favorites that I have made. Feel free to share or save.

There are definitely a lot of things in this life that I love. I have been fortunate enough to find my happiness in these last 6 years and I'm grateful for all the amazing experiences that are to come. 

These are just 7 out of a million. Find your happy in the little things! That's the only advice I know I can give.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

Day 1 #100happydays

Day 1 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and continue to heal from the amount of drinking I did this weekend.

Now that I've addressed that let's start with what made me happy today. Hank! Every time I look down at his adorable little face, messy hair and crooked arms.. I can't help but smile. I've made him cowboy hats, referee jerseys, and I've even given him a mustache or two. I found his best friend Eric while downtown on Christmas Eve a few years ago. They have been inseparable ever since. I brought him a sea shell last year from NC that he adores and he loves bananas, ChapStick, and making new friends.

He is really one of a kind. Well sort of, I did have to buy a whole box of him because he's fragile and his little face falls off after a while. He likes to take selfies or pose with friends. He's versatile like that. 

So he was my #Day1 because he's so simple and adorable. Just like life :)

High Five Your Intuition

Women want a gentleman. Right? I mean for the most part we want someone who falls under this definition:

gent·le·manˈjentlmən/

noun

1.a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.

Let's break that down: 

Chivalrous: behaving in an honorable or polite way especially toward women

Courteous: very polite in a way that shows respect

Honorable: having or showing honesty and good moral character

So basically a gentleman, in today's world, would honor the relationship (no matter how small) he has with a woman. He would respect her enough to get to the bottom of things and not just bail on the relationship (again no matter how small).  There would be a conversation. There would be balls involved. Big ones. Unless of course said gentleman is ball-less. Which, in most of my most recent cases.. this happened to be true. I'm sure of it.

So, what is a 'good moral character'? Is that carrying on multiple relationships with many women at once? Is that trying to figure out which woman he is carrying on with is going to benefit him the most and thus dropping the others like a bad habit when another is more convenient? I don't know about you, but that direction isn't on my own personal moral compass and I'd be hard pressed to find a respectable moral person to actually have that on theirs. 

I guess what I'm getting at here is that... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not you .. it actually is quite literally him. But maybe it's a little bit you and me because aren't we allowing this sort of behavior... right? In a sense? There is smart and then there is intuition. And then there is a smart intuition. 

I would say my intuition needs to be trusted a bit more and I need to give it more credit. 

More high fives and coffee breaks. Definitely. 

Declaring Clarity

Sometimes when we find new information about situations we react. Well we actually always react. But I've learned that one can react in different ways. You can either react by ugly crying into your pillow, or you can react by laughing. You can react by getting irrationally angry, or you can react by going completely insane. Or you can have a neutral response to the information that leaves you feeling strangely calm. It's one of the feelings where you're not sure if you're going to actually eventually explode OR if you're going to just remain calm. 

Something new I found out last night left me laughing. It was another moment of clarity for me. And these moments have been happening -- a lot. Clarity is so beautiful. It's a lot like those moments you're driving through a nasty blizzard and you can't see the road. You slow way down and move over so you don't get run down by a semi. And as you're white knuckling the steering wheel and seriously thinking to yourself that you should turn back and go another day... the wind dies down, the snow slows to a mild flurry and you can finally see the road again. You laugh at yourself for wanting to give up through that mess but you're also extremely relieved to know that you lived through it. The conditions slowed you down, but you didn't give up. Happy tears, crazy laughter and some proverbial pats on the back (because you still don't want to let go of that steering wheel). But at least you can see and at least you feel like you have a little bit of that control back. 

I'm not going to go into the details of what I found out last night because really they're irrelevant. It's just another one of those situations where you want to give your intuition a high five for not actually just being crazy irrational girl thoughts. My heart, head and gut were all working together on this one and for that.. I thank them. 

I continue to be more excited about the future than I was the day before. The unknown is terrifying, unless you are actually creating your own unknown.