Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally. 

Jobs on Jobs on Jobs

Fun Fact: I have always been really good with money

Funn(er) Fact: That changed when I moved.

While I attended school and was full time employed my mom and stepdad were cool enough to let me stay at the house free of charge. So I was able to save! I had a savings account full of the good stuff and I was still having fun, online shopping, going out to eat, and buying ridiculous shit all while still paying my bills and padding that beautiful savings account.

Things change when you add rent, all household bills, and every single expense imaginable when it comes to living on your own 100% totally entirely. One forgets to put a stop to (or at least a limit) on their frivolous spending and they end up thinking credit cards are cool and they rack those up a bit. Then they maybe take out a loan to try to come out ahead and well for the lack of a better term the "f*ck" that up too.

So long story short: My champagne budget turned to a beer one but my tastes remained the same. I knew better. I've always known better.

So this is why I got the 2nd job. I definitely have enough to pay the bills and keep ramen in the house. But if I ever hope to get ahead again the second job is a necessity. So I did that. (I'm not going to include a part in here that more people should do that because that would be judgy and I don't know their situation but really.. more people should do it.) Shoot, I even have a 3 job if you count 2200 Miles (the new custom art business I'm starting)! Can never be too busy or have too many things to do!

I know I'll be a millionaire one day. I know I'll get to go home whenever I want someday (probably on my private jet.) And I know that one day I'll have all these credit cards paid in full, and never to be used again. I also know that because I am who I am.. I'll be okay. Because that's how I see it. Power of positive thinking, thoughts become things... I am manifesting the life I want not by just seeing it and believing it will happen but by making it so....

I am okay!

One Month From Home

It has been a hot minute since I've written anything. I am nearing my first trip home in a year and I have some thoughts on things.

Over the last year I've learned a lot about different things and since I am fond of internet lists... I found that style fitting for this post.

1. Do not ever get annoyed or make comments to someone always staring at their phone. You don't know what that person is looking at or who they are talking to. 90% of the time when I've been "busted" staring at my phone, it's because I'm reading something a friend posted, looking at their pictures, or texting with a friend or family member. I'm not doing it to disregard you. I am doing it to keep in touch with other people in my life.

2. Budget Budget Budget. I never really realized the importance of a budget until I was finally out doing this life thing totally on my own. I get a lot of comments about my lack of financial awareness. "What responsibilities could you possibly have that caused you such financial disrepair?" Well... none. And that's the problem.

3. Spending a lot of time alone doesn't make you lonely. The exact opposite actually. I enjoy time alone because I enjoy time with myself. I can think and say and do literally whatever I want without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. It's really great. I enjoy me. I used to have to have people around me all the time because I really didn't just enjoy "me". But, now that I do... I've found I feel less stressed out and frustrated. And that's the best way to spend a day off.

4. You are you... and I am me. No two people do or say or think or react the same way. One thing doesn't always work for two people and as soon as more people figure this out and start sticking up for themselves, the happier they will become. Don't make someone do something just because it worked for you. Suggest it.. move on.

5. No matter how happy you are somewhere...Go Home. Not like forever, but definitely take trips. I was really incredibly happy here the first 6 months I was here. My happiness has since declined. My homesickness has taken over and it only made me realize that I really need to see my family and friends more than once a year. Analogy: When I first left home I left with a full cup. The cup has slowly been emptied over the year and I've learned that when it gets past that half full point, it's time to pour a little more liquid into it. Letting your glass get less than half full makes it feel less than half empty. Optimism turns to pessimism.

So that's that.

Chase Your Love

I've moved for love before. I moved to Wyoming because of what I thought was love. It was my idea (at the time) of what love is. Basically I moved because I was dependent on that person to make me happy and I've always hated that I moved for a boy.

I've always thought people were absolutely ridiculous for doing the same. Don't do it. That was my mantra. Don't ever move for a guy. Or for love. Or for anything that isn't 100% selfish. Ha.

Okay so fast forward to this morning when I read this article titled: "Staying Is Settling". The article basically outlines different reasons to move. And why we should move often. I have always been a big fan of the moving, the changing, and the different experiences that can come from a move or change.

However, #3 kind of threw me for a loop because it goes against everything I believe when it comes to moving and love.

I've also never looked at love as being the ultimate destination because let's be honest: I am a scrooge, grinch, grump, and just all out against love. Well, I have been in the past. A lot about this journey I am currently on has been discovering different ways to love. Without reservation, without dependency, and with full trust. Willing to fall and not be caught. That's what I'm learning. I can fall... or I can stay still. I've never liked to stay in one place so I am teaching myself to be more willing to fall.

The first line in this particular section of this particular article says this: To chase love is to chase happinesses. I agree that self-love equals happiness. I'll never disagree with that. This sentence held a little more meaning to me though. I took from it that chasing love, whether it's self love or the love of another, is what makes humans happy. Because after all, love is one of our most basic instincts. This was solidified by another line further down: If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.

I loved the point behind this even though I am still up in the air for my feelings on love. I moved to Wyoming for what I thought was love and/or happiness. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But it was an experience regardless of what it actually was or wasn't.

Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. 

Now I'm not saying I would move for love again in a heart beat. No, I'm not saying that at all especially since I have found something quite special here in NC. And that's nothing more than a relationship I have established with myself! However, I am less inclined to find someone to be a total nut job if it's something that they want to do.

Chase your love. Whatever your love is. Make sure you're going after it. And make sure that whatever experience comes from it is worth it for the greater good.

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon

I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am. 

I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.

I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well. 

See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).

Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.

I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.

You're welcome.

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

A New Beginning.. Again

You're all about to go on another adventure with me.

No, I'm not moving again.

I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.

Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!

Soon to be an after! 

Change of Plans

A couple of months ago I had plans for this weekend. Plans that would have determined a lot of different things about my life. If these plans were still in effect as they were a few months ago, the dinner I had with girls from work last night wouldn't have happened. There are other things and people that currently exist in my life that wouldn't exist had these plans not fallen through as well.

I say fallen through as if things just kind of didn't work out. Which they didn't, obviously, but not just circumstance... Anyway.

It's funny... this weekend could have been substantially different than the weekend I am living currently. So even though Thursday isn't technically the weekend it still counts as something that would have never happened. I got to finally see the city. The actual city. It was amazing. My tour guide was hilarious and took me to a lot of vastly different places. From one of the more ghetto areas to an extremely ritzy area. Through uptown and then through NoDa. NoDa is full of hipsters and I found myself strangely drawn to it! There is a lot more to see, I'm sure, and I'm looking forward to checking more of it out eventually.

And then Last night I laughed with girlfriends. I haven't laughed with girlfriends since I left Montana. We told stories and made jokes and just in general got to know each other outside of work. There was very little work talk and really we just talked about our lives and future plans and how we got to where we are today. It was awesome and I think I could really fall into wonderful friendships with these girls. Very happy with where I am in that regard. And then today I finally made it out to Kitty City in Concord. I fell in love with an unexpected little fella. He's white and grey and his name is Thor. I will be changing that name immediately to Kevin. Immediately.

I was going to go around town and do a few more things but upon leaving Kitty City I realized I was absolutely covered in cat hair and while I am not afraid of 'cat lady status', I cannot wear it like a badge of honor because honestly it just looks ridiculous. So I came home and all of these thoughts occurred to me so here I am writing them out for everyone back home to see. That really is the point of all of this. To keep everyone updated.

I'm eating and preying and loving this entire situation and had the plans that fell through not fallen through this weekend... I would be in a substantially different place in my life right now. I am so glad that whatever it was ended because something better has definitely pulled together in my life to show me how absolutely grateful I should be to be who I am.

I left behind all of my friends and all of my family to go on an adventure and while I am absolutely missing every single one of them right now, I assure you all that I couldn't be happier in this current situation.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

When I lived in Dillon (a whole 1.5 weeks ago), I'd get off of work, go home and practically ignore the fact that there was an outside world. If I went straight home after work I typically stayed there. I cannot even fathom doing that here. I used to just sit right down and watch TV. Or sometimes make it to the gym. Mostly though, if I made it home I stayed there.

Here I find myself getting home around 3:50-4pm. I do some things. Put dishes away that I've left out to dry, straighten up my bathroom, make my bed, etc. Then around 5 I always think that's the perfect time to go out and do things. Find some place to shop and/or spend money. Groceries, decorations, nonsense. I try to get to my destinations based on street names alone and most of the time I do just fine. I can now make it from my apartment to Walmart and back without so much as looking at my GPS. It's freeing. It really is.

Last night, I was caught in what can only be describe as a torrential downpour. You ain't neva seen a stawm like we had last nigh'. The lightning was literally striking in the neighborhood across from mine. As I was driving home with a trunk full of stuff for my little abode, I was splashed by this lake that had formed in the middle of the main street. Seconds of not being able to see. I think normally this is a situation in which I would have panicked. Pulled over, cried a little and then put myself together and carried on my way. Last night though I couldn't help but laugh! The driver that splashed me slowed way down and I looked at him and he looked mortified. As if he did it on purpose. I was laughing so hard he probably thinks I'm absolutely crazy. I've never seen such a body of water form in the middle of a road like that.

It's little instances like this that show me how much I've already changed for the better. Now, I always always put all my eggs in one basket. It's just what I do, however, I feel very comfortable saying that this place has honestly made me twice the independent person I was before I got here. I still have yet to find myself in a bar or restaurant by myself. But today is Friday.

Who knows where this night will take me.

A Life Alone is a Life Worth Living (A listicle)

This list is inspired by a friends' Facebook status today. She gave a brief 'pro and con' over living alone.

A week into it and I have a few of my own:

PRO I can literally talk to myself about anything and no one is going to say "Are you talking to me or yourself". It's nice to have these moments with myself. I understand me.

CON I pretty much have to talk to myself all the time because I'm a talker and when there is no one else around to talk to, I'll still continue to talk. I like an audience, but really... I need no audience.

PRO No judgement for any decision made within those walls. Seriously! I can eat dinner pantsless, in bed watching Sex in the City. Dinner can be as healthy as chicken tacos or as bad (but delicious) as Bojangles.

CON No judgement means I can pretty much fall into any and all bad habits without any qualms. Something I need to already check myself on.

PRO Sometimes, I can leave a cup in the sink over night and not feel like the world is going to end. Seriously, I can even leave my plate next to the sink for a little while and not feel a bit guilty about it.

CON There is literally no one but me to clean up after myself so, really, things get cleaned rather quickly. That could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm terrified of these bugs down here and I'm not interested in rooming with any of them.

PRO I don't have to share my new couch.. with anyone. It's pretty amazing really. Sprawl out for a nap and no one is gonna show up to interrupt you. You can also drink wine in the middle of afternoon on your couch without anyone passing judgment! An entire bottle of wine. In a water glass.

CON Opening a bottle of wine is hard. I need a boyfriend and/or a better bottle opener. Just to open it. Then they can leave whilst I drink the whole thing.

PRO After you drink a bottle of wine, it is completely okay to just get down on the floor and do some yoga. It may be considered counterproductive, but the relaxing quality of wine and the soothing quality of yoga combined all together is a really incredible feeling.

CON There are literally zero cons to doing yoga after drinking a bottle of wine.

NC to PA.. A Quick Weekend Trip

What a fast weekend that was!
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.

Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.

I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.

One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.

Hey Ya'll. Have a good one!

My goodness! That's about all I can say about today!

I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.

Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.

So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.

I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.

This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.

Always Grateful

Being sad when you say goodbye to friends and family doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. It actually means that thus far all the choices you have made have been the right ones.

I'm very fortunate to feel this sadness right now. It means that I've been living my life well surrounded by amazing people. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of something new. An adventure. My heart will heal eventually and the sadness I feel will fade but I'll never stop missing the people in my life that have made the last 6 years incredible. 

Even when I do meet my new co-workers and make new friends and fall in love, these people will be a part of my life. The experiences I've had with them will carry me through to my next part of life. 

I'll always be grateful to this town and these people. And I am looking forward to seeing what the next 6 years of my life will develop into. 

Online Dating Observations

Okay so, it's 2014. Most everyone that I know at this point has been on some version of dating site. I've tried a couple. Most recently, I decided to give it another shot because of this move across the country. I figured I could try and make some new friends in advance, however, I've come up short every single time. Maybe it's because I shouldn't be on a dating site to make friends... I am almost certain it's because I am actually the 'meet cute' kind of girl. We're not going to meet sitting on our respective computers, we're going to meet in a grocery store, bowling alley, bar.. somewhere adorable like that. But, it's slowly becoming a realization that I am not meeting any of the Rights online. (Not to discount people who have met their 'others' on dating sites. I know quite a few people actually that have been successful in this way. I'll call them the lucky ones.)

1. If I don't respond, I'm not interested. It's a lot like when someone doesn't respond to me. I can take a hint and move on. You're really not getting it when your "hey beaitufl" goes unanswered? Which takes me to my next point:

2. If there are a lot of lazy spelling errors in your messages, I won't respond. There is the occasional mistype and I get that. Sometimes you transpose letters or auto-correct isn't working to your advantage, but as in the case above, if those are the only two words you're sending me and 50% of it is an error? I'm probably not giving you the benefit of the doubt.

3. Why do you only have pictures of you with other females? If you are trying to attract a woman, any woman, then why are you only posting pictures of yourself with multiple other females? I totally understand you wanting to display how 'attractive' you are to the opposite sex, but if that were true why are you on a dating site? You have 50 friends that are all girls and zero male friends. To me that screams RUN!

4. When I say "I'm actually really independent".. that isn't a bad thing. And it also doesn't mean that "I'm only independent until you come into my life." I don't say these things to make you feel some type of way about me. I seriously mean that my independence is important to me and I can still maintain that even while in a relationship, so don't tell me I won't 'need' to be independent once I meet you.

5. I am looking for new friends is not an invite to proposition me for sex. It does not mean that I am looking for 'friends with benefits' on an online site. I don't think I have to explain this further.

6. No, even online, actually does mean no. This one should actually go along with #5, but I had to reiterate.

7. Please actually read my profile. It's always very obvious to me when guys don't take the time to even skim my profile. It's not even a long read. It's a couple of short sentences about how I am literally looking for friends, what my interests are, and what kind of person (I hope) I am. Asking me questions that can be answered by peeling open your eyes for like 2 seconds is not going to secure a response from me.

8. I don't want your phone number. Not right away, anyway. Mostly because I don't want to give you mine right away because the more that happens the more I risk having to eventually change my number. It's always so unnerving when your second message to me is your phone number. Why? So we can now continue this ever so promising 1 message long relationship via text message? No, please.

9. Not all online daters are shallow. You sent me an 'interested' sign, I checked out your profile. I didn't message you. You then message me and ask how dare I not message you back after you click 'interested'. I must be shallow or just cruel. Right? Or maybe I saw that you're old enough to be my dad, you have 'being awesome' listed as one of your hobbies and you have 5 kids.

10. Cheesy pickup lines online, too? We're all on this site for a common reason. To meet someone new. Whether that person is going to be a new friend, a new relationship or a new whatever. I don't need you to add insult to injury by using any form of pickup line to get me to speak to you. That includes also the cheesy one liner compliments. "Hey beautiful" "Hey cutie pie". I couldn't imagine myself ever sending a message to a random stranger and saying "Hello, handsome!" It just cheapens the whole experience for me.

I just do better meeting people and making friends in person. I have slowly brought myself to this conclusion.

I am going to keep trying and I haven't deleted my account...yet. Like I said before, I know people who have actually been successful in this way! I just don't know if it's the 'way' for me.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

5 Things I Plan on Doing When I Move

1. Starting a brand new daily routine. I am literally going to wake up and do things differently on my very first working day in NC. My current routine has me disheveled and leaving the house in disarray before I head to work. I am going to first make myself a cup of coffee and grab a book or "Drop 7" (favorite phone game) and just breath. I might take myself for a walk (time permitting) or just simply meditate on the day going great. If I end up getting cable, I'll watch the news. Or simply put away the dishes from the night before. Currently I wake up, shower, and leave. I really want that extra time in the morning to just recharge and energize and get ready for the day.

2. I will not frequent the same places twice in a week. I might pick a grocery store and stick to it, however, I am going to not go to the same coffee shops, restaurants, bars, salons, gas stations, or any other little shops I might stop into. This way, I don't get stuck in a bad routine with places that aren't the right fit. I can almost audition different places and might even end up in the place where I make new friends or find the love of my life. But those 2 things won't just be in any old place. They'll be in the 'right' place.

3. I will take myself out on dates. I have never gone to a movie, a restaurant or a bar and just sat completely by myself. If I do that in my home town I won't be alone. I'll inevitably know someone else in that establishment and thus the solo date usually turns into sitting with someone else or another group or what have you. I really want to go to dinner and then a movie completely and totally alone. Maybe stop at a bar on the way home and have a beer or two and then take myself home. Maybe cuddle with myself. That last part is a stretch. I just really want to get to know me. And sometimes the best way to do that is to date yourself. I hope I don't get something stuck in my teeth or say something embarrassing... to myself...

4. I am going to join a gym. This is a given though. My apartment building has a gym and the Y is only 11 minutes from where I'll be living. I need a gym to sustain my sanity. Working out is not only super great for physical health it's also amazing for well-being. I think people say this kind of stuff all the time and a lot of people just roll their eyes - but seriously. It's a brilliant escape and that whole endorphin thing? Not a rumor.

5. I am going to suck it up and talk on the phone. As many of my close friends know, being on the phone is my least favorite part about the day. I am on the phone constantly at work. We talk to Medicare, other providers and sometimes patients. Being on the phone all day basically means I loathe being on the phone after work. However, in order to keep in touch with the brilliant and beautiful people I know back home, I'm going to have to just do it. I have always wanted to change my voice mail to "Hang up and just text me". But, I know I'll soon discover that being on the phone with my favorite people back home will actually be a nice little release. (Along with a bottle of wine.. or 2)

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.