A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

Labor Day '14

Well, we did it. Another Labor Day weekend has come and gone. I flew home to Dillon for my class reunion and also for all the Labor Day shenanigans in general. 

I'm constantly reminded by the company that I keep that I am beyond lucky. In every sense of that word. I saw faces I haven't seen in days, months, and years. I hugged, laughed, sang, drank, talked, and yelled my way through Labor Day weekend. Literally, I have no voice. 

I read something not long ago about how best friends in high school become distant friends and then fall into the acquaintance category. My story is different. Our story. In our story friends from preschool are still some of my best friends. Elementary, junior high, and high school. In my 20s I have found myself only loving these people more. 

Falling right back in step with one another. Creating new memories and telling old stories. 

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in Dillon and to have known the people I know. My heart is full. Not at capacity though as I'm always welcoming new people into the circle and they fall in place with us like they've known us for years. 

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The only thing I need now is some new vocal cords and a liver transplant. 

Dillon, you have proven to me yet again that you are the worlds greatest small town and we're all lucky to know you. 

Early Morning Early Warning

My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"

I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.

One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!

2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!

I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.

So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.

Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.

A Life Alone is a Life Worth Living (A listicle)

This list is inspired by a friends' Facebook status today. She gave a brief 'pro and con' over living alone.

A week into it and I have a few of my own:

PRO I can literally talk to myself about anything and no one is going to say "Are you talking to me or yourself". It's nice to have these moments with myself. I understand me.

CON I pretty much have to talk to myself all the time because I'm a talker and when there is no one else around to talk to, I'll still continue to talk. I like an audience, but really... I need no audience.

PRO No judgement for any decision made within those walls. Seriously! I can eat dinner pantsless, in bed watching Sex in the City. Dinner can be as healthy as chicken tacos or as bad (but delicious) as Bojangles.

CON No judgement means I can pretty much fall into any and all bad habits without any qualms. Something I need to already check myself on.

PRO Sometimes, I can leave a cup in the sink over night and not feel like the world is going to end. Seriously, I can even leave my plate next to the sink for a little while and not feel a bit guilty about it.

CON There is literally no one but me to clean up after myself so, really, things get cleaned rather quickly. That could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm terrified of these bugs down here and I'm not interested in rooming with any of them.

PRO I don't have to share my new couch.. with anyone. It's pretty amazing really. Sprawl out for a nap and no one is gonna show up to interrupt you. You can also drink wine in the middle of afternoon on your couch without anyone passing judgment! An entire bottle of wine. In a water glass.

CON Opening a bottle of wine is hard. I need a boyfriend and/or a better bottle opener. Just to open it. Then they can leave whilst I drink the whole thing.

PRO After you drink a bottle of wine, it is completely okay to just get down on the floor and do some yoga. It may be considered counterproductive, but the relaxing quality of wine and the soothing quality of yoga combined all together is a really incredible feeling.

CON There are literally zero cons to doing yoga after drinking a bottle of wine.

Realizations

10 years ago I graduated high school! I couldn’t wait to get out of the ‘hell hole, death trap’ town that everyone was STUCK in and going nowhere!

I couldn’t wait to run away from the 3 MIPs (minor in possessions).

I couldn’t wait to be independent from my parents. I couldn’t wait to get away from the same boring old routines that everyone falls into in this town.

I couldn’t wait to have real options for stuff to do! Anything was possible outside of this town. I couldn’t wait to be away from all the gossip and people talking shit. I really hated people knowing my business and knowing who I was.

I couldn’t wait to make real money and go out and party constantly and never worry about the cops busting it up.

I couldn’t wait to not be referred to as one of my siblings little sisters or have someone know exactly who my mom was.

I couldn’t wait to get away from the small town mentality and close mindedness that everyone in that town possesses.

I’m really glad I grew up.

Fast forward to now. I just graduated college! I cannot wait to leave Dillon but not because it’s a hell hole that I’m stuck in.

I haven’t been in a single bit of trouble since I was 18 and I value my independence above any other trait I possess. I have fallen into a wonderful routine here that I will never regret. I frequent the same bars, same restaurants and I hang out with the same people. And I love all of it!

There is a lot to do here. You just have to be willing to have a little bit of a creative mind and money for beer. There are a lot of possibilities in this town; however, even I know that working PR in this town would be difficult at best.

Not that I’m in the middle of the gossip, but I hear it and no one talks about me. And if they do, I honestly don’t know where their shit talking would come from. I absolutely love that people know me here now. I love it! They may not know me personally but I’ve met people that have ‘heard of me’ and it’s never been a bad thing.

I have literally not made ‘real money’ in my life. I make enough to get by for a single, kid-free person. I’m comfortable. Partying constantly gets old. Yeah, I said it. I love to drink, but I hate to feel it for 4 days afterwards.

I still cringe when someone says “Oh you’re so and so’s little sister!” I hate it. But I’m also secretly proud when these people also say “I love that guy” referring to either brother or “she’s so sweet!” referring to any of my step sisters and if you know my mom count yourself lucky. She’s absolutely amazing and I will fight you to the death over the fact that my mom IS better than your mom.

This town is small town and the people have their own opinions. The only thing that was close-minded was me. I had a complete inability to realize people are entitled to their own opinions...even if I don’t agree with them! It doesn’t make them ‘bad’ people. We just don’t have discussions related to that topic.

Growing up here wasn’t easy, but growing here made me who I am today.

Always Grateful

Being sad when you say goodbye to friends and family doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. It actually means that thus far all the choices you have made have been the right ones.

I'm very fortunate to feel this sadness right now. It means that I've been living my life well surrounded by amazing people. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of something new. An adventure. My heart will heal eventually and the sadness I feel will fade but I'll never stop missing the people in my life that have made the last 6 years incredible. 

Even when I do meet my new co-workers and make new friends and fall in love, these people will be a part of my life. The experiences I've had with them will carry me through to my next part of life. 

I'll always be grateful to this town and these people. And I am looking forward to seeing what the next 6 years of my life will develop into. 

Online Dating Observations

Okay so, it's 2014. Most everyone that I know at this point has been on some version of dating site. I've tried a couple. Most recently, I decided to give it another shot because of this move across the country. I figured I could try and make some new friends in advance, however, I've come up short every single time. Maybe it's because I shouldn't be on a dating site to make friends... I am almost certain it's because I am actually the 'meet cute' kind of girl. We're not going to meet sitting on our respective computers, we're going to meet in a grocery store, bowling alley, bar.. somewhere adorable like that. But, it's slowly becoming a realization that I am not meeting any of the Rights online. (Not to discount people who have met their 'others' on dating sites. I know quite a few people actually that have been successful in this way. I'll call them the lucky ones.)

1. If I don't respond, I'm not interested. It's a lot like when someone doesn't respond to me. I can take a hint and move on. You're really not getting it when your "hey beaitufl" goes unanswered? Which takes me to my next point:

2. If there are a lot of lazy spelling errors in your messages, I won't respond. There is the occasional mistype and I get that. Sometimes you transpose letters or auto-correct isn't working to your advantage, but as in the case above, if those are the only two words you're sending me and 50% of it is an error? I'm probably not giving you the benefit of the doubt.

3. Why do you only have pictures of you with other females? If you are trying to attract a woman, any woman, then why are you only posting pictures of yourself with multiple other females? I totally understand you wanting to display how 'attractive' you are to the opposite sex, but if that were true why are you on a dating site? You have 50 friends that are all girls and zero male friends. To me that screams RUN!

4. When I say "I'm actually really independent".. that isn't a bad thing. And it also doesn't mean that "I'm only independent until you come into my life." I don't say these things to make you feel some type of way about me. I seriously mean that my independence is important to me and I can still maintain that even while in a relationship, so don't tell me I won't 'need' to be independent once I meet you.

5. I am looking for new friends is not an invite to proposition me for sex. It does not mean that I am looking for 'friends with benefits' on an online site. I don't think I have to explain this further.

6. No, even online, actually does mean no. This one should actually go along with #5, but I had to reiterate.

7. Please actually read my profile. It's always very obvious to me when guys don't take the time to even skim my profile. It's not even a long read. It's a couple of short sentences about how I am literally looking for friends, what my interests are, and what kind of person (I hope) I am. Asking me questions that can be answered by peeling open your eyes for like 2 seconds is not going to secure a response from me.

8. I don't want your phone number. Not right away, anyway. Mostly because I don't want to give you mine right away because the more that happens the more I risk having to eventually change my number. It's always so unnerving when your second message to me is your phone number. Why? So we can now continue this ever so promising 1 message long relationship via text message? No, please.

9. Not all online daters are shallow. You sent me an 'interested' sign, I checked out your profile. I didn't message you. You then message me and ask how dare I not message you back after you click 'interested'. I must be shallow or just cruel. Right? Or maybe I saw that you're old enough to be my dad, you have 'being awesome' listed as one of your hobbies and you have 5 kids.

10. Cheesy pickup lines online, too? We're all on this site for a common reason. To meet someone new. Whether that person is going to be a new friend, a new relationship or a new whatever. I don't need you to add insult to injury by using any form of pickup line to get me to speak to you. That includes also the cheesy one liner compliments. "Hey beautiful" "Hey cutie pie". I couldn't imagine myself ever sending a message to a random stranger and saying "Hello, handsome!" It just cheapens the whole experience for me.

I just do better meeting people and making friends in person. I have slowly brought myself to this conclusion.

I am going to keep trying and I haven't deleted my account...yet. Like I said before, I know people who have actually been successful in this way! I just don't know if it's the 'way' for me.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

5 Things I Plan on Doing When I Move

1. Starting a brand new daily routine. I am literally going to wake up and do things differently on my very first working day in NC. My current routine has me disheveled and leaving the house in disarray before I head to work. I am going to first make myself a cup of coffee and grab a book or "Drop 7" (favorite phone game) and just breath. I might take myself for a walk (time permitting) or just simply meditate on the day going great. If I end up getting cable, I'll watch the news. Or simply put away the dishes from the night before. Currently I wake up, shower, and leave. I really want that extra time in the morning to just recharge and energize and get ready for the day.

2. I will not frequent the same places twice in a week. I might pick a grocery store and stick to it, however, I am going to not go to the same coffee shops, restaurants, bars, salons, gas stations, or any other little shops I might stop into. This way, I don't get stuck in a bad routine with places that aren't the right fit. I can almost audition different places and might even end up in the place where I make new friends or find the love of my life. But those 2 things won't just be in any old place. They'll be in the 'right' place.

3. I will take myself out on dates. I have never gone to a movie, a restaurant or a bar and just sat completely by myself. If I do that in my home town I won't be alone. I'll inevitably know someone else in that establishment and thus the solo date usually turns into sitting with someone else or another group or what have you. I really want to go to dinner and then a movie completely and totally alone. Maybe stop at a bar on the way home and have a beer or two and then take myself home. Maybe cuddle with myself. That last part is a stretch. I just really want to get to know me. And sometimes the best way to do that is to date yourself. I hope I don't get something stuck in my teeth or say something embarrassing... to myself...

4. I am going to join a gym. This is a given though. My apartment building has a gym and the Y is only 11 minutes from where I'll be living. I need a gym to sustain my sanity. Working out is not only super great for physical health it's also amazing for well-being. I think people say this kind of stuff all the time and a lot of people just roll their eyes - but seriously. It's a brilliant escape and that whole endorphin thing? Not a rumor.

5. I am going to suck it up and talk on the phone. As many of my close friends know, being on the phone is my least favorite part about the day. I am on the phone constantly at work. We talk to Medicare, other providers and sometimes patients. Being on the phone all day basically means I loathe being on the phone after work. However, in order to keep in touch with the brilliant and beautiful people I know back home, I'm going to have to just do it. I have always wanted to change my voice mail to "Hang up and just text me". But, I know I'll soon discover that being on the phone with my favorite people back home will actually be a nice little release. (Along with a bottle of wine.. or 2)

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

My #100HappyDays

I wrote a whole post earlier that basically resulted in me feeling worse than I would have had I just let the negativity go. 

So, I'm starting over with this. 

Today is a perfect day! I am still alive.

Shouldn't that be enough? I take so many days for granted by calling them bad days or letting myself be a grump ass all day. Or by letting other people determine how my day is going to go. Shitty drivers, past friends, asshole clerks, loud kids...

Today all I can do is my best and forget about the past. Even yesterday which isn't hard because I drank entirely too much last night anyway. Oh and my brilliant drunk ass sent some texts. Which isn't unheard of for me. But one particular text was really angry and full of really bad grammar. I'm mostly sorry for the grammar. 

Back to the point of this post: tomorrow I am starting #100HappyDays. Inspired by a friend on Instagram. She's a very kind person and her happy posts even make me smile so my happy posts are bound to change my life... Right? 

My number one all time favorite movie in the entire world (Poolhall Junkies) has a quote that I really need to pay more attention to. 

"Every day is a good day, kid..just try missing one once!" Duh

High Five Your Intuition

Women want a gentleman. Right? I mean for the most part we want someone who falls under this definition:

gent·le·manˈjentlmən/

noun

1.a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.

Let's break that down: 

Chivalrous: behaving in an honorable or polite way especially toward women

Courteous: very polite in a way that shows respect

Honorable: having or showing honesty and good moral character

So basically a gentleman, in today's world, would honor the relationship (no matter how small) he has with a woman. He would respect her enough to get to the bottom of things and not just bail on the relationship (again no matter how small).  There would be a conversation. There would be balls involved. Big ones. Unless of course said gentleman is ball-less. Which, in most of my most recent cases.. this happened to be true. I'm sure of it.

So, what is a 'good moral character'? Is that carrying on multiple relationships with many women at once? Is that trying to figure out which woman he is carrying on with is going to benefit him the most and thus dropping the others like a bad habit when another is more convenient? I don't know about you, but that direction isn't on my own personal moral compass and I'd be hard pressed to find a respectable moral person to actually have that on theirs. 

I guess what I'm getting at here is that... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not you .. it actually is quite literally him. But maybe it's a little bit you and me because aren't we allowing this sort of behavior... right? In a sense? There is smart and then there is intuition. And then there is a smart intuition. 

I would say my intuition needs to be trusted a bit more and I need to give it more credit. 

More high fives and coffee breaks. Definitely. 

The Male Selfie

Here's something I've put a lot of thought into. 

Guys taking selfies

Now, girls, we do this a lot. All of us at all ages. Some don't. I shouldn't generalize. But it's rare when you see a guy take a selfie. Guys that take multiple selfies? Even more rare and usually they're flexing a bicep or showing off their ab work. Fine. Guys that take selfies for the sake of taking selfies? Weird. To me it's weird. (I'm talking strictly straight guys) 

I'm in this habit of comparing everyone I meet to my middle brother. He would literally never and has literally never taken a selfie. He also would never be caught dead listening to top 40 hits. He's a guys guy. He doesn't need a beard or even a 5 o'clock shadow to prove that. My oldest brother is the same way. They are actual men. Selfie-less men. (Except for one time my oldest brother took a hilariously bad mustache selfie..but he was overseas and when you fight for our country you are free to do whatever you want). But these two males in my life would never just take a selfie, slap 18 filters on it and post for likes. If they did I would probably make fun of them. Like a lot. All the time. 

Now, not all guys that take selfies are doing it for the sake of the selfie. Some are just way into themselves and their looks and that's fine. You're cute..we get it. Or sometimes they are on a cool vacation with an awesome view in the background! Great! Your nephew is in the picture too! Or your son! Adorable! But some male selfies (melfies?) are annoying to me. Especially when I, a professional selfie taking female, don't even post that many attention seeking selfies. 

Oh you're wearing a different hat! No hat! New sunglasses! New shirt? I don't care. 

Just stop. Or at least slow down. Or stop. Something. 

So that's my stance on the melfie. 

Declaring Clarity

Sometimes when we find new information about situations we react. Well we actually always react. But I've learned that one can react in different ways. You can either react by ugly crying into your pillow, or you can react by laughing. You can react by getting irrationally angry, or you can react by going completely insane. Or you can have a neutral response to the information that leaves you feeling strangely calm. It's one of the feelings where you're not sure if you're going to actually eventually explode OR if you're going to just remain calm. 

Something new I found out last night left me laughing. It was another moment of clarity for me. And these moments have been happening -- a lot. Clarity is so beautiful. It's a lot like those moments you're driving through a nasty blizzard and you can't see the road. You slow way down and move over so you don't get run down by a semi. And as you're white knuckling the steering wheel and seriously thinking to yourself that you should turn back and go another day... the wind dies down, the snow slows to a mild flurry and you can finally see the road again. You laugh at yourself for wanting to give up through that mess but you're also extremely relieved to know that you lived through it. The conditions slowed you down, but you didn't give up. Happy tears, crazy laughter and some proverbial pats on the back (because you still don't want to let go of that steering wheel). But at least you can see and at least you feel like you have a little bit of that control back. 

I'm not going to go into the details of what I found out last night because really they're irrelevant. It's just another one of those situations where you want to give your intuition a high five for not actually just being crazy irrational girl thoughts. My heart, head and gut were all working together on this one and for that.. I thank them. 

I continue to be more excited about the future than I was the day before. The unknown is terrifying, unless you are actually creating your own unknown. 

My Little Cliche

Even after the worst storms.. the sun does come out.

This sounds so cliche but it also is SCREAMING at me. Thisismylife!!

I have had beyond anxiety for the last 2 days. Just heart pounding, tired, anxious anxiety!

Today the rain stopped and the sun came out and it was at the moment I realized: this is life and it's mine.

I can literally map out my life to be any way that I want it to. I am moving to NC. So my dream of landing on the east coast is coming to fruition. I have a degree in public relations. So my dream of doing something I love is coming to fruition. So my other dreams? The ones I've thought recently to be completely unattainable? They must be right around the corner. It's these kind of moments in my life that remind me of who I am, why I'm here and what I'm capable of.

I have dreams of finding friends in NC. I have dreams of finding love. I have dreams of finding the perfect public relations job with that brilliant corner office and millions of windows. I have dreams of having a white picket fence around my beautiful little home where I live with my future husband and our golden retriever. Notice I didn't say kids, they still aren't part of the dream. (Sorry mom).

My first step will be to just get to NC and start living out there like I have been there my whole life. I'm going to frequent coffee shops and have 'my usual.' I'm going to sit at a bar by myself after work. you know the ones with people in suits and drinking martinis? Maybe I'll have to start drinking martinis. Does a shot of gin count? The grocery store clerks are going to come to love the witty banter I bring to their lines. I might make friends with a security guard in the museums I visit often. It's a city with things and people and places. All the nouns are there!

I'm capable of more than someone else's opinion of me. And all it took was a little storm for me to realize that.

Labor Day 2014

I cannot believe I had to book a flight home for Labor Day. It's basically the only holiday I will be able to come home for this year. Which is fine. I know Thanksgiving and Christmas are typically family holidays and they are good ones to gather with friends, however, I've never been into them. I've tried. I've tried to find the Christmas spirit but ever since one terribly lonely Christmas when I lived in Wyoming... the feeling just hasn't been there.

I was literally left by myself at my apartment because I wasn't technically invited to my ex's parent's house for Christmas. We were living together at the moment and even that didn't deem me worthy of an invite. Those people just flat didn't like me. I've never had someone's parents, regardless of religious background, just not like me. I'm a people person. Don't get that mistaken for a people pleaser -- I am anything but a people pleaser.

Ha. Another 'oh well' moment in my life!

Anyways, a lot of people are asking "Why Labor Day?" Well for a couple of reasons, really. It's my 10 year high school reunion, it's my favorite holiday, and it's a time when I know I can see all of my favorite people in one place for a weekend. It'll be a short lived weekend for me but I'm sure it'll be full of memories. It might be my last Dillon Labor Day so I fully plan on making the most of it. Which I usually do ...

Short and sweet.