Mindful Ignorance

I quit smoking.

It's been 12 days. That first week was pure hell. My head was in a vice grip and someone was definitely spraying fog directly into my face and my ears were full of cotton. My mouth tasted like I had sucked on pennies every morning when I woke up only to be made worse when I brushed my teeth. Gum did nothing and actually the taste ruined every piece of gum I would chew. Food tasted weird and I basically ate all the food so I can tell you first hand... it all tasted weird.

It was hard to sleep. I had to actually stay in bed in the mornings for fear that the morning habit of 6 cigarettes while playing Angry Birds or Toy Blast would rear it's ugly head and take over my life.

Oh but crying at your desk for 3 days and somehow hiding that from all of the people you work with and managing to get work done is actually quite the treat.

I tried the patch on day 1 but it burned and itched and I just couldn't even. Literally. Could. Not.

I drank so much water during the day that I was up 3 or 4 times a night peeing. Milk was actually the God send. It would get the taste to go away for a few minutes. But it would come back and then my mouth would feel gross from having drank milk. So I was still losing.

Day 6 the fog started clearing! The vice grip was loosening! My mouth still tasted like I stored spare change in it, but things were finally improving.

And then a few days later I tried to think about smoking. About the actual action of it. Nothing. I can't remember a thing. I can't remember holding a cigarette, lighting a cigarette, inhaling.... nothing. I remember nothing about being a smoker. And it is the most shocking and amazing feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.

And I can only assume, because I am well aware that not every person in my life actually believes in me or has my best interests at heart, that people will think I'll have a cigarette in my hand again and fail. Again. Because I've started and stopped a lot of things in my life.

I've started and stopped weight loss programs, guides, goals, destinations.

I've started and stopped television shows and paintings. Hell, I can't even listen to a full song on the damn radio because sometimes I change my mind. Okay, all the time I change my mind. There are a few magical songs in the universe that I will listen to all the way through. Mostly "Hello I love you" by The Doors and "Ashes" by Josh Martinez. To name a few. Oh and "Puppets" and "Trying to Find a Balance" by Atmosphere. Anyway......

I don't finish a whole lot that I start. I am aware of this. I abruptly stop friendships because sometimes it's easier to just walk away from people than it is to say "Hey, I think this friendship isn't working out for me." Because people always demand a reason. And I don't always have one.

I don't have a reason for why I start and stop anything. Sometimes I think I'll enjoy something, realize I don't.. and then I jet. I get uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. And I am pretty in tune with my feelings and emotions and if I'm not feeling something.... I bail.

And 12 days ago at 3:30pm on a Monday afternoon in my dad's temporary front yard.. I bailed on cigarettes. Before I walked outside to do the damn thing my Gma told me "You know Grandpa Dwight quit by saying "This was my last cigarette" at the end of the last cigarette he smoked. And it was. He just quit."

So that's what I did. I said goodbye to an addiction I had for a very long time. I sucked it down to the filter like I often did. But, you know what I noticed? Which was probably true with every other cigarette I smoked... I didn't even pay attention to the act of smoking it. I wasn't even mindfully aware that I was smoking. I was looking at my phone and just inhaling and exhaling. I found that odd. That after so many years of the same habit and the same motion I realized on my very last one that I didn't even pay attention to the damn thing. I loved something I didn't even pay attention to.

Could you imagine? Loving something so much and being so afraid to live without it yet... you never pay it any mind when it's in your hand? Going into your lungs? Making you cough and sound like you definitely have emphysema?

Yet after that moment I realized I do the very same thing with something that actually has treated me well for 31 years of my life. My very own body. I've treated this thing like absolute shit! And I literally could not live without it... and I do love what it has done for me. Yet I was still making so many choices that seriously affected the health of it. I mean, I didn't become overweight by feeding my body a healthy diet and giving it exercise on the regular.

Which brings me to another blog for some other time.

For now I just want to say this: You can doubt me all you want. You can believe that I won't stick to absolutely anything in my life because I never have. But, hear this.... I have never in my life felt more confident or sure of myself than the moment I realized that quitting smoking literally means I can do and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

I believe in myself and I'm not sure I've ever been able to say that and actually mean it.

Quick Thoughts

I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts  were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.

Let's clear some things up. Here and now

1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.

2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.

3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.

4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.

5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.

6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.

Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.

An Apology of Sorts

To the right one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.

You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.

So I'm not sorry at all.

A FairyTale

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had no idea the power she possessed. She absolutely loves to have conversation with anyone and everyone. She is a brilliant communicator whether she's speaking or writing. She is hilarious and smart. She can burn you in such a way it makes you love her for it. She can pick up a paintbrush and some 50 cent paints and create. Period. Whatever it is...she can do it. She always made friends easily. That was never the problem. The problem with this beautiful girl was that she didn't believe any of it. She lost her new friends, she felt like she had to be fake in order to keep people in her life, and she was never quite herself to people she had just met. It was hard for her to accept that people liked her for her. The friendships she had for 20+ years just always seemed to stay no matter what she did so she could handle that. New people? She felt like she had to be a version of herself that suited them and not let people see her weakness.

Falling in love was easy for her. She did it often. Or so she thought. The feelings she craved she forced. She had a very vivid imagination so it was easy for her to make believe that she was living in the fantasy world she saw on TV and read in books. She felt like the knot in her gut and the daily crying were just part of what love was. "This is butterflies!" she thought to herself. And soon they were. Not knowing that her intuition was yelling at her. Subtly at first and then it grew louder and louder until she broke. The relationship would crumble and the girl would move on to the next one. Never once did she address the knot in her stomach. She just let it grow.

One day, the girl met a boy. This boy was special. He had so many interesting things about him she figured this must be the one. The one that would be the everlasting love she's been looking for. He wasn't much of a talker but that was okay to the girl. He was attractive and funny. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with this boy that hardly spoke. She spoke enough for the both of them, she thought. The knot returned. The tears flowed like water. "Yay love! Just what I've been looking for!" Then it all came crashing down. The boy wasn't really interested in anything serious with the girl. He really enjoyed their friendship and cared about her a lot but he just wasn't ready for anything set in stone. All the girl heard was "I care about you" and continued on blindly. Finally it became obvious to the girl that the boy was slipping away from her. "He can't leave.." she thought "I need him." And just like that... he was gone. The girl was left empty again.

But this time it was different. "Why can't anyone love me? Why won't anyone just stay? I'm not loveable. I'm not good enough." She called into work. She couldn't even muster the courage to get out of bed. She couldn't face the day knowing that she had yet another failed relationship under her belt. Oh man and everyone that was so happy for her? So what now she has to explain it to all of them? Let them down? She was let down yet again by an evil boy. She was angry with the boy. This was all his fault. He could have just loved her and made her life so much easier.

Now, this whole time, the girl had a friend telling her all kinds of things she didn't think she needed to listen to. Like how she needed to take a break from guys and work on herself! The girl couldn't believe that. Why did she need to work on herself when as soon as she found someone to love her she would feel whole and good and right? This friend isn't an ordinary friend though. This friend is special. She's like a fairy Godfriend...which is like a fairy Godmother but she's not an old woman with silver hair and a wand. She's a wonderfully brilliant woman that always tried to build the girl up. Show her what was amazing about her. Of course the girl never believed her. She figured her friend was only saying these things because they were friends and she was saying them out of obligation.

Until one day, the girl had a conversation with someone who didn't know her. This woman seemed to dissect the girl bit by bit. She told the girl all the really great things about her that the girl tended to ignore or just couldn't see. She gave the girl the tools she would need and should be using in order to love herself. "Love myself?" the girl thought. It was a foreign concept. The girl had spent 30 years of her life thinking that someone needed to love her and then her life would be set and didn't ever in a million years imagine that if that someone loving her WAS her that everything would change. So she said "What the hell!" and decided to give it a go.

First, the woman told her she was not allowed to date during this process... Which was easy for the girl because she had already made up her mind that men were scum and she was mad at all of them for treating her so horribly.

Second, the woman wanted the girl to speak to herself lovingly and sweetly. No more harsh words and no more putting herself down.

So she began..

"Love myself. I love myself. I feel stupid. I LOVE myself. I love MYSELF. I am an idiot."

But the more she worked on it... the more she believed.

Then, the woman wanted her to really look back at her past relationships. What were the commonalities? What happened over and over? And what could be learned from each of them? As the girl wrote, the tears flowed. The pain that was coming up from a relationship that crashed and burned almost 10 years ago was enough to make her shut her journal and just cry. She couldn't believe it. When that relationship ended the girl didn't feel a thing and now all of a sudden she was working through some serious anger and pain and emotion. By the time the girl opened her journal again and got to the last two relationships she was fired up! She was angry with every stroke of her pen. Everything that hurt, everything that made her angry, everything! The girl could see in every word she wrote how little she valued herself. How much she hated herself. How the lack of love she had for herself shaped every relationship she's been in.

The girl had found it. She found the love for herself. She found her heart and her soul and what she was craving and missing. And that wasn't love from her mom, her dad, her friends, a man...


She found the most pure and true love that could ever exist. She was finally in love with herself.

And she lived happily ever after.

(You might be thinking that ending was rather abrupt.. is it that easy? Fall in love with yourself and the rest of your story will be happily ever after? Well, I am here to tell you... it is that f*cking easy.)

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!

5 Stars!

Every time a relationship ends I feel horrible. Another failed relationship under my belt! And I don't exactly look inside myself to find out why...No. I just blame the other person. When in reality the other people were never really that horrible. To me..for what I want and for what i deserve? Yah. Horrible. But in general I've dated the average guy who really gave me exactly what I expected from them because of how little I value myself. I allowed every single bit of the treatment. When in reality about a month into any of these relationships I should have ran. Some in fact...should have made me run before I even got wrapped up in them. I should have "read the reviews". 

I am a pretty smart shopper. I hardly buy a product in a store without knowing everything about it. I read through all the bad reviews and see the general consensus before I even think about making a purchase. I skim the good. In fact I hardly read the good. Because the good isn't what's helpful. Sure I love to know when 3000 people out of 4500 loved a book or a coffee maker. But the truth lies in those 1500 who weren't satisfied. With those kind of odds I'm betting I'll enjoy it, get a lot of use out of it, and maybe even love it. The problem is, there's no dating review site for men and women to join. A site where we all can look up our potential partners and read what their exes thought of them

Well Brad here got a 4.5 out of 5 stars! He was a great boyfriend to 25 women! 4 thought he was a tool but hey I like those odds! Oh and Mark only got a 1.5 out of 5. Wow. Those 27 women were really irritated by his lack of commitment but 2 souls out there thought he was just the keenest. 

This doesn't exist. We can't do this. And it would honestly be super creepy to write a review about an ex. "Well Mike was nice at first until I sobered up and realized he was a complete loser with 2 children he's hardly taking care of and I'm pretty sure he's lying about his job. Oh and my friends are certain he's a meth head" (actual review of a guy I dated once upon a time). 

But if I could just read the signs like I read reviews I'd be light years ahead of myself. I'd probably be with the guy who called first, texted back, traveled with me, cooked me dinner, made me coffee, loved my mom, joked around with my dad, and the guy that my brothers absolutely adored. The signs lie in our stomachs. Those pings and tings...the butterflies, the flips. This thought all came about because one of my best friends told me recently that she waits until all of those rose colored glasses are cleared up, the buzz, the excitement...and then she makes a decision about a guy. Whether or not he's actually good enough for her or if it was just the honeymoon phase that made her think it so. These are like our internal reviews. Our hearts and stomachs are giving these guys a 5 of 5. However, our brains are giving the realness. The bad reviews. 

I am too busy living in the land of rose colored butterflies that flip and ting to realize that someone isn't good enough for me. Because that feeling..that heightened happiness we all should feel has blurred my meter. It's made me ignore the stuff that bugs the shit out of me. The stuff that my (somewhat) logical brain is feeding me is where the real truth is. Always always read and consider the bad reviews before making a final decision. 

The glasses (and gloves) are off. 

Put Me In Coach

My whole life I've been the girl with the pretty face. The girl with the hot friends. The girl with the hot brothers. The girl with the good personality. The big girl.

The girl who settles for someone who will settle for her.

I find that if I go for less than what I deserve maybe they'll settle for me. I somehow feel like I've deserved the things I've been dealt. The relationships that have left me torn apart. The friends that have walked all over me. The guys who want a good time..not a long time. The guys who aren't honest, don't communicate, aren't willing to go above any measure, who aren't able to commit to just me... I've always told myself I don't deserve better than this. I always though I was just the girl someone settles for. Not someone anyone would want to seriously be with. All because of how I look.

I've always felt like I don't deserve to even really put my foot down and demand things in a relationship because look at me! Why would I deserve anyone who calls when they say they will? Wants to see me often? Wants to buy ME dinner? Wants to surprise me with fun gifts? Initiates conversation? Who smiles when I text them? Who wants to be in an actual relationship with me and not this half assed open relationship new age bullshit?

I tell people I'm not comfortable with other people paying for things for me. Movie tickets, dinners, drinks... The truth is I don't feel like I deserve any of that stuff. Like I don't deserve someone to want to spoil me and make me feel cared for! Treat me like I'm half a person because that's how I feel.

On paper I'm a dream girl. I'm laid back, hilarious, great conversationalist, I get along with anyone, I have amazing friends, I have a great job and I make my own money, I care about people with my whole heart, I'm goofy and unconventional,  I try to always be there for people who need me, I'm generous and I like to make sure everyone is having a good time, I'm curious and intelligent. I'm so many damn good things.

But because I'm a big girl I've put up with mediocre bullshit from all kinds of people.

And today...that all ends. Well yesterday. But I'm just writing this today. So today.

Because I am not my body, I'm not my weight, and I'm not my size.

I feel like I met myself for the first time last night during my very first session with a life coach. Yah. You read that right. A life coach. Because some of us have struggles and some of us have read every self help book out there and some of us don't know how to end the cycle and just love ourselves fully and completely.

Sportsing people didn't just learn to sports because they picked up their sports ball. They had a coach.

I just happened to not know how to life...so I hired a life coach.

A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people.