Lessons in Expecting

I have been trying to read the Four Agreements for months. Occasionally things happen in my life that make me hyper aware that I need to make some very big changes in my life. 

No location or job change or anything like that. But with the way I process things and the way I handle disappointment and situations that are just in general less than ideal. 

Lately one of the “agreements” from the book that has been popping into my head is the one about not taking things personally. It’s kind of an “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. And quite honestly it has nothing to do with you! It really should be a reflection of that person. 

I expect a lot. I don’t mean I have high expectations. I just often expect things to go a certain way and when they don’t I definitely handle it poorly. I am never prepared for the let down because I honestly work myself into believing there won’t be one. Spoiler: there’s always a let down in expectation. Expectation is the mother of disappointment. Someone like myself who has had constant disappointments should really be used to this and know how to handle things better. I haven’t learned that yet. With each disappointment has come a sliver of a lesson though. Just a tiny sparkle of it. 

Now to circle back around to the beginning statements about not taking things personally. I take disappointment very personally. I take let downs right into my soul and I am constantly having to pick myself back up after it happens. I try not let it make me cold or hardened, but to be honest it’s gettin harder and harder. I’m a pretty negative optimist. Or maybe I’m a positive pessimist? I get my head in the clouds over certain situations and I forget to come back down to earth and check out the reality of it. 

I am going to spend the rest of 2018 learning. Learning how to re-wire my expectations and learn how to essentially expect disappointment. I will probably continue to hope for the best but unless something is in black and white and right in front of my face, I am not going to let it control any emotion or get me buzzed. 

I am going to learn how to not take things so personally. Good and bad. It’s been 7 months of “expectation/disappointment” cycles. Well, let’s be honest.. these cycles have spanned a good portion of my 32 years. 

I want off the merry-go-round. I’m starting to get dizzy. 

Mindful Ignorance

I quit smoking.

It's been 12 days. That first week was pure hell. My head was in a vice grip and someone was definitely spraying fog directly into my face and my ears were full of cotton. My mouth tasted like I had sucked on pennies every morning when I woke up only to be made worse when I brushed my teeth. Gum did nothing and actually the taste ruined every piece of gum I would chew. Food tasted weird and I basically ate all the food so I can tell you first hand... it all tasted weird.

It was hard to sleep. I had to actually stay in bed in the mornings for fear that the morning habit of 6 cigarettes while playing Angry Birds or Toy Blast would rear it's ugly head and take over my life.

Oh but crying at your desk for 3 days and somehow hiding that from all of the people you work with and managing to get work done is actually quite the treat.

I tried the patch on day 1 but it burned and itched and I just couldn't even. Literally. Could. Not.

I drank so much water during the day that I was up 3 or 4 times a night peeing. Milk was actually the God send. It would get the taste to go away for a few minutes. But it would come back and then my mouth would feel gross from having drank milk. So I was still losing.

Day 6 the fog started clearing! The vice grip was loosening! My mouth still tasted like I stored spare change in it, but things were finally improving.

And then a few days later I tried to think about smoking. About the actual action of it. Nothing. I can't remember a thing. I can't remember holding a cigarette, lighting a cigarette, inhaling.... nothing. I remember nothing about being a smoker. And it is the most shocking and amazing feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.

And I can only assume, because I am well aware that not every person in my life actually believes in me or has my best interests at heart, that people will think I'll have a cigarette in my hand again and fail. Again. Because I've started and stopped a lot of things in my life.

I've started and stopped weight loss programs, guides, goals, destinations.

I've started and stopped television shows and paintings. Hell, I can't even listen to a full song on the damn radio because sometimes I change my mind. Okay, all the time I change my mind. There are a few magical songs in the universe that I will listen to all the way through. Mostly "Hello I love you" by The Doors and "Ashes" by Josh Martinez. To name a few. Oh and "Puppets" and "Trying to Find a Balance" by Atmosphere. Anyway......

I don't finish a whole lot that I start. I am aware of this. I abruptly stop friendships because sometimes it's easier to just walk away from people than it is to say "Hey, I think this friendship isn't working out for me." Because people always demand a reason. And I don't always have one.

I don't have a reason for why I start and stop anything. Sometimes I think I'll enjoy something, realize I don't.. and then I jet. I get uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. And I am pretty in tune with my feelings and emotions and if I'm not feeling something.... I bail.

And 12 days ago at 3:30pm on a Monday afternoon in my dad's temporary front yard.. I bailed on cigarettes. Before I walked outside to do the damn thing my Gma told me "You know Grandpa Dwight quit by saying "This was my last cigarette" at the end of the last cigarette he smoked. And it was. He just quit."

So that's what I did. I said goodbye to an addiction I had for a very long time. I sucked it down to the filter like I often did. But, you know what I noticed? Which was probably true with every other cigarette I smoked... I didn't even pay attention to the act of smoking it. I wasn't even mindfully aware that I was smoking. I was looking at my phone and just inhaling and exhaling. I found that odd. That after so many years of the same habit and the same motion I realized on my very last one that I didn't even pay attention to the damn thing. I loved something I didn't even pay attention to.

Could you imagine? Loving something so much and being so afraid to live without it yet... you never pay it any mind when it's in your hand? Going into your lungs? Making you cough and sound like you definitely have emphysema?

Yet after that moment I realized I do the very same thing with something that actually has treated me well for 31 years of my life. My very own body. I've treated this thing like absolute shit! And I literally could not live without it... and I do love what it has done for me. Yet I was still making so many choices that seriously affected the health of it. I mean, I didn't become overweight by feeding my body a healthy diet and giving it exercise on the regular.

Which brings me to another blog for some other time.

For now I just want to say this: You can doubt me all you want. You can believe that I won't stick to absolutely anything in my life because I never have. But, hear this.... I have never in my life felt more confident or sure of myself than the moment I realized that quitting smoking literally means I can do and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

I believe in myself and I'm not sure I've ever been able to say that and actually mean it.

The Game Changer 2016

Hi Lisa!
I am one of those 30 year old girls that always ends up on the shitty end of the breakup. I have confidence until I get into a relationship. I've read every "self help" book and listened to every podcast. I get inspired like someone lit a fire under me for a bit...and then I crash. I get so needy in a relationship but yet I pay for everything. Needy emotionally ...but financially sound.

My friend says I don't have enough self worth to really stand my ground and get what I deserve. Yes I have weight to lose and that hinders my self esteem but I know there are a million other wonderful things about me that I need to protect. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I won't end up alone but I'm sick of being walked on. I am so angry with men yet I know really I should be angry with myself for allowing the bad behaviors.
I've listened to every single one of your podcasts and I just absolutely love your view points.
Help? -Katie

I sent this on 6/10/2016. And to say this email changed my life is an understatement. From that day forward I hired Lisa Hayes to tell me how to live my life. I needed it. I needed someone to coach me into adulthood. All of these relationship issues were just the tip of the iceberg. The next few months, every time I talked to Lisa I would end up in tears. Because it wasn't at all about being bad in relationships or the dreaded "being needy" that most women are accused of. I truly disliked myself. Everyone else was placed so much higher than I placed myself.

Reading the above email is hilarious to me now. To be completely and 100% honest I reached out to her hoping I could learn something to fix my most recent failed relationship. Maybe if I changed... I could somehow get him to come back. Throughout the process I kept thinking though "If only HE saw how much I have changed and how better I am." It wasn't until probably the 2nd month I was in this thing with Lisa that everything clicked. What I ended up learning was how much I didn't need or want that relationship or anymore similar relationships to exist again. 

I was finally growing a relationship with myself. I know people don't always struggle with this. This "self love" thing comes so naturally to some so this process of hiring a life coach and having to work on it when I'm 30 is probably a little... kooky to some people. And that's fine. You can definitely have your opinions on it.  I needed this. I didn't know I was okay. Before all of this, I didn't know people could like me just because they liked me. I always thought everyone had an angle. I always felt that if I didn't act a certain way people would leave. Because people have left. And I put it all on me and blamed myself. 

2016 was my best year yet because I finally figured out how to love myself. It's necessary and required. And it's the foundation for all other love. 

For 2017 I resolve...
To build my relationship with myself. 
To continue to take care of myself first. 
To paint as often as possible.
To continue to be happy.