My Brain is so jumbled.
All the time. Constantly pinging between thoughts. I forget
easy words and misplace my debit card more than any human should. I struggle
with self-acceptance to the point where I have turned every person in my life
into some kind of a demon who can turn against me at any moment. All in my mind
of course! I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love or the friendships I have been
given. As a matter of fact, I bounce between friendship struggles from time to
time. Always feeling like I’m being picked over. Not good enough. Probably
annoying to this person or that person. I am certain 76% of the people in my
life see me as a child. I can’t prove that they think this. Only that I get a
vibe from everyone…
The vibe I’m referring to is the one that sinks deep into my
chest. A feeling of a physical rock chilling somewhere near my breastbone. It’s
a hard thing to describe. It’s both an empty space and a dull ache. Like a rock
shaped hollow. Like a geode. So at least it’s pretty…
I have never had a normal intimate relationship because of
this. I’ve spent most relationships assuming I’m not good enough anyway and
they will eventually just leave. I used to think this was because of things
that happened when I was younger. I always blamed outwardly on this one.
The classic “my parents got divorced so everyone leaves”
mentality left me basically deciding that eventually every guy will see I am
not worth any(more) time or effort and ditch out. I constantly hold on tight to
people for fear they’ll just bust out. Leave. Ghost. Disappear. Cease to exist.
I try to play it cool. Like I’m the calm cool and collected type. Please. I am
constantly panicked. My heart always racing and my head swimming. Thoughts of
abandonment which quickly turn to the self-blame and hatred.
I’ve been seeing a therapist since January. She is a doll.
To say the least. She has made me so much more self-aware it’s almost uncanny.
I can see my exact train of though rolling through like it’s on schedule.
“Right on time! Here comes the bullshit... Choo-Choo”. During a few of the
sessions she mentioned the letters ADHD to me. The first time she mentioned it
I was denying it through damn near gritted teeth. “No, not a chance. That was
never in my childhood and that isn’t me… Nope”. The second time she brought it
up it was brief, and we didn’t even really discuss it being “me”. Mostly just
used in context of … honestly, I can’t even remember now. But it wasn’t me.
The 3rd time, as they say, was the charm though.
I don’t remember what we were talking about when she brought it up this most
recent time, but I do remember it felt like someone was tapping me in the
center of the forehead. She suggested I kick the caffeine for a few days and
see how I feel. I almost sought out a different therapist with that thought
alone. NO COFFEE?! How ... in the actual… Alright well I tried it. For roughly 5
hours… I know I need the flavor of coffee at the very least, so I switched to
decaf to compromise with myself (honestly, I was trying to trick myself and it
was so beyond hopeless.)
I’m not sure you can even call what happened at work that
day actually “work”. It was more like I was temporarily transformed into Derek
Zoolander dressed like a monkey trying to get the files off the brightly
colored Mac computer. I couldn’t even think straight. I can’t even recall all
the details but around noon I was over feeling like a zombie and I gave in to
the sweet sweet caffeine in the breakroom. And maybe placebo effect is to blame
but I felt instant satisfaction and my brain re-focused and I was able to
stumble through the last few hours of the day. It was really at that moment
though I decided this ADHD thing might be holding some water. I never really
realized how much I lacked focus at work. Mind you, a few reviews/conversations
with my boss led to me writing every. single. thing. down that she assigned to
me. I have lists to complete lists to complete tasks to complete processes to
set reminders to create a list.
I cannot function without a good list. Everything gets
written down. If it’s even the least bit important I jot it down.
So, I knew I needed to get an actual evaluation before I
could really get things in motion. Real frustrating and long story short on
this part… I found a psychiatrist that specializes in mood disorders and
learned just last night that combined type ADHD is my God given right. Or mood
disorder. Or whatever. In finding this out I’ve learned that there are a lot of
things (see all the above) that have basically been controlled by my mis-wired
brain. I’m not going to say my brain is bad… or that it is wrong… but it’s just
wired differently. There are all these things that are related to it… Rejection
Sensitive Dysphoria, Emotional Dysregulation, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder,
etc. (Look at all those ‘dys’!)
Now all I can do is hope the treatment plan is at least on
the right path to some normalcy. I sincerely hope people in my life know that
I’m going to try not to use this as a crutch, but I do want you all to know
(those who have stuck by and those who have taken steps back) I am working on
something that is bigger than me. I just really need you all to be in my corner
about this if I do start crutching. There will be some things that come up in
my day to day that are part of the ADHD. My insecurities aren’t going to just
go away. My need to hold on to people tightly isn’t going to dip lightly
either. Would’ve been a lot cooler to have a handle on this sooner!
Standby though, ya’ll.
I fully plan on learning all I can about this disorder and
doing what I can to make it my bitch.
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