Showing posts with label hopeful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hopeful. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Love..... friend or foe?
I really love love.
Watching my friends find these partners in life that they can share all their ups and down with. It is absolutely beautiful and amazing. This weekend I was in yet another wedding. (Always a bridesmaid...) and watching him watch her when she's doing absolutely anything and seeing his face glow.. that's the good stuff. There are so many wonderful men out there that are loving and kind. That are sweet and funny. That are not only good friends of mine but are taking care of the hearts of good women in my life!
But you know what? I am really okay being single. I'm not sought after. I don't have a ton of dudes breaking down my door or blowing up my phone. I get ghosted on a lot. Guys just stop talking to me out of the blue. And when I actually do get hit on ... well. It's not by anyone I would actually want to date. Drunk guys in a bar do not count.
For many years I didn't go much longer than a week without having to find someone to entertain me. Someone to text with, talk to, flirt with... I just needed it. So I always looked for it and pushed for it.I don't need it anymore. I don't want it. I have this massive wall up that keeps me from even looking at a guy like he could be something because honestly, I think most of you are a joke.
Talking to one of my best friends the other day about a new guy she's been seeing. She was GUSHING over this guy. Telling us how great he is. And we were FAWNING and GUSHING right back. You know why?
You won't ever believe this. It is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard of a man doing.
He told his friends about her. Yup. That was the big moment we all fell in love with him. Because he put his friends on speaker phone while they were driving and the man said "Oh hey! I've heard a lot about you!" He called her by her nickname that we all adoringly call her and that was that. That was the big event that occurred in my friends life that made me go "Yassss girl he's a good guy!"
Seriously? This is what it's come down to? We've been treated so horribly in our dating lives that someone doing something like that for one of our friends was mind blowing. We expect so much less from all of you. Are you aware that this is how you are supposed to treat another human? You are supposed to make that person known. You aren't supposed to keep people a secret... yet it happens all the time. And we as women put up with it! We do.
"Oh but he's so sweet when it's just us!"
Why? Cause he told you that you looked pretty? Because he held your hand watching a movie? Because he complimented you on your cooking? We are settling for this bare minimum bullshit. I used to tell every single guy I was interested in (after they continuously didn't give me flowers for every single occasion) that i didn't even like flowers. After they refused to actually commit I would make sure they knew how chill I was by expressing how little I cared about commitment. I was just the fun girl looking for the fun fling and no strings. Because why would I want to tell you that actually I am worthy as a human to be dated, courted, taken out.. I love flowers on any given day. I want to get married. I want your friends to know I exist.
So many of us are letting these dudes get away with relationship murder. Well.. I can't even call it a relationship. Since really no one even knows what that means anymore. Everyone has these awkward in-betweens.
"Oh we're just talking"
"We just text a lot.. and have great conversation"
"He basically just comes over after the sun goes down, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like in the day light!"
"I've never met any of his friends. It's cool though, we're just hanging out. In doors. At my house. On Fridays. After 2am".
"He's just so busy.. and I don't even want a relationship"
PLEASE.
I do want a relationship. Some day. Right now? I'm still sick to death of men and their bullshit. I'm sure I have bullshit, too. In fact I know I do. I have a real bad habit of going to bed at 7pm because I get up at 4 so I can come to terms with the fact that I have to go be social with other humans and work for sometimes 11 hours. I would rather paint or sit on my couch than put effort into anything that's going to fall short of my newly found expectations. I don't want to ever be excited about a dude because HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME. That's dumb. You know why? Because that's common courtesy and human nature. And that is NOT something to be excited about.
You fellas have gotten away with a lot of shady behavior when it's come to being in my life and the life of other really remarkable women.
This is why we get life coaches and strategize for how to better ourselves. This is why we educate ourselves and surround ourselves with our hobbies and our friends. This is why so many of us are bitter and shut off and down right cold-hearted.
Because somehow, somewhere... chivalry died so hard that not even decency is a thing anymore
(Note: This can easily be reversed from a man's perspective to the shitty women he's witnessed in life. We're not angels. This is just my view on it.."
Friday, October 21, 2016
Us
Forward: This wasn't written for anyone but myself and the women and men out there that have gone through enough. Enough. Who don't think they're enough. Who don't hope for enough. This is from us. We've all been through it and if you haven't you either had it all figured out from birth or you're living under a rock.
This is an open letter to the ones who (luckily) got away
Dear you,
You're not special. You're not the first person to come into someone's life and walk out almost just as quickly. We gave you too much power. And even with this letter some might say we're still giving you power. But we're the kind of people who like to remove the weight from our shoulders one word at a time. We tried that with you though didn't we? We tried to get answers out of you, tried to seek out some closure. That didn't work for you though did it? You had already decided to take the"high road" and basically pretend that we never existed.
Luckily your actions(this is where we're giving you power) put some pep in our step. We took it upon ourselves to figure out what was wrong with us. Did you read that? We(the speaking party) were trying to figure out(deduce, hypothesize?) what was wrong(inaccurate, incorrect) with us. Isn't that silly? You're the one with zero backbone yet we found the fault in ourselves. Were we not pretty/handsome enough, did we not wait long enough to respond to your texts, did we cry on your shoulder too much, maybe we held our forks weird, or our laughs were too loud, perhaps we walked with a bit of a limp, or our toes curved oddly?
These are the things running through our heads. "If only I had just..." "Maybe I should have.." "I definitely shouldn't have.."
Don't we sound dumb? Clearly needy and probably absolutely crazy.
The only thing that is really the matter with us ...was you. You were so great in the beginning. They always are after all. Kind, filling our heads full of nice words and hope. Things that those of us lacking self love are missing in our lives. We're so busy tearing ourselves down we find someone with a couple of cute .50 words and we lose our minds! So afraid to speak our minds to you for fear you'll leave us! And what will we do without you?
Well some of us find someone new immediately. Ahhh yes. That rebound. The next one with the cute words and the sweet hope and all the stuff.
And the rest of us finally say through heavy sobs and alligator tears "What the f*ck is actually wrong with me? Why does it always end this way. Where did I go wrong?" And that's when through process and trial and error...we find it. We find the love we've been looking for.(And this is where we take the power back)
Oh it's a cautious fairytale, this love. We have kept a wall up between us and this love for so long it is a hard one to disassemble. But brick by brick...we let down our protection. And this love comes pouring in. Finally someone gets us!! Loves our quirks and our curved toes. Loves our weird eyebrows and the way our smile is crooked when we're tired. Loves that we're big softies and needy as hell. Loves that we cry during sad movie. Loves that we our so passionate about our hobbies that sometimes we ignore life and just do that for a while.
It was us all along. It was always us.
All the love we've been pouring on these exes in our lives, all the attention and energy we dish out to people who aren't capable of dishing it back... it just needed to be redirected back at us. The pain we were feeling from yet another failed relationship was nothing but something inside of us hurting because we still weren't getting it.
We were treating ourselves exactly like you did.
So thank you.
Thank you for not being anything special in our lives. Those of us that needed that final push have finally found the one we want to be with forever.
And it was Us... all along.
This is an open letter to the ones who (luckily) got away
Dear you,
You're not special. You're not the first person to come into someone's life and walk out almost just as quickly. We gave you too much power. And even with this letter some might say we're still giving you power. But we're the kind of people who like to remove the weight from our shoulders one word at a time. We tried that with you though didn't we? We tried to get answers out of you, tried to seek out some closure. That didn't work for you though did it? You had already decided to take the"high road" and basically pretend that we never existed.
Luckily your actions(this is where we're giving you power) put some pep in our step. We took it upon ourselves to figure out what was wrong with us. Did you read that? We(the speaking party) were trying to figure out(deduce, hypothesize?) what was wrong(inaccurate, incorrect) with us. Isn't that silly? You're the one with zero backbone yet we found the fault in ourselves. Were we not pretty/handsome enough, did we not wait long enough to respond to your texts, did we cry on your shoulder too much, maybe we held our forks weird, or our laughs were too loud, perhaps we walked with a bit of a limp, or our toes curved oddly?
These are the things running through our heads. "If only I had just..." "Maybe I should have.." "I definitely shouldn't have.."
Don't we sound dumb? Clearly needy and probably absolutely crazy.
The only thing that is really the matter with us ...was you. You were so great in the beginning. They always are after all. Kind, filling our heads full of nice words and hope. Things that those of us lacking self love are missing in our lives. We're so busy tearing ourselves down we find someone with a couple of cute .50 words and we lose our minds! So afraid to speak our minds to you for fear you'll leave us! And what will we do without you?
Well some of us find someone new immediately. Ahhh yes. That rebound. The next one with the cute words and the sweet hope and all the stuff.
And the rest of us finally say through heavy sobs and alligator tears "What the f*ck is actually wrong with me? Why does it always end this way. Where did I go wrong?" And that's when through process and trial and error...we find it. We find the love we've been looking for.(And this is where we take the power back)
Oh it's a cautious fairytale, this love. We have kept a wall up between us and this love for so long it is a hard one to disassemble. But brick by brick...we let down our protection. And this love comes pouring in. Finally someone gets us!! Loves our quirks and our curved toes. Loves our weird eyebrows and the way our smile is crooked when we're tired. Loves that we're big softies and needy as hell. Loves that we cry during sad movie. Loves that we our so passionate about our hobbies that sometimes we ignore life and just do that for a while.
It was us all along. It was always us.
All the love we've been pouring on these exes in our lives, all the attention and energy we dish out to people who aren't capable of dishing it back... it just needed to be redirected back at us. The pain we were feeling from yet another failed relationship was nothing but something inside of us hurting because we still weren't getting it.
We were treating ourselves exactly like you did.
So thank you.
Thank you for not being anything special in our lives. Those of us that needed that final push have finally found the one we want to be with forever.
And it was Us... all along.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Quick Thoughts
I used to cringe when people posted inspirational stuff on Instagram. You know...the things I post a lot in the last few months? I feel like a hypocrite doing it because my perceptions of people who did these posts were 1 of 2 things. Either they are posting them so everyone thinks "Wow you are a well adjusted young person!" And really they're a hot mess. Or they are trying to get through something and the best way they know how is through someone else's words. I am guilty of 1 while also struggling with getting to 2.
Let's clear some things up. Here and now
1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.
2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.
3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.
4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.
5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.
6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.
Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.
Let's clear some things up. Here and now
1. I don't dislike any of my exes. I dislike parts of the situations but not the people.
2. I want a relationship. A good, strong, communicative, healthy partnership.
3. I don't need a relationship. It won't make me feel whole, more connected, more beautiful, more successful. Those are things I've done on my own.
4. I love words. The way people string them together to form a thought that I've had without me having to do the dirty work of stringing them together? It's a wonderful thing.
5. I don't go looking for the posts I re-post. The Universe brings them to me. I don't search "sappy bullshit about a strong independent girl". I just will be reflecting on something, doing a little scrolling and there it is. If it speaks to me you're damn right I'm going to re-post it.
6. I just am really finally enjoying Me. And doing things for Me. And by myself. And being alone no longer scares me. I love my own company so much, it'll be a pretty amazing person that gets a spot carved into my life.
Everyone has their reasons for why the post the things they do. I like the way words fit situations and people use those words better than I can. I'm good with words, but I'm better with paint.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
An Apology of Sorts
To the right one.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.
You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.
So I'm not sorry at all.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're not going to get the girl that tried.
You're not going to get the girl that puts you first.
You're not going to get the girl who pays for everything.
You're not going to get the girl who texts first, texts back immediately, begs for phone calls.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't ask for dates and flowers.
You're not going to get the girl who loves with her whole heart immediately.
You're not going to get the girl who begs for your attention.
You're not going to get the girl who keeps her own feelings in just to keep you happy. You're not going to get the girl who swallows her pride and allows you to treat her anyway you want.
You're not going to get the girl that settles for less than what she deserves.
You're not going to get the girl who forgets her hobbies and life to always be available to you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes excuses for you.
You're not going to get the girl that holds on for dear life.
You're not going to get the girl that puts her life on hold for you.
You're not going to get the girl who makes sure everything is how you want it.
You're not going to get the girl who doesn't lean on you for fear it might add too much to your plate.
You're not going to get the girl who treats you like you're worth more than she is.
You're not going to get the girl who cries over you daily wondering why she's not good enough.
You're not going to get that girl...because she won't have to be that girl to be the right girl for you.
So I'm not sorry at all.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Glue Not Required
To touch on my last post a bit more...
I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.
Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.
Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"
See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?
Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.
You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.
I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.
Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.
Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"
See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?
Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.
You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This
I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.
Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.
I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.
Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.
I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.
Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.
And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!
Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.
I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.
Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.
I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.
Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.
And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!
Monday, October 27, 2014
Save Your Breath - I'll Catch Mine Eventually
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate to be warned about someone or something? I hate it. Why are you telling me all these things? What benefit to you is it to get that warning out there? You don't think I've had enough disappointment in my life that I can't handle a little bit more - if disappointment is even the end result? You don't think I can handle a let down? Or that I haven't been let down in the past? Yes, I am sick of disappointment. Yes, I hate being let down -- but You literally cannot shield another person from experiences.
Experiences. That's what life is. It's a combination of planned events, unplanned events, bullets to dodge, and dun dun dun.. experiences.
Every single decision we make during the day is ours to make. Do you remember in my last post when we discussed (I say "we" like you had any choice.. no I discussed) freewill. The ability to choose our own choices. Well I choose my Choice. I Choose My Choice. (Thanks, Charlotte York-Goldenblatt for this little quip). I choose to get wrapped up in something that may or may not work out because I have faith that things always will. Even though I know that disappointment and let down happens. I am well aware of these things.
I am well aware that my rose colored glasses I see everyone and everything through are often tainted by the goodness I believe exists in all people. I am well aware that this isn't a movie and this is real life and bad things happen to good and bad people and that karma is a bitch and that people can most definitely treat other people with vagrant ignorance. I get it. However, I don't choose to treat people this way. I don't purposely try to screw anyone over and hurt them, so I don't expect anyone to actually do that to me. Even though, it has definitely happened. No one warned me about those people. No. Where were the warnings with them? Nowhere. Do I even on some level wish someone would have been there to say "Now, Katie..." because that would have instantly taken away my ability to choose my own choice.
In closing: Unless you have evidence that someone is a serial killer rapist pedophile or can show me specific examples of where someone has specifically said "Cannot wait to screw ____ over" then mind your own business.
That's it: Mind ya bid'ness
Experiences. That's what life is. It's a combination of planned events, unplanned events, bullets to dodge, and dun dun dun.. experiences.
Every single decision we make during the day is ours to make. Do you remember in my last post when we discussed (I say "we" like you had any choice.. no I discussed) freewill. The ability to choose our own choices. Well I choose my Choice. I Choose My Choice. (Thanks, Charlotte York-Goldenblatt for this little quip). I choose to get wrapped up in something that may or may not work out because I have faith that things always will. Even though I know that disappointment and let down happens. I am well aware of these things.
I am well aware that my rose colored glasses I see everyone and everything through are often tainted by the goodness I believe exists in all people. I am well aware that this isn't a movie and this is real life and bad things happen to good and bad people and that karma is a bitch and that people can most definitely treat other people with vagrant ignorance. I get it. However, I don't choose to treat people this way. I don't purposely try to screw anyone over and hurt them, so I don't expect anyone to actually do that to me. Even though, it has definitely happened. No one warned me about those people. No. Where were the warnings with them? Nowhere. Do I even on some level wish someone would have been there to say "Now, Katie..." because that would have instantly taken away my ability to choose my own choice.
In closing: Unless you have evidence that someone is a serial killer rapist pedophile or can show me specific examples of where someone has specifically said "Cannot wait to screw ____ over" then mind your own business.
That's it: Mind ya bid'ness
Saturday, October 25, 2014
A Basic Lyric Analysis
Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.
"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free"
I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.
"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"
For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.
"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"
Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much.
And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind.
"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"
This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.
If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.
Burn this shit down... at ashes.
If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.
Burn this shit down... at ashes.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon
I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am.
I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.
I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well.
See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).
Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.
I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.
You're welcome.
I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.
I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well.
See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).
Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.
I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.
You're welcome.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Stop Needing and Start Living
I witness a lot of things go down on Facebook. I see all the posts and the inspirational sappy bullshit that comes along with it. I see the frustration with "stupid" men and "needy" women being put on display via some picture of a desert or forest with a cheesy caption.
Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.
Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.
I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.
"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."
My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.
So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.
If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!
Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.
But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:
Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.
Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.
I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.
"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."
My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.
So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.
If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!
Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.
But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!
I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.
I have learned more than I realized.
1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.
2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?
3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.
4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.
5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.
Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."
I have learned more than I realized.
1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.
2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?
3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.
4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.
5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.
Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."
Sunday, September 7, 2014
A New Beginning.. Again
You're all about to go on another adventure with me.
No, I'm not moving again.
I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.
Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!
Soon to be an after!
No, I'm not moving again.
I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.
Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!
Soon to be an after!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Early Morning Early Warning
My entire life I've been warned about the people I'm hanging out with. There have been warnings as far back as I can remember. "She's a bad influence" "He'll break your heart" "She parties a lot" "She'll get you in trouble" "He's nothing but trouble"
I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.
One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!
2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!
I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.
So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.
Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.
I've come to the conclusion in my 28 years of life that those are exactly the kind of people I want to hang out with. The ones I'm being warned about.
One of my best friends of 20+ years is one that I was warned about. My mom (love you) even told me that I shouldn't hang out with her. "She's a little wild!" she used to say to me. Fast forward 20 years later and that friend and I are still thick as thieves. Hundreds of miles apart for the last 10 years but still very close at heart. In fact, she is one of the only friends that I have that I never actually got in trouble with. Not with the law anyway!
2 of my other best friends brought up some warnings early in life as well. It was later found out their true intentions as to why they befriended me but after some very serious 8th grade counseling sessions (seriously) we all made it work and came together. I actually am still thanking my lucky stars that I did have such attractive brothers, or else these 2 wouldn't have ever been such major parts of my life! We joke about it now because now it's funny. It did hurt back then but when they both looked at me with those 8th grade tears in their eyes and basically said "We did this really awful thing to you only to realize you're actually a really great person and we want to be your friend." It was cute and touching and a lot of tears were shed that day! Seriously, it's been 14 years since those counseling sessions and I still talk to them more than I do most people!
I've found, though, that often times the ones giving the warnings are the ones I should be cautious of. In high school a girl I thought was a very good friend of mine was warning me about the group of girls I was hanging out with. She had some very unpleasant ways of referencing them and even told me I should "thank her" for making me as "popular" as I was. Seriously. She said those words to me. I can't even make that up. Next thing I know that girl is running off to go to school elsewhere and I never had to deal with her nastiness again.
So really all the people I've been warned about all have 2 things in common: they came with warnings and me. I'm not saying I'm the best friend anyone could have and I'm not saying I haven't been screwed over by these people I've been warned about... I'm just saying that I can get along with most anyone in most any situation and other peoples experiences will never influence my decisions. Ever. Giving people a chance is the reason why we are people. We're humans. We all screw up and do unsavory things to other humans. I've been a shiesty person a time or two in my life but that doesn't mean I should come with a warning necessarily.
Also, how could you not love me? I'm awesome.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Friendship Date (A day late!)
Friendship day was yesterday (August 3rd). I missed it! Fortunately I talked to a few of my good friends back home. Life has actually kept on going since I left. I'm surprised you're all functioning so well without me. I know how hard it was for everyone to say goodbye to me. I was like the glue that held that little town together so I'm glad to see that I left a residue... :)
So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.
So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.
"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."
"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."
"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."
"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."
"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."
And Lastly:
"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."
Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.
My friends are irreplaceable.
So today I was looking at various 'friendship quote' things on Pinterest. I was rather disappointed. None of them seemed at all to match up to what my personal friendships are like. They're all cheesy, over the top, lame, or old jokes. None of them accurately describe the various friendships I have had over the years. I have some ranging from 23+ years to 2 years. I value all of these friendships though because these people absolutely get me. They just do. They all understand this girl.
So since I was sorely disappointed in what Pinterest had available, I decided to write a few of my own friendship quotes. Ones that actually pertain to the varying friendships I have in my life.
"Sometimes I ignore your phone calls and tell you the next morning it was because I was sleeping. Really, I was watching Netflix and didn't want to be interrupted. But I still love you."
"When you do something stupid I will tell you that no one even noticed, but really everyone one did but I don't think you need to know that on top of the stupid thing you already just did."
"I often times think of all the stupid shit we did growing up and realize - we're children. And always will be."
"You make me a better person. Wait, you make me a drunker person -- That's more accurate."
"Sometimes all I want to do is call you and tell you about my day and not have to hear about your day because really I'm only calling to talk and not to listen."
And Lastly:
"I cannot imagine not loving you every single day that I have loved you since we very first met."
Truth be told: If you're my friend - You know it. There is never a question. I literally love my friends with my whole heart. Even when we hate each other because of a guy or because one of us was being flakey or because one of us was being completely annoying. Even when we say really terrible things to each other when we're drunk or ghost on the other while we're downtown.
My friends are irreplaceable.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
The Real Best Parts About Growing Up With Brothers
So, really, I was raised in a pack of wolves. My brothers are animals. They were absolutely the worst human beings. Just complete down to the core assholes. I mean that in the nicest way.
But that always worked to my benefit. While they both disliked me a majority of our childhood, I could count on either one of them to have my back if anyone was being awful to me. So let's start there.
1. Built In Security System. One of the things I loved about being the baby of the family, is that I was baby of the family with 2 older brothers. Basically, if you were mean to me... you were done. Probably my favorite memory of this in action would be when a kid in elementary school was relentless. He was awful to me. All the time. The school wouldn't do anything and I think my mom was sick of me coming home in tears every single day. So, instead of having smoke blown up her 'a' by the administration once again, she said something to my middle brother. I do believe it was the very next day I witnessed that problem being taken care of. It still warms my heart.
2. Thick skin. Well let's be honest here. Even though I grew up being picked on and tortured.. I'm still a sensitive Sally. But they did teach me a lot of come backs and witty things to say later in life.
3. As adults, I now have 2 built in best friends. So they may not see it this way, but they seriously are 2 of the best friends a girl could have. They are still assholes, but so am I. We treat each other terribly but seriously, when it comes down to the important stuff, they are always there. J more than likely will tell me how completely ridiculous I'm being while B will basically tell me to grow up. They have never sugar coated anything with me. They are the absolute definition of what good tough love is. And I love them for it.
4. Really really really great taste in music. It's true! I like some absolute shit, however, my brothers both gave me an ear for good music. It may have started with our mother as she pretty much had us listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin in the womb, but these two guys seriously instilled a love for all things music in me at an early age. B always loved the heavy stuff. Pantera, Metallica.. you name it. There was a lot of it happening in my house. J was always more diverse and completely different than anyone. Once we downloaded Napster in our house the sky was the limit. I don't mean to sound totally hipster here, but we were listening to stuff before anyone else in our area had ever heard of it. J has always been good about that. He still to this day sends me songs from artists of which I have never heard, and it takes a while for the rest of the world to catch up.
5. I am really choosy. I may end up single forever because of these clowns. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, and really I hope I don't end up single forever, but they've made this dating thing really hard on a girl in a really good way. I look up to these two guys so much and their opinions mean the absolute world to me. I couldn't imagine being with someone, dating someone, marrying someone... if these 2 didn't approve. If they didn't love him, how could I? It's not that hard to be someone these two would like to be around though. Be funny, be nice to their sister, and be ready to have someone pick you apart, make fun of you, and absolutely be ready to give it all back to them. In my family, if you can't take a lot of sarcastic jabbing, then you my friend, will not make it out alive.
Like I said: they're animals. But they're also 2 of my very best friends in the world.
Also, they're going to hate this post and I'm going to get no end of grief for writing it.
But that always worked to my benefit. While they both disliked me a majority of our childhood, I could count on either one of them to have my back if anyone was being awful to me. So let's start there.
1. Built In Security System. One of the things I loved about being the baby of the family, is that I was baby of the family with 2 older brothers. Basically, if you were mean to me... you were done. Probably my favorite memory of this in action would be when a kid in elementary school was relentless. He was awful to me. All the time. The school wouldn't do anything and I think my mom was sick of me coming home in tears every single day. So, instead of having smoke blown up her 'a' by the administration once again, she said something to my middle brother. I do believe it was the very next day I witnessed that problem being taken care of. It still warms my heart.
2. Thick skin. Well let's be honest here. Even though I grew up being picked on and tortured.. I'm still a sensitive Sally. But they did teach me a lot of come backs and witty things to say later in life.
3. As adults, I now have 2 built in best friends. So they may not see it this way, but they seriously are 2 of the best friends a girl could have. They are still assholes, but so am I. We treat each other terribly but seriously, when it comes down to the important stuff, they are always there. J more than likely will tell me how completely ridiculous I'm being while B will basically tell me to grow up. They have never sugar coated anything with me. They are the absolute definition of what good tough love is. And I love them for it.
4. Really really really great taste in music. It's true! I like some absolute shit, however, my brothers both gave me an ear for good music. It may have started with our mother as she pretty much had us listening to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin in the womb, but these two guys seriously instilled a love for all things music in me at an early age. B always loved the heavy stuff. Pantera, Metallica.. you name it. There was a lot of it happening in my house. J was always more diverse and completely different than anyone. Once we downloaded Napster in our house the sky was the limit. I don't mean to sound totally hipster here, but we were listening to stuff before anyone else in our area had ever heard of it. J has always been good about that. He still to this day sends me songs from artists of which I have never heard, and it takes a while for the rest of the world to catch up.
5. I am really choosy. I may end up single forever because of these clowns. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, and really I hope I don't end up single forever, but they've made this dating thing really hard on a girl in a really good way. I look up to these two guys so much and their opinions mean the absolute world to me. I couldn't imagine being with someone, dating someone, marrying someone... if these 2 didn't approve. If they didn't love him, how could I? It's not that hard to be someone these two would like to be around though. Be funny, be nice to their sister, and be ready to have someone pick you apart, make fun of you, and absolutely be ready to give it all back to them. In my family, if you can't take a lot of sarcastic jabbing, then you my friend, will not make it out alive.
Like I said: they're animals. But they're also 2 of my very best friends in the world.
Also, they're going to hate this post and I'm going to get no end of grief for writing it.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
When I lived in Dillon (a whole 1.5 weeks ago), I'd get off of work, go home and practically ignore the fact that there was an outside world. If I went straight home after work I typically stayed there. I cannot even fathom doing that here. I used to just sit right down and watch TV. Or sometimes make it to the gym. Mostly though, if I made it home I stayed there.
Here I find myself getting home around 3:50-4pm. I do some things. Put dishes away that I've left out to dry, straighten up my bathroom, make my bed, etc. Then around 5 I always think that's the perfect time to go out and do things. Find some place to shop and/or spend money. Groceries, decorations, nonsense. I try to get to my destinations based on street names alone and most of the time I do just fine. I can now make it from my apartment to Walmart and back without so much as looking at my GPS. It's freeing. It really is.
Last night, I was caught in what can only be describe as a torrential downpour. You ain't neva seen a stawm like we had last nigh'. The lightning was literally striking in the neighborhood across from mine. As I was driving home with a trunk full of stuff for my little abode, I was splashed by this lake that had formed in the middle of the main street. Seconds of not being able to see. I think normally this is a situation in which I would have panicked. Pulled over, cried a little and then put myself together and carried on my way. Last night though I couldn't help but laugh! The driver that splashed me slowed way down and I looked at him and he looked mortified. As if he did it on purpose. I was laughing so hard he probably thinks I'm absolutely crazy. I've never seen such a body of water form in the middle of a road like that.
It's little instances like this that show me how much I've already changed for the better. Now, I always always put all my eggs in one basket. It's just what I do, however, I feel very comfortable saying that this place has honestly made me twice the independent person I was before I got here. I still have yet to find myself in a bar or restaurant by myself. But today is Friday.
Who knows where this night will take me.
Here I find myself getting home around 3:50-4pm. I do some things. Put dishes away that I've left out to dry, straighten up my bathroom, make my bed, etc. Then around 5 I always think that's the perfect time to go out and do things. Find some place to shop and/or spend money. Groceries, decorations, nonsense. I try to get to my destinations based on street names alone and most of the time I do just fine. I can now make it from my apartment to Walmart and back without so much as looking at my GPS. It's freeing. It really is.
Last night, I was caught in what can only be describe as a torrential downpour. You ain't neva seen a stawm like we had last nigh'. The lightning was literally striking in the neighborhood across from mine. As I was driving home with a trunk full of stuff for my little abode, I was splashed by this lake that had formed in the middle of the main street. Seconds of not being able to see. I think normally this is a situation in which I would have panicked. Pulled over, cried a little and then put myself together and carried on my way. Last night though I couldn't help but laugh! The driver that splashed me slowed way down and I looked at him and he looked mortified. As if he did it on purpose. I was laughing so hard he probably thinks I'm absolutely crazy. I've never seen such a body of water form in the middle of a road like that.
It's little instances like this that show me how much I've already changed for the better. Now, I always always put all my eggs in one basket. It's just what I do, however, I feel very comfortable saying that this place has honestly made me twice the independent person I was before I got here. I still have yet to find myself in a bar or restaurant by myself. But today is Friday.
Who knows where this night will take me.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
A Life Alone is a Life Worth Living (A listicle)
This list is inspired by a friends' Facebook status today. She gave a brief 'pro and con' over living alone.
A week into it and I have a few of my own:
PRO I can literally talk to myself about anything and no one is going to say "Are you talking to me or yourself". It's nice to have these moments with myself. I understand me.
CON I pretty much have to talk to myself all the time because I'm a talker and when there is no one else around to talk to, I'll still continue to talk. I like an audience, but really... I need no audience.
PRO No judgement for any decision made within those walls. Seriously! I can eat dinner pantsless, in bed watching Sex in the City. Dinner can be as healthy as chicken tacos or as bad (but delicious) as Bojangles.
CON No judgement means I can pretty much fall into any and all bad habits without any qualms. Something I need to already check myself on.
PRO Sometimes, I can leave a cup in the sink over night and not feel like the world is going to end. Seriously, I can even leave my plate next to the sink for a little while and not feel a bit guilty about it.
CON There is literally no one but me to clean up after myself so, really, things get cleaned rather quickly. That could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm terrified of these bugs down here and I'm not interested in rooming with any of them.
PRO I don't have to share my new couch.. with anyone. It's pretty amazing really. Sprawl out for a nap and no one is gonna show up to interrupt you. You can also drink wine in the middle of afternoon on your couch without anyone passing judgment! An entire bottle of wine. In a water glass.
CON Opening a bottle of wine is hard. I need a boyfriend and/or a better bottle opener. Just to open it. Then they can leave whilst I drink the whole thing.
PRO After you drink a bottle of wine, it is completely okay to just get down on the floor and do some yoga. It may be considered counterproductive, but the relaxing quality of wine and the soothing quality of yoga combined all together is a really incredible feeling.
CON There are literally zero cons to doing yoga after drinking a bottle of wine.
A week into it and I have a few of my own:
PRO I can literally talk to myself about anything and no one is going to say "Are you talking to me or yourself". It's nice to have these moments with myself. I understand me.
CON I pretty much have to talk to myself all the time because I'm a talker and when there is no one else around to talk to, I'll still continue to talk. I like an audience, but really... I need no audience.
PRO No judgement for any decision made within those walls. Seriously! I can eat dinner pantsless, in bed watching Sex in the City. Dinner can be as healthy as chicken tacos or as bad (but delicious) as Bojangles.
CON No judgement means I can pretty much fall into any and all bad habits without any qualms. Something I need to already check myself on.
PRO Sometimes, I can leave a cup in the sink over night and not feel like the world is going to end. Seriously, I can even leave my plate next to the sink for a little while and not feel a bit guilty about it.
CON There is literally no one but me to clean up after myself so, really, things get cleaned rather quickly. That could have a lot to do with the fact that I'm terrified of these bugs down here and I'm not interested in rooming with any of them.
PRO I don't have to share my new couch.. with anyone. It's pretty amazing really. Sprawl out for a nap and no one is gonna show up to interrupt you. You can also drink wine in the middle of afternoon on your couch without anyone passing judgment! An entire bottle of wine. In a water glass.
CON Opening a bottle of wine is hard. I need a boyfriend and/or a better bottle opener. Just to open it. Then they can leave whilst I drink the whole thing.
PRO After you drink a bottle of wine, it is completely okay to just get down on the floor and do some yoga. It may be considered counterproductive, but the relaxing quality of wine and the soothing quality of yoga combined all together is a really incredible feeling.
CON There are literally zero cons to doing yoga after drinking a bottle of wine.
Monday, July 21, 2014
NC to PA.. A Quick Weekend Trip
What a fast weekend that was!
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.
Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.
I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.
One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.
I decided to drive (again). It was another experience though! I cannot live short of those. I drove up to PA to visit some friends and it was definitely needed! The drive... wow. I hit Virginia and then West Virginia. I made a surprise appearance in Maryland and then about the time I realized where I was, I entered into Pennsylvania. It was rainy and dark by the time I really got into PA and wasn't so impressed with the beginning of that leg of the drive. I was on some random windy road called Garret's Shortcut. Come to find out, a friend of mine in PA grew up there. So of course my drive home I took it all in. At night it's just a windy road, during the day it was something entirely different. It was extremely beautiful and peaceful farmland. It was full of old barns and silos. There were fields of farmland as green as I've ever seen them. The road was windy but I did manage to snap a few pictures.
Now, I realize I've only been here a week but seeing all those familiar faces was pretty incredible really. For the most part, I haven't seen any of them for over a year. It's always like no time has passed though. They are such a remarkable group of people. One of my best friends from high school moved over there right after graduation. And I don't know about her, but I am beyond glad that she did. She seriously fell into the greatest group of people I have ever met. The fact that me, her friend from high school, can also fall into place with them is really rare.
I just appreciate all the support from them and everyone back home. My heart literally hurts every time I have ever visited and then left Pennsylvania. I feel such pull from that state. It might just be a pull from the people, but I can tell that I belong there. Eventually. For some time. One day. Maybe for a year, maybe for 10. Definitely one day though, I'll live there. I always said I would. From the very first time to leaving there yesterday. I feel a weird connection to that town.
One thing at a time though. I'm still eating, preying and loving this area that I am in and this place in my life.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Hey Ya'll. Have a good one!
My goodness! That's about all I can say about today!
I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.
Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.
So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.
I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.
This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.
I moved into my apartment and it took my mom and I roughly 20 different trips up 3 flights of stairs to get it all into my little 600 sq/ft slice of paradise! Also, this took place in 90 degree weather with 90% humidity. So basically, we kicked ass.
Then we went to this fantastic little furniture outlet and found the perfect couch and an amazing bed! So all in all today went perfectly! My bed and couch don't get delivered until next week so we're back in a motel for the night. I did buy myself a little air mattress to get through the rest of the time though. Luckily this weekend I am heading to PA to see some friends and just relax for a few days. The reality of living in a place of this stature hasn't quite hit me. I assume my commute to work the next few days will help me to realize I am definitely not in Montana anymore (Toto..) Can one make a Wizard of Oz reference if they've never actually seen the movie? Did it. So let's move on.
So far my fridge only contains some lemon shandies and 2 bottles of wine. I plan on actually grocery shopping sometime soon but for now it's hilarious and I'm leaving it like that.
I'm ready to eat, prey, love though. Definitely ready for it. The eat part hasn't been easy. We mostly have forgotten to do that on this trip. Although, we did eat some seriously bomb BBQ this evening for dinner. It happened to be our only meal of the day so it was completely devoured in probably minutes. Prey? I'm already preying on this life. Taking in every minute of it. Love? Yes. It's definitely a possibility.
This was the new start I was looking for and I'm already hungry for more. Also more hush puppies because: the south.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Always Grateful
Being sad when you say goodbye to friends and family doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. It actually means that thus far all the choices you have made have been the right ones.
I'm very fortunate to feel this sadness right now. It means that I've been living my life well surrounded by amazing people. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of something new. An adventure. My heart will heal eventually and the sadness I feel will fade but I'll never stop missing the people in my life that have made the last 6 years incredible.
Even when I do meet my new co-workers and make new friends and fall in love, these people will be a part of my life. The experiences I've had with them will carry me through to my next part of life.
I'll always be grateful to this town and these people. And I am looking forward to seeing what the next 6 years of my life will develop into.
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