Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Ready Set... Nope

Listen, online dating sucks. I don’t care if you’ve been successful.. you know it sucks. It is 100%  the worst way to meet people.

First you have to meet their internet persona and figure out if you even like that part of them enough to like move onto the whole meeting in person thing. I haven’t made it to that part yet…

Well, I actually did briefly and then he essentially was completely full of shit and thank goodness because really hindsight.. I dodged a big giant hot mess of a bullet.

You see, I started out with stars and hearts in my eyes and full trust. I mean why wouldn’t the first guy I talked to on a dating site be like ‘The’ Guy. I am a pretty great person.. so why wouldn’t it be THAT easy for me? It wasn’t. It wasn’t that easy at all. And it’s continuing to not be the slightest bit easy. You really to have to weed through some weirdos, assholes, dummies, pretty boys, quiet guys, creeps, pick me guys, liars… so on. I even had someone ask me if I could get them weed. I can’t make this up.

Anyway.. It’s not often I come to the realization that I am essentially better than anyone. I mean I know I am. It’s human nature. We’re all actually better than someone. There really isn’t like one person who is actually just at the very bottom of people. Well, I mean there is.. but I don’t want to make this a political post so I’ll just move on. But a simple fact about me is that through all of my bullshit… I at the very least have my shit somewhat together. Sure I am certainly a jerk 45% of my life, I am picky and super bossy sometimes and I really don’t like people when I’m not in the mood for people. However, I have a solid job, I am pretty attractive, I am hilarious, I am one hell of a writer (Case in Point)… and you know how I know all of this with pure confidence? I surround myself by some of the best people. People that I know wouldn’t be around if I wasn’t as actually great as I am. Have you met my friends? They’re all insanely amazing.

So why am I even having to go online to date? Or to try and date.. or to find someone who would be suitable to date?

Because I live in a town of 5,000 people.. and I am pretty sure I’ve exhausted my efforts in my fair town. And I’m actually not really market ready if I’m being totally honest with myself. I really need to get into shape again, I should probably do my dishes more than once a week, I absolutely could stand to wash my car for the 3^rd time in the 10 years I’ve owned it, I maybe could not drink to the point of a blackout 3-4 times a month (which I know doesn’t sound terrible but I only drink on the weekends.. so), I should also maybe try a hobby that isn’t blacking out, binge watching Real Housewives of Everywhere, or seeing how quickly I can actually devour a bag of Smartfood popcorn…

I think online dating is actually only the worst when you’re not actually ready for what you’re about to encounter. I am getting so frustrated with the bullshit on there. But this little diary like realization post here just kind of opened my eyes to what the real issue is.

I am totally and completely and 100% not ready to even be considering dating. The first guy I attracted into my realm lied through his teeth probably 90% of the time we were talking, the next was a kid who I think wants to actually wear me as a skin suit, and lastly we have Mr Pick Me who has spent a majority of our conversations trying to prove to me that he’s great. I don’t need you to write out proof, bro.. I can usually tell within the first paragraph about your Roth IRAs that you’re probably not that great. 

OH and let’s not forget the guy who literally asked me for bud..  I quit.

The Truth

"I'm just the fat girl/guy of the group"
"I can't buy clothes that look cute/nice on me"
"I wish I had her/his body"
"I just would be happier 10lbs lighter"
"My skin is gross"
"My hair is gross"
*Receives compliment* "Oh shut up, you're just saying that because we're friends...because you're being nice...I only look like this once ever billion years...it was a fluke..."
"I'm going to be single forever with these bags under my eyes"
"I feel so fat today"
"Why can't I just look like that?"
"You're just prettier/better looking than me"
"I'll never have that"
"I'm so ugly"
"He'll/She'll never go for a girl like me"
STOP IT. Do we listen to ourselves? No. Probably not. But our BODIES are listening. Whether you're fishing for compliments or truly feel this way about yourself.... STOP!
Things are not going to improve if you don't start talking sweetly to yourself. Softly, kindly, nicely. Stop comparing. Stop agonizing. Stop making shit up in your head. I say "your" like this isn't an issue I've struggled with for 30 years. And this isn't a female issue. I see men do it ALL the time too. If you can't come up with 30 things you like about yourself then you need to reevaluate. I know I did. I was listening to a podcast once upon a time that suggested people focus on ONE thing a day for 30 days that they liked about themselves. I texted a friend of mine and said "I can't even think of 2 things!" She sent me a list of 30 that she liked about me. This took her all of 3 minutes to comprise.

My life coach pointed out about 20 things that I brought to the table in a relationship after talking to me for 10 minutes during our very first ever consult.

These people aren't inside of us. They don't spend every waking moment with us. Yet they see us in a better light than we see ourselves. That is disgusting. It really is. It's sad. It broke my heart to realize how little I valued myself. How much bullshit I was putting up with from men... Men who made me feel needy and thirsty and crazy because they valued me about as much as I valued myself. Men who to be quite honest aren't even close to the level (I didn't even realize) I'm on.

According to a dating desirability scale I am a 95%. 95%. I'm a catch! And after 5 weeks of a body love bootcamp and talking to my life coach and doing all the homework I can see that now! I can see how amazing I am. And how much I have to offer. And how I've been trying to prove what a great girlfriend I am to less than great boyfriends and men by doing the most insane things.
Paying for EVERYTHING
Always initiating contact by way of texts
Being available all the time
Not calling them on the actual phone because Oh gosh they may be too busy or get annoyed
Biting my tongue when things bother me
Being all too agreeable
Being terrified to lose them so I make myself into this meek and mild girl

Shut Up! This is nonsense.
I have a college degree..I'm educated. I've worked for the same company for 8 years and have had the same friends for more than 20...I'm loyal. I am hilarious! I am an artist and a writer. I am compassionate and caring. I am giving. I am trustworthy. I am opinionated and loud. I love to talk and have strong communication skills. I love to travel and go on adventures. I'm spontaneous. I show up for people. I am creative and witty. I can have a conversation with a complete stranger. I am independent and financially stable. I could change a tire (if I wanted to..). I am a great cook and love cooking for people. I love going to movies or to bars or staying in. I have found fun in just about any situation. I have great parents and step parents. I have a shit load of amazing siblings. I am beautiful. I love my lips and the color of my eyes. I love the way I'm built. I love that I'm not a stick and I love that I don't need to lose 10lbs just to love myself because I already do. Me and this body have gone on a lot of adventures together...and I appreciate and value it for every single bit that it is.

I don't need to list those things out for you to believe me. I don't give a shit if you believe me. It's not a matter of believing. Or making someone else believe.

It's a matter of me knowing all the things about me that make me absolutely fantastic.

2 months ago I was a mess. Another failed relationship. Another heartbreak. Another moment where I put someone else so high above myself that I forgot about my value. My interests. My demands. My life.

That was the drive though... Why did another relationship fail? Why did I try to force it to work? Why did I change myself to be with someone who didn't want to fully be with me? Why did I cave and change who I am as a person to make someone else happy? To keep them?
I was miserable. I was needy. I was unhinged.

I needed to change. Not my appearance or personality or job or location or any of that shit. I needed to change how I saw myself. And it hasn't been easy. I still struggle with it. I can't say I'm 100% "cured". Whatever that means.

But I know I won't be putting up with less than I deserve from people who don't deserve me. I'm a damn good person, friend, employee, girlfriend....And until I find a guy who can match all of that and actually add value to my life...I am beyond happy to be alone. It is far better than being stressed, worried, needy, thirsty, and miserable.

I found my other half. It was me the whole time!

Put Me In Coach

My whole life I've been the girl with the pretty face. The girl with the hot friends. The girl with the hot brothers. The girl with the good personality. The big girl.

The girl who settles for someone who will settle for her.

I find that if I go for less than what I deserve maybe they'll settle for me. I somehow feel like I've deserved the things I've been dealt. The relationships that have left me torn apart. The friends that have walked all over me. The guys who want a good time..not a long time. The guys who aren't honest, don't communicate, aren't willing to go above any measure, who aren't able to commit to just me... I've always told myself I don't deserve better than this. I always though I was just the girl someone settles for. Not someone anyone would want to seriously be with. All because of how I look.

I've always felt like I don't deserve to even really put my foot down and demand things in a relationship because look at me! Why would I deserve anyone who calls when they say they will? Wants to see me often? Wants to buy ME dinner? Wants to surprise me with fun gifts? Initiates conversation? Who smiles when I text them? Who wants to be in an actual relationship with me and not this half assed open relationship new age bullshit?

I tell people I'm not comfortable with other people paying for things for me. Movie tickets, dinners, drinks... The truth is I don't feel like I deserve any of that stuff. Like I don't deserve someone to want to spoil me and make me feel cared for! Treat me like I'm half a person because that's how I feel.

On paper I'm a dream girl. I'm laid back, hilarious, great conversationalist, I get along with anyone, I have amazing friends, I have a great job and I make my own money, I care about people with my whole heart, I'm goofy and unconventional,  I try to always be there for people who need me, I'm generous and I like to make sure everyone is having a good time, I'm curious and intelligent. I'm so many damn good things.

But because I'm a big girl I've put up with mediocre bullshit from all kinds of people.

And today...that all ends. Well yesterday. But I'm just writing this today. So today.

Because I am not my body, I'm not my weight, and I'm not my size.

I feel like I met myself for the first time last night during my very first session with a life coach. Yah. You read that right. A life coach. Because some of us have struggles and some of us have read every self help book out there and some of us don't know how to end the cycle and just love ourselves fully and completely.

Sportsing people didn't just learn to sports because they picked up their sports ball. They had a coach.

I just happened to not know how to life...so I hired a life coach.

Playground Antics

Here’s something fun:

All this writing I do? It means nothing. It’s my words and thoughts and ideas. It’s the words thoughts and ideas of my friends and family. It’s things I’ve read in books or listened to on podcasts. It’s probably the things I’m going to be learning in the next few weeks. But why can’t I apply them? Why is it that I have a bit of confidence, I’m sure of myself, and I’m pretty stable.. until I meet a guy? Why do I always jump immediately into “Okay this is the one I’m sure of it and now I’m going to push this and twist it and force it. We’re going to make this a thing whether he likes to or not!” Ew.

What makes me not able to just go with the flow like so many other people? One of my best friends was telling me the timeline of the relationship with her fiancé. They didn’t even really discuss exclusivity for like 6 months. Didn’t refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend until a year. Now I realize people are different and we don’t all work the same… but my last relationship I was pushing for both of those things to exist within 2 months. 2 months of even really knowing one another. My brain was already living back on the east coast and I was forgetting about all the things I had in the present. Like hobbies, friends, family.. a life.

I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. I mean I was in a relationship sure.. but I don’t think we both were. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s not anyone’s fault. Well it’s my fault. I know so many things about how you’re supposed to act and feel and be. I know that you’re supposed to set boundaries and you’re not supposed to just give your heart away at the first site of someone attractive and sweet. I know that you’re not supposed to chase or be caught easily. I know that as a woman if you have any self worth and value you’re supposed to let them come to you. They should want to. I shouldn’t be chasing boys around the playground anymore at the ripe old age of 30.

I know all of these things… yet the one thing missing from my smart little brain is the HOW. HOW in the HELL do women do this? How do you love yourself enough to just let go and have faith? How how how.

And that’s what I intend on finding out. How to not give chase…how to not be 5 year old Katie with 10,000 insecurities.

The only baggage I have is that.. insecurities.

So I’m going to learn how to unpack my bags and stay awhile.

Why It Sucks To Be In Love with Love.. (But not yourself..)

Every time I fall in love I think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.

Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to continue for far too long.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I love to make them feel special and cared for."  And then I stopped. That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard. Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for 10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.." So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a really good head on my shoulders"?

And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her the absolute best way they could?

The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
 
 I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those 10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently. 

Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for. 

But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5. 
 

Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally. 

Broken Bowls and Lightbulbs

I've been here 5 months. Almost. It will be 5 months on the 14th of this month.

I really love it here. It's near perfect.

I have amazing friends here that have become best friends.

Their families are also amazing and their friends have become my friends.

I love that about this place. I also love the air, the smells, and how I feel when I'm here. I love my independence. I love that I'm doing this whole thing on my own.

However, I am really missing my family today. I am beside myself actually.

My mom had bought me this set of bowls months ago and finally shipped them to me this last week. I opened them today and one was broken. I lost it. Serious breakdown. It was a gift from my mother and it had been broken by some asshole who clearly doesn't know what "fragile" means. The box looks like it's been drop kicked. I have had maybe 3 real breakdowns since I've been here and they all stem back to those jerks back home. The ones that raised me to be the kind of person who can just take off and move 35 hours away. I really really miss them.

I've done a lot since I've been here. I've accomplished a lot of things. I am starting new things and meeting new people. (Still single, I know that surprises all of you.. ha) But I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I am also learning that the hardest part about growing up is that my family likes Montana and no matter how hard I try I'll never convince any of them to come live here. With me. In my 500 sq/ft box.

I've also learned that apartment management doesn't replace light bulbs in really high ceiling fans and now I'm on the hunt for someone with a ladder so I can just fix it my damn self. This is one of those moments where I wish I had a guy in my life. I know I can fix the stupid thing myself and I really don't need a guy to do it, but wouldn't it be nice to just have the offer?

You're right. I'll just go buy my own damn ladder.

Chase Your Love

I've moved for love before. I moved to Wyoming because of what I thought was love. It was my idea (at the time) of what love is. Basically I moved because I was dependent on that person to make me happy and I've always hated that I moved for a boy.

I've always thought people were absolutely ridiculous for doing the same. Don't do it. That was my mantra. Don't ever move for a guy. Or for love. Or for anything that isn't 100% selfish. Ha.

Okay so fast forward to this morning when I read this article titled: "Staying Is Settling". The article basically outlines different reasons to move. And why we should move often. I have always been a big fan of the moving, the changing, and the different experiences that can come from a move or change.

However, #3 kind of threw me for a loop because it goes against everything I believe when it comes to moving and love.

I've also never looked at love as being the ultimate destination because let's be honest: I am a scrooge, grinch, grump, and just all out against love. Well, I have been in the past. A lot about this journey I am currently on has been discovering different ways to love. Without reservation, without dependency, and with full trust. Willing to fall and not be caught. That's what I'm learning. I can fall... or I can stay still. I've never liked to stay in one place so I am teaching myself to be more willing to fall.

The first line in this particular section of this particular article says this: To chase love is to chase happinesses. I agree that self-love equals happiness. I'll never disagree with that. This sentence held a little more meaning to me though. I took from it that chasing love, whether it's self love or the love of another, is what makes humans happy. Because after all, love is one of our most basic instincts. This was solidified by another line further down: If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.

I loved the point behind this even though I am still up in the air for my feelings on love. I moved to Wyoming for what I thought was love and/or happiness. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But it was an experience regardless of what it actually was or wasn't.

Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. 

Now I'm not saying I would move for love again in a heart beat. No, I'm not saying that at all especially since I have found something quite special here in NC. And that's nothing more than a relationship I have established with myself! However, I am less inclined to find someone to be a total nut job if it's something that they want to do.

Chase your love. Whatever your love is. Make sure you're going after it. And make sure that whatever experience comes from it is worth it for the greater good.

Sweet Dreams Aren't Made of This

I've always looked at my dreams like they are something. They mean something. They represent something.

Last nights dream though I am completely at a loss. Have you ever had a dream about someone you are fond of? Close to? Care about? I'm talking new friendships, new crushes, or just new people in your life.

I hardly have dreams where friendships are ugly. They are always perfectly perfect. We're getting along swimmingly and things are dreamy, if you will. If it's someone I have a crush on, it appears to be the perfect relationship. If it's a new OR old friend the friendship is like two superheroes working perfectly together. I've mentioned before my crazy dream friends that I have. People I don't know at all in real life but they are there in my dreams to help me solve whatever problem or to help me get through the ever present video game dreams I have all too often. You know, the ones where you know you're dreaming and so you actually start "playing" it like it's a video game? You know you have to get to point A to resolve something happening in point B.

Well last night... I had a dream about a friend of mine and it wasn't perfect. In fact they were crude and gross and mean. They were overly pushy and obnoxious. They were mean to my mom. They were just flat mean. They weren't this "perfect" person I've had in my mind's eyes. In fact, they were sloppy, tangled, and a down right hot mess. I know this person in real life isn't any of these things. In fact, I have found them to be considerate and kind. So I wonder if this dream was put in place to bring me back down to earth with all of this. I allow myself to float on clouds when it comes to people. I allow myself to get too wrapped up in their opinion of me. I bring myself into such a tornado of emotion because of how much emphasis I've placed on these people.

I think my dream brain was reminding my conscious brain to just hit the breaks. Stop analyzing friendships and relationships as if they are claim denials to solve at work. I over think and over analyze everything.

Take a breath, Tikalsky. Life works out the way it's supposed to and life is beyond funny sometimes.

And Cinderella, if dreams are a wish your heart makes... then my heart has seriously weird wishes!

Save Your Breath - I'll Catch Mine Eventually

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate to be warned about someone or something? I hate it. Why are you telling me all these things? What benefit to you is it to get that warning out there? You don't think I've had enough disappointment in my life that I can't handle a little bit more - if disappointment is even the end result? You don't think I can handle a let down? Or that I haven't been let down in the past? Yes, I am sick of disappointment. Yes, I hate being let down -- but You literally cannot shield another person from experiences.

Experiences. That's what life is. It's a combination of planned events, unplanned events, bullets to dodge, and dun dun dun.. experiences.

Every single decision we make during the day is ours to make. Do you remember in my last post when we discussed (I say "we" like you had any choice.. no I discussed) freewill. The ability to choose our own choices. Well I choose my Choice. I Choose My Choice. (Thanks, Charlotte York-Goldenblatt for this little quip). I choose to get wrapped up in something that may or may not work out because I have faith that things always will. Even though I know that disappointment and let down happens. I am well aware of these things.

I am well aware that my rose colored glasses I see everyone and everything through are often tainted by the goodness I believe exists in all people. I am well aware that this isn't a movie and this is real life and bad things happen to good and bad people and that karma is a bitch and that people can most definitely treat other people with vagrant ignorance. I get it. However, I don't choose to treat people this way. I don't purposely try to screw anyone over and hurt them, so I don't expect anyone to actually do that to me. Even though, it has definitely happened. No one warned me about those people. No. Where were the warnings with them? Nowhere. Do I even on some level wish someone would have been there to say "Now, Katie..." because that would have instantly taken away my ability to choose my own choice.

In closing: Unless you have evidence that someone is a serial killer rapist pedophile or can show me specific examples of where someone has specifically said "Cannot wait to screw ____ over" then mind your own business.

That's it: Mind ya bid'ness

A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon

I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am. 

I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.

I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well. 

See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).

Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.

I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.

You're welcome.

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

A New Beginning.. Again

You're all about to go on another adventure with me.

No, I'm not moving again.

I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.

Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!

Soon to be an after! 

Labor Day '14

Well, we did it. Another Labor Day weekend has come and gone. I flew home to Dillon for my class reunion and also for all the Labor Day shenanigans in general. 

I'm constantly reminded by the company that I keep that I am beyond lucky. In every sense of that word. I saw faces I haven't seen in days, months, and years. I hugged, laughed, sang, drank, talked, and yelled my way through Labor Day weekend. Literally, I have no voice. 

I read something not long ago about how best friends in high school become distant friends and then fall into the acquaintance category. My story is different. Our story. In our story friends from preschool are still some of my best friends. Elementary, junior high, and high school. In my 20s I have found myself only loving these people more. 

Falling right back in step with one another. Creating new memories and telling old stories. 

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in Dillon and to have known the people I know. My heart is full. Not at capacity though as I'm always welcoming new people into the circle and they fall in place with us like they've known us for years. 

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The only thing I need now is some new vocal cords and a liver transplant. 

Dillon, you have proven to me yet again that you are the worlds greatest small town and we're all lucky to know you.