Every time I fall in love I
think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is
what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel
comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be
found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own
boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.
Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind
and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and
still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I
turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and
crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to
continue for far too long.
I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just
met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I
said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious
stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I
love to make them feel special and cared for." And then I stopped.
That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard.
Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for
10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things
about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great
conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to
have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be
there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by
friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.."
So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was
stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside
myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a
really good head on my shoulders"?
And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud
and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her
the absolute best way they could?
The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I
fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling
into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To
guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice
guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those
10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently.
Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for.
But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5.
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