Playground Antics

Here’s something fun:

All this writing I do? It means nothing. It’s my words and thoughts and ideas. It’s the words thoughts and ideas of my friends and family. It’s things I’ve read in books or listened to on podcasts. It’s probably the things I’m going to be learning in the next few weeks. But why can’t I apply them? Why is it that I have a bit of confidence, I’m sure of myself, and I’m pretty stable.. until I meet a guy? Why do I always jump immediately into “Okay this is the one I’m sure of it and now I’m going to push this and twist it and force it. We’re going to make this a thing whether he likes to or not!” Ew.

What makes me not able to just go with the flow like so many other people? One of my best friends was telling me the timeline of the relationship with her fiancé. They didn’t even really discuss exclusivity for like 6 months. Didn’t refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend until a year. Now I realize people are different and we don’t all work the same… but my last relationship I was pushing for both of those things to exist within 2 months. 2 months of even really knowing one another. My brain was already living back on the east coast and I was forgetting about all the things I had in the present. Like hobbies, friends, family.. a life.

I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. I mean I was in a relationship sure.. but I don’t think we both were. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s not anyone’s fault. Well it’s my fault. I know so many things about how you’re supposed to act and feel and be. I know that you’re supposed to set boundaries and you’re not supposed to just give your heart away at the first site of someone attractive and sweet. I know that you’re not supposed to chase or be caught easily. I know that as a woman if you have any self worth and value you’re supposed to let them come to you. They should want to. I shouldn’t be chasing boys around the playground anymore at the ripe old age of 30.

I know all of these things… yet the one thing missing from my smart little brain is the HOW. HOW in the HELL do women do this? How do you love yourself enough to just let go and have faith? How how how.

And that’s what I intend on finding out. How to not give chase…how to not be 5 year old Katie with 10,000 insecurities.

The only baggage I have is that.. insecurities.

So I’m going to learn how to unpack my bags and stay awhile.