Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.
In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.
I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.
I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.
In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.
I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.
Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!
You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.
Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me
Let's call it Part 1.
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