6 Years Ago

6 years ago was such a different time for me.

I was moving back to my home town, away from a new life I thought I wanted. I didn't have any of my own money, I didn't own my own vehicle, I had no idea where my life was going, I hadn't had a steady job for almost a year and I was probably the single most miserable human being in the world.

I was sad. All the time. I was in a shitty relationship and I was moving home. Back to my home town. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs. I could already feel my boyfriend at the time pulling away from me. Slowly but surely. I ignored it because I was terrified to be alone. I was miserable in my own skin.

Things improved over time. I fell back in with some old friends and we partied our faces off that summer. I started working for the company I've now been with for 6 years and continued to meet some awesome people at the office. My friends in and out of the office grew closer and closer. In about December of 2008, the relationship basically ended with the grand finale being February 13th 2009 when he brought me my things and left in tears. He did. I made him cry. It was good moment for me considering I had cried for 3 years. It was his turn.

After that, bad decisions were made most weekends, however, I have a policy where I try to not regret the things I wanted at the time. And I don't regret any of those decisions.

Moving on to the fall of 2009. I started college! I picked my major (Public Relations) and I was on my way.

Made a lot more bad decisions most weekends. Still, I have never regret a single one. I let myself get lead on, lied to, and used.. And looking back on all that went on these last 6 years.. I am grateful to everyone I have encountered. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

Fast forward to now: I have a great job, a degree in Public Relations, money in the bank, the best friends a girl could want, an amazing relationship with my family, I own my own vehicle and I am 100% completely and totally proud of myself.

The girl that moved home 6 years ago is not the same girl leaving home next week.

5 Things I Plan on Doing When I Move

1. Starting a brand new daily routine. I am literally going to wake up and do things differently on my very first working day in NC. My current routine has me disheveled and leaving the house in disarray before I head to work. I am going to first make myself a cup of coffee and grab a book or "Drop 7" (favorite phone game) and just breath. I might take myself for a walk (time permitting) or just simply meditate on the day going great. If I end up getting cable, I'll watch the news. Or simply put away the dishes from the night before. Currently I wake up, shower, and leave. I really want that extra time in the morning to just recharge and energize and get ready for the day.

2. I will not frequent the same places twice in a week. I might pick a grocery store and stick to it, however, I am going to not go to the same coffee shops, restaurants, bars, salons, gas stations, or any other little shops I might stop into. This way, I don't get stuck in a bad routine with places that aren't the right fit. I can almost audition different places and might even end up in the place where I make new friends or find the love of my life. But those 2 things won't just be in any old place. They'll be in the 'right' place.

3. I will take myself out on dates. I have never gone to a movie, a restaurant or a bar and just sat completely by myself. If I do that in my home town I won't be alone. I'll inevitably know someone else in that establishment and thus the solo date usually turns into sitting with someone else or another group or what have you. I really want to go to dinner and then a movie completely and totally alone. Maybe stop at a bar on the way home and have a beer or two and then take myself home. Maybe cuddle with myself. That last part is a stretch. I just really want to get to know me. And sometimes the best way to do that is to date yourself. I hope I don't get something stuck in my teeth or say something embarrassing... to myself...

4. I am going to join a gym. This is a given though. My apartment building has a gym and the Y is only 11 minutes from where I'll be living. I need a gym to sustain my sanity. Working out is not only super great for physical health it's also amazing for well-being. I think people say this kind of stuff all the time and a lot of people just roll their eyes - but seriously. It's a brilliant escape and that whole endorphin thing? Not a rumor.

5. I am going to suck it up and talk on the phone. As many of my close friends know, being on the phone is my least favorite part about the day. I am on the phone constantly at work. We talk to Medicare, other providers and sometimes patients. Being on the phone all day basically means I loathe being on the phone after work. However, in order to keep in touch with the brilliant and beautiful people I know back home, I'm going to have to just do it. I have always wanted to change my voice mail to "Hang up and just text me". But, I know I'll soon discover that being on the phone with my favorite people back home will actually be a nice little release. (Along with a bottle of wine.. or 2)

10 Days!

I keep going off on self-pity rants lately. I need to stop that.

So maybe I'm afraid of commitment and I don't know what I want in life and I dwell on the past too damn much. I'm always seeking out ways to see what people from my past are up to (also known as stalking).

wah wah wah

It has to stop. And it's stopping now. I vow to not dip into the past any longer because I don't live there.

Back to the initial point of this blog as a whole: My move!

I'm making my move in 10 days! 10 Days! 10.

I basically have these days to pack, celebrate and say 'love you mean it' to the wonderful people in my Montana life.

Closing this chapter is bittersweet. This particular chapter was 6 years long. That's like a chapter in War and Peace. I started out moving home temporarily. The ol' ex and I were going to take a quick break, get back together and move to AZ. Instead, I stayed in Montana and he became a Mormon. The best thing that ever happened to me! I got a killer job in 2008, started college in 2009, made incredible friends, partied my face off, made bad decisions, bought myself a car, paid it off in 2014, got my degree in 2014, and NOW... I am heading out on an adventure of a life time!

It's almost 6 years to the day of me moving home that I am now leaving. I came back July 10th 2008. I remember because it was just a few days before my step sisters wedding. And now, July 11th 2014 I'm off again! This time on my own accord, with my own rules. I have never been shy about being myself. I am actually really good at just being me and I don't hide that fact from anyone. At any given time I'm emotional, funny, shy, outgoing, outspoken, loud, lazy, energetic, drunk, sober, laughing, happy, grumpy, beautiful, sloppy, put together, nightmare-ish...

I am going to take all of these great things about me to a whole new state and turn it upside down. Or at least try to.

Today is July 1st and in 10 days I am outta here.

Attention Seeker - Obviously

I like attention.

I'm not sure any of you were aware of that. (Sarcasm)

But really, I like attention. A lot. I like having someone to talk to and lean on when I need them but I'm not always available to others. I like to remain guarded, however, I let too much sit on the table too early. I want someone to listen to my woes and problems, but I am really terrible at reciprocating that. I'm not a great listener. I cannot stand to be ignored, but I will ignore the shit out of you.

I think I am ready to admit something to myself and all (20) of you. I am terrified of commitment. I can't commit my heart to one single person. I cheated once. On my very first 'boyfriend' and I always felt terrible about it and it's always been something that I think about a lot. We weren't even very serious and we were really young. But what happened, happened. I guess I technically cheated on my last boyfriend, too. Does it really count though when we were actually just in a long drawn out breakup process anyways? I knew we were done. He knew we were done. We were just waiting for the 'divide up all of our shit' day and that time was still months away. It was shortly after he told me he wanted to rejoin his faith. Which was LDS. I told him from the get go that I would literally never be a part of that. It just wasn't going to happen.

I just went off on a rather pointless tangent there. My point actually is this: I really think I want love and I'm ready TO love, however, I have not a single clue as to what that actually is. Thinking long term with anyone is terrifying. What if plans with the boyfriend/husband interferes or takes me away from friends and family? Granted, I'm moving across the country 35 hours away from most of my friends and family, however, I could not imagine going to anyone else's family home for Christmases or Thanksgivings. Or what if I end up with one of those people (again) that no one in the family actually likes and it makes holidays super awkward?

These are the things I always hold in the back of my head. A lot of these things I've never said out loud. Actually, I've never admitted them to myself really. Not in the official sense. I seem to find people who can give me plenty of attention, but actually letting my heart love them is seriously difficult. I love my friends and I'm really good at making new ones. I love my family and my friends turn into family rather quickly. However, relationships? Do they have to be so... certain? Or is it simply because I haven't actually met someone that I'm supposed to be with that I'm so damn wishy washy.

There will eventually be a time when I meet someone who complements me and doesn't just compliment me.

Day 1 #100happydays

Day 1 and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and continue to heal from the amount of drinking I did this weekend.

Now that I've addressed that let's start with what made me happy today. Hank! Every time I look down at his adorable little face, messy hair and crooked arms.. I can't help but smile. I've made him cowboy hats, referee jerseys, and I've even given him a mustache or two. I found his best friend Eric while downtown on Christmas Eve a few years ago. They have been inseparable ever since. I brought him a sea shell last year from NC that he adores and he loves bananas, ChapStick, and making new friends.

He is really one of a kind. Well sort of, I did have to buy a whole box of him because he's fragile and his little face falls off after a while. He likes to take selfies or pose with friends. He's versatile like that. 

So he was my #Day1 because he's so simple and adorable. Just like life :)

My #100HappyDays

I wrote a whole post earlier that basically resulted in me feeling worse than I would have had I just let the negativity go. 

So, I'm starting over with this. 

Today is a perfect day! I am still alive.

Shouldn't that be enough? I take so many days for granted by calling them bad days or letting myself be a grump ass all day. Or by letting other people determine how my day is going to go. Shitty drivers, past friends, asshole clerks, loud kids...

Today all I can do is my best and forget about the past. Even yesterday which isn't hard because I drank entirely too much last night anyway. Oh and my brilliant drunk ass sent some texts. Which isn't unheard of for me. But one particular text was really angry and full of really bad grammar. I'm mostly sorry for the grammar. 

Back to the point of this post: tomorrow I am starting #100HappyDays. Inspired by a friend on Instagram. She's a very kind person and her happy posts even make me smile so my happy posts are bound to change my life... Right? 

My number one all time favorite movie in the entire world (Poolhall Junkies) has a quote that I really need to pay more attention to. 

"Every day is a good day, kid..just try missing one once!" Duh

High Five Your Intuition

Women want a gentleman. Right? I mean for the most part we want someone who falls under this definition:

gent·le·manˈjentlmən/

noun

1.a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.

Let's break that down: 

Chivalrous: behaving in an honorable or polite way especially toward women

Courteous: very polite in a way that shows respect

Honorable: having or showing honesty and good moral character

So basically a gentleman, in today's world, would honor the relationship (no matter how small) he has with a woman. He would respect her enough to get to the bottom of things and not just bail on the relationship (again no matter how small).  There would be a conversation. There would be balls involved. Big ones. Unless of course said gentleman is ball-less. Which, in most of my most recent cases.. this happened to be true. I'm sure of it.

So, what is a 'good moral character'? Is that carrying on multiple relationships with many women at once? Is that trying to figure out which woman he is carrying on with is going to benefit him the most and thus dropping the others like a bad habit when another is more convenient? I don't know about you, but that direction isn't on my own personal moral compass and I'd be hard pressed to find a respectable moral person to actually have that on theirs. 

I guess what I'm getting at here is that... it's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not you .. it actually is quite literally him. But maybe it's a little bit you and me because aren't we allowing this sort of behavior... right? In a sense? There is smart and then there is intuition. And then there is a smart intuition. 

I would say my intuition needs to be trusted a bit more and I need to give it more credit. 

More high fives and coffee breaks. Definitely.