Put Me In Coach

My whole life I've been the girl with the pretty face. The girl with the hot friends. The girl with the hot brothers. The girl with the good personality. The big girl.

The girl who settles for someone who will settle for her.

I find that if I go for less than what I deserve maybe they'll settle for me. I somehow feel like I've deserved the things I've been dealt. The relationships that have left me torn apart. The friends that have walked all over me. The guys who want a good time..not a long time. The guys who aren't honest, don't communicate, aren't willing to go above any measure, who aren't able to commit to just me... I've always told myself I don't deserve better than this. I always though I was just the girl someone settles for. Not someone anyone would want to seriously be with. All because of how I look.

I've always felt like I don't deserve to even really put my foot down and demand things in a relationship because look at me! Why would I deserve anyone who calls when they say they will? Wants to see me often? Wants to buy ME dinner? Wants to surprise me with fun gifts? Initiates conversation? Who smiles when I text them? Who wants to be in an actual relationship with me and not this half assed open relationship new age bullshit?

I tell people I'm not comfortable with other people paying for things for me. Movie tickets, dinners, drinks... The truth is I don't feel like I deserve any of that stuff. Like I don't deserve someone to want to spoil me and make me feel cared for! Treat me like I'm half a person because that's how I feel.

On paper I'm a dream girl. I'm laid back, hilarious, great conversationalist, I get along with anyone, I have amazing friends, I have a great job and I make my own money, I care about people with my whole heart, I'm goofy and unconventional,  I try to always be there for people who need me, I'm generous and I like to make sure everyone is having a good time, I'm curious and intelligent. I'm so many damn good things.

But because I'm a big girl I've put up with mediocre bullshit from all kinds of people.

And today...that all ends. Well yesterday. But I'm just writing this today. So today.

Because I am not my body, I'm not my weight, and I'm not my size.

I feel like I met myself for the first time last night during my very first session with a life coach. Yah. You read that right. A life coach. Because some of us have struggles and some of us have read every self help book out there and some of us don't know how to end the cycle and just love ourselves fully and completely.

Sportsing people didn't just learn to sports because they picked up their sports ball. They had a coach.

I just happened to not know how to life...so I hired a life coach.

Playground Antics

Here’s something fun:

All this writing I do? It means nothing. It’s my words and thoughts and ideas. It’s the words thoughts and ideas of my friends and family. It’s things I’ve read in books or listened to on podcasts. It’s probably the things I’m going to be learning in the next few weeks. But why can’t I apply them? Why is it that I have a bit of confidence, I’m sure of myself, and I’m pretty stable.. until I meet a guy? Why do I always jump immediately into “Okay this is the one I’m sure of it and now I’m going to push this and twist it and force it. We’re going to make this a thing whether he likes to or not!” Ew.

What makes me not able to just go with the flow like so many other people? One of my best friends was telling me the timeline of the relationship with her fiancé. They didn’t even really discuss exclusivity for like 6 months. Didn’t refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend until a year. Now I realize people are different and we don’t all work the same… but my last relationship I was pushing for both of those things to exist within 2 months. 2 months of even really knowing one another. My brain was already living back on the east coast and I was forgetting about all the things I had in the present. Like hobbies, friends, family.. a life.

I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. I mean I was in a relationship sure.. but I don’t think we both were. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. It’s not anyone’s fault. Well it’s my fault. I know so many things about how you’re supposed to act and feel and be. I know that you’re supposed to set boundaries and you’re not supposed to just give your heart away at the first site of someone attractive and sweet. I know that you’re not supposed to chase or be caught easily. I know that as a woman if you have any self worth and value you’re supposed to let them come to you. They should want to. I shouldn’t be chasing boys around the playground anymore at the ripe old age of 30.

I know all of these things… yet the one thing missing from my smart little brain is the HOW. HOW in the HELL do women do this? How do you love yourself enough to just let go and have faith? How how how.

And that’s what I intend on finding out. How to not give chase…how to not be 5 year old Katie with 10,000 insecurities.

The only baggage I have is that.. insecurities.

So I’m going to learn how to unpack my bags and stay awhile.

Glue Not Required

To touch on my last post a bit more...

I'm starting to realize that being in love with love is actually dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and ...sad really. When you want someone to stay in your life so bad so you think of ways to make them love you. Paying for things, compromising your own ideals, telling them you fell in love with them when really you're not sure but it feels like the thing to say to make someone stay. It essentially boils down to this: I will hold on for dear life for someone to love me because I don't love myself. Not yet anyway.

Holding on to something that isn't meant to be is tragic. It's painful. Forcing someone to stay in your life is also a little bit (probably more than a little bit..more like really and extremely) pathetic. Making someone feel bad for not loving you is probably some form of emotional abuse too. Of this I am guilty.

Oh man that magical feeling though. The knot in your chest, lump in your throat, panicked feeling. The "why hasn't he texted me back?", "he didn't call when he said he would..", "why did he like that post?", "why didn't he like my post?", "why didn't he say I love you (for the 17th time today)?"

See what I mean? How can this be love? Love isn't stressful and full of anxiety! Love shouldn't be forced or controlled. It should go smoothly. Both parties should be involved. Both parties should be making an effort. If one side is falling back you don't tug at it, string it up, pin it down, duct tape it... You let it go. Don't lower yourself to the level that makes you look needy, selfish, desperate. Just cut your losses and move on. And is it really a loss? If that other person can't love you the way you deserve? Makes you feel crazy? Ignores you? Makes excuses? Even...even lies to you to try and somehow soften the blows?

Don't be a ragdoll. Don't constantly stitch pieces of someone else to you. You won't be whole that way. That's just you with parts of someone else.

You want the whole of someone...but you have to have the whole of you first.

Why It Sucks To Be In Love with Love.. (But not yourself..)

Every time I fall in love I think "Well this is actually love! The last time wasn't love. This is what it is supposed to feel like!" And then I settle on that and feel comfortable. I put up with all kinds of things that are no where to be found on my "list" of qualifications. I just can't uphold my own boundaries when a sweet word from a kind smile are getting lobbed at me.

Not very many men have been nice to me...so when they are I lose my mind and dive in head first and ultimately lose myself. I forget to live and still have a life. I hold on so tight to a promise and a hope that I turn a blind eye to all the stuff that's making me feel anxious and crazy. I don't take a stand and I allow way less than what I deserve to continue for far too long.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday who doesn't know me. At all. We just met. She asked me what I "brought to the table" in a relationship. I said "well I'm spontaneous and fun but I like to make sure the serious stuff doesn't get in the way. I do a lot for the person I'm with and I love to make them feel special and cared for."  And then I stopped. That's all I had to say. She said "That is the shortest list I've heard. Want to know my list for you?" Now keep in mind we've been speaking for 10 minutes at this point. Well, she went on for about 3 minutes. Things about me that were true but I could never say that. "You're a great conversationalist. You are gorgeous and any man would be so lucky to have you as arm candy! You're really funny and you're a stand up and be there kind of girl for everyone in your life. You are surrounded by friends so you bring new people and new elements into someone's life.." So on and so forth. She ended with "Was any of that not true?" I was stunned. Well stunned is an understatement. I was crying and just beside myself. It was all true. But you think I could ever say any of that out loud? That I'm also "smart as a whip, fiercely independent and a really good head on my shoulders"?

And do you think that a girl that could say any of those things out loud and felt that way would ever put up with someone who didn't treat her the absolute best way they could?

The problem is...I've always been in love with the idea of love. So I fall in what I think is love which is usually just akin to me falling into neediness, desperation, clinginess and to all the wrong ones. To guys who really don't deserve it. Now, I'm not saying these aren't nice guys. Nice sure. Just not at all what I deserve.
 
 I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm funny, and I know I'm smart. But those 10 cent words do nothing to describe what everyone else sees apparently. 

Oh and in case you're wondering.. My short list includes things like "be a great communicator, be a great partner in life, be financially stable, be kind, and be hilarious.." I've always been able to find two of these things and then put up with the rest being less than great. 2 out of 5. If I remember correctly from elementary math that's less than half of the things I'm looking for. 

But... a girl who still uses 10 cent words to briefly describe herself probably doesn't line up with someone who is 5/5. 
 

A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.

Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally.