A Basic Lyric Analysis

Every single time I listen to "Ashes" by Josh Martinez I think about the days leading up to my move from MT to NC. If you haven't listened to this song yet, you must. That's kind of an order. YouTube. My middle brother sent me this song on Spotify shortly before the big move date. I don't know if he meant anything by it, however, I over analyze absolutely everything in my life (especially music and lyrics) and so when I heard the first verse, the chills were deep and the excitement of what was ahead of me caused a little jolt to my chest and spine.

"This ain't about love.. it's about me.. times tickin', spine thickened, thy will is free" 

I still get tears in my eyes with this lyric. Tears because I miss my brother a lot. We didn't live far from each other when I was still in Montana and I want to say as much as we argued and hated each other growing up...we kind of became like peas and carrots for the years I was back home and up until the day we said good bye. Also tears because regardless if he meant for me to take these lyrics literally, they were taken literally. And they pretty much solidified my decision to move. This wasn't about absolutely anything except for me. My time in Dillon was long and beyond worth it and time for me to go was definitely on the clock, I was weak when I walked back into town in 2008 and a whole different person walked out of there in 2014. And "thy will is free?" Well, you know the basic definition of freewill and you know that can be something we don't exercise often enough. I at one time had allowed myself to be so dependent on another person, I felt like I didn't have any freewill. By no ones fault, but my own. I allowed my decision make process to be done by someone else. And even if he didn't mean to be the 'control' in my life, I allowed him to be. For far too long. My independence now means more to me than absolutely anything. I can't stand someone trying to tell me how to live now. If I want your advice, I will come to you and ask for it. If not, please stay out of my way and let my choices be mine.

"I know we both have dreams but I'm in my prime.. no dreams are more important than mine"

For me, this line held a lot of power. I forget that I have dreams. I forget that I have things I want to accomplish in this life. I know a lot of people might have expected me to stay in Dillon. Hell, I did. I always told myself I couldn't live without friends and family nearby. I forgot while I was telling myself that though that friends and family are all over and they are easily made. And re-made. And kept. A great majority of my friends don't even live in Montana anymore. We're all spread out. They left to follow their dreams so why am I hanging on when I have a plan and a dream in my own head? I stayed in Dillon to finish my degree and then I was out. I split. It was quick and it was hard but damn it, I have never done anything more worth it in my life. Because friends have been kept and new friends have been made. And I'm lucky to know all the people I do.

"Either way in crisis, there's opportunity and being by myself ain't nothin' new to me"

Being by myself isn't new. I've been 'alone' for 6 years. Single. Technically. And it's never felt lonely because I've always had a crazy good time no matter who I'm with. When I first moved to NC I didn't know a soul, as you probably remember from previous posts. I never felt lonely though. Everywhere I went, I was going with a smile on my face. I didn't dread going home, I didn't dread going out and doing things alone. I haven't once regretted this decision. I have had exactly one break down since I moved here and it was all due to the fact that I miss having animals in my life. That feeling has passed since I realized even an animal at home would really limit this freedom thing I love so much. 

And since getting here I quickly met 2 girls in the office that quite literally took me by the hand and have brought such immense happiness to my soul. I expected I would meet some friends here eventually. I didn't expect to find these two though. Hilarious, blunt, kind, compassionate, smart, and beyond fun. We have ridiculous inside jokes already. We have regular nail dates and they've both told me that if I need a holiday home to escape to they would take me in. We laugh at each other like we've known each other for 10 years. They are supportive and beautiful on the inside and out. They already mean so much to me. It blows my mind. 

"Threw on a fake mustache to get my groove back"

This line speaks for itself... I mean really. I'm not explaining this.

If you still haven't listened to this song though, I am going to question our friendship. It's a pretty powerful piece.

Burn this shit down... at ashes.

3 Months, Little Fish! 3 Months!

It's a very strange concept to me still to wake up in the morning in North Carolina. I live here now. My adventures are here now. My life choices are here. My life choice was to move to here and now my every day choices are here. I have to drink filtered water all the time because the water is gross, it's mid October and I haven't seen a drop of snow, I don't see my breath in the morning when I step outside, I have yet to use my remote start on my car because it's just not cold enough, I haul my laundry up and down 3 flights of stairs when I want to do laundry, I drive 20 minutes to work every day on a busy interstate, I drive 30 minutes home every day on the same interstate that is always substantially busier, I have like 15 grocery stores in a 20 mile radius to choose from, Walmart is 5 minutes from my apartment, produce is fresh and takes forever to actually go bad here, some people have thick southern accents, while others don't hardly have a twang, there is diversity here, I see different people and hardly ever the same every time I leave my apartment to go venture out, I am close to concerts and shows I might actually want to see...

You know what they don't tell you about moving in all of those moving blogs? The one aspect that they miss in every single one that I read? If you move across the country from your friends and family: you'll be just fine. I'm not saying it's for everyone...but it was definitely for me.

Be an extrovert in a small town. Tell me how that works out for you. Do you always feel like you just don't have enough leg room? Like your voice is going to carry to the next town over? Like no matter who you know or what you do, it's never enough because of what you did 2 days ago? Like you have to leave town every chance you get because you crave something quicker and more broad?

Maybe it's like you are a goldfish, but you're brown and small and, let's be honest, kind of ugly. They've got you in this tank that doesn't allow you to adapt to anymore than the small surroundings you are in. You swim in circles and see the same rock, the same 'No Fishing' sign, the same little cave formations you frequent with your other fish friends. You love those places and you love your tank and you absolutely love your friends. You find comfort in knowing things won't change and you know everything like the back of your fin. But then something happens and you're placed in a bigger tank. A tank with multiple caves and new rocks, new fish for you to meet and many more nooks and crannies for you to dive into. Pretty soon, you're growing and your scales are changing from an ugly brown to a brilliant orange-gold. You're swimming faster than you thought possible and you're losing your fear of every single thing that scared you before. You're willing to face more dangers and you've become less cautious about every little bump against the glass.

I just realized I used a fish reference and I'm a Pisces

Man, I'm adorable. You're welcome.

Scrambled Writing, Hold the Bacon

I'm writing this little intro after having written this post and all I got to say is: I don't blame you if you read this and think I'm nuts. I probably am. 

I have started writing again this morning and every time I start I end up sounding whiny and needy. Art imitating life. Ha. I start to write about why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm single. And as I'm writing I figure out why. I put way too much emphasis on that portion of my life that I forget about the real important shit. The nitty gritty if you will.

I do want a relationship. Although, I ask myself every day why I care to even want one when they're mostly bullshit. But, really, I do want one! It's just that I keep forgetting that I don't actually need a relationship, I never have needed one. I don't 'need' a guy in my life at all. Simple as that. I read an article about "why single girls in their 20s are still single" and it basically said: "Lower your expectations and boost your confidence" Wait what? Conflicting. Why lower your expectations if you have self confidence? That seems counterproductive. I don't even see how I'd need to lower my expectations: Be funny, be kind, be passionate about absolutely anything, be nice to your mom, have friends... I've never asked for a 6-figure guy in a suit with a corner office. (Although, if he is funny, kind and nice to his mom.. give him my number) Just be a f*cking human and treat other people well. 

See - this is the kind of tangent I keep going off on. Maybe I really am finally over being single? I've had a love affair with my single life for 6 years! Maybe it's time for us (me) to see other people (like a male human).

Back to me though: Things are smooth in this life. They really are. I literally have nothing to complain about. I haven't stopped loving North Carolina since the minute I crossed the state lines. I love the people here and the feeling that I get. I love that I don't miss home. I mean I miss people. Of course I do. I miss all of my people back home! But I haven't once thought to myself "Maybe I do belong in MT" because I've never in my life felt that to be true. The heart knows what it wants.. and my heart has never been in Montana.

I don't even know what topic this whole post was supposed to be about. This is how my brain works.

You're welcome.

Stop Needing and Start Living

I witness a lot of things go down on Facebook. I see all the posts and the inspirational sappy bullshit that comes along with it. I see the frustration with "stupid" men and "needy" women being put on display via some picture of a desert or forest with a cheesy caption.

Someone is always looking for their white knight, while tongue in cheek calling him a dumb ass in tin foil.I see the "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" and I also see the "I'm single because i'm awesome" posts.

Most of them I just let slide on by. No comment, no like. And often times, the more one posts these types of things the more I am going to want to and then eventually do just hide them from my news feed.

I saw one today though... that was like a slap in the face. Like a real wake up call.

"Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

My immediate thought was: Why in the world would you want someone so insecure in your life that they are constantly afraid you're going to walk away from them. You can't be alone at that point. They're following you around like a puppy. Literally. Puppies think they are going to be left and when you do leave them they shake and pee all over the floor. They chew up your shoes and just in general tear shit up. I'm not a dog person - clearly.

So the reason why this was a wake up call for me is because I have been that girl. The one afraid someone is going to just walk away and never come back. Never call me back. Never text me back. The girl riddled with insecurity. I know for me, an insecure guy is like the least attractive human being. Seriously. Who wants to deal with all that mess. Why would you really honestly want a man who is so beside himself that maybe you can't go out alone anymore with your friends. Or go on a trip to visit family - just you. Or to the damn grocery store. Or around the block for a quick jog. No one actually does that but you know what I mean.

If you want a guy who is afraid to lose you, get a puppy. If you want a relationship that will last though - confidence is key. I am not preaching this to you as the most confident human being - but confidence is powerful and maybe if you're not confident you should do something for yourself that will make you feel confident. Don't take someone else's love for you as validation for how you actually feel about yourself.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying once you're with someone that's it and they are enough and they should know that. You should continue to compliment that person. Tell them how you feel about them. If they look nice: tell them. If they smell nice: tell them. If dinner was amazing: tell them! If they make you laugh: tell them!!

Everyone loves a compliment and on our darkest days having the person that you love/like/lust after telling you you're beautiful/handsome/sexy/hilarious is sometimes all we need to clear up the clouds.

But remember this one phrase by a very bright and adorable little girl (Breanna Youn) whenever you are overly concerned about how someone else sees you:

Happy Almost 2 Month Anniversary, NC!

I'm rapidly approaching my 2 month anniversary of living in NC.

I have learned more than I realized.

1. I really AM okay alone. A lot of people say they're okay alone but wait until you are really alone and re-answer that question. I get lonely because I'm human...but I actually don't need anyone to fulfill any part of my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want friends and I want a good solid relationship. But these aren't necessary things in my life. I don't need anyone. I actually really like me. I'm fun. And adorable.

2. I actually am personable! So many people told me before I left not to worry because I will make friends easily. I kind of brushed it off. Yeah sure, whatever. People say things like that to people all the time to ease their mind. I knew I would make friends eventually but wow. I underestimated myself. I am personable and actually while it was terrifying to walk into this building alone the first time and see all these completely unfamiliar faces, I managed to make some pretty amazing friends in less than 2 months. They're sweet, kind, funny, and encouraging. And how could they not love me?

3. Driving fast is fun. I've always been one of those paranoid drivers. I hated bridges, passing semis, and going fast in general. Moving out here has changed all of that. Bridges everywhere along the east coast, semis are the majority of the road and if you're not going fast you're getting run over. By old ladies. In Buicks.

4. I do have a deep appreciation for where I come from. I'm really fortunate to have the friends I do back home and all over the country and the family that raised me. I couldn't be luckier. Seriously. I always knew these things, but this move only solidified how awesome my life has been and will continue to be.

5. I don't actually need a relationship. I put a lot of emphasis on finding love this summer. Finding a relationship. I don't know why. I think back in MT I was just craving something different. Well, lemme tell you, moving across the country was definitely different and seems to have satisfied that need. I still would like to eventually settle down and end up in a happy relationship but let's be honest, I'm only 28. Time is on my side. Being single also isn't like this horrible thing that you should run from... like the clap or crabs. It's actually freedom to make friends, your own decisions, and to make yourself happy.

Cue the rainbow and star "The More You Know..."

A New Beginning.. Again

You're all about to go on another adventure with me.

No, I'm not moving again.

I'm starting something... inspired by a friend of mine.

Stay tuned... I know you will, you loyalists!

Soon to be an after! 

Labor Day '14

Well, we did it. Another Labor Day weekend has come and gone. I flew home to Dillon for my class reunion and also for all the Labor Day shenanigans in general. 

I'm constantly reminded by the company that I keep that I am beyond lucky. In every sense of that word. I saw faces I haven't seen in days, months, and years. I hugged, laughed, sang, drank, talked, and yelled my way through Labor Day weekend. Literally, I have no voice. 

I read something not long ago about how best friends in high school become distant friends and then fall into the acquaintance category. My story is different. Our story. In our story friends from preschool are still some of my best friends. Elementary, junior high, and high school. In my 20s I have found myself only loving these people more. 

Falling right back in step with one another. Creating new memories and telling old stories. 

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in Dillon and to have known the people I know. My heart is full. Not at capacity though as I'm always welcoming new people into the circle and they fall in place with us like they've known us for years. 

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The only thing I need now is some new vocal cords and a liver transplant. 

Dillon, you have proven to me yet again that you are the worlds greatest small town and we're all lucky to know you.