A Tale Of 2 Katies (pt 2)

I left off the last one after kind of a big confession. The part where I admitted to believing in the hocus pocus of the Universe. Something I'm more often than not afraid to share with people because they look at Me like I'm  crazy. No, sir.. You're crazy for not believing. If you can honestly tell me you've woken up and stubbed your toe or got shampoo in your eye or done some other thing to yourself in the morning that displeased you and you continued on with a normal Happy day...then you're either a liar or you know the Universe. Accidentally or otherwise. Starting your morning off on a bad note and continuing your day on a bad note is not a "bad day". It's you not actively recognizing that things can actually get better and making it so.

Every single thing we feel brings change to our world. If you don't believe me or think this is some new age hippie bullshit, I suggest you google it. "Law of attraction" "thoughts become things". Some of the greatest philosophers of this world know about this. It's not new. It's old. Very old. 

Anyway, I brought change into my life by focusing a little energy on the good things in life instead of the lack. Friends all over the globe, amazing parents, a roof over my head...people call this being grateful. It really is key. I call it raising my vibration. (See: How To Allow by Susan Young). 

I listened to podcasts where people who were struggling with the same demons I was would call in with their questions. And they were MY questions. Every time I read a new book on the subject the author would wind up a guest on the next show I listened to or quite often the very book I was reading would be the subject. I changed the things I focused on to only good things and got more of those things. Nadine and I would talk about something and the next podcast I listened to would be of the same subject. 

It was really happening. My world was changing. My heart was changing. 

I finally felt happy again.

I had a countdown to go home. I was warned about this by many people. "Don't wish away your days". One day I was listening to a podcast and they brought up a man by the name of Viktor Frankel. A man who knew all about the power of positive thinking. A man who would have slapped me so hard across the face for being such a giant baby about being "stuck" (by my own free will) in a place that I wasn't making the absolute most of. This man was in the holocaust and lived to write a book about it. About how he survived. He said that towards the end of every year a lot of people would die off very abruptly because they so firmly believed they'd be home before the next year started. When they were still in the concentration camp their grief would overcome them and they would die. 

I had read his book in college but it wasn't until I listened to these women in this podcast apply his teachings to current situations (my situations) that I fully understood. I started using my countdowns as a way to gauge how much I needed to get done. At 50 some days we needed to get my mom's plane ticket. At 30 I needed to put in my notice at my apartment. Now at 18 I need to be packing, cleaning, and organizing. At 14 I'll need to get with my boss about plans to ship my computer to Montana. At 7 I'll need to have only essentials out. And at 1 I'll need to have gas in my car cause I'm outta here.

My point here is this: You have the power to change your world. Your outsides and your insides will match. Always.

You can even change the way other people treat you. Focus on their good qualities and only their good qualities and you will only receive that side of them. (I've done this...and repaired a friendship I thought was gone... That's another story entirely)

Bills? Debt? Loneliness? Depression? I don't care how deep and dark it is. Change your thoughts. Change your feelings. Change your emotions.

Our emotions and feelings are a barometer to gauge what we are thinking about. And as every single teacher of this "principle" will tell you: What you think about...you bring about.

Love life. And it will love you back. I promise.

Now that you all think I'm thoroughly crazy I'll leave you with this: I am. But I'm crazy happy and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. 

The Tale of 2 Katies (pt 1)

Just about 2 years ago I was about to turn 28. I was about to go crazy. I was about to jump out of my own skin. I felt like I was destined for all these things. A big fancy job in PR. A corner office (duh), a man in a suit (of course) and this life that I really wasn't cut out for but had it in my head that it was going to bring me true happiness. I decided before my 28th birthday that I was leaving after my impending graduation. Because Montana could not possibly have all these things.

In about May of 2014 I asked for a transfer to the Charlotte NC office. I was going to get to NC, take it by storm and become a PR professional. Big city living. Turns out, people have to actually hire you to make these things happen. In one weekend I remember applying for 20+ public relations, marketing, advertising, social media, event planning, television networking jobs. You know how many call backs I received? None. I got a couple of "nice try" emails but no interviews, no phone calls, no dice.

I continued on. I hoped it was just a fluke. I would try again in a few months. So I did. And again nothing happened. Well not nothing. My mind started to go dark. I started to turn in a lot more. I turned myself into a hermit and I longed for something I couldn't grasp. I got lonely. I got sad. I got depressed. I had been doing all these things for months that just weren't me. Going to places I didn't care for. Having discussions that left me frustrated. Feeling inadequate and making myself believe that it was the people doing the talking that were making me feel this way. I started being someone I wasn't. I was treating people badly. Good people. People who were always good to me and tried to help me make this place my home. I treated them like they were almost nothing. I've never done that, been like that, or felt the way I felt.

I put myself into debt. Credit cards had been the way I was affording the extravagances in life. Nights out, dinners, eyelashes, nails, hair... So i did what a lot of people might do in a situation like this. I started to really try and sell my paintings. When that didn't exactly boost my income I got the dreaded second job. Oh man. I went from 40 hours a week to 60. I went from all the free time in the world to basically none.

In the middle of all of this, my grandpa fell. Then he ended up in surgery. Then he ended up in a rest home. With dementia. And my mom was 2200 miles away from me and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go with her on her countless trips. I couldn't just hug her and be near her. I went home for Labor Day weekend and with every friendly face I felt the fog lift. The happiness was settling in again and for those few days I was me. I decided then I was getting back to Montana somehow, sometime. I was doing it.

I got back to NC and instantly felt sick. Why in the hell did I come back to a place that made me feel so...not myself? It was very out of body. I had no center. I wasn't in touch with any part of life and I could not under any circumstances control my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

Thanksgiving morning (1am-7am) I had to work at the store. The time I wasn't at work that weekend I spent curled up in bed. Crying or sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself and just being a giant baby. I had no one. Well, not "no one". But my "someones" were hours away from me. One in particular is who I like to refer to as my life coach, guru, one of my best friends, and the angel that seemingly pulled me up back onto my feet. We've called each other "wife" as a nickname for so long sometimes I feel like she just might be. She's this wonderful spirit. Huge heart. Cold harsh reality ways. Kind. Hilarious. And easily the person I can credit for snapping me out of the worst depression I've ever felt. Nadine is someone I met through the Vine app and we clicked almost immediately. It wasn't until we met in person that we knew we were really "stuck" with one another. And for good reason! She came into my life when I needed "someone" the most!

You see, I've always believed in the law of attraction. Power of positive thinking. Thoughts become things. I believed in it but in no way was I creating the reality I knew I could be. I was creating a nightmare. Crying every day before work. During work. After work. I was holding on to toxic relationships that didn't make me feel good. I was holding on to fear, anger, and resentment like it was my job. It wasn't until I really opened up to Nadine about my shit that things started changing. I dove headfirst into books, podcasts, blogs... And every one of them mimicked the same things Nadine had been telling me. Not that I ever questioned her! Having her in my ear with it and the countless sources of information coming at me there was no way I could continue the life I was living.

Well this is wordy. As if that's a surprise to any of you who know me

Let's call it Part 1.

Do This and Not That

Every day I find something new about myself to work on. I can dwell on these negative things until I twist them and turn them and figure out what I can do instead of what I am currently doing.

Insecurities, codependent, not a lot of self confidence, pretty close to zero self compassion, I am loud, I talk to much, I am too sarcastic, I dwell on the negative, I hold grudges, I attract the wrong guys, I don't exercise enough, I eat too many carbs, I am on my phone too much, I don't paint enough, I don't write enough, I don't talk to friends back home enough, I don't get out enough, I don't save enough money, I don't spend money wisely, I don't work hard enough one day at work, I work too hard the next and stress myself out, I waste time and energy on the wrong guys...

On and On and On and On.

The common denominator is that I am continuing to focus on the negative thus bringing in more negative. I focus on my insecurities so I draw more of those to myself. I focus on the bad aspects of each relationship I've been in or each guy I've attracted into my realm and I end up just attracting more of that. Instead of less of these things I keep attracting more of it because I am constantly zeroed in on what is wrong with me.

I can't seem to just let go, live and let live, carry on. Keeping calm is the least of my worries. I drag myself through these never ending cycles of dwelling upon the mistakes I've made. I've done some pretty cool shit in my life too and I have a lot a things about me that is also pretty noteworthy. But it's hard to build yourself up once you've spent 29 years tearing yourself down.

I tend to forget that I taught myself how to read when I was 3, I taught myself how to paint at 28, I am funny and quick witted, I am smart as a whip and can learn anything new pretty quickly, I moved across the country by myself without knowing anyone in the whole state of North Carolina, I travel basically everywhere by myself, I am super caring and put it all out there for anyone to see, I don't necessarily bend over backwards for people but if it's my happiness or yours ... you'll usually win, I can cook just about anything as long as I have google on hand for the technical stuff, I work two jobs, I have made some pretty good friends since I've moved to NC, I can carry on a conversation with a perfect stranger and it (usually) doesn't get awkward, I spend a majority of my free time alone and I enjoy the hell out of it, I can drink some adult males under the table, my apartment is decorated in mostly my own art, I am a pretty decent writer...

The bottom line here is that ultimately I am my own creator. No one else is going to determine my makeup or disposition. A relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't define who I am as a person. I function quite fine alone, although I do prefer the company of friends.


I've recognized a lot of patterns within myself through 100% of the experiences I've had here in NC. Not good patterns. Not even kind of good. I fall into these little cycles with myself and do a whole lot of things I don't even want to do. I allow people to treat me however they want to when I know in my heart if a friend or family member of mine was getting treated like that I wouldn't stand for it.

Something I was listening to today advised to let go of expectations of other people because they will never live up to them. Just letting people be people. Sounds easy. I put so many people on a pedestal and forget to put myself on a higher one. Sure, you can make someone a somewhat of a priority in your life but it's when we forget to keep ourselves at the top of the list that we end up second fiddle.

I don't even like the fiddle. I prefer the cello, personally. 

Vine It

Let me tell you a little bit about Vine.

What Vine is to someone who doesn't Vine but has probably seen some:
6 second apps (probably deriving from the Popular Page, that are often funny, musical, or artsy. If you're at all familiar with SmackCam then you have at least heard of Vine. A few years ago when vine first started some comedians, actors, models, etc used vine as an additional platform to showcase their talents. To me at first, Vine was just a way for people with ADD to watch only the funny parts of YouTube videos.

What Vine is to someone like me is way more than that. A majority of the friends I've made in the last year have been from Vine. I started lightly Vining in Montana. I made my own six second videos, made myself laugh and maybe a few others. But at that time, I didn't realize what it would turn into. I'd participate in "tag nights" put on by various "Vine Teams". A Vine Team is basically a group of individuals that join up in a chat app calls GroupMe and suggest "tags" and vote on them. Examples of this would be "Bad Times to Be Drunk", "Weird Party Themes", and "If I Won the Lotto". If you've watched "Whose line is it anyway?" then you'll recognize this idea from "Scenes from a hat". I joined a few of these teams at first. Team Small World Viners, Banned from TV, Banana Hammock Bandits and so on. I found that quite a few of these people were a lot like me. Lonely, artistic, creative, funny, and just real. They were trying to find an outlet. Trying to put their brain on display. And trying to connect with other people like them.

I made real friends in those groups. Some, not all, are people I still talk to to this day! But it wasn't until I joined French Toast Borgata that I really found my place, my voice, and my people. About the time I moved to NC was when a viner I really admired noticed a vine I had made and sent me a message. I had watched a lot of his vines and this man is creative! Phil became a friend of mine instantly. He had asked if I want to join up with the group he was in and I couldn't resist. FTB became my family. Their well known "vine names" vanished and I was able to get to know them all as Ashley, Adam, Jon, Phil, Rich, Chris, Jay, and Melanie. Members have come and gone over the last year. Shortly after I came into the group, someone was added that has really changed my life. I know people say that and I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but its true.

Nadine and I clicked. Instantly. She and I were kind of an opposites attract even with friends situation. She's tough, tiny, strongwilled, and knows exactly what she wants and how she's going to get. She's taught me more about life than she realizes. And in May of this year I drove up to Jersey, stayed with her and she and I went to what is called a Vine Meetup in New York City. I got the chance to meet a whole group of people from Vine and there was zero awkward about it. Because of this app, it was like we all fell into place together. Almost as if we were meant to know each other our whole lives. People that without this app I never would have met and gotten to know.

To me Vine started out as a way to just be goofy, super weird, and creative. It turned into friendships, family, and a real way to connect with real people.

This is why I cannot regret my move to NC. So many people I never would have met and so many things I never would have gotten the chance to do. I've met 20+ Viners in person now. My Facebook and phone contacts are loaded with these people. And I would not change a thing.

The post is dedicated to everyone mentioned above..along with:
Ken, Scotty, Josh, Deshaun, Dashawn, Michael, Tommy, Rah, AJ, Andrea, Genia, Bobby, Tom, Jeremy, Kate, Chris...and honestly so many more. Thank you!

Layover Thoughts

So let's focus on the present shall we? Currently I'm sitting in the Salt Lake City airport heading back to North Carolina.

My heart hurts. I miss my parents already. Maybe the apron strings have always been too tight and maybe I am a huge baby. Maybe I am just extremely fortunate to have the relationship with them that I do.

My mom is my best friend. She is my rock. She is the person who made me who I am. My dad is also my best friend. Also my rock and also made me who I am. My sense of humor is a delightful combination of them both. My stubbornness is definitely from my mom where my spontaneous decisions and unsettling ability to find myself in situations less than ideal is definitely from my dad.

I'm beyond lucky to have two people in my life that I have such an ache to be with. But it's not just those two. I also have two step parents who are amazing humans. Ive known my step dad since I was 15 and he's taught me to trust the good guy. Not everyone has an agenda and not everyone is being nice because they want something from you. Some people are just nice. Same with my stepmom. She has taught me in the short time I've known her that life is a gift and we have to always do things to make us happy. And always do things with a mule or vodka tonic in your hand. Cocktails are not optional.

My brothers are two of my very best friends. They mostly taught me to not put up with assholes and to stand on your own two feet. They almost more than my parents shaped me into the weirdo that I have become.

I am a very lucky girl...one who is coming home to one of the most supportive families a girl can have. I don't regret leaving last year. Leaving only showed to me the importance of family.

Cannot wait to have a few more NC adventures and then head on home to where I left my heart.

Look, Ma.. No Hands!

I thought it was just homesickness. I thought maybe I'd come back to Dillon and feel right about my choice again. I thought I'd miss NC.

Being back in Dillon for these 12 days has shed some new light for me and has given me a vision of how I could actually manage to grow further as a person here. In the town so many refer to as a trap.

I've never actually lived on my own in Dillon. Every time I've lived here I've lived with my mom. I've never really given myself that chance to practice the art of adulting here. I lived here until I was 18. With my mom. I moved to Missoula and lived with one of my best friends for 2 years. I moved back to Dillon for about 2 months. I moved to Wyoming with a boyfriend. We were there for 2 years. I moved back to Dillon and back in with my mom.

I got a lot of grief from people during those next 6 years in Dillon. Maybe they had their own assumptions. But I was a full time student with a full time job and yes...I loved to also party full time. But I wasn't just living in the basement working towards nothing. I had goals. My goals twisted and turned and changed with the wind. I never got to really know me other than the student, who worked full time, and drank a lot. I always was accused of never having any real responsibility. I don't have kids. I've never been married. So maybe to some I didn't have "real" responsibility. That's really all subjective though isn't it? I made the decision a long time ago to not have kids. Oops or otherwise. It's not in the cards for me. And after the relationship in Wyoming fell apart I made the decision to not have one of those again because I needed to focus on me. I needed to learn about myself and get to know me.

Then I thought that I could never possibly get to know myself still living in my mom's basement in Dillon, Montana...so I left. I followed a dream. I was going to be a publicist in a powerful agency. Wear business casual to lunch with my associates and make a shit-load (technical term) of money. Well, I moved to North Carolina. I didn't find that job at that agency and I didn't buy those clothes. But I did learn that I am really good at taking care of me. Living without your backbone is hard. My backbone of course being the support system I've always had. I thought that's how life goes. Make things as hard as possible on yourself and that's how you really succeed.

I always wanted to prove to people that I was a city girl with big dreams and ambitions. And I've learned over the last year that I'm a small town girl with those same dreams and ambitions. And there is nothing at all wrong with that.

"I put one foot in front of the other...I don't need a new love or a new life. Just a better place to die!"

I'm not afraid to admit that Dillon is home. Dillon is my lifeline. Dillon is where I'm going to raise myself even further. People can call it a trap, call me stuck, call me what they will. I'm calling it a revolution.

I did get to know myself in the year I was absent from Montana.
1. I can be a really negative person and when I'm negative my world is negative. And life gets harder.
2. Budgets are crucial no matter how much money you make.
3. I am so afraid of not being accepted I become incredibly two faced. I just like everyone and I've always been that way.
4. I'm incredibly talented artistically. I actually love painting and I hate that I resisted it so hard in high school! (Sorry, Ang..if you're reading this. I wish I would have learned more from you! But there will be time for that when I come home)
5. I enjoy my own company a lot.
6. I really do want to get married one day. Settle down and have a family of golden retrievers.
7. Being alone in small doses is okay, but I'm a people person and I love social interaction.

I learned a lot of this through a hard process. I did something not a lot of people have done. I didn't fail...I just realized that all of those things existed in me prior to moving and now I can bring them all back to Montana, make a life here, and still find time to explore and adventure.

Life is an adventure. It's not where you live. It's what you find inside of you...

My Home is Montana...I Wear A Bandana.. Well not really..

Have you ever taken a chance and it didn't work out?

Have you ever done something spontaneous only to regret it later?
Regret is the wrong word. I find that I don't regret a thing I have done when it is what I had wanted at the time.

Once upon a time I was fed up. I had just completed my degree in Public Relations. I was still living in my mom's basement. I was working for the same company I'd been with for 6 years and I was tired.
Tired of going out all the time. Tired of being hungover. Tired of feeling stuck.

So I took a leap. A leap of faith. I ran 2200 miles away from my hometown, my friends, and my family. I was craving change. I was craving a fresh outlook and I was craving 'new'. It wasn't until I returned home that I realized I was running from something that was inside of me. I ran and still didn't actually 'fix' anything. One of the best things that ever came out of this little journey was that I did find that little hobby of mine. Painting. That's one thing I know for sure I would have never started had I not 'ran'. Had I not found myself so overwhelmed with sadness. Had I not been completely taken by my own boredom. Had I not craved something to get my mind off of the sadness and the horrible loneliness I felt most days. Painting is the one thing I can take back to Montana with me that I will be forever grateful to.

There was a laundry list of reasons I gave to others as to why I was moving. I wanted adventure. I wanted to work in PR and couldn't possibly do that in Montana. I wanted to experience more of the things that life had to offer. One of the biggest reasons was that I wanted my own identity.

I used to get really irritated when people called me "Jake's sister".. or "Ben's sister". I wanted to be my own person. I felt like I needed to get away from all the people who only knew me that way because they would never actually get to know me if they only thought of me that way.

But I forgot... I forgot that I had made a lot of friends that once were people who called me that. Who only knew me like that once upon a time. People who I had met because of the brothers that I have.

I feel like I took this place for granted. Like I took my hometown and the people in it all for granted.

It wasn't until I was walking downtown from the fairgrounds last weekend that it occurred to me just how much I do love this town. I love that I know basically everyone. I love that I can run into 50 people I know in a 5 block walk. I love that my mom and I are so close. I love that my dad and I are so close. I love that I can tell everyone back here that I'm thinking about moving home and that it scares me to admit defeat and 100% of them responds the same. "Are you kidding me? Do you know how brave it was for you to pick up and move like that? Do you know you made a bigger move than most people even have the guts to do? You're not giving up! You've grown up and you've realized where you want to be!"

My business is called 2200 Miles because that's how far I had to go to figure out I love painting and coincidentally that's how I far I went to figure out what's inside of me, what makes me tick, and what makes me me..wasn't 2200 miles away at all.

I'm coming home, Montana. In 2016... I'm coming home.