Layover Thoughts

So let's focus on the present shall we? Currently I'm sitting in the Salt Lake City airport heading back to North Carolina.

My heart hurts. I miss my parents already. Maybe the apron strings have always been too tight and maybe I am a huge baby. Maybe I am just extremely fortunate to have the relationship with them that I do.

My mom is my best friend. She is my rock. She is the person who made me who I am. My dad is also my best friend. Also my rock and also made me who I am. My sense of humor is a delightful combination of them both. My stubbornness is definitely from my mom where my spontaneous decisions and unsettling ability to find myself in situations less than ideal is definitely from my dad.

I'm beyond lucky to have two people in my life that I have such an ache to be with. But it's not just those two. I also have two step parents who are amazing humans. Ive known my step dad since I was 15 and he's taught me to trust the good guy. Not everyone has an agenda and not everyone is being nice because they want something from you. Some people are just nice. Same with my stepmom. She has taught me in the short time I've known her that life is a gift and we have to always do things to make us happy. And always do things with a mule or vodka tonic in your hand. Cocktails are not optional.

My brothers are two of my very best friends. They mostly taught me to not put up with assholes and to stand on your own two feet. They almost more than my parents shaped me into the weirdo that I have become.

I am a very lucky girl...one who is coming home to one of the most supportive families a girl can have. I don't regret leaving last year. Leaving only showed to me the importance of family.

Cannot wait to have a few more NC adventures and then head on home to where I left my heart.

Look, Ma.. No Hands!

I thought it was just homesickness. I thought maybe I'd come back to Dillon and feel right about my choice again. I thought I'd miss NC.

Being back in Dillon for these 12 days has shed some new light for me and has given me a vision of how I could actually manage to grow further as a person here. In the town so many refer to as a trap.

I've never actually lived on my own in Dillon. Every time I've lived here I've lived with my mom. I've never really given myself that chance to practice the art of adulting here. I lived here until I was 18. With my mom. I moved to Missoula and lived with one of my best friends for 2 years. I moved back to Dillon for about 2 months. I moved to Wyoming with a boyfriend. We were there for 2 years. I moved back to Dillon and back in with my mom.

I got a lot of grief from people during those next 6 years in Dillon. Maybe they had their own assumptions. But I was a full time student with a full time job and yes...I loved to also party full time. But I wasn't just living in the basement working towards nothing. I had goals. My goals twisted and turned and changed with the wind. I never got to really know me other than the student, who worked full time, and drank a lot. I always was accused of never having any real responsibility. I don't have kids. I've never been married. So maybe to some I didn't have "real" responsibility. That's really all subjective though isn't it? I made the decision a long time ago to not have kids. Oops or otherwise. It's not in the cards for me. And after the relationship in Wyoming fell apart I made the decision to not have one of those again because I needed to focus on me. I needed to learn about myself and get to know me.

Then I thought that I could never possibly get to know myself still living in my mom's basement in Dillon, Montana...so I left. I followed a dream. I was going to be a publicist in a powerful agency. Wear business casual to lunch with my associates and make a shit-load (technical term) of money. Well, I moved to North Carolina. I didn't find that job at that agency and I didn't buy those clothes. But I did learn that I am really good at taking care of me. Living without your backbone is hard. My backbone of course being the support system I've always had. I thought that's how life goes. Make things as hard as possible on yourself and that's how you really succeed.

I always wanted to prove to people that I was a city girl with big dreams and ambitions. And I've learned over the last year that I'm a small town girl with those same dreams and ambitions. And there is nothing at all wrong with that.

"I put one foot in front of the other...I don't need a new love or a new life. Just a better place to die!"

I'm not afraid to admit that Dillon is home. Dillon is my lifeline. Dillon is where I'm going to raise myself even further. People can call it a trap, call me stuck, call me what they will. I'm calling it a revolution.

I did get to know myself in the year I was absent from Montana.
1. I can be a really negative person and when I'm negative my world is negative. And life gets harder.
2. Budgets are crucial no matter how much money you make.
3. I am so afraid of not being accepted I become incredibly two faced. I just like everyone and I've always been that way.
4. I'm incredibly talented artistically. I actually love painting and I hate that I resisted it so hard in high school! (Sorry, Ang..if you're reading this. I wish I would have learned more from you! But there will be time for that when I come home)
5. I enjoy my own company a lot.
6. I really do want to get married one day. Settle down and have a family of golden retrievers.
7. Being alone in small doses is okay, but I'm a people person and I love social interaction.

I learned a lot of this through a hard process. I did something not a lot of people have done. I didn't fail...I just realized that all of those things existed in me prior to moving and now I can bring them all back to Montana, make a life here, and still find time to explore and adventure.

Life is an adventure. It's not where you live. It's what you find inside of you...

My Home is Montana...I Wear A Bandana.. Well not really..

Have you ever taken a chance and it didn't work out?

Have you ever done something spontaneous only to regret it later?
Regret is the wrong word. I find that I don't regret a thing I have done when it is what I had wanted at the time.

Once upon a time I was fed up. I had just completed my degree in Public Relations. I was still living in my mom's basement. I was working for the same company I'd been with for 6 years and I was tired.
Tired of going out all the time. Tired of being hungover. Tired of feeling stuck.

So I took a leap. A leap of faith. I ran 2200 miles away from my hometown, my friends, and my family. I was craving change. I was craving a fresh outlook and I was craving 'new'. It wasn't until I returned home that I realized I was running from something that was inside of me. I ran and still didn't actually 'fix' anything. One of the best things that ever came out of this little journey was that I did find that little hobby of mine. Painting. That's one thing I know for sure I would have never started had I not 'ran'. Had I not found myself so overwhelmed with sadness. Had I not been completely taken by my own boredom. Had I not craved something to get my mind off of the sadness and the horrible loneliness I felt most days. Painting is the one thing I can take back to Montana with me that I will be forever grateful to.

There was a laundry list of reasons I gave to others as to why I was moving. I wanted adventure. I wanted to work in PR and couldn't possibly do that in Montana. I wanted to experience more of the things that life had to offer. One of the biggest reasons was that I wanted my own identity.

I used to get really irritated when people called me "Jake's sister".. or "Ben's sister". I wanted to be my own person. I felt like I needed to get away from all the people who only knew me that way because they would never actually get to know me if they only thought of me that way.

But I forgot... I forgot that I had made a lot of friends that once were people who called me that. Who only knew me like that once upon a time. People who I had met because of the brothers that I have.

I feel like I took this place for granted. Like I took my hometown and the people in it all for granted.

It wasn't until I was walking downtown from the fairgrounds last weekend that it occurred to me just how much I do love this town. I love that I know basically everyone. I love that I can run into 50 people I know in a 5 block walk. I love that my mom and I are so close. I love that my dad and I are so close. I love that I can tell everyone back here that I'm thinking about moving home and that it scares me to admit defeat and 100% of them responds the same. "Are you kidding me? Do you know how brave it was for you to pick up and move like that? Do you know you made a bigger move than most people even have the guts to do? You're not giving up! You've grown up and you've realized where you want to be!"

My business is called 2200 Miles because that's how far I had to go to figure out I love painting and coincidentally that's how I far I went to figure out what's inside of me, what makes me tick, and what makes me me..wasn't 2200 miles away at all.

I'm coming home, Montana. In 2016... I'm coming home.

Jobs on Jobs on Jobs

Fun Fact: I have always been really good with money

Funn(er) Fact: That changed when I moved.

While I attended school and was full time employed my mom and stepdad were cool enough to let me stay at the house free of charge. So I was able to save! I had a savings account full of the good stuff and I was still having fun, online shopping, going out to eat, and buying ridiculous shit all while still paying my bills and padding that beautiful savings account.

Things change when you add rent, all household bills, and every single expense imaginable when it comes to living on your own 100% totally entirely. One forgets to put a stop to (or at least a limit) on their frivolous spending and they end up thinking credit cards are cool and they rack those up a bit. Then they maybe take out a loan to try to come out ahead and well for the lack of a better term the "f*ck" that up too.

So long story short: My champagne budget turned to a beer one but my tastes remained the same. I knew better. I've always known better.

So this is why I got the 2nd job. I definitely have enough to pay the bills and keep ramen in the house. But if I ever hope to get ahead again the second job is a necessity. So I did that. (I'm not going to include a part in here that more people should do that because that would be judgy and I don't know their situation but really.. more people should do it.) Shoot, I even have a 3 job if you count 2200 Miles (the new custom art business I'm starting)! Can never be too busy or have too many things to do!

I know I'll be a millionaire one day. I know I'll get to go home whenever I want someday (probably on my private jet.) And I know that one day I'll have all these credit cards paid in full, and never to be used again. I also know that because I am who I am.. I'll be okay. Because that's how I see it. Power of positive thinking, thoughts become things... I am manifesting the life I want not by just seeing it and believing it will happen but by making it so....

I am okay!

One Month From Home

It has been a hot minute since I've written anything. I am nearing my first trip home in a year and I have some thoughts on things.

Over the last year I've learned a lot about different things and since I am fond of internet lists... I found that style fitting for this post.

1. Do not ever get annoyed or make comments to someone always staring at their phone. You don't know what that person is looking at or who they are talking to. 90% of the time when I've been "busted" staring at my phone, it's because I'm reading something a friend posted, looking at their pictures, or texting with a friend or family member. I'm not doing it to disregard you. I am doing it to keep in touch with other people in my life.

2. Budget Budget Budget. I never really realized the importance of a budget until I was finally out doing this life thing totally on my own. I get a lot of comments about my lack of financial awareness. "What responsibilities could you possibly have that caused you such financial disrepair?" Well... none. And that's the problem.

3. Spending a lot of time alone doesn't make you lonely. The exact opposite actually. I enjoy time alone because I enjoy time with myself. I can think and say and do literally whatever I want without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. It's really great. I enjoy me. I used to have to have people around me all the time because I really didn't just enjoy "me". But, now that I do... I've found I feel less stressed out and frustrated. And that's the best way to spend a day off.

4. You are you... and I am me. No two people do or say or think or react the same way. One thing doesn't always work for two people and as soon as more people figure this out and start sticking up for themselves, the happier they will become. Don't make someone do something just because it worked for you. Suggest it.. move on.

5. No matter how happy you are somewhere...Go Home. Not like forever, but definitely take trips. I was really incredibly happy here the first 6 months I was here. My happiness has since declined. My homesickness has taken over and it only made me realize that I really need to see my family and friends more than once a year. Analogy: When I first left home I left with a full cup. The cup has slowly been emptied over the year and I've learned that when it gets past that half full point, it's time to pour a little more liquid into it. Letting your glass get less than half full makes it feel less than half empty. Optimism turns to pessimism.

So that's that.

Time...

So some of you are probably wondering why in the hell I stopped writing. 

And I can't answer that. 

Because, I don't know. 

Here's an update: I fell in love, it didn't work out. I'm still alive to tell about it

Well this is not about that. That was a great, wonderful, happy, quick 7 months. 

I enjoyed it and regret nothing. I still hate that it ended because he was one of my best friends out here but such is life. He made mistakes, I'm sure I did too (hahah no I didn't.) 

Anyway! 

I am not here for that. I'm here for what is about to happen today. About 2 years ago I downloaded an app called Vine. Vine is hilarious and I wasn't active for about the first year. I just watched all the popular vines and always thought making my own would be tragic. About a year ago I became active. I met some people on there and started "making a fool of myself". Well about the time I moved here I was really lonely so I was on there a lot and fell into a "group" of viners that quickly turned into friends and now they have easily become some of my best friends and even family. 

Long story short...they do meet ups all over the country. Like minded viners get together and meet each other face to face. No 6 seconds...no phones pointed at their faces. Real interaction. Now..this probably sounds crazy to a lot of you and I was afraid to ever tell many people about the extent to which I was "on" vine. But...I don't care anymore. 

For about a month now I've had this trip planned. I'm going to NYC to meet some of these people I've been interacting with that have honestly helped me through a lonely time. 

Today I'm driving to New Jersey to meet a woman who has become one of my best friends. She has been there through all this "breakup" shit and she's been a life coach, friend, and helped me regain that sense of self I showed up in NC with last July. Then tomorrow morning she and I head to NYC to see a few more familiar faces. 

You might be reading this going: what in the f*ck are you about to do? 

Well, I'm about to go on an adventure because that's what this life is all about.  Stay Tuned! 

Broken Bowls and Lightbulbs

I've been here 5 months. Almost. It will be 5 months on the 14th of this month.

I really love it here. It's near perfect.

I have amazing friends here that have become best friends.

Their families are also amazing and their friends have become my friends.

I love that about this place. I also love the air, the smells, and how I feel when I'm here. I love my independence. I love that I'm doing this whole thing on my own.

However, I am really missing my family today. I am beside myself actually.

My mom had bought me this set of bowls months ago and finally shipped them to me this last week. I opened them today and one was broken. I lost it. Serious breakdown. It was a gift from my mother and it had been broken by some asshole who clearly doesn't know what "fragile" means. The box looks like it's been drop kicked. I have had maybe 3 real breakdowns since I've been here and they all stem back to those jerks back home. The ones that raised me to be the kind of person who can just take off and move 35 hours away. I really really miss them.

I've done a lot since I've been here. I've accomplished a lot of things. I am starting new things and meeting new people. (Still single, I know that surprises all of you.. ha) But I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I am also learning that the hardest part about growing up is that my family likes Montana and no matter how hard I try I'll never convince any of them to come live here. With me. In my 500 sq/ft box.

I've also learned that apartment management doesn't replace light bulbs in really high ceiling fans and now I'm on the hunt for someone with a ladder so I can just fix it my damn self. This is one of those moments where I wish I had a guy in my life. I know I can fix the stupid thing myself and I really don't need a guy to do it, but wouldn't it be nice to just have the offer?

You're right. I'll just go buy my own damn ladder.