Just More Rambling

So much of my days consist of me trying to figure out my own brain. That and I have to also do my job, keep my cat alive, keep up with my family and friends, keep my apartment looking like an adult lives in it, finish paintings, start paintings, and remember to feed myself. Oh and drink water. 

Lately though my attention has been very focused and drilled in on (some would call it hyper-focused) the fact that I am ADHD. I don’t have ADHD and I don’t suffer from ADHD. I just am. I was also diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Odds are the last two are a result of not being diagnosed with ADHD until the 11th hour. 

Anyway! Some of the things that I’ve learned about this new situation is that my lack of emotional control, emotional manipulation, need for constant attention, missing self esteem, staunch fear of rejection and people leaving or “abandoning me” are all a direct result of ADHD. Well maybe not all, but because I have a differently wired brain I am less likely to know the appropriate ways to respond to things. 

I have a tendency to be passive aggressive. I get bothered by tiny cues and vibes I think I am feeling off someone and I don’t think before I react and speak and I end up sounding like a child. Things I think are going to come off playful and funny end up turning into a form of emotional manipulation to try and make someone feel bad for not reacting in the way I found it to be appropriate. This is a harmful reaction. This is where I run the risk of actually pushing important people away. I’ve always dealt with my assumptions of hurt with humor. 

Just ask my dad! It was funny when I was younger to threaten to go back to therapy if he didn’t do what I asked of him. Now, I’m 33 and it’s just flat manipulative. 

I do the same thing in most other relationships in my life when things aren’t going according to my assumed plan. “I’ll say this.. they’ll say this.. and THEN I’ll be happy”. What actually happens is I’ll say _________ then they don’t respond in the way I imagined and I react to the hurt so I try to hurt right back. Emotionally. Rarely does this work in my favor. Mostly I end up looking like a lot of work. 

What is actually a lot of work is thinking before I speak. When I started down the path of the supposed ADHD diagnoses I was mostly concerned with my lack of focus and memory. I can’t find anything and I get explosively frustrated because of it. I forget to do tasks at work all the time and I beat myself up for it for days. All of a sudden though this whole world opened up to me. A world of living with a brain that misfires from time to time. I am not going to sit here and say my irrational overreacting is entirely ADHD... although odds are a very large portion of my tendencies is due to that very thing. 

I do not want to rely on this diagnosis as an explanation for everything I do and say and just rest there. I am happy to see that I’m not just crazy and emotionally imbalanced.. I just am actively focused on not letting it rule my every whim. 

I am trying. 

Not such a shocking diagnosis though...

My Brain is so jumbled.

All the time. Constantly pinging between thoughts. I forget easy words and misplace my debit card more than any human should. I struggle with self-acceptance to the point where I have turned every person in my life into some kind of a demon who can turn against me at any moment. All in my mind of course! I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love or the friendships I have been given. As a matter of fact, I bounce between friendship struggles from time to time. Always feeling like I’m being picked over. Not good enough. Probably annoying to this person or that person. I am certain 76% of the people in my life see me as a child. I can’t prove that they think this. Only that I get a vibe from everyone…

The vibe I’m referring to is the one that sinks deep into my chest. A feeling of a physical rock chilling somewhere near my breastbone. It’s a hard thing to describe. It’s both an empty space and a dull ache. Like a rock shaped hollow. Like a geode. So at least it’s pretty…

I have never had a normal intimate relationship because of this. I’ve spent most relationships assuming I’m not good enough anyway and they will eventually just leave. I used to think this was because of things that happened when I was younger. I always blamed outwardly on this one.

The classic “my parents got divorced so everyone leaves” mentality left me basically deciding that eventually every guy will see I am not worth any(more) time or effort and ditch out. I constantly hold on tight to people for fear they’ll just bust out. Leave. Ghost. Disappear. Cease to exist. I try to play it cool. Like I’m the calm cool and collected type. Please. I am constantly panicked. My heart always racing and my head swimming. Thoughts of abandonment which quickly turn to the self-blame and hatred.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since January. She is a doll. To say the least. She has made me so much more self-aware it’s almost uncanny. I can see my exact train of though rolling through like it’s on schedule. “Right on time! Here comes the bullshit... Choo-Choo”. During a few of the sessions she mentioned the letters ADHD to me. The first time she mentioned it I was denying it through damn near gritted teeth. “No, not a chance. That was never in my childhood and that isn’t me… Nope”. The second time she brought it up it was brief, and we didn’t even really discuss it being “me”. Mostly just used in context of … honestly, I can’t even remember now. But it wasn’t me.

The 3^rd time, as they say, was the charm though. I don’t remember what we were talking about when she brought it up this most recent time, but I do remember it felt like someone was tapping me in the center of the forehead. She suggested I kick the caffeine for a few days and see how I feel. I almost sought out a different therapist with that thought alone. NO COFFEE?! How ... in the actual… Alright well I tried it. For roughly 5 hours… I know I need the flavor of coffee at the very least, so I switched to decaf to compromise with myself (honestly, I was trying to trick myself and it was so beyond hopeless.)

I’m not sure you can even call what happened at work that day actually “work”. It was more like I was temporarily transformed into Derek Zoolander dressed like a monkey trying to get the files off the brightly colored Mac computer. I couldn’t even think straight. I can’t even recall all the details but around noon I was over feeling like a zombie and I gave in to the sweet sweet caffeine in the breakroom. And maybe placebo effect is to blame but I felt instant satisfaction and my brain re-focused and I was able to stumble through the last few hours of the day. It was really at that moment though I decided this ADHD thing might be holding some water. I never really realized how much I lacked focus at work. Mind you, a few reviews/conversations with my boss led to me writing every. single. thing. down that she assigned to me. I have lists to complete lists to complete tasks to complete processes to set reminders to create a list.

I cannot function without a good list. Everything gets written down. If it’s even the least bit important I jot it down.

So, I knew I needed to get an actual evaluation before I could really get things in motion. Real frustrating and long story short on this part… I found a psychiatrist that specializes in mood disorders and learned just last night that combined type ADHD is my God given right. Or mood disorder. Or whatever. In finding this out I’ve learned that there are a lot of things (see all the above) that have basically been controlled by my mis-wired brain. I’m not going to say my brain is bad… or that it is wrong… but it’s just wired differently. There are all these things that are related to it… Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Emotional Dysregulation, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, etc. (Look at all those ‘dys’!)

Now all I can do is hope the treatment plan is at least on the right path to some normalcy. I sincerely hope people in my life know that I’m going to try not to use this as a crutch, but I do want you all to know (those who have stuck by and those who have taken steps back) I am working on something that is bigger than me. I just really need you all to be in my corner about this if I do start crutching. There will be some things that come up in my day to day that are part of the ADHD. My insecurities aren’t going to just go away. My need to hold on to people tightly isn’t going to dip lightly either. Would’ve been a lot cooler to have a handle on this sooner!

Standby though, ya’ll.

I fully plan on learning all I can about this disorder and doing what I can to make it my bitch.

Danny DeVito

I have decided to make a shift in my life lately and I can really feel it these last few days. I have been spending more time listening to my thoughts and less time reacting to them. This is something I’ve dove into over the last week or so called Observing the Ego. The ego is something we develop as children that speaks to us in our own voices yet the words aren’t really ours. They’re the words of our experiences. They’re the words from our parent’s actions. They are a collection of bullshit… mostly.

Most people have this voice… most people have an ego. Well really… every single one of us has this. It’s just the reaction to it that gives us all a different sort of take on life. My ego is a jerk. It’s constantly on me about several different things. One of the most prominent is whenever any kind of relationship is existing with the opposite sex. Recently though I’ve been really observing the things my ego has been telling me about a few of the other relationships I have in my life.

The scary part about the ego is it acts like it’s you. It sounds like you! It’s taking your past experiences and using them as evidence to support their claims and it’s convincing you of all of the things you fear the most. Abandonment, worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness… 

I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I’ve been in. Whether they cheated physically, emotionally, or just didn’t want to ‘commit’ to one person.. I was never the center of the relationship. Not that I have to be the center but I wasn’t even like.. adjusted slightly to the left. I was just kind of there to pass the time until someone better came along. Or so it felt. And that’s what my ego always tells me now. “There will be someone better than you coming along. Just wait. You’ll see the signs very clearly! It’s the same every single time. Just make sure you are stricken with as much anxiety as possible, become very needy and clingy, and drive the point home that you’re definitely not the right one for them early so you can just get over the hurt that is inevitable. You aren’t worth someone sticking around. Remember that time your dad moved? And don’t forget every guy that has ghosted you.. And always remember that the first guy you said ‘I love you’ to left you for another woman. All of these examples build up into the conclusion that You Are Not Good Enough. Take every action someone else makes as a personal attack because they would literally never do these same things to anyone else. Ever. It’s just you!”

I take a lot of things personally because my Ego tells me to. Those of you that are fortunate enough to not have a constant barrage of negativity coming your way are gifted with something called Confidence. Confidence is that totally attainable possibility that some are just magically born with. Some of you have been instilled with this mythical beast since you were babies. So this whole post probably makes zero sense to you. You have already learned to observe and not react to what your ego is telling you so the voice is probably so tiny and small you don’t even hear it anymore. 

I am actively working on observing mine currently. As I’m writing this it’s telling me “Don’t post that… someone will read this and surely think you’re crazy. Do you really think your view on this is at all accurate/informative? You have a lot of nerve thinking that you are at all an expert on something you just started looking into. If you keep sharing this much information about your inner thoughts people are definitely going to walk away from you. You are going to lose friends over this because they’re going to think you’re absolutely nuts! Good luck ever finding someone to love you… you are a f*cking loon!”

And much like how I view Danny DeVito.. I’m going to overlook the advice and post this shit anyway.

(Get it? Cause he’s short.. and I am not. It’s hilarious.)

Let's Define That Shall We?

self-worth

noun

the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Well this is an interesting thought. If our “self-worth” is determined by the sense of “one’s own value”… then why do we always make the assumption that how we feel is based on how someone else is treating us? Or not treating us… whatever the case may be there. It’s an entirely internal process. There isn’t blame to be placed on anyone else but ourselves. No one can make us feel whole or empty. If I could place the blame on anyone for how I’m feeling though I’d probably have to stick with the good old fashioned 'parent' suspect. Either one. I’m sure they did this. Or maybe it was that guy I dated in my early 20s... or teens. Or just a few years ago..

 

I have always had a really poor version of myself mapped out in my head. I was definitely not as pretty as my friends growing up. They were gorgeous. I constantly saw pretty girls being treated far better than myself. My brothers were pretty awful to me… but always very kind to the pretty friends I would bring around. (Now as a 33 year old adult I see that my brothers were just creepily flirting with my friends.. so of course they’re going to be nice to them). Really though most guys were nicer to my friends than they were to me. I was definitely the girl with too short of jeans, unbrushed hair, blue cream eyeshadow and mascara that always smudged under my eyes because I was probably using the same tube of Maybelline my mom used. I wasn’t a particularly girly girl. I really wanted to be.. but I didn’t know where to start. I was funny though! And had the personality. Which is just another word for “fat friend”. At least this is all how I saw myself.

 

I would say that now… I know that I am pretty. Very pretty in fact. My hair could be thicker, my tummy could be thinner, my lips fuller, my laugh less colicky, and my sense of humor a little cleaner. I could be more kind to strangers. I could smile with my whole face instead of just the ‘white person smile line’ that happens when I greet someone I don’t know. If I was to start a list at any point of things I like about myself you should know all of these things in this tiny paragraph are things I actually do find to be positive. I typically don’t apologize for who I am and the things I like about myself are rarely going to be found on lists for other people. So maybe I’m not super outwardly friendly to people I don’t know that well… I still try to fake it until I make it because I don’t like when other people feel poorly about themselves.. And maybe I sound like I’ve been smoking for 25 years when I laugh.. I laugh a lot because laughing is fun and feels amazing.

 

But these things aren’t Pretty.. I am a very cool person. Hilarious! Real liberal laugher. I have great friends and honestly I can make friends easier than most. I am down for pretty much anything at anytime (unless it’s cold.. and/or snowing.. or windy.. or I’m hungry and/or sleepy.. or hungover) But you get my drift. I wouldn’t call myself unique. I’m more of the same. I love llamas and mustaches. I basically bleed coffee and if I’m in the right mood I can drink a lot of people under the table and I just so happen to prefer cheap beer to anything else. Well except a nice IPA from Draught Works. Or like a really cold chocolate porter… I really want a beer right now. Anyway… I am a very creative thinker and it’s definitely not on display whenever I use the F word every other word in any given sentence. That’s happy or mad, folks. That’s basically just my vocabulary. I’m also really smart and I learn super quick.

 

But what makes me feel very stupid 90% of the time and that I have yet to learn at all is why I don’t seem to see any of these things as adding up to any amount of worth because physically I have a hard time finding myself attractive. I have a really hard time believing people genuinely want to be in my life and it’s not just out of obligation at this point. Why can I not picture myself in a happy and healthy relationship?  Why do I settle for the emotionally unavailable every time?

 

If I could focus on how I see myself and forget how I think the world sees me.. I am pretty much a solid 10. 9.5 before I’ve had coffee and brushed my hair. Maybe a 9 when I’m hungover. Definitely an 8.5 when I’m hungover AND didn’t get enough sleep.

 

I’m typically a hard 7 on Sundays though.

The point is... what will it take for Me to see Me. And not worry about how You see Me?.. When will I feel like I am enough.  

Self Eval for 2018

And now in true “I talk too much and overshare my life” fashion.. I’ll try to sum up the worst best year of my life.

2018... you brought me so much. New friends, clarity, happiness, sadness, anxiety, hypothyroidism, depression, hangovers, laughter, new music, new movies, new inside jokes, strengthened friendships, weakened friendships..

I’m ending this year with a combination of a full heart that’s heavy. I made poor choices and turned myself into a monster. My self esteem hit all time lows and brought about a lot of self evaluation and fears. I lost sleep because of anxiety attacks and I woke up plenty of mornings in sheer panic. My happiness relying on white claws and my Sunday hangover depression floating into Monday’s and Tuesday’s depression.

Today I made a choice.  I cannot live in this fog anymore. I am far from the face of depression. It is downright shocking how many people have to find some extra help to make it through.

This post isn’t meant for you to shower me with “you’re so great.. we love you” kind of affections.

It’s more like Hey, friends... my life is a foggy mess and I want to throw out an I’m sorry and I love you to everyone...

But most importantly to myself!

New Year New Antidepressant. 💕

Just Words

I used to think people who claimed depression or anxiety were just looking for some kind of attention.

Like how can you just let yourself sit in sadness. Until one day I noticed I was sitting deep in sadness. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever felt. Being someone who firmly believes in the law of attraction and power of positive thinking I was like "Listen, Tikalsky.. get your shit together. This isn't you. This isn't real. You're definitely better than depression".

Much like I do with all conflict.. I ignored the emotions in my life and came back out of my sit and got right back on top of life. Then... I found myself sitting in it again. But deeper this time. I was actually just crying all day long. It didn't matter what I did... I was crying.

Then I started turning into an utter weirdo after I had been drinking. On the fight and starved for attention. The worst choices I've made to date have been in the last few weeks of this year. Drunken confessions, a couple of blow outs with the closest people to me, and just all out doing things completely out of character for me.

Now, I've always had hangover depression. It's like a thing I've dealt with since high school. I'd sooner spend all day Sunday laying on the couch regretting my choices than actually facing the outside world. But now that it's starting to just live inside of me I am mildly freaking out.

I am so lonely and tired all the time. I am doing everything I can to make sure I stay alone for the rest of my life, too. Just terrible eating habits, not working out at all anymore, being a bit of a clinger, and really kind of an asshole. Albeit.. a needy one. I flashback to the things I say the night before or *shudder* find the evidence of it in texts and it's this very deeply anxious wave of panic that washes over my entire soul. All I can think to do is apologize. I feel like that's all I do anymore. It's the same format. A standard greeting, self deprecating comment or joke, and an apology.

"Hey... I shouldn't have said any of that. How dumb am I? Sorry!"

"Hey! I am clearly being overserved on the weekends Haha Sorry about that!"

"Hello.. you definitely think I'm just wonderful after all that huh? Sorry .. have a good one!"

"Heyy Are we... still friends? or... I'm sorry.. I feel foolish"

Anyway! Why am I word vomitting my private life on a blog? Because this is my therapy. It's Sunday and none of them are in office so making an appointment today is out the question. So I am therapeutically tapping out the words on my mac, sharing it for the 7 people who might read this in the next few months, and hopefully I can peel myself off this couch today at some point to wash my hair, brush out my lashes.. and fake a smile until it becomes real. Again.

Also, I'm not good at keeping my private life private. I never have been. I should just have a heart drawn on the sleeve of ever shirt I wear!

Ready Set... Nope

Listen, online dating sucks. I don’t care if you’ve been successful.. you know it sucks. It is 100%  the worst way to meet people.

First you have to meet their internet persona and figure out if you even like that part of them enough to like move onto the whole meeting in person thing. I haven’t made it to that part yet…

Well, I actually did briefly and then he essentially was completely full of shit and thank goodness because really hindsight.. I dodged a big giant hot mess of a bullet.

You see, I started out with stars and hearts in my eyes and full trust. I mean why wouldn’t the first guy I talked to on a dating site be like ‘The’ Guy. I am a pretty great person.. so why wouldn’t it be THAT easy for me? It wasn’t. It wasn’t that easy at all. And it’s continuing to not be the slightest bit easy. You really to have to weed through some weirdos, assholes, dummies, pretty boys, quiet guys, creeps, pick me guys, liars… so on. I even had someone ask me if I could get them weed. I can’t make this up.

Anyway.. It’s not often I come to the realization that I am essentially better than anyone. I mean I know I am. It’s human nature. We’re all actually better than someone. There really isn’t like one person who is actually just at the very bottom of people. Well, I mean there is.. but I don’t want to make this a political post so I’ll just move on. But a simple fact about me is that through all of my bullshit… I at the very least have my shit somewhat together. Sure I am certainly a jerk 45% of my life, I am picky and super bossy sometimes and I really don’t like people when I’m not in the mood for people. However, I have a solid job, I am pretty attractive, I am hilarious, I am one hell of a writer (Case in Point)… and you know how I know all of this with pure confidence? I surround myself by some of the best people. People that I know wouldn’t be around if I wasn’t as actually great as I am. Have you met my friends? They’re all insanely amazing.

So why am I even having to go online to date? Or to try and date.. or to find someone who would be suitable to date?

Because I live in a town of 5,000 people.. and I am pretty sure I’ve exhausted my efforts in my fair town. And I’m actually not really market ready if I’m being totally honest with myself. I really need to get into shape again, I should probably do my dishes more than once a week, I absolutely could stand to wash my car for the 3^rd time in the 10 years I’ve owned it, I maybe could not drink to the point of a blackout 3-4 times a month (which I know doesn’t sound terrible but I only drink on the weekends.. so), I should also maybe try a hobby that isn’t blacking out, binge watching Real Housewives of Everywhere, or seeing how quickly I can actually devour a bag of Smartfood popcorn…

I think online dating is actually only the worst when you’re not actually ready for what you’re about to encounter. I am getting so frustrated with the bullshit on there. But this little diary like realization post here just kind of opened my eyes to what the real issue is.

I am totally and completely and 100% not ready to even be considering dating. The first guy I attracted into my realm lied through his teeth probably 90% of the time we were talking, the next was a kid who I think wants to actually wear me as a skin suit, and lastly we have Mr Pick Me who has spent a majority of our conversations trying to prove to me that he’s great. I don’t need you to write out proof, bro.. I can usually tell within the first paragraph about your Roth IRAs that you’re probably not that great. 

OH and let’s not forget the guy who literally asked me for bud..  I quit.