Mostly because I have always been so "Ew, yuck, gross" when it comes to anything resembling relationships or love or any of that mushy "bullshit." I'm super sick of divorce, but I will swear up and down daily that I'll have at least 3 ex-husbands. Maybe 4.. But in the last year or so that's become more of a joke whereas my actual way of thinking is slightly different.
This morning, as
I was getting ready for work and looking at the piles of boxes I have ready to
load into my car and checking my phone every so often for a Snapchat response
or even a good morning text, I realized something. I am yet again in a
situation where I am allowing someone else to determine my level of happiness.
It's not their fault. It's my own fault. I look forward to these little things
and the things that are said so much that I forgot that's not how life works.
Life is busy and it's chaos a lot of the time. It's not sitting around and
checking our phones for reassurance. It's happening all the time and it's not
slowing down so I can get what I want or a pat on the back. It's all about timing. Something I've never been good at
understanding. I’m always hoping though that whatever it is that I come across will be something worth waiting for.
I can't know for sure that NC will house the love of my life. I can't know for sure that Montana doesn't already. I can't say in which state my "love" will come from. He could be from Delaware or even Florida. The last 6 years I've barked up many wrong trees. Mostly guys that are just really bad for me or really bad for themselves. I could go on and on about this but I'll just leave it at that.
I am fully prepared to catch a lot of shit for this post. Mostly from cynics just like me that probably have always thought I was more of a cold-heart rather than a softy.
Which, is still mostly true..
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